Are You An Enabler?

You would have to be living in an isolated cabin in Montana not to have heard of the term "enabler". Basically an enabler is a person that allows another person, in a relationship, to continue with destructive behaviors by covering for them, and helping them out of bad situations caused by their poor judgment. While we typically think of the terms "co-dependency" and "enabler" as terms in dealing with chemical dependencies, it can apply equally to the "fat spouse" situation
Often the non-overweight spouse in this situation engages in "non-helping" assistance that allows the overweight wife or husband to continue to gain weight?


Of course, women are the most prone to engage in this sort of behavior, but men doing this sort of thing are not rare either. The codependency cycle works like this. Person one fears losing the love of the person two that has the bad habit. The fact that person two can not function without person one, makes person one feel needed and whole in a perverse sort of way.

In other words in many cases a husband or wife can in many ways be helping a spouse get bigger and bigger by not allowing that spouse to experience the results of their "fat" ways. Here are a few examples of this kind of behavior.

Do you ever perform tasks, that your spouse has trouble doing because of their weight?

Do you buy into the excuses that your spouse makes concerning diet, (for example discussions of metabolism, genetics, medication) when you know very well that they engage in a lot of unhealthy eating.

Do you cooperate with your spouse's excuse making for not exercising, (e.g. bad knees, too little time, etc.)?

Do you ever buy unhealthy junk food for your spouse at their request?

Do you ever dine at restaurants that serve unhealthy food at your spouse's request?

Perhaps you can see yourself in these questions. Maybe you can now understand how you could be "enabling" your spouse to be obese. Keep in mind that doing these sort of behaviors is silently approving of your wife or husbands overweight habits. This list could go on and on. I encourage you to add any other "fat spouse" enabling activities to the forum.

This article is from the original myfatspouse.com

I read this website for motivation to lose weight

Let me start by saying that I'm still overweight.  I'm 5'0 and weigh just under 150 lbs...but 5 and a 1/2 months ago I weighed just under 200 lbs.  I've gone from a size 18 to a size 10 and a lot of my weight is from muscle, as I'm currently training for a 5k.  My plan is to get down to around 125, which is a very health weight for my body type (yes, I'm curvy in the sense that I have a big chest and hips and small waist...but no rolls!). My husband is tall and athletic and I find him exceedingly attractive.  We've only been married 3 years but honestly, I'd gained most of the weight while we were dating and before he proposed to me.  Still, I've always known that he prefers thinner, fitter women and it has always bothered me that I wasn't his feminine ideal even though he fell in love with me for many of my other attributes. When I started reading this website it broke my heart because I knew that my husband probably felt the same as many of you, but was too kind to say anything.  Of course, there are a couple of men on this site (no names necessary I'm guessing) who are disgusting pigs undeserving of a woman's love...but the majority of people on this site seem to be here seeking help in a desperate situation. I'm only writing this in case I can help someone else who's struggling, so I'm going to list what's helped me get to where I am today.  

Hypnosis:
On Dateline they pitted six different diets against each other and the guy using Tom Nicoli's weight loss hypnosis CDs lost more (and kept it off) than all the others.  I don't know *why* it works, I just know that it does...I listen to mine on my ipod at night, 3-4 nights a week.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy:   CBT can work miracles. It is the only talk therapy that's proven to achieve long lasting results with changing unhealthy behaviors such as smoking or over eating.  If you don't have a CBT practitioner in your area, I suggest getting the book "The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think like a Thin Person".

For me, my weight gain started with an injury that led to chronic pain and depression which only worsened as my weight went up and up.  But don't get me wrong, I wasn't this thin athletic person before my injury, I've *always* had trouble with my weight.  I would diet like crazy only to give up and gain the weight back, plus some because I had a destructive relationship with food and didn't know how to change. What's different about this time is the CBT.  It retrains your brain so that your relationship with food is different. It is still *incredibly* difficult for me to lose weight.  I have to exercise and restrict my calories, I have to give up a lot of my favorite foods...but the CBT helps me see the advantages of doing so.  It's all about *choice*.  Instead of thinking "It's not fair I *can't* have pizza"...we learn to reframe the situation "I really love eating pizza but I *choose* not to because I know I'll end up eating too much and feel sick.  It's not worth it to me." It may seem like a minor difference, but how we think about food is key to gaining control over it. For the record, when I was fat(ter) I still loved my husband.  I wasn't trying to be disrespectful to him or his love but not taking care of myself...and I wasn't lazy.  Food was/is an addiction just like an alcoholic's relationship to alcohol, and yes, it often *is* biological.  Try to forgive your spouse for getting fat.  They probably aren't doing it out of spite and I'm guessing they aren't happy about it no matter how it appears to you.

