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Monday, April 11, 2016

My husband is 500 lbs.

 
 
Ok so here it goes!  I have been typing and deleting my words for the past half hour now.  I was going to tell you our history and make a point that I am not perfect so I am not picking on him but the fact of the matter is that I am picking on him.  I am angry, frustrated and tired.  I feel like a bad person talking about my husband and I have to remember I am human and am allowed to feel.  My husband is 500 lbs. and miserable.  I was reading a lot of posts before I signed up and can relate to many.   My problem though is that I am not sure if my disgust with my husband is so much his weight or if it is his attitude.  My unprofessional opinion of him is that he has some type of personality disorder that has not been correctly diagnosed.  He wants to blame his weight gain (he was about 185 when I met him 24 years ago) on work, where he lives, me and any other excuse he can come up with.  I have taken on more responsibility then I should have and he just complains about what I don't do or tells me what I need to do.  Oh he thinks he tries to tell me he appreciates me but it is short lived and a little too late.  I wipe his butt, help him shower, cut his toenails, scrape his feet, brush his hair, help him dress.  A lot of the time he is so out of breath and frustrated with himself he gets nasty with me, when I am only trying to help.  Then he wonders why I don't show him any affection and I'm the bitch.  (Just a note:  I probably wouldn't be so reluctant to show affection if he was considerate of my time before he became obese. He was a jerk at times before and the weight gain made it worse).  I come home from work and see him either on the couch watching TV, sleeping or on the computer playing video games.  This is after we have our daily argument over the phone about what to have for dinner.   Dinner ideas are the only thing he needs to do!  I do everything else!  I resent him deeply. I also feel sad for him or me or just the situation.   Back to the "affection".  When we actually have sex, it is not fun and it is just sex, no intimacy.  Intimacy flew out the window along time ago!  I am 50 and not very limber so on top isn't going work.  On the bottom barely does, but in addition to it being uncomfortable I have a great fear of him having a heart attack or hurting himself and collapsing on top of me.  I am 5'6 and an evenly distributed 150 lbs.  I don't want to get hurt either.  He blames everyone in the house for not taking care of the house/furniture but because of his weight, he has destroyed our couch, hardwood floors, and drywall behind the couch.   I don't know why I stay, should have left a long time ago when he was still able to take care of himself.    Our family and friends have been scratching their heads for years at both his weight gain and why I am still there.  I am just at the end of my rope and need to vent to other people in my shoes.  Thanks for the outlet!

PS.  My screen names refers to the fact that when he tells me he loves me, I hesitantly say it back, but I don't think I do.  I think he is just a bad habit... 

Posted by  LivingALie 

9 comments:

  1. I can relate to a lot of what you have stated. I'm at a loss myself as to what I should do. My husband and I have been together 30 years and have 2 kids. He is a different person now from when he was just overweight. We used to do everything together, now nothing. He always has an excuse so that he doesn't go to any school concerts or sporting events. My son graduates this year and has been in band since 6th grade. His dad has never seen a concert in person, I have to record it on my phone and bring it home. It has gotten to the point that he will bang on the wall or holler for our daughter to come to the living room so that she can get him ice water or bring him all the ingredients needed for a salad or sandwich so he doesn't have to leave the couch. If anyone refuses to get him his things, we have to get yelled at or ignored, we become outcasts. His weight has ballooned to over 560 lbs and with that he does less and less. When I expressed my concern over his sleep apnea and severe edema in the legs, I was told "f" that. There is always an excuse. I do love this man but I am ashamed at myself for staying and letting this attitude become toxic for me and my kids. He was a good man, but the weight and his dysfunctional way of dealing with it is making me resent him. Sure would be nice to have someone that understands to talk with about the challenges of living with a morbidly obese spouse.

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  3. Hi, I can SO connect to your story in many ways, but my husband is around 350lbs which is larger than I have ever known him these 6 years. I will tell you this, I don't have the years in the marriage that you do or the children with my husband, he is my third after my last 28 year marriage ended. I believe that makes a difference in our decisions for our lives.

    I hear you saying all the things you do for him to care for his hygene and will tell you there is no way in hell that I would do that for my husband. I had trouble doing things like that for my mother, but we did not have a close relationship which made it difficult for me to do such things.

    I can't stand the daily routine my husband goes through each day to dress himself especially since his cloths are getting smaller and smaller. I listen to him breath hard just getting dressed, he puts his belt on by feel since he can't see below his huge stomach. I don't even know how he hits the toilet when he pees. He says he is happy and that he never knew there was anything wrong with being fat until he met me...........wtf? I have told him I will never give up on wanting to encourage him to lose the weight. Especially since he is afraid of old age and bad knees and back. Truth is, if he was that worried, he would lose the weight. He will lose 25 then stop and gain that back and more. He says he would never reach 400lbs but he is closer now than ever. I have always loved his handsome face, but now even that has lost its look and is just a fat face. I would divorce him if I was able to afford my home myself but I can't so I am stuck because of finances. I can't stand to look at his huge stomach that now hangs out the bottom of his shirts and he is not even shy about being seen without a shirt or in a wife beater in front of everyone. Hell, I am embarrassed that they have to suffer seeing it, I know what goes through the mind, it is disgusting!

    I am so brutally honest with him and I know it hurts but he never says anything, he refuses to talk with me about anything so I try anything I can to reach him, but nothing works. If you have the means to leave, I think you should. You are entitled to happiness, a man who loves you and shares all the good things that come with that. I know you would worry about him, but you have been doing that for how long and where has it gotten you? He needs to do what he needs to fend for himself and face his reality. Sometimes tough love is what it takes, hard as it is. We can't beat ourselves up for those who don't beat themselves up for their own issues. If you ever want to talk more, I would be happy too. I am on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/bmstull you can email me at bmstull11@yahoo.com or maybe sometime we could talk on the phone in the future. I wish you some sort of breakthrough and happiness in life!

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  5. When we 'enable' someone that we love, we are hurting them more than helping them.
    For example....Experts say that the spouse of an alcoholic should NOT clean up their vomit, or make life easy for them, etc.

    In the same vein, a wife who is willing to "wipe the butt" of an obese spouse is essentially doing the same thing as an "enabling" spouse of an alcoholic. Not until the obese individuals have to deal with the repercussions themselves will they be
    willing to change.

    Morbidly Obese people simply cannot live without the support of Enabling spouses or family members who willingly do all of their shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. When left to fend for themselves, the morbidly obese would eventually be forced to lose weight, because no one would be there to feed them and make life live-able.

    It takes "tough love" to make any relationship work. And it's especially true with the morbidly obese.

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