Why divorce is NOT out of the question.

Now before i begin this post i want to make the intentions behind it clear. I am not saying with this post that people just up and leave straight away the second a problem arises. Everyone on this site has shown they love their spouse. Yes they are greatly annoyed and disapointed by their partners behaviour and what they have allowed themselves to become with self destructive ways eg: Overweight, lower physical attraction, aswell as changes in moods and characteristics for the worse etc, but still love them and want the best for them. This post is an anaolgy for those who have, after all of their efforts, found themselves right back where they started, no improvements, and hearing more excuses. This is too show that in the end, sometimes a relationship just can't continue. Some people will feel guilty because they feel 'shallow' that they want to leave because of lower physcial attraction, but dont accept or listen to themselves and hear the whole story their heart is telling them, and see the other ramifications that come along from their spouses behaviour, as they are so afraid that they may 'be a bad person' for their feelings.. As i wrote in another post, not looking after physcial attraction causes a normal human response to find the person less attractive. Therefore sex lives suffer, frustration builds, resentment can build, also the fat partners behaviour can change the fat partners personality for the worse as their laziness continues to set in and become their norm etc Some people find that after so much effort of trying to help their partner and finding nothing has worked, they realise their partner no longer does the one main thing that partners and friends are there to do for our lives: Make it better. And sometimes things just realistically can't continue, behaviour and habits can not be tolerated and it is not selfish to decide it is not how you want to live anymore, it is selfish for the fat spouse (aswell as fat militants and those who accuse you of 'shallowness (even though their opinion is irrelevant, they at the end of the day aren't in the relationship, you are), to expect a relationship to always be there when they put no effort into keeping the spark and passion alive, looking after themselves, and allowing self destructive behaviour to become more important to them then looking after their relationship.
After all this, here is an analogy to show why, in the end, sometimes you have to say 'Enough!' Think of this: A mother and father have a child. This child is their pride and joy, makes them smile and happy, theiry child is happy, they are the light of each others lives. Then the child grows older and falls in with the wrong crowd, and finds itself getting involved in more and more bad behaviour. The police are constantly ringing home telling the parents 'we have your child', and the parents, although they love the child, will grow increasingly frustrated, and wonder 'just what went wrong'. All attempts at helping the child to stop their destructive behaviour are in vain. Nothing works not matter what and eventually the parents are at their wits end. They are at the edge. They love their child as parents do, but they miss with all their heart, the person who made them smile, the happy, fun child they once had, who has been replaced by a social deviant and troublemaker, who has no intention to change. Who is now ruining their lives, making live miserable. Then one day the police phone the house saying 'Your child is in deep trouble again', and the parents say 'I'm sorry, but we have tried to often to help. We can't take anymore. They are on their own'. This analogy is actually what has hapened in real life with parents and young troublmakers. This has happened many times, and some parents although they love their child have been pulled so far over the edge they have even said 'I'm sorry, i don't have a child' when they are contacted for the hundreth time by the police. I hope you understand this analogy. Remember this is REAL LIFE. Relationships take effort and work from both sides. they are not something to be taken for granted. People who dont look after themselves must realise this. Some people just seem to think their partner owes them the relationship, but relationships are equal partnerships and both people need to pull their weight. This is the real world, with real people, with real human limits to what they can take. And if a partner doesn't care enough to look after their relationship, they have no-one else to blame when the other finally says 'Enough!' (And no i'm not comparing spouses to criminals, to anyone who may not understand the analogy means no matter how close your bond is with someone eg husband and wife, parent and child etc, ALL people have human limits, and like the parents in the analogy, they love their child, but the destructive behaviour can no longer be tolerated, and no help has gotten through, so they must say 'we can't put up with this anymore')

A101 posted this on the My Fat Spouse Forum

What Body Acceptance Really Is by A101

There is an idea in the fat movement that body acceptance means simply saying ‘I’m fat, ah well, there’s nothing I can do, and there’s no point trying anyway’.

A more extreme example of this attitude is ‘I’m fat, there’s nothing I can do, and you can’t either. There’s no point trying, and if you do it means you hate yourself. And not only yourself but ALL fat people. If you don’t want to stay like us then you are bad, think we are bad and hate us. You are a sell-out. You are giving in to society’.