Being fat sucks!

One thing I did with my husband was write him a letter telling him *exactly* how he could help me such as:


 "give me hugs when you see I'm struggling"
 "don't criticize me if I'm eating something not on my plan"
 "give me attention when you see I'm making an extra effort with my appearance"

etc.

I also told him I'd need to spend some money related to my fitness plan and that he needed to be OK with that.  I bought new work out clothes, bras, walking shoes (shape-ups), food scale, water bottles, etc.

Here are some things I've learned through my extensive research on the subject of weight loss:

Drink lots of water.  I have a 27 ounce canteen and I drink at the very least, two of them everyday.  

Get enough sleep, at least 8 hours a night.  

The best exercise for fat burning is those that engage your slow twitch muscles...such as paced walking.  Walking has helped me burn more fat than all of my previous expensive work outs (eliptical, kick boxing, step aerobics, etc.) that engage medium and fast twitch muscles that don't burn fat as much.  

Weigh and measure your food in the beginning and log what you eat so you get a better idea of portions.  Try to mostly eat stuff that isn't made with flour or sugar.

That's about it.  I drink water, get a full night's rest, eat lots of healthy protein, fiber, carbs, and fat, walk about 4-5 times a week (only recently I've started training for a race).

What my husband has done to support me is:

Flirted with me, treated me like a sexy woman even before I got there.  He noticed any time I made an effort (by wearing a coordinated outfit, curling my hair, putting on make-up, using sexy linger, etc.).  

He was kind and helpful without being manipulative.  He never compared me to other women.  Never openly checked out other women in front of me or tried to make me feel jealous or threatened by another woman.  

He told me repeatedly how much he loved me.  Is appreciative of all the things I do for him.  

Does some of the cooking and grocery shopping (healthy food only) and some of the cleaning so I always have clean pots and pans for making healthy dinners etc.

He doesn't order buttered movie popcorn in front of me when we go out to the movies.  Doesn't bring home pizza or ice cream or other foods not on my plan.  

Makes suggestions for us to do fun, physical things together, like walks on the beach or skiing.  

Doesn't make me feel guilty if I want to take it easy and watch TV or read a book at night sometimes.  

Builds me up in front of his parents and friends.  Brags about me to everyone (but not about my weight loss because I've asked him not to).

I've read on here already that you can't MAKE your partner lose weight.  They have to decide to do it on their own.  I made the decision on my own, even though my main motivation was for my husband.  I don't know if that would have ever happened if I'd felt pressured by him.  I had to believe that he loved me first.  Those of you who call your spouse a fatling obviously have no respect for your spouse and they are probably well aware of that fact.  Don't feel that you owe yourself an affair...that is the liar's way out.  If you have no love or desire for your spouse and have given up on helping them regain fitness...then do them a favor and be honest with them and get a divorce.

Thanks for listening!

posted by

Chris 

on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum  

Excuses Part One by Chris

It is no coincidence as excuse making has become more and more acceptable; the waist lines of Americans have spiraled out of control. These days, a simple excuse is considered “just as good” as achieving success. It seems that no one is responsible for the results of their actions, or in these cases their inactions! The excuses for gaining weight, and not exercising, or eating right, have grown in proportion to our bellies and thighs. Here is a brief primer of the excuses I hear, and my attempt to debunk them.

“I do not have enough time”

The premise here is that everyone is so much busier than they were in years past that it is simply impossible work out and eat right. They believe that anyone that does accomplish this must have more casual time on their hands.

My Answer: It is always funny how many of these folks seem to know every plot twist on the latest night time series, or have a 59 th level character on World of Warcraft

“I have the Fat Gene i.e. Genetics”

Apparently some people are destined to be fat no matter what they do in life because of there Genetics.

