At first I was appalled by the My Fat Spouse forum

At first I was appalled by the rude comments and impolite posts I read on the My Fat Spouse forum posts. The referral of overweight individuals as "fat asses" or just "fat" in general, lowered the credibility of this site as being a true refuge and forum for the other spouse. I didn't want to visit a site that bashed overweight people, but that provided constructive solutions to not only help me deal with the fact my spouse is overweight, but suggestions to promote weight loss.

The reply post by "keep making excuses" gave me another perspective that both husband and wife, regardless of who has the weight problem, are both victims in the situation. The weight problem is both their problem because it affects both people. And although "Moods" comments were not politically correct, nonetheless, he/she should still have a forum or a place to vent their frustrations candidly and without judgement. We have a voice too!!! And with year after year passing with the only change are the scales tipping as the pounds increase and wardrobe gets bigger (in size that is), you do reach a point where you don't know what the F**k to do. You can't force your spouse to lose weight and handcuff them to a treadmill. So instead you try to remain patient and wait for a miracle to occur of this lightbulb to go off in their head for them to wake up see the life they are missing. But until that day arrives, you, or I should say.... I am left with a cloud of shallow guilt of wanting a thinner sexy spouse.

One thing I can take from this sight is that my desires for a healthier slimmer spouse is not shallow or fueled by our media influenced culture. It reaffirmed that my desires are healthy and justified. I wish I knew what to do though. It is one thing to be right, but it doesn't change anything. I love her too much to leave, but I can't see myself continuing down this path for the rest of my life. We both deserve to be happy and at times I wish I had a fat fetish so she could feel desired. I sometimes think that I may be blocking her from finding someone who fully supports the Fat Acceptance Movement or just likes big women. Someone who will make her feel desired and loved just the way she is. Someone who will encourage her to be herself and not change to fit a societal mold. For 7 years I have tried to convinence myself I could be that person, but with an ulterior motive: That the none existence of stress to loose weight to keep your spouse or make them happy, would free or motivate her to lose weight. That because she is loved by someone unconditionally (whatever that means these days), she will love herself enough to improve her life and health by losing weight. Or am I just delusional?

Unconditional Love?

What does that mean? Despite me not having any desire for my wife doesn't mean I don't love her or does it. Is it possible to love someone unconditionally and not want to have sex with them? I dont' know if this is a good analogy or if it applies or if there are different types of love, but I love my parents unconditionally. I would never abandone them for any reason. And to put it back into the realm of marriage, is sex a factor of unconditional love?

posted by "guilted husband" on the My Fat Spouse forum

What Body Acceptance Really Is by A101

There is an idea in the fat movement that body acceptance means simply saying ‘I’m fat, ah well, there’s nothing I can do, and there’s no point trying anyway’.

A more extreme example of this attitude is ‘I’m fat, there’s nothing I can do, and you can’t either. There’s no point trying, and if you do it means you hate yourself. And not only yourself but ALL fat people. If you don’t want to stay like us then you are bad, think we are bad and hate us. You are a sell-out. You are giving in to society’.

Well for a start body fat is not magic (you will find I write this a lot, simply because its true). It is not. It is created. And it is created from what we give it. Bodyfat is stored energy. Our bodies use energy to live, to function, to be. What is given to the body, but not needed is stored away for later.

Endomorphic body types have a tendency towards storing more bodyfat, but this doesn’t make obesity for this body type inevitable. It means that more effort needs to be put forward to watch weight gain.

But at the same time, there are far too many overweight people in todays world to be able to say ‘They are all just endomorphs’, just like there are too many to say ‘it’s all due to medical conditions/unlucky genes’ etc. And though small amounts of people have medical conditions that result in weight gain due to changes in the body, there is no shortage of overweight people all trying to lump themselves into this category.

But back to the issue of body acceptance.

I think that the fat movements view of what constitutes ‘body acceptance’ is very skewed.

Of course we should all accept our bodies and our body shapes. This is our body and the only one we are going to get, so yes!! Enjoy it.

Accepting your body means accepting that maybe ‘Hey I’ve got short legs, I’ll have to accept that, nothing is going to make them longer’, or ‘I have narrow shoulders/wider hips’ or things like ‘I notice I have a tendency to store body fat more easily, so I’ll be more careful with my nutritional choices', or ‘I see that I have a hard time putting on muscle, I’ll do some research on nutrition and sensible resistance training programmes to help’ etc.

Accepting your body is a good thing, and we are all different, with different features etc.
The problem with the fat acceptance movement however is that they also seem to believe that accepting your body means, you can’t then do anything to improve it.

Or to go deeper into it ‘You can do things to improve it……..just don’t you dare go losing bodyfat whilst you do!!’.

For instance if a person is overweight and they choose to exercise then ‘fine’ say the fat movement and ‘well done’. But that changes in a flash if they then find out that this persons goal is to lose bodyfat.

That is strictly not allowed.

By doing this, they see it as calling them bad, ugly or not as good, because surely a person couldn’t want to lose bodyfat if they think that fat people aren’t worth less then others.
But this is no different then someone saying ‘If you try to improve your education beyond us, then that means you think we aren’t as good. There is no way that you can want to become smarter if you don’t think that uneducated people are worth less’.

And its nonsense.

One of the main reasons this happens is because the fat movement do not believe that being overweight can cause problems (many don’t believe this no matter how overweight/obese the person is). So in their mind, the only reason a person could possibly want to lose weight is because this person doesn’t want to look like them. Therefore they must hate them (the word hate gets thrown around a lot in the fat movement, no matter what is said or how nicely its put. Any criticism at all seems to be deemed ‘hate speech’).