Well for a start body fat is not magic (you will find I write this a lot, simply because its true). It is not. It is created. And it is created from what we give it. Bodyfat is stored energy. Our bodies use energy to live, to function, to be. What is given to the body, but not needed is stored away for later.

Endomorphic body types have a tendency towards storing more bodyfat, but this doesn’t make obesity for this body type inevitable. It means that more effort needs to be put forward to watch weight gain.

But at the same time, there are far too many overweight people in todays world to be able to say ‘They are all just endomorphs’, just like there are too many to say ‘it’s all due to medical conditions/unlucky genes’ etc. And though small amounts of people have medical conditions that result in weight gain due to changes in the body, there is no shortage of overweight people all trying to lump themselves into this category.

But back to the issue of body acceptance.

I think that the fat movements view of what constitutes ‘body acceptance’ is very skewed.

Of course we should all accept our bodies and our body shapes. This is our body and the only one we are going to get, so yes!! Enjoy it.

Accepting your body means accepting that maybe ‘Hey I’ve got short legs, I’ll have to accept that, nothing is going to make them longer’, or ‘I have narrow shoulders/wider hips’ or things like ‘I notice I have a tendency to store body fat more easily, so I’ll be more careful with my nutritional choices', or ‘I see that I have a hard time putting on muscle, I’ll do some research on nutrition and sensible resistance training programmes to help’ etc.

Accepting your body is a good thing, and we are all different, with different features etc.
The problem with the fat acceptance movement however is that they also seem to believe that accepting your body means, you can’t then do anything to improve it.

Or to go deeper into it ‘You can do things to improve it……..just don’t you dare go losing bodyfat whilst you do!!’.

For instance if a person is overweight and they choose to exercise then ‘fine’ say the fat movement and ‘well done’. But that changes in a flash if they then find out that this persons goal is to lose bodyfat.

That is strictly not allowed.

By doing this, they see it as calling them bad, ugly or not as good, because surely a person couldn’t want to lose bodyfat if they think that fat people aren’t worth less then others.
But this is no different then someone saying ‘If you try to improve your education beyond us, then that means you think we aren’t as good. There is no way that you can want to become smarter if you don’t think that uneducated people are worth less’.

And its nonsense.

One of the main reasons this happens is because the fat movement do not believe that being overweight can cause problems (many don’t believe this no matter how overweight/obese the person is). So in their mind, the only reason a person could possibly want to lose weight is because this person doesn’t want to look like them. Therefore they must hate them (the word hate gets thrown around a lot in the fat movement, no matter what is said or how nicely its put. Any criticism at all seems to be deemed ‘hate speech’).

But lowering your bodyfat is self improvement, just like adding on muscle, improving your cardiovascular systems and heart functioning, and everything else that comes from a well rounded fitness programme.

What ‘body acceptance’ really means is accepting your basic shape and bone structure, whether you are an ectomorph, mesomorph, or endomorph (people are usually mixtures of these rather then just one, but they often lean towards one of these more then the others) and the basic things that make up you.

But it does NOT mean that you hate yourself if you decide to improve everything about yourself that you can.

Just like a person may have a learning disorder, and they will need to accept that. But that doesn’t mean that this person should also ‘accept’ that they will never know anything, and will never be academic or clever.

They may not become a super genius (just like people with their bodies don’t all get to become built like Greek gods) but they can still make great improvements in themselves.
And does improving your mind mean you ‘hate’ those who are less academic then you?
Does wanting to improve athletic ability mean you hate those without it?

Of course not. And wanting to lower your body fat is no different.

Another argument that the fat movement use is that by lowering bodyfat ‘you are conforming to societies idea of beauty’. But this statement is very unfair as it is basically implying that there is no way that you as a fully thinking adult, could possibly want this for yourself. You can only NOT want it, or be brainwashed into wanting it.

You can’t want to be trimmer, only be brainwashed to ‘conform’. And its not true anymore then saying ‘by studying for your exams you are conforming to societies idea of intelligence’, or ‘by taking up a popular sport you are conforming to society and its ideals because society likes sports’.

Couldn’t you also therefore say ‘by watching television you are conforming to societies idea of entertainment’? Does it therefore mean that there is no way you could possibly want to watch that popular t.v show? That you can only ‘conform’ to watching it?