Fat is Bad for Married Sex

Does the idea of having sex with your fat spouse really get you excited?
With the exception of a few people with “fat fetishes”, having sex with your
fat wife or husband either feels obligatory, or meets the bare standard of
releasing you’re pent up sexual desire. The overweight partner has even
greater issues when it comes to sex, which often goes beyond the
psychological. The desire to have sex with a trim sexy partner isn’t a
fabricated Hollywood myth; the science behind sexual interest in fit
bodies is real and has been confirmed over and over, it is undeniable to
a reasonable person.

Diet Junk Food by Chris

When traveling down the isles of of the grocery store it is hard not to notice the huge influx of what should be called "diet junk food." Previously diet food meant bland, or barely edible low calorie food. Diet snacks used to mean something akin to a styro-foam textured rice cakes, or a half the flavor and half the calories baked potato chip. Recently the food marketers have discovered that by simply shaving a few calories off of a cookie, or dropping a gram or two of fat out of a rich ice cream treat,
they can label their food as a "healthy alternative" to regular snacks. Apparently the average consumer, anxious to give the appearance of eating right but not wanting to sacrifice anything in doing so, will snap this cleverly marketed junk food right up.

The diet junk food I observed during my recent trip to the grocery store consisted of three categories. The first was the 100 calorie portion size. The second was the deceptively labeled "lean" or "low fat" product. The final one was the just plain disgusting junk, put under a label like "healthy choice."



The hundred calorie portion bag isn't a bad thing at first glance. But it relies on an asset few obese people have. This asset is called "self discipline." If a person has a great deal of self discipline, a "100 calorie" bag of chips is a nice treat during the day. Unfortunately an obese spouse will consume several 100 calorie bags all day long. When someone asks about their consumption of Doritos while on their "diet", they will pipe up, "These are only 100 calorie bags." What these fat people fail to understand is that three one hundred calorie bags of Doritos requires a half hour of intense exercise on an elliptical to work off! Not to mention that a hundred calorie bag of Cheetos is still a 100 empty calories. Oreos are crap whether they come out of a 100 calorie bag or not!

You are not a Jerk or a Nag!

Jerk or Nag?
by Chris

A lot of effort has gone into making sure that no one is allowed to question the fact that their wife or husband has become fat. Everyone who speaks up on an internet forum is quickly beaten down. When reading these posts and articles, it is obvious that many people are desperate and will imply that a spouse that questions his wife or husbands weight is calloused, insensitive, non loving, and even abusive.

What becomes apparent when reading the attacks, is that even the authors, do not really believe in them. You can tell by the tone, that these are overweight people trying to silence the critics in fear that someday the husband will come home and say "honey I am tired of your big fat ass sitting on the couch getting bigger!, get in shape or get out of my life!"

Guess what?

YOU ARE COMPLETELY RIGHT IN EXPECTING YOUR WIFE OR HUSBAND TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND TO TRY TO BE ATTRACTIVE TO YOU.

Guilt

Putting to rest guilty feelings of 'shallowness' - 2008/01/08 23:00 I've mentioned something along these lines before, but I have a newer perspective on it. 

When many people come on here, many say the same thing: 
'I feel shallow because i'm not attracted to my partner' 

'Everyone else (who coincidentally doesn't have to go to bed with your spouse) says i'm shallow' 

'I feel like a shallow failure for feeling this' 

'I'm a bad person and hate myself for my shallowness' 

Etc etc etc. 

But its time for a change and a realisation and acceptance that your feelings are first of all NORMAL. Physical attraction is as important in a relationship as any other type of attraction, be it emotional, spiritual or any other connections you feel. 

But back to the issue of so called 'shallowness'. 

Other people (and fat militants) can look at someone who says they are no longer attracted to their partner and call them a whole host of names and also say this magic line: 

'So you only care about looks? That is so shallow' 

But the thing is, if a partner doesn't look after themselves: 

1) It is a NORMAL human response to find them less attractive. 

therefore 

2) Your sex life and private life suffers 

therefore 

3) Frustration builds 

therefore 

4) Other parts of your life can get on top of you 

therefore 

5) You find things less enjoyable 

also 

6) You find it less enjoyable being around your partner or you like them more as a friend as you like their personality, however you also want a sexual partner 

therfore 

7) Resentment/ frustration, or both can build from knowing you no longer have an enjoyable private life, or a full imtimate relationship 

so 

8) Needs continue to go unmet 

therefore 

9) As time goes on and things don't change, life seems to become a monotonous tirade of disapointment 

and 

10) Other people telling you your feelings are bad can hurt you even more and make you feel more alone in your situation 

so now 

11) You're not only in a hard situation, but now you have no-one to turn too 

so 

12) Continuous frustration builds as the years pass away 

and eventually 

13) You end up on myfatspouse.com 

A person not looking after themselves not only changes an outward appearnce, it runs very deep.

Skeptical About BMI

Skeptical About BMI
Body Mass Index or BMI has become the standard indicator used by health professionals to determine if a person is too fat or not. Basically, using only height and weight as input variables, a BMI number is produced. If a person has a Body Mass Index number of between 18.5 and 24.9 you are of a health body weight. If you have a number higher than this and you are overweight, below this and you are underweight. The formula for calculating BMI in standard units is as follows:

In 1998 the US National Institute for Health decided to lower the cut off number for being overweight to a BMI of 25.0, previously it was 27.0. This one move effectivly redefined 30 million Americans as overweight. Unfortunately this has made a bad indicator of weight, even worse. Actually, BMI was never intended for use as a health indicator. It was developed in the 1850's as a way to decide if people fit in to mesomorphic, endomorphic, or ectomorphic body classification types. This quakery indicated that peoples personality was determined by their body type as well. With endomorphs(fat) being Jovial, and Ectomorphs(skinny) being intellectual.

By far the largest flaw that BMI has, is the fact that doesn’t distinguish between body fat, and muscular mass. For example a 5’ 6”, well built bodybuilder weighing 190 lbs would be classified as “obese”. While a 6’ 2” ectomorph with toothpick arms and legs, and a pot belly, who happens to weight 160 lbs, would be classified as “ideal” weight. In reality our short weight lifter only has 10% body fat, and exercises very regularly. While our pot bellied geek only exercises virtually on a x-box, and possess a whopping 18% body fat, because he has no muscle mass.

If you would like to calculate your own BMI click this link:

http://nhlbisupport.com/bmi

For an interesting exercise, continue to lower the weight you enter in the calculator for your height, until you find out at what weight you would be considered "too skinny" according to the BMI. If your like me you will find the number absurdly, and unhealthily low!

Why does myfatspouse.com care about an innacurate fatness index? The answer is simple. By pushing this easily dismissed standard for body weight, we simply provide the obesity denial crowd an easy way to dismiss weight loss all together. When the “fat excuse” crowd points out the obvious practical fallacy of BMI, they can in turn stretch their argument that the “fat crisis” in the United States is a fabrication of the diet industry and their friends the drug makers. How can we argue against this rather appearent observation. These same “fat acceptance” types will go on to further conclude that we should forgo dieting altogether since it is unhealthy and destined to fail or worse yet cause anorexia. By not acknowledging the obviouse about BMI we run the danger of legitimizing the irresponsible behavior of the “fat excusers”.
Skin fold caliber tests provide a more accurate way to measure body fat compostition, but they are impractical for every day use, and can be difficult to get consistent results from. But once you master it you can get the most accurate picture of your body fat percentage



Here is an economical skinfold caliper I own and use

Another very usuable, and more accurate gauge of body fat is the Hip to Waist ratio. This indicator uses the ratio of the circumferances of a persons waist versus the circumferance of their hips to determine if they care carrying weight in a fashion that may be unhealthy.