But lowering your bodyfat is self improvement, just like adding on muscle, improving your cardiovascular systems and heart functioning, and everything else that comes from a well rounded fitness programme.

What ‘body acceptance’ really means is accepting your basic shape and bone structure, whether you are an ectomorph, mesomorph, or endomorph (people are usually mixtures of these rather then just one, but they often lean towards one of these more then the others) and the basic things that make up you.

But it does NOT mean that you hate yourself if you decide to improve everything about yourself that you can.

Just like a person may have a learning disorder, and they will need to accept that. But that doesn’t mean that this person should also ‘accept’ that they will never know anything, and will never be academic or clever.

They may not become a super genius (just like people with their bodies don’t all get to become built like Greek gods) but they can still make great improvements in themselves.
And does improving your mind mean you ‘hate’ those who are less academic then you?
Does wanting to improve athletic ability mean you hate those without it?

Of course not. And wanting to lower your body fat is no different.

Another argument that the fat movement use is that by lowering bodyfat ‘you are conforming to societies idea of beauty’. But this statement is very unfair as it is basically implying that there is no way that you as a fully thinking adult, could possibly want this for yourself. You can only NOT want it, or be brainwashed into wanting it.

You can’t want to be trimmer, only be brainwashed to ‘conform’. And its not true anymore then saying ‘by studying for your exams you are conforming to societies idea of intelligence’, or ‘by taking up a popular sport you are conforming to society and its ideals because society likes sports’.

Couldn’t you also therefore say ‘by watching television you are conforming to societies idea of entertainment’? Does it therefore mean that there is no way you could possibly want to watch that popular t.v show? That you can only ‘conform’ to watching it?

By saying wanting to lose bodyfat shows ‘conformity’, that means that there is no such thing as preference.

Not everyone can look like a Greek god/goddess as mentioned, but that doesn’t mean that a person can’t want to make themselves in trimmer shape by their own choosing either, and it certainly doesn’t show ‘hate’ for others who don’t do it, or who have the body shape that they themselves are trying to change.

As mentioned above, wanting to change something doesn’t mean you hate those who will still have it, and it doesn’t mean at all that you think less of them, or that they are worth less. We all want different things from ourselves, and we all aspire to different things including certain looks.
Not everyone can achieve perfection, just like not everyone who takes up a sport can become an Olympian or an elite athlete, but our potentials are there to be discovered.

We are not born at our full potential, be it in body or mind. We either choose to seek out our potential, or we sit on the sidelines and forever be left wondering. Some people even tell themselves that they didn’t have any anyway. And that is no way to be thinking about yourself.
Wanting to lower bodyfat is not a sign of hate, of yourself or others. It is an improvement of yourself.

Fat movement members will take this as saying ‘oh so you think you are making yourself better then us’, but that is no different (as I already mentioned) then a person improving their education and others getting offended and saying ‘oh so you think your better then us because you are smarter!’.

There is no denying it, making yourself smarter is a self improvement. Should we therefore all get offended when others seek higher education then us?

Body acceptance means accepting the parts you can’t change (like you can’t make your legs longer for example), but also improving what you CAN.

That is not only body acceptance, but total body love and respect.

But whilst the fat movement see body fat as some magic entity that we have no say in at all, and harp on with their ‘wanting to change something can only mean you hate yourself’ (again, no different then saying wanting to improve education/gain education means you first have to hate your mind), that body acceptance means ‘not changing anything physically about your size at all’ (some even say you shouldn’t even if it is for health reasons, whilst others hold tight to beliefs that there is no health concern no matter how large the weight gain) and that if you change yourself it means you hate those who have what you decided to change, then this will continue.

The great part though is that you can take it into your own hands.

For many large weight gains cause many problems from health to everyday difficulties with even simple tasks, or general activity.

The fat movement members size’s are their own business, but this is also a movement which will berate others for calling them names, or making them feel bad or guilty for being so big, whilst seeing nothing wrong in belittling their own if they admit to even feelings/thoughts or considerations of lowering bodyfat.

Telling a person they can’t lose weight if they believe in fat acceptance (fat acceptance in this term I mean as ‘leaving overweight people alone, not bullying them etc) is no different then non academics saying ‘we want everyone to stop calling us names, and making us feel bad and calling us dumb because we don’t have the education that others have’, then turning around and belittling a member who has decided they want to improve on their own education.

It is definitely a strange movement full of extremes, and calling itself ‘fat acceptance’ (which sounds like it means and encourages ‘don’t bully fat people’ ideas, which are absolutely fine) but really has a whole host of increasingly far fetched ideas doesn‘t help.

As when people find out the other things besides the ‘don’t bully overweight people‘ parts, they then say ‘I don’t agree with fat acceptance‘, causing others to go off on immediate tirades of ‘oh so you hate fat people’ etc, when really they mean they don’t agree with the far fetched ideas.

Acceptance (in all things and situations) means accepting what you have got, but also making the most and very best of it.

And losing bodyfat makes a whole host of things more accessible to a person. Nobody should be made to feel they HAVE to be/look a certain way, but this works both ways,. And on the other hand, nobody should be made to feel they can’t change something for fear of ridicule from their own numbers either.

If you are happy overweight, then fine be happy. But there are others in the same position who won’t be, and they have as much right to change as you do of staying the same.

But simply saying ‘I’m overweight, oh well, what can you do’ isn’t body acceptance. That’s simply body submission.


A101 is a contributer to the My Fat Spouse Forum. He originally posted this piece on his blog, Delving into the World of Pro-Fat

Obesity Stigma

This link is far more interesting and well written than my post. Check it out!

http://www.rice.edu/sallyport/2003/summer/sallyport/obesitystigma.html

I've been thinking about the stigma that is attached to obesity a little too much lately. I was reading a study that was done in England. They showed people picture of mismatched couple, one fat and one thin and asked them their opinion of the fit person in the couple, based on the picture. They then showed another group pictures of the same people, but paired with somebody closer to their own size and strangely enough they same people where give a far more favorable rating...I know this is a painful subject for both the obese and for most of their spouses, but the fact is through out human society and down through the ages, with very few exceptions obesity is a stigmatized condition. Obesity was stigmatized in medieval Japan in part, at least, because it was viewed as the karmic consequence of a moral failing in a Buddhist context. The stigma in Europe was based on the Christian deadly sin of gluttony. Stigmatization of obesity is not new.

Peeping Tom's Tale

I was re-reading Chris's " How to Force Yourself to Find Fat Attractive" Blog post the other day when I was suddenly flooded with childhood memories. You see, when I was about twelve my parents bought a little house that sat in the middle of a block of houses the railroad company built for its workers around the turn of the century. The lots were long and skinny and the house sat about three or four feet apart. I could actually jump from our side door steps to the neighbors steps. The family next door had two teenage girls and as luck would have it the older daughter's bedroom window faced my own. I'll call her Jane. Jane was a tall, slender, friendly cheerleader at the local high school. I really did try and resist temptation. I tried to be a good boy. I didn't want to invade my new neighbor's privacy, but she just didn't pull her shade all the way down. A routine was quickly established and to this day I still cherish the memory. This is a little embarrassing. I never thought I'd be admitting this to something like this to anybody in the world who cared to read it. Oh, well. Tragedy struck about a year later when the neighbor's out of town niece moved in. She had been accepted to the University. I think she was studying agriculture. I'd say she was about five foot nine and at least two hundred and twenty pounds. They say we are more closely related to our cousins than our grandparents. Why people of such a similar genetic pool can be so many shapes and sizes can only be explained by environment. The niece was nurtured on a dairy farm and I think that pretty much messed up what nature could have given her. She wasn't much too look at. She was lumpy in all the wrong places. You've probably guessed where this is going. It wasn't long after she moved in that Jane moved into her sister's room on the other side of the house. Sadly the dairy queen not only didn't pull the shade all the way down, she usually left it all the way up! I pulled mine all the way down. I saw far more than I wanted to see of and I'll even admit to having a look. The thing is, looking at Jane's athletic body in a bra and panties was pretty exciting and to a boy of thirteen, immediately arousing. Peeking around the shade at the neighbor's farm fed niece was simply an act of curiosity and boredom. I'll have you know I did not grow up to be a peeping pervert. My point is, if I'm wired anything like most men, this is the reason why you will never force me to find fat attractive.

I'm not here to rumble...

OK, I will admit that I happened upon this forum from one of the FA blogs. I will say that I don't think that most of you are wrong or evil, and that most of the posts here are made by spouses who love their partners, but just don't get how they can let them selves get fat. I have also seen some posts by people I believe are asshats. I will also say that I do not believe that any fat person should be persecuted by strangers, let alone family and loved ones for being fat. (Trust me, it doesn't work) I don't believe that anyone WANTS to be fat or gets fat on purpose. What I do believe is that a person cannot make changes for someone else, no matter how much they love them, they can only make changes for themselves. A big part of having the inner ability to change is love of self. Many fat people do not love themselves, nor do they believe that they are deserving of love, but they are wrong. Every human being on this earth deserves to be loved. That is why I read FA blogs. If I can learn to accept myself and love myself the way I am now, I have a better chance of making changes to my lifestyle. I think that FA does good work in this area. I also believe that a fat person can be healthy. I have been fat for most of my life and I have not one physical ailment. Not diabetic, not hypertensive, no high blood pressure, no crumbling joints, etc. I am not AS healthy as a tri-athelete, but I am not in imminent medical danger either. I work out. I have been with a personal trainer for over a year now and the benefits I see from it are amazing. I am very proud of how far my endurance and physical strength have come, but, guess what? I'm still fat. What I don't see a lot of here (and I have only been here for a day, so if it's somewhere, let me know) is the address of the mental issues that cause or are a result of fat. Could it be possible that there are deep lying emotional issues that cause your spouses to get or hold onto their fat? I would hate to see the girlfriend of the gentleman who posted that she is sexually out of shape get kicked to the curb for eating candy bars. Someone even mentioned that perhaps she was embarrassed by the whole situation and was placating herself with the chocolate. That was the only emotionally/mentally geared post that I read. Again, maybe I am reading in the wrong places... I guess what this all boils down to is I don't hate you because you are not fat, please don't hate me because I am. You don't know where I have been or where I am going, you don't know if I have just lost 50 pounds or gained 100. Let me love myself and if you are my family, friend or lover treat me with humanity and respect. Encourage me to get the the heart of the matter, whatever that matter may be. Posted Anonymously on the My Fat Spouse forum

Inside the Head of a Fat Wife

This fat acceptance blogger is contemplating divorce, because there are "issues" in her marriage. Somewhere around the halfway marker of her entry she says what you already suspect: the "issue" is that her husband can't accept her weight (and "issues with cyber-fidelity" I take to mean that he seeks refuge in porn), and since she joined the FA she has stopped dieting and her husband is worried that she'll keep getting even fatter.

http://randomquorum.wordpress.com/2009/06/02/how-do-you-know-when-its-time-to-divorce/

It's very obvious that the way she sees it, the problem is all with her husband's attitude and losing the weight is not an option. She'd rather divorce her man than ever attempt a diet again. She seems convinced that dieting is dangerous and detrimental to her health, but for my part I'd bet all I have lock, stock and barrel that no amount of evidence in the form of new studies proving that even repeated yo-yo dieting is not a health-hazard would convince her that losing weight might be a good idea after all. The discomfort of going on a diet is a definite no-no and food comes first.

I don't know what to make of it and I'm sort of speechless really, how can it be that food and eating is worth more than saving a good marriage - and can you really get more self-centered and "shallow" than that? Satisfying your immediate physical needs (cravings for food, distaste for exercise) comes before anything and everything else, and you need to get rid of anyone who attempts to come between you and your dinner so to speak.

Why is the most simple and obvious solution so completely out of the question?



A quote (the author replying to a comment), it's about how her husband is dealing with the issue:

He does seem to want to get over it, but he’s back and forth a lot. I’m not sure he’s getting over it so much as learning to keep his mouth shut more often, although he does say that he really is getting better and that it genuinely doesn’t bother him most of the time. So, yeah, I’m not really sure. It seems now to be a lot of “I can deal with how you are now although you’re still kinda fat but I’m terrified that you will get even fatter in the future and if you’re not dieting now then you certainly will”. He can be really good for a month or more and then all of a sudden he will just go into a mood for a day or two (or more) until he tells me that he’s worried and then he’s fine again (and sleeps like a baby – unlike me who becomes distant and depressed and stops sleeping! how unfair).

And my mum is very fat, so I think he’s afraid I’ll end up like her, and if I do then who knows what will happen. IMO it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world – I love my mum and think she’s awesome and I don’t really notice her fat, but as he’s told me once, he’d rather be dead than me gain 30kgs, so yeah. Who knows.

I don't think there is such a thing as an effortlessly lean and athletic middle-aged individual. It takes hard work and dedication, period. I've been following the debate on Randomquorum, and they now unisonely agree that the husband is abusive, even though the author said he seems to try hard not to bring the subject up, and, if I got it right, only wants her to promise she'll try not to become severely obese like her mother. Somewhat depressingly, a woman who claims to be a professional counselor shares this general opinion.

I don't get this "abuse" -thing. Sure, I'm aware that there are plenty of abusive men out there and they will use a woman's insecurities about her looks and body to control her and destroy her confidence. However, that doesn't mean that every husband who has a wish regarding his wife's appearance is automatically abusive and controlling. I'd say many wives have an opinion on the husband's dress-sense and haircut, and maybe would object if he decided to grow a beard and a moustache, or shave his head or maybe grow a pony-tail and get himself some tattoos. It's hardly abusive to have an opinion regarding those, nor is the husband a victim of abuse if he respects his wife's wishes regarding his looks and style.

For instance, my husband likes me with a certain hairstyle, so even though I might like to try something different I haven't done it because he wouldn't like it - it's no big deal and there's no pressure either way. I just know what he likes and am fine with that. I'd also like to take my fat-percentage down a couple of notches as a challenge and in order to see what the result would be (and I'd like to know if I could ever compete in fitness/figure in my age-group), but my husband tends to complain if I get any leaner and wouldn't be happy having me take on that degree of obsession with workouts & diet, so I probably won't do it. Nothing abusive there either, it's just the kind of compromising you do in a relationship.

So, what I fail to see is, why would a perfectly decent man be labelled an abusive jerk just because he happens to have a preference regarding his wife's looks (which inevitably includes body size)? Just having such a wish and preference (within reason, not anorexic/severely obese or anything else obviously unhealthy) can hardly be wrong. It only becomes abusive if he tries to forcibly impose his wishes, like with verbally and/or physically threatening behavior, destructive manipulation etc.

A Fan of the Fat-0-Sphere

The Fat Acceptance Movement is perhaps the greatest source of (unintentional) satire since the onion. I have noticed that some folks on the famous My Fat Spouse forum people also have a fondness for my favorite FA blogger, Vesta44. Rarely in life can you find a person so willing to talk about how healthy she is and how her weight causes her no problems while at the same time admitting that she cannot walk 2 blocks without getting winded and has to use the mobility cart in Walmart.

I also love the irony that runs rings around almost ANYTHING can be considered Fat Hate. Big Fat Blog just about had a meltdown discussing the BIGOTRY of CNN since CNN had the gaul to feature an article on a man who lost weight. It seems like nothing short of complete delusion will render one free of fat hatred.

I found My Fat Spouse from a link in babble. I had been reading the fatospere for a few months now. I am starting a business and have a lot of free time as a result of procrastinating, so I tend to read tons of FA blogs. I have no idea how I found them but their delusions amazed me. I found it so funny I had to keep going back.

I should say I have no problem with fat people. Heck I actually like them and, for business reasons, hope there will be more. I am a libertarian and truly believe that everyone has the right to live life the way they want to. If you want to be fat, great more power to you. I even appreciate the FA concept of not hating yourself/your body. If you are going to be fat anyway you might as well have a positive outlook on it.

Where FA goes off the deep end and the reason I love it is their AMAZING system of denial. They are convinced that food, exercise, calories, and lifestyle have NOTHING to do with fat, and they go to great lengths to prove it to themselves. rather they are fat due to genetics, setpoints, and dieting. I think one of the reasons that FA 90% women is that men are more likely to admit to eating poorly and being lazy.

Other than Vesta44 (who I actually feel bad for) my favorite is FattyPattys, their distinguished Dr. and author. sadly her blog conveniently died shortly after she was diagnosed with Diabetes. Also has anyone here heard of Kell Brennen? I think I fount the Fatosphere right after she left it but from her comments ar FattyPattys and elsewhere she seems like she would have been the best of them all; a militantly angry fat woman who is completely convinced food has nothing to do with fat and is determined to tell the world. Sadly I can find nothing about here other than a few vestigial comments.

posted by Furio on the My Fat Spouse forum

Aquatic Fitness

OK, so I wanted to discuss aquatic exercise and fitness briefly. I think that a lot of FA ladies do a once-a-week water aerobics class where they put in minimal effort and think that this workout should be enough exercise for anyone.

I think aquatic fitness like this can be very effective if done with a lot of effort, consistency, and longer than just a half hour. I have been "water jogging," lap swimming, and doing deep water resistance exercises at my gym lately due to some knee, ankle and back pain I've been dealing with. I know it's working because my muscles feel sore after a good, hour-or-longer workout where I moved quickly and worked hard against the water the whole time. But I know for a fact that water exercises can be very easy and not very effective if you don't actually push yourself.

Watching FA Bloggers on You Tube

I realize this is old news, but I thought Monique and Rachel came across remarkably well in that show, and I have to admit that of all the FA bloggers these two are the ones I disagree with the least. Rachel's history is, I believe, that she did at one point diet down to "normal weight" with a very restrictive and low-calorie diet combined with plenty of high-intensity aerobic exercise (running I think). What happened was that she couldn't keep it up without making herself ill and deteriorating into an eating disorder. I'm no expert, but I believe that this is what might well happen if you use too drastic methods for weight loss for an extended period of time: your metabolism slows down (thyroid ceases to function normally), and the more you restrict your diet and increase your exercise, the harder it becomes to loose the weight or even maintain it - and in the end both your physical and mental health will suffer, and you run the risk of malnutrition, injuries and burnout. This is why very low calorie diets, detox-regimes, liquid diets etc should never be used without medical supervision (in my neck of the woods VLCDs are recommended only for the very severely obese), and especially not combined with a strenuous exercise regime.

"HAES" (health at every size) and "Intuitive eating" then? Sure, both sound lovely at a first glance. Of course you should exercise for pleasure and general wellbeing rather than just for weightloss, and eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full is very sensible. However, HAES and the FA's interpretation of intuitive eating don't stop there.

What is meant by "supporting the fat spouse"?

Mary45 posted this question in six parts on the My Fat Spouse forum this week. You can read her post and the answers she got by clicking here




What I would very much like to know though is, what is meant by "supporting the fat spouse"? I mean,

1) are you supposed to tell them what to eat and how much, or is that "nagging" that will backfire?

2) Should you tell them off when they eat crap/fattening stuff, or is that being too controlling and a "food police"?

3)Same question re. exercise, should you keep asking them to join you in being active or are you causing resentment by going on about it too much?

4) If there's any form of progress at all, should you comment on it or is it interfering and implying that you don't "love them as they are"?

5) How about "leading by example" then, should you make sure you are ultra-lean and fit yourself, or is that seen as obsessive - but on the other hand don't you need to be the closest thing to "perfect" you can ever be in order to have the right to comment on your spouse's habits?

6) Now it appears that a couple of new issues have come up (see Lightningbolt's post in the Motivating your spouse - section):

6a) Could you be partly guilty for the fat spouse overeating and getting fat if you've kept mum and didn't comment on the weight gain in its very early stages, and
6b) are you actually being "dishonest" if you don't tell them to their face that they are physically repulsive?

or as a summary of 6a & 6b, can you rely on fat spouses knowing themselves that they've gained a lot and are fat and unattractive, or do they need to be told - and if so, at what stage of the weight gain is it appropriate to bring it up?

If you complain about a fat spouse... By A101

If you complain about a fat spouse STFU!....no! -

http://rioiriri.blogspot.com/2007/12/short-opinion-on-dan-savage-thing.html

A tiny thread from some blog most people havnt heard of. But anyway,it spouts the same old idea of if you dont find your overweight partner attractive then you'e bad, never loved them and yada ya.

When will these people realise the differacne between love and attraction and that to have a proper full relationship, many need to have EVERYTHING there.

These people say 'right on its personality not looks', but the thing is, if thats fine for them then great, however to me that type pf partner just sounds like a friend.

People still need a sex life and if looks aren't needed for YOu then fine, but to think that they are irrelevant or 'just packaging' for EVERYONE is stupid.

A person changes when they get older as they say, but they don't to the point of massive weight gains, naturally. That comes from not looking after yourself.

So in the style of words of this blogger 'If you have a fat spouse, shut the fuck up'. It doesn't matter if your partner doesn't look after themselves, therefore taking your sexlife, also causing frustration and resentment to build, because you are a normal human being and physical attraction is an important part of attraction as any other.

You should love them anyway............oh wait you DO, as everyone on here shows, they want their partner to be healthier aswell as look after the physcial side so everything is there for their relationship..........hmm who'd have thought that people would actually want a proper full relationship that they enjoy rather then only having certain bits that others have chosen for them?

Putting to rest guilty feelings of 'shallowness' by A101

I've mentioned something along these lines before, but I have a newer perspective on it.

When many people come on here, many say the same thing:
'I feel shallow because i'm not attracted to my partner'

'Everyone else (who coincidentally doesn't have to go to bed with your spouse) says i'm shallow'

'I feel like a shallow failure for feeling this'

'I'm a bad person and hate myself for my shallowness'

Etc etc etc.

But its time for a change and a realisation and acceptance that your feelings are first of all NORMAL. Physical attraction is as important in a relationship as any other type of attraction, be it emotional, spiritual or any other connections you feel.

But back to the issue of so called 'shallowness'.

Other people (and fat militants) can look at someone who says they are no longer attracted to their partner and call them a whole host of names and also say this magic line:

'So you only care about looks? That is so shallow'

But the thing is, if a partner doesn't look after themselves:

1) It is a NORMAL human response to find them less attractive.

therefore

2) Your sex life and private life suffers

therefore

3) Frustration builds

therefore

4) Other parts of your life can get on top of you

therefore

5) You find things less enjoyable

also

6) You find it less enjoyable being around your partner or you like them more as a friend as you like their personality, however you also want a sexual partner

therfore

7) Resentment/ frustration, or both can build from knowing you no longer have an enjoyable private life, or a full imtimate relationship

so

8) Needs continue to go unmet

therefore

9) As time goes on and things don't change, life seems to become a monotonous tirade of disapointment

and

10) Other people telling you your feelings are bad can hurt you even more and make you feel more alone in your situation

so now

11) You're not only in a hard situation, but now you have no-one to turn too

so

12) Continuous frustration builds as the years pass away

and eventually

13) You end up on myfatspouse.com

A person not looking after themselves not only changes an outward appearnce, it runs very deep. Changing feelings and emotions. Stopping needs from being met. Hurts their partner. Hurts their own body.

Not looking after physical attraction (just like not looking after other aspects of life or relationships), causes a ripple effect, change other things, which themselves change things again.

In reality (no matter how much a lazy spouse or fat militant wants to deny it) not looking after physical attaraction in a relationship changes things that run deep.

And if it runs deep.............then how is it 'shallow'????

A101 is a regular contributer to My Fat Spouse

HAES - yes or no?

When you read the FA-blogs you notice that there's a lot of talk about exercising according to the principles of HAES (Health at Every Size). One of the leading HAES-gurus and fitness-instructors is Kelly Bliss (www.kellybliss.com).

The basic idea is that the primary goal of exercise should be health and not weight-loss, and that you can enjoy exercise regardless of your size. This all sounds wonderful to me, good health and not appearance should be the ultimate goal for any exercise-regime, and your size should never prevent you from working out. I'm all for this philosophy - but after checking out Kelly Bliss' homepage I still have a huge problem with HAES.

For exercise to improve your health you need to challenge your body. It goes without saying that the intensity that is needed depends on how fit you are. For someone who weighs 250 pounds and is new to exercise a 10 min walk or similar can be more than enough of a challenge, but for someone who has some 30-40 pounds extra and is used to walking, a gym-session with some jogging or other cardio, plus some resistance-training, that works up a good sweat is a good beginner-level challenge.

IMO a good rough thumb-rule is that at beginner-level you should sweat and feel some discomfort for some 20-30 mins for a work-out to be beneficial.

The idea is that when you get into an exercise regime your fitness improves, and you gradually have to do more to keep challenging your body and get continued health-benefits.

It's up to the individual what level of fitness you think is enough for you, ie when you think that you are in so good a shape that you don't concentrate on continuous improvement, but just on maintaining the level that you have achieved.

Kelly Bliss' HAES-videos are, IMO, just not challenging enough for significant health-improvement, unless you are so severely overweight that you are disabled by your weight. And even in that case the goal ought to be to use exercise as a tool to lose the weight (ie remove the disabling factor), and gradually move on to more challenging work-outs.

At best HAES could serve as an introduction to exercise, but at worst it will have you stuck at a very basic level and give you a false belief that you exercise regularily and are in good health.

If not finding fat attractive is due too.....by A101 a member of the MFS Forum

 Heres another thought that crossed my mind. Many fat militants say that the reason fat isn't considered attractive to many is due to 'media brainwashing'. 

But if finding people with huge amounts of fat unattractive is because of the media, then what about people with huge muscles? 

People with huge muscles are also found generally unattractive. The freakish, huge jacked up bodybuilders have a look that many don't at all find sexually appealing. 

We havn't been told not to like big muscles. The media hasn't told us to hate big, freak like muscles or find them unattractive. We look at them and find them unattrative because its not really what a human is supposed to look like. 
Just like huge overweight people, it is found unattractive because its OUT OF SHAPE, meaning out of the shape humans are supposed to be in. 

Its obvious that most people are going to find INSHAPE people more attractive because its the shape people are meant to be in, thats why its caled in shape. 

Too much muscle isn't 'inshape' so to speak, inshape is good muscle, good body fat, capable of anerobic and aerobic activity. 
Hughley muscular people are more 'mass monsters' then 'inshape'. 

Too much fat is 'out of shape', therefore of course its going to be found less attractive, thats not media brainwashing, thats finding people who are in the shape humans are meant to be in, more attractive then the people who are out of the shape people are meant to be in. Hows that difficult to understand? 

And also inshape has been found attractive throughout time. Different sizes from larger frames to wasp waists have come and gone, but inshape has always been there and always been found attractive. 

So if not finding fat attractive due to 'hollywood', then why do we also not find big muscles attractive? 

Its because both are not what humans are supposed to look like, neither hugley fat, or hugly and overly muscular, so if you do things that make yourself look that way, then fine, but you can't complain that people then only want to 'be friends' when they dont' feel sexual attraction towards you. 

And you can't complain if you dont look after sexual attraction then find your sex life dwindling. Its how it works. 

The fat militants love to say how fat is beautiful, but if they really believe in size acceptance, that also means tey have to be fighting for the jacked up bodybuilders with every vein sticking out of them, as they are also 'people of size'. And i have never met anyone in real life, or seen anyone on the internet (including those in that fat movement) deny that they find huge freakish vein covered muscles revolting..........well thats hate speech right? 

Therefore the fat militanst also have to go around saying 'Huge muscles with veins sticking out that look completley freakish are beautiful, you are brainwashed if you don't find them attractive' 

Cos i bet they don't, i bet they don't like the hugley muscular, veiny, jacked up like they've been inflated look either (though i've already won that bet seeing as enough of them have said they hate it on their boards, plus saying they want acceptance of sizes then calling thinner people 'matchsticks/aneorexic/beanpoles etc, yet they aren't talking about actual aneroexics but people who are inshape/thinner/not 200+lbs, i'm not even sure some of the militants have seen an anorexic person when they look at a well muscled athletic person then call them anorexic)

Acceptance...

by Jean

How to tell if your spouse really accepts him or herself - and if he or she doesn't, how to bring the subject up.

I stepped on the scale yesterday and saw that I was sixty-nine pounds down – only twelve more to go to get to my goal weight!  Yahoo!  Hmm…how best to mark this achievement?  Well, there was one thing I needed to do that I’d been putting off: packing up those clothes that are now impossibly big for me and delivering them to the church donation bin. 

I admit that this is something I’ve been putting off, for a couple of reasons: first, I was scared.  What if I get fat again?  But this is a defeatist attitude that my COE support group encourages us to leave behind.  Do your damn-level-best to NEVER get fat again, to NEVER let food control your life again.  Let the clothes go!  The other reason has to do with my cheapskate nature.  Losing another twelve pounds will put me down another size, so I really don’t want to go out and buy new clothes until I’m where I should be.  I mean, what’s the point of getting new clothes now, if they’re only going to be too large in a few months?

As it turns out, though, I don’t have to.  I went through my closet and found a number of garments I’d been holding on to – enough outfits leftover from my “pre-fat” days to see me through to my goal.  Surveying the new pile on my bed, waiting to be washed, ironed, and put back into circulation, pleased me.  But it also made me realize something.

Frustrated spouses post on this site because they don’t get support elsewhere.  A common complaint seems to be that they are “flamed,” or attacked for their attitudes, and told that they should “accept your spouse as he/she is.”

Accepting people for who they are is a good thing to do, yes.  But does your spouse accept herself as she is?  If not, should you be expected to do so?

Your spouse may claim to accept herself as she is, but there is a way to see if she really means it – and if she doesn’t mean it, then you have a great opening for bringing up the issue: just look in her closet.

I’m serious.  Look in your spouse’s closet and check if there are outfits in there that you haven’t seen her wear in years…outfits she CAN’T wear anymore, because she’s “outgrown” them.  If there are, you then have the opening you seek: ask her whether or not she accepts herself the way she is, and if so, why is she holding onto those size ten jeans when she’s been wearing eighteens for at least a year?

I don’t about men, but that’s a hard thing for a woman to do.  My mother had a “two-year rule” – that is, if you haven’t worn the article of clothing in at least two years, chances are you never will again, so you might as well get rid of it.  Now there are exceptions to this rule, of course: timeless formal outfits that you don’t wear too often, but are good to have on hand for special occasions are one; seasonal clothing that weird weather hasn’t permitted you to wear is another. 

A year ago, my closet was populated with clothing I couldn’t get into: pants that about cut me in half if I tried to fasten them, blouses that strained the buttons across the bust, tops with short sleeves that cut into the meat of my upper arms.  But that timeless silk blouse went perfectly with that tweed skirt; those faded jeans were my favorites for hanging around the house on rainy days; that sweater was one I work on my first date with Shep; and he could hardly keep he hands off me when I work that tank top.  Not to mention all those beautiful things he got me last Christmas – he has great taste.

 More than that, though, getting rid of my “thin” clothes seemed like an admission of defeat.  To do so would have been like saying, “I will never lose the weight.  I will always be fat.  I am trapped in this obese, unhealthy body.  I will always be this out-of-control person that I have become.”

 Not a pleasant prospect.  So instead, I did what many fat women do: I put those clothes toward the back, vowing to get back into them “someday.”  Then I bought a few, cheap outfits that actually fit to “see me through” until “someday” happened.  I didn’t want to spend money on myself as I was, so I quit having my hair done, using that expensive perfume my mother gave me for my birthday, and neglected the state of my nails.  I think that’s probably how a lot of obese people begin to get into the habit of “letting themselves go” – it’s not that they’ve given up, but that they’re biding their time.

The Truth Shall Set You Free?

The Truth Shall Set You Free?

This article was written by "Mike" who is a regular contributor to the forum



For those of us who are the fit spouse in a relationship, trying to get the fat spouse to exercise and eat properly can be all but impossible. You’ve heard every excuse in the book. You’ve beaten your head against the wall to the point of suffering a mild concussion.You’ve preached endlessly about the benefits of eating properly. You’ve lectured continuously on the benefits of regular exercise. You’ve set the example in your household by eating well, working out regularly, and you continually reap the benefits of looking and feeling good. But the fat spouse continues down his/her same path undaunted, box of donuts in one hand, family size bag of UTZ in the other, 2-liter bottle of Coke wedged under the fat folds of an arm. Am I right?
I’m sure if I asked to see a show of hands right now, everyone’s would be raised. But what’s left? What’s the answer? More importantly, is there even an answer at all?

Denial

Denial was probably written by MFS founder, Chris


Denial is a psychological defense mechanism that a person may exhibit, as a way to avoid confronting uncomfortable realities. Often we hear of this mechanism in relationship to death or someone dealing with a substance abuse issue. Denial can apply to the Fat Spouse situation as well. It is not at all uncommon for the fat spouse to practice denial as a way to avoid coming to terms with their weight and doing anything about it.

In fact many Americans are in denial about their own weight problems. While according to the US department of health 6 out of 10 Americans is overweight, only 36% of Americans actually admit that they are overweight. This figure indicates that around 24% of an Americans are in denial about their own weight. One can see how this mass (pardon the pun) denial could find its' way into your household.

This denial behavior doesn't just extend to acknowledgement of the weight problem, it also accounts for some of the strange behaviors, or statements that come from the fat spouse.

Photoshop Myth

When our My Fat Spouse is discussed in other circles I often hear complaints that "fit" spouses are comparing their wives and husbands to the "photo shopped" ideal that is found in magazines.

Magazines and advertising images are an easy target, because the people in them are sooooo perfect, and we know that they aren't really that perfect in real life.

As a result we get public service announcements to tell us the obvious. Some of them are entertaining none the less.

Of course the reality is that most people don't expect real life partners to look like this. Why?, because we don't see them in our daily lives because they don't exist.

After running this site for darn near two years, I can state that the regulars don't want a photo shopped magazine model for a spouse. When they do their comparing to determine just how much their spouse has "let themselves go" they look at people in their own peer group.

Friends, family, coworkers etc., who are approximately the same age. I really wish we could put this straw man argument to rest, but I suspect we will have to deal with for some time to come.

Talking PAST Fat Acceptance by Chris

With the more moderate elements of Fat Acceptance recognizing this site's existence, and in turn engaging in a somewhat respectful dialog with us, I feel we are losing site of a couple of facts.

First, the moderate part of fat acceptance is a small minority in the Fat o sphere. With the exception of Mopie's BFD blog, the moderate bloggers are in terms of internet traffic, big time light weights.

Traffic Rankings of FA Bloggers.

1. Kate Harding's Shapely Prose (far and a way)
2. The Rachel's www.the-f-word.org (and rising)
3. Mopie's www.bfdblog.com (holding firm)
4. Big Fat Blog (slipping due to neglect and possession of a penis)

We rank right in with 2 3 4 (depending on the week)*

Did you notice that the extremist fat acceptance types have the highest rankings?

All the other bloggers rank way way way down in the basement (Barely measurable).
In fact my occasionally updated (unfatblog.com) beats all of them easily.

What I am saying is that moderate FA types are a distinct minority.

Secondly, When we are debating with Fat Acceptance we should think of ourselves as debaters on the same stage, presenting our arguments, to the audience of both fat and fit people, who have yet to make up their minds about the debate.

Here lately there are a lot of folks that think there is some kind of gap to bridge to mutual understanding that will solve the rift. THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Sure we can convince the more moderate elements of Fat Acceptance that we don't wear horns, but reaching an agreement with FA generally consists of us conceding some of their points, and they conceding very little of ours.

While I think there is nothing wrong with discussing the subject with more moderate HAES people, I don't think that we should spend a lot of time finding a middle ground. The hard core element of FA represents the vast, VAST majority of movement, and they will never acknowledge us or moderate any part of their views toward the reasonable side of the spectrum.

IMO, we should cater our arguments toward the the person that googles "is fat acceptance a good idea?"

*previous to about a month ago www.myfatspouse.com was ranked higher than all of these sites. Alexa.com changed its ranking system at that time. While the top ranked FA blogs get more viewers that MFS, the average audience leaves after viewing 1 to 2 pages. MFS, gets less viewers, but the ones that do come to myfatspouse.com view many many pages, averaging 20 to 50 page views.

Alexa changed the rankings to weight number of unique viewers higher than the number of pages they view.

Chris is the founder of My Fat Spouse

Scholastic vs. Fat Acceptance

Scholastic vs. Fat Acceptance I'm sure you can remember scholastic from your elementary school days. They published a whole host of publications for teachers and offered a book ordering catalog, when I was in school.

As they have entered the modern age they have moved on to things other than books. One of the most recent publications is a online video game called Amazing Food Detective.

Play the Game Here

You would think this game would be totally innocuous and not controversial. But this isn't the case! Big Fat Blog thinks other wise, Big Fat Blog is referring to the game as a "Fat Hate Campaign".

Why?

Because it the game dares to make the assumption that fat people are fat because they eat too much and aren't active. Lately the fat activists and their excuse makers in the media have been very busy challenging the notion that fat people eat more than fit people. Apparently from the rhetoric surrounding this game, they believe their own propaganda. I know most of you don't!

Angry Fat People Who Needs Them?

Posted by Chris on myfatspouse.com