By saying wanting to lose bodyfat shows ‘conformity’, that means that there is no such thing as preference.

Not everyone can look like a Greek god/goddess as mentioned, but that doesn’t mean that a person can’t want to make themselves in trimmer shape by their own choosing either, and it certainly doesn’t show ‘hate’ for others who don’t do it, or who have the body shape that they themselves are trying to change.

As mentioned above, wanting to change something doesn’t mean you hate those who will still have it, and it doesn’t mean at all that you think less of them, or that they are worth less. We all want different things from ourselves, and we all aspire to different things including certain looks.
Not everyone can achieve perfection, just like not everyone who takes up a sport can become an Olympian or an elite athlete, but our potentials are there to be discovered.

We are not born at our full potential, be it in body or mind. We either choose to seek out our potential, or we sit on the sidelines and forever be left wondering. Some people even tell themselves that they didn’t have any anyway. And that is no way to be thinking about yourself.
Wanting to lower bodyfat is not a sign of hate, of yourself or others. It is an improvement of yourself.

Fat movement members will take this as saying ‘oh so you think you are making yourself better then us’, but that is no different (as I already mentioned) then a person improving their education and others getting offended and saying ‘oh so you think your better then us because you are smarter!’.

There is no denying it, making yourself smarter is a self improvement. Should we therefore all get offended when others seek higher education then us?

Body acceptance means accepting the parts you can’t change (like you can’t make your legs longer for example), but also improving what you CAN.

That is not only body acceptance, but total body love and respect.

But whilst the fat movement see body fat as some magic entity that we have no say in at all, and harp on with their ‘wanting to change something can only mean you hate yourself’ (again, no different then saying wanting to improve education/gain education means you first have to hate your mind), that body acceptance means ‘not changing anything physically about your size at all’ (some even say you shouldn’t even if it is for health reasons, whilst others hold tight to beliefs that there is no health concern no matter how large the weight gain) and that if you change yourself it means you hate those who have what you decided to change, then this will continue.

The great part though is that you can take it into your own hands.

For many large weight gains cause many problems from health to everyday difficulties with even simple tasks, or general activity.

The fat movement members size’s are their own business, but this is also a movement which will berate others for calling them names, or making them feel bad or guilty for being so big, whilst seeing nothing wrong in belittling their own if they admit to even feelings/thoughts or considerations of lowering bodyfat.

Telling a person they can’t lose weight if they believe in fat acceptance (fat acceptance in this term I mean as ‘leaving overweight people alone, not bullying them etc) is no different then non academics saying ‘we want everyone to stop calling us names, and making us feel bad and calling us dumb because we don’t have the education that others have’, then turning around and belittling a member who has decided they want to improve on their own education.

It is definitely a strange movement full of extremes, and calling itself ‘fat acceptance’ (which sounds like it means and encourages ‘don’t bully fat people’ ideas, which are absolutely fine) but really has a whole host of increasingly far fetched ideas doesn‘t help.

As when people find out the other things besides the ‘don’t bully overweight people‘ parts, they then say ‘I don’t agree with fat acceptance‘, causing others to go off on immediate tirades of ‘oh so you hate fat people’ etc, when really they mean they don’t agree with the far fetched ideas.

Acceptance (in all things and situations) means accepting what you have got, but also making the most and very best of it.

And losing bodyfat makes a whole host of things more accessible to a person. Nobody should be made to feel they HAVE to be/look a certain way, but this works both ways,. And on the other hand, nobody should be made to feel they can’t change something for fear of ridicule from their own numbers either.

If you are happy overweight, then fine be happy. But there are others in the same position who won’t be, and they have as much right to change as you do of staying the same.

But simply saying ‘I’m overweight, oh well, what can you do’ isn’t body acceptance. That’s simply body submission.


A101 is a contributer to the My Fat Spouse Forum. He originally posted this piece on his blog, Delving into the World of Pro-Fat

It is always easier to point a finger at someone else...

"It is always easier to point a finger at someone else though instead of looking inward to deal with your own faults and shortcomings."

Yes it is, the whole fat movement is built on this.....right well that's that one sorted then.

Its not blaming all of the marriage faults on the obese spouse. Its the spouse has become obese, which then causes problems.