You can caluculate your Waist to Hip ratio at this link:

http://www.ahealthyme.com/topic/waisthip

If someone has a high BMI number, of over 30 (which is the World Health Organization’s cutoff), they more than likely have a weight issue. Since most females lack the ability to gain large muscle mass it is probably a better indicator of body composition women. Frankly if you aren’t doing deadlifts, squats, and drinking protien powder shakes and your BMI is high, you probably do have a weight issue. We all should be carefull not to fall into the denial path that the “fat acceptance” crowd has set up for us. But it is important as well to fully understand what BMI is and how it is calculated before we formulate a weight loss or fitness plan around it

Denial

Denial was probably written by MFS founder, Chris


Denial is a psychological defense mechanism that a person may exhibit, as a way to avoid confronting uncomfortable realities. Often we hear of this mechanism in relationship to death or someone dealing with a substance abuse issue. Denial can apply to the Fat Spouse situation as well. It is not at all uncommon for the fat spouse to practice denial as a way to avoid coming to terms with their weight and doing anything about it.

In fact many Americans are in denial about their own weight problems. While according to the US department of health 6 out of 10 Americans is overweight, only 36% of Americans actually admit that they are overweight. This figure indicates that around 24% of an Americans are in denial about their own weight. One can see how this mass (pardon the pun) denial could find its' way into your household.

This denial behavior doesn't just extend to acknowledgement of the weight problem, it also accounts for some of the strange behaviors, or statements that come from the fat spouse.

Photoshop Myth

When our My Fat Spouse is discussed in other circles I often hear complaints that "fit" spouses are comparing their wives and husbands to the "photo shopped" ideal that is found in magazines.

Magazines and advertising images are an easy target, because the people in them are sooooo perfect, and we know that they aren't really that perfect in real life.

As a result we get public service announcements to tell us the obvious. Some of them are entertaining none the less.

Of course the reality is that most people don't expect real life partners to look like this. Why?, because we don't see them in our daily lives because they don't exist.

After running this site for darn near two years, I can state that the regulars don't want a photo shopped magazine model for a spouse. When they do their comparing to determine just how much their spouse has "let themselves go" they look at people in their own peer group.

Friends, family, coworkers etc., who are approximately the same age. I really wish we could put this straw man argument to rest, but I suspect we will have to deal with for some time to come.

Don't Buy the 'Fat Gene' Myth by Michael Fumento

If there's one thing worse than the awesome American obesity epidemic, it's saying that nothing can be done about it. Sadly, this has become a cottage industry in our country. It ranges from books with titles like Your Fat Is not Your Fault, to Big Is Beautiful! magazine covers, to fat activist groups, to newspaper articles like the recent Post one, "Battle Your Biology? Fat Chance" (New York Post, July 11).
True, telling people what they need to hear as opposed to what they want to hear is not the route to fame, fortune and the best-seller list. But here goes:

Big is not beautiful; it cripples and kills. Studies have repeatedly found that overweight people (not huge; just overweight) suffer higher rates of heart disease, stroke, many types of cancer, arthritis and an incredible array of other diseases.

About 300,000 Americans die prematurely each year from being overweight. Only cigarette smoking causes more lifestyle-related deaths.

Obesity in the U.S. is epidemic in every sense of the word.

Last October, the Journal of the American Medical Association reported that 55% of U.S. women and 63% of men are overweight or obese. The federal government's statistics are similar.

The study also found the obesity rate among adults jumped almost 70% just from 1991 to 1998.

This incredible growth of the national girth belies everyone's favorite excuse, genes. Gene pools don't change within a single generation.

Blaming genes for one's own obesity is also a red herring. Yes, a few such genes affecting metabolism have been found, but they count for almost nothing. One, for example, has been shown to reduce a person's calorie-burning by the equivalent of a butterscotch disk a day.

Why is the nation getting fatter? No surprise here. We're eating more and exerting less, whether in formal exercise or simple day-to-day activities.

Why are individuals getting fatter? See above.

Every one of the multitude of studies in which people's caloric intake and output are measured, as opposed to the studies that simply ask subjects what they eat and how much exercise they get, verifies just what mama told you. Eat too much, don't get enough exercise, and you balloon.

This is bad news if you're looking to scapegoat your metabolism, but good news if you like the idea of controlling your weight fate.

More good news is that another obesity myth is that our bodies, like ratchet-wrenches, readily put pack on the pounds but thereafter refuse jealously to let go of them. In reality, what goes up can come down.

The science of weight loss is still young, but already provides useful advice.

Most important, probably, is to lose the weight slowly. People who have packed on 30 pounds over 15 years and then try to lose it in 30 days are in all likelihood doomed to failure.

For most people, a combination of a moderate reduction in eating and a moderate increase in exercise is most effective.

Drastic swings in either direction provide quick results; however, drastic actions are not sustainable and eventually every pound creeps back on.

It appears that most successful slimmers make and stick to their own plans, without benefit of a commercial program or the latest best-selling diet book.

But the first step in dealing with any problem is recognizing that it IS a problem and can be helped.

Meanwhile, the worst food you can consume is the baloney produced by those who tell you to just eat, drink, and be merry, for nothing can be done.

Read Michael Fumento's additional work on obesity and on cancer.
Read an excerpt from Michael Fumento's book, The Fat of the Land and a review, "'Fat' Sheds Light on Weight Myths" (The Detroit News, December 31, 1997).

Michael Fumento is author of numerous books, including The Fat of the Land: Our Health Crisis and How Overweight Americans Can Help Themselves (Penguin, 1998).

Talking PAST Fat Acceptance by Chris

With the more moderate elements of Fat Acceptance recognizing this site's existence, and in turn engaging in a somewhat respectful dialog with us, I feel we are losing site of a couple of facts.

First, the moderate part of fat acceptance is a small minority in the Fat o sphere. With the exception of Mopie's BFD blog, the moderate bloggers are in terms of internet traffic, big time light weights.

Traffic Rankings of FA Bloggers.

1. Kate Harding's Shapely Prose (far and a way)
2. The Rachel's www.the-f-word.org (and rising)
3. Mopie's www.bfdblog.com (holding firm)
4. Big Fat Blog (slipping due to neglect and possession of a penis)

We rank right in with 2 3 4 (depending on the week)*

Did you notice that the extremist fat acceptance types have the highest rankings?

All the other bloggers rank way way way down in the basement (Barely measurable).
In fact my occasionally updated (unfatblog.com) beats all of them easily.

What I am saying is that moderate FA types are a distinct minority.

Secondly, When we are debating with Fat Acceptance we should think of ourselves as debaters on the same stage, presenting our arguments, to the audience of both fat and fit people, who have yet to make up their minds about the debate.

Here lately there are a lot of folks that think there is some kind of gap to bridge to mutual understanding that will solve the rift. THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Sure we can convince the more moderate elements of Fat Acceptance that we don't wear horns, but reaching an agreement with FA generally consists of us conceding some of their points, and they conceding very little of ours.

While I think there is nothing wrong with discussing the subject with more moderate HAES people, I don't think that we should spend a lot of time finding a middle ground. The hard core element of FA represents the vast, VAST majority of movement, and they will never acknowledge us or moderate any part of their views toward the reasonable side of the spectrum.

IMO, we should cater our arguments toward the the person that googles "is fat acceptance a good idea?"

*previous to about a month ago www.myfatspouse.com was ranked higher than all of these sites. Alexa.com changed its ranking system at that time. While the top ranked FA blogs get more viewers that MFS, the average audience leaves after viewing 1 to 2 pages. MFS, gets less viewers, but the ones that do come to myfatspouse.com view many many pages, averaging 20 to 50 page views.

Alexa changed the rankings to weight number of unique viewers higher than the number of pages they view.

Chris is the founder of My Fat Spouse

Scholastic vs. Fat Acceptance

Scholastic vs. Fat Acceptance I'm sure you can remember scholastic from your elementary school days. They published a whole host of publications for teachers and offered a book ordering catalog, when I was in school.

As they have entered the modern age they have moved on to things other than books. One of the most recent publications is a online video game called Amazing Food Detective.

Play the Game Here

You would think this game would be totally innocuous and not controversial. But this isn't the case! Big Fat Blog thinks other wise, Big Fat Blog is referring to the game as a "Fat Hate Campaign".

Why?

Because it the game dares to make the assumption that fat people are fat because they eat too much and aren't active. Lately the fat activists and their excuse makers in the media have been very busy challenging the notion that fat people eat more than fit people. Apparently from the rhetoric surrounding this game, they believe their own propaganda. I know most of you don't!

Angry Fat People Who Needs Them?

Posted by Chris on myfatspouse.com