But she is right, i really wish the people on this site would get over their selfishness of wanting their partners to...you know...stay alive.

This goes to show the victimhood mentality. It seems like this person thinks that fit spouses just blame everything that goes wrong on the obese one.

That's crap, the obesity ITSELF causes problems.

Worries about health, (eventual) medical bills, also sex lives suffer, the obese spouses sex DRIVE suffers or they get sexual problems (thinking its immature to want a sex life is itself immature, the phrases 'why are you so pissed off? Not getting any at home?' were made for a reason, because sex is a human need and people can grow frustrated (especially if celibacy is FORCED on them by a partner who can't have sex (or an enjoyable experience with it) due to their lifestyle, and doesn't seem at all interested in changing that), hence the term sexual frustration), wondering why a person is more interested in their destructive lifestyle then staying healthy etc

Also that whole 'its whats inside, not the package' line again doesn't work, simply because (i assume its a women writing) if the personality her husband has was in a woman, she would NOT become a lesbian to be with that personality. She would want it in a mans body to be in an intimate relationship with it, so the package DOES matter.

And again, there is more then just personality at play in relationships because a person whos personality you like is called a FRIEND, and people aren't all in relationships for only a friend, because they have friends for that.

Different people have different roles. The love for a child, is different to love of a parent, which is different to love of a friend, which is different to love of a partner etc

A partner is also your SEXUAL partner. Not just 'a nice person you hang out with'. And people need to be turned on too have sex, not just flick a switch.

Also 'putting their spouse before their own selfish wants and needs'??

The obese spouses of the people on this site are the ones putting food and laziness ahead of looking after their relationship, then saying 'well you have to love me anyway', err hello, THAT'S selfish.

How is a person who has put up with that for sometimes 20+ years and STILL trying to help 'selfish'??

This is pure sympathy factor typical stuff. The obese spouse must be the nice kind one, and the fit spouse must be the bully.

Fit spouses are NOT blaming every problem that comes along on the obese spouse. The obese spouses obesity CAUSES problems, and obviously people are going to be unhappy when that person then shows no interest in solving the problem, and you have movements like the fat movement trying to convince people that any move made to help, isn't help, but hate.

And then they go and wonder why people are on here asking for help after all that?

Geez.




Posted by A101 on the My Fat Spouse Forum

Balance and Relationships

I have no doubt that having a healthier looking/fitter body improves the quality/quantity of a married couple's sex life; however, let's also consider this other dynamic: 60% percent of married men cheat and 40% of married women cheat - and those are only numbers that reflect people who are willing to admit to adultery.

Therefore, I will always believe - especially as a recovering fatty - becoming physically healthier is a process that must be motivated by something greater than merely looking better for one's spouse....because even a hot body, and a hot sex life, doesn't keep most modern marriages together.

That being said the problem with some is that they go the other way and assume that only 'a nice personality' will keep a modern marriage together.

Relationshps are made up from lots of differant factors and people have many differant needs. Relationships are very hard work, and all things need to be there for it to be healthy and to work out.

People cheat for a huge variety of reasons, not just because of looks issues. Being fed up of a spouses bad attitude can make people resent their spouse and start distancing from them, and finding themselves drawn closer to others for example. Theres a whole host of reasons.

Also the part where you mention 'needs to be for something greater then to look good for their partner', was partly covered in another post called 'putting to rest guilty feelings of shallowness'.

When people don't look after themselves it changes way more then just the physical appearance. Changes run much deeper. A lack of sex life for example can run over into other areas of life, make things harder, stress easier to build, resentment to grow etc.

Phrases like ' what are you so stroppy about? Not getting any at home?' or 'you can tell you havn't had sex for a long time with an attitude like that', aren't new.

Also yes it just as important to be about the person whos getting into shape's health. Thats extremely important. But i guess it isn't mentioned so often (thoug it is on this site) because people think 'well if they lose weight they will get healthier anyway', so maybe they feel no need to mention it. People have their own reasons.

If however a partner is encouraging a partner to do things that are very unhealthy, like starve themselves etc, then yes that would definatly be a wrong thing to do.

Getting in shape should only be done the healthy way.


Wanting your partner to improve health and look after themselves as well as look after their shape for private lives, is a human need and part of a relationship(and they themselves should be doing the same, by the way is you partner? Both need to look after themselves, for themselves and for each other and their realtionship, not only one of them.).
Relationships are not easy.

I know it's more PC to talk about the negatives health aspects of obesity, but rarely, when Anti-Fat issues are discussed, especially by men, is general health the forerunner of the topic. It's almost always geared towards aesthetics and how "disgusting looking" an obese individual is. Now, I will never discredit how unnatural the look of obesity is when manifested in the human species. I've always felt it was unnatural and unattractive.

The differance between men and women is that we need to get erect to have sex. You can't have sex without one of those present. And without any visual stimulation at all, there will be little to no luck in getting ready for sex for most men. Then partners can blame lack of erections on the male partner, saying they have erectile disfunctions when really they are in full working order, only what is naturally needed in order to gain that is missing. And a fact of life is a lack of sex can annoy people and stress people greatly. Just like poeple come on the My Fat Spouse forum and rant and rave, but then when they get it out they become calmer and seek for answers to help them out. Hence this site.

The differance between a friend and a partner is sex. So a man or a woman who has a partner who cooks and cleans and is nice basically is in a physical relationship with someone who is more like a friend who cleans up. Think of all the friends you have. I bet they have nice personalities. I bet you like being around them. But your not having sex with these people. But in a relationship, where only that person is meant to fulfill your physical needs, and you look at them and see someone who seems more like your friend, then things can get hard.

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. If your sex life is great, but the person doesn't help out or isn't kind to you, the sex life wont make the full relationship work.

If a person cleans, pays bills and looks after you, but won't communicate, then the fact they do dishes and pay bills wont make up for lack of communication or make the full relationship work.

If everything is great, except they treat the kids like nothing, then the relationship (and family) isn't going to work or be happy.

And its the same with sex lives. Everything needs to be there to make relationships work or keep it happy and functioning well. Like anything else, if a piece is missing it wont work, or at least not as effectivley.

Relationships are really hard things. They have never been easy and never will be.

As far as the looking at you with disgust and such, that definatly wasn't helpful.

What I'm basically saying by all of this is that all aspects of a relationship need to be there to balance it out and make it work.

posted by A101 on the My Fat Spouse forum

If you complain about a fat spouse... By A101

If you complain about a fat spouse STFU!....no! -

http://rioiriri.blogspot.com/2007/12/short-opinion-on-dan-savage-thing.html

A tiny thread from some blog most people havnt heard of. But anyway,it spouts the same old idea of if you dont find your overweight partner attractive then you'e bad, never loved them and yada ya.

When will these people realise the differacne between love and attraction and that to have a proper full relationship, many need to have EVERYTHING there.

These people say 'right on its personality not looks', but the thing is, if thats fine for them then great, however to me that type pf partner just sounds like a friend.

People still need a sex life and if looks aren't needed for YOu then fine, but to think that they are irrelevant or 'just packaging' for EVERYONE is stupid.

A person changes when they get older as they say, but they don't to the point of massive weight gains, naturally. That comes from not looking after yourself.

So in the style of words of this blogger 'If you have a fat spouse, shut the fuck up'. It doesn't matter if your partner doesn't look after themselves, therefore taking your sexlife, also causing frustration and resentment to build, because you are a normal human being and physical attraction is an important part of attraction as any other.

You should love them anyway............oh wait you DO, as everyone on here shows, they want their partner to be healthier aswell as look after the physcial side so everything is there for their relationship..........hmm who'd have thought that people would actually want a proper full relationship that they enjoy rather then only having certain bits that others have chosen for them?

Putting to rest guilty feelings of 'shallowness' by A101

I've mentioned something along these lines before, but I have a newer perspective on it.

When many people come on here, many say the same thing:
'I feel shallow because i'm not attracted to my partner'

'Everyone else (who coincidentally doesn't have to go to bed with your spouse) says i'm shallow'

'I feel like a shallow failure for feeling this'

'I'm a bad person and hate myself for my shallowness'

Etc etc etc.

But its time for a change and a realisation and acceptance that your feelings are first of all NORMAL. Physical attraction is as important in a relationship as any other type of attraction, be it emotional, spiritual or any other connections you feel.

But back to the issue of so called 'shallowness'.

Other people (and fat militants) can look at someone who says they are no longer attracted to their partner and call them a whole host of names and also say this magic line:

'So you only care about looks? That is so shallow'

But the thing is, if a partner doesn't look after themselves:

1) It is a NORMAL human response to find them less attractive.

therefore

2) Your sex life and private life suffers

therefore

3) Frustration builds

therefore

4) Other parts of your life can get on top of you

therefore

5) You find things less enjoyable

also

6) You find it less enjoyable being around your partner or you like them more as a friend as you like their personality, however you also want a sexual partner

therfore

7) Resentment/ frustration, or both can build from knowing you no longer have an enjoyable private life, or a full imtimate relationship

so

8) Needs continue to go unmet

therefore

9) As time goes on and things don't change, life seems to become a monotonous tirade of disapointment

and

10) Other people telling you your feelings are bad can hurt you even more and make you feel more alone in your situation

so now

11) You're not only in a hard situation, but now you have no-one to turn too

so

12) Continuous frustration builds as the years pass away

and eventually

13) You end up on myfatspouse.com

A person not looking after themselves not only changes an outward appearnce, it runs very deep. Changing feelings and emotions. Stopping needs from being met. Hurts their partner. Hurts their own body.

Not looking after physical attraction (just like not looking after other aspects of life or relationships), causes a ripple effect, change other things, which themselves change things again.

In reality (no matter how much a lazy spouse or fat militant wants to deny it) not looking after physical attaraction in a relationship changes things that run deep.

And if it runs deep.............then how is it 'shallow'????

A101 is a regular contributer to My Fat Spouse

Conforming to societies idea of beauty by A101

Another argument that the fat movement use is that by lowering bodyfat ‘you are ’. But this statement is very unfair as it is basically implying that there is no way that you as a fully thinking adult, could possibly want this for yourself. You can only NOT want it, or be brainwashed into wanting it.

You can’t want to be trimmer, only be brainwashed to ‘conform’. And its not true anymore then saying ‘by studying for your exams you are conforming to societies idea of intelligence’, or ‘by taking up a popular sport you are conforming to society and its ideals because society likes sports’.

Couldn’t you also therefore say ‘by watching television you are conforming to societies idea of entertainment’?

The role of looks in personal relationships by A101

A starter point:
I have never understood some peoples strange and undying need to deny that physical attraction has an important role to play in a healthy relationship.

The way you look is a part of who you are, your body goes everywhere with you.

Everyone has 'bad days' and such, and no-one is expected to look perfect all the time, however a politically correct segment of the world has decided that any mention of needing physical attraction means there is something wrong with you, and feed out insult after insult, guilt trip after guilt trip.

Hence, many are unlikely to (at least openly) admit that physical attraction is important to them.

Some people claim it's 'only personality that counts' but if that was the be-all and end-all then we'd simply be married to all of our friends, after all we like their personalities.

But then the difference between friendship and a relationship is that you don't (generally) have sex with your friends, and you don't have sex with personalities or emotions, we have sex with our bodies. Sex is PHYSICAL.

We are naturally drawn to what we are attracted too, like a beautiful sunset, or a sunny beach, a nice house etc, yet others will say 'Well people aren't beaches are they', but then go off and tell others 'Looks don't matter, after all you can't judge a book by its cover'…….so are we books? No!

Is sex really that important?:
Sex is an important aspect of a healthy relationship, it is simply wrong to deny this. It is complete fact, sex is healthy and it is a perfectly natural human need.

Some people feel they can go without it or that its not important, which is fine if that's right for them, their views and their life, but forcing this onto other people's lives is ludicrous.

You cannot tell other people what things they can/can't or should/shouldn't look for in a relationship.And physical attraction is one of them.

Twisting commitments and vows:
It is a common occurrence to hear in relationships that when total commitment has been verified (or after marriage), vows or commitments get twisted to mean 'No matter what I do, you have to shut up and like it'.

But why does being in a full relationship then mean you don't have to try anymore?

Relationships need constant maintenance to keep them alive. Just like anything else, if it is not looked after, it stops working and falls apart.

Some spouses who have deliberately stopped caring, or 'let themselves go' hide behind their vows from marriage and twist their meanings.

The most popular vow to twist is 'For better or for worse', but they seem to drastically miss the point that when you love someone, you're actually supposed to try to keep yourself on the BETTER side of the equation.

Just like you say 'For richer or poorer', but that doesn't mean its fine to just be unemployed and never earn any money.

A person who loves someone would want to bring their best to the relationship, not say 'You have to love me no matter what I do and like it'.

Vows are there to say that you will both bring your best to a relationship and work through any problems together. They are not there to excuse poor behaviour.

The vows are not 'For better or for worse, whichever one I can be bothered with at the time'.

They are talking about situations that are out of peoples control, and then together, working through them. Not what people deliberately bring on themselves, and that the other person is just stuck with it.

There will always be consequences:
Here is a simple fact of life: All actions lead to consequences.

And in a relationship (or marriage) that changes nothing, this rule still holds true.
: If you're abusive to your spouse, there will be consequences
: If you gamble or throw money away, there will be consequences
: If you are unreliable or untrustworthy, there will be consequences

And yes, if you do something to yourself or your appearance there will be consequences.

Whether the consequences are good or bad, there WILL be consequences all the same.

And this is something that those who harness politically correct guilt trips need to understand.

If you choose to put food, laziness, television, gambling, alcohol or anything else, above looking after an aspect of your relationship, then there WILL be consequences to those actions.

Some people just seem to feel that they can eat, drink, gamble, be lazy etc all they want and no matter what, there will be no consequence for this.

Their partner has to just shut up and accept it, or 'be happy that their spouse is happy'.

If not finding fat attractive is due too....

If not finding fat attractive is due too.....by A101 a member of the MFS Forum 

 Heres another thought that crossed my mind. Many fat militants say that the reason fat isn't considered attractive to many is due to 'media brainwashing'. 

But if finding people with huge amounts of fat unattractive is because of the media, then what about people with huge muscles? 

People with huge muscles are also found generally unattractive. The freakish, huge jacked up bodybuilders have a look that many don't at all find sexually appealing. 

We havn't been told not to like big muscles. The media hasn't told us to hate big, freak like muscles or find them unattractive. We look at them and find them unattrative because its not really what a human is supposed to look like. 
Just like huge overweight people, it is found unattractive because its OUT OF SHAPE, meaning out of the shape humans are supposed to be in. 

Its obvious that most people are going to find INSHAPE people more attractive because its the shape people are meant to be in, thats why its caled in shape. 

Too much muscle isn't 'inshape' so to speak, inshape is good muscle, good body fat, capable of anerobic and aerobic activity. 
Hughley muscular people are more 'mass monsters' then 'inshape'. 

The play with your kittens workout by A101

Hey everyone and welcome to the latest in hardcore workouts

Lets get down to buisness with the latest fitness regime:

The play with your kittens workout

You will need:

: Some kittens
: Some string
: A mini toy ball

Exercise 1: The string exercise for a real bicep blast

: Sit in a comfy chair (for those of you with extra will power you may slowly and with good form, turn the t.v on)
: Dangle the string above the kittens head
: Watch it jump up for the string
: Do for 10 reps for a real pump

Exercise 2: The ball chase

: Still in your comfy chair, roll a small toy ball across the floor
: Move yur eyes from left to right as you watch the kitten chase it
: Stand up using your quadriceps and walk the 3 feet to pick up the ball
: Walk the 3 feet back to your comfy chair
: Roll the ball again for 8 reps
: FEEL THE BURN

Exercise 3: The tummy stroke

: Sit in your comfy chair
: Pick up the kitten (if you have more then one kitten, pick up the lightest first to get a good warm up)
: Tickle the kittens tummy for 10 reps
: Check out the vascularity

Bonus exercise for the extra fit: Feeding time

Undo the can of kittie chunks
Keeping your back straight, deadlift the bowl onto the kitchen counter
Fill with kittie chunks
Deadlift the bowl back onto the floor (be careful as the bowl will now be heavier)

Congratulations, you have completed the 'Play with your kittens workout' WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Ok some can look at this and say 'SEEEE HATE SITE', but really its just that after seeing someone on one of those boards (as we spoke about in other posts) say 'I play with my kittens and still can't lose weight', and being deadly serious..........figure it out. The point i'm trying to make is that it seems with many FA blogs, no-one seems to have any idea what exercise actually is. Its as if the everyday things we do to keep ourselves busy have now changed in definition to become athletic feats. And not losing weight from doing something as basic as dusting seems to further prove in some of these bloggers minds that 'weight loss and getting in shape the healthy way is impossible or doesn't exist'.)

Does Losing Weight for Vanity Purposes Make You Bad? by A101

One of my issues with the fat movement is that they believe that wanting to get your body into a certain shape can only come from ‘hating yourself‘.

I have always found this statement ridiculous.

Its no different then saying ‘In order to want to improve/change/gain your education, you must first HATE your mind’.It is complete nonsense.

Why is it that in the fat movement eyes, the want to change things can only come from 'self hate'?

Here is a fact of life: We are NOT born at our full potential. Our potentials are there to be discovered, and the only way to discover them is to actively pursue them.

Other statements from the fat movement are ‘If you choose to lose weight, it means you think fat people are bad, that you think fat is not attractive, and therefore you hate fat people’.

And ‘People who lose weight due to looks, are simply giving in to societies idea of beauty’.

Again this is nonsense.

For one, saying that ‘wanting to lose weight simply means you are giving into societies idea of beauty’ is no different then saying ‘By revising for exams/improving your education, you are simply conforming to societies idea of intelligence’.

The other problem with the line: ‘People who lose weight due to looks, are simply giving in to societies idea of beauty’ is this:By stating this line it is basically implying that NOBODY in their right, honest, working mind, could actually well and truly want this for themselves.It is basically implying you can only either:
A) Truly NOT want it

Or

B) Be brainwashed into wanting it

In other words, nobody could ever make an informed decision that they could want this for themselves.

Now my question is: What is wrong with wanting your body to be athletic/well muscled/trim, with a healthy low body fat level?

I know that not everyone can be a ‘Baywatch babe/hunk’, and that not everyone would want that look (because there is NO look that EVERYONE finds attractive, only looks that are more popular then others), but it is equally untrue that nobody could possibly want to give their body a certain look, or achieve it as best as they can.

I 100% believe that nobody should be made too, or made to feel like they have too, look a certain way. But that does NOT mean that it is wrong if a person chooses for themselves that they want to have a trimmer body.

If we go back to this line: ‘If you choose to lose weight, it means you think fat people are bad, that you think fat is not attractive, and therefore you hate fat people’ the problems with this statement stick out like a sore thumb.

We ALL want different things for ourselves. We all strive for different things from education, from work, from life itself. And we also ALL strive for different things from our body.

It is also a fact of life that physical attraction exists and that it is perfectly human to feel this, whether you want to admit it or not.

And some people will want to gain a trimmer physique as this is what is (and throughout all time, whilst other looks have come and gone) found to be attractive by most.

A good analogy for the fat movements views on losing body fat is:Not everyone for example is born athletic. But there are people who are. Other people on the other hand are born with absolutely no athletic ability. But does it mean that they ‘hate themselves’ if they work hard to improve/gain athletic ability? Does it mean they ‘hate’ non-athletic people because they themselves are trying too become/working on becoming athletic?

Would it have been better if they just sat on the side lines and ‘accepted’ that they had no natural athletic ability, and therefore come to the (wrong) conclusion that they therefore could never possibly have any? And tell themselves that if they did try, the only way they could gain any athletic ability was to train for 12 hours a day until they were sick and collapsed?

Would that have been better?

Could there be no way that a person could actually want athletic ability? That the only way they could want it was if they were ‘brainwashed’?

That if a person wants athletic ability, its because they hate themselves and so are conforming to society because a lot of society likes sports?

If this were true, it would mean that nobody could ever play a sport because they themselves like it?

It is a fact that some people will like the look of an athletic body, and they will want to achieve one for themselves as best they can.

People, as I said, shouldn’t be made to feel they have to look a certain way, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t people who won’t want to work to try and achieve, to the best of their ability, a certain look.

In my opinion it shouldn’t be about stopping people who want to lose weight from losing weight, or encouraging people to do whatever it takes to be ‘thin’.

It should be about people deciding the look they like, whether they are happy as the are, or wanting to become trimmer/more muscular/more athletic or just lose a few extra pounds, and making sure they get there the HEALTHY way.

Yes losing weight should always be about health first, and you shouldn’t do things to your body that will damage it for the sake of physical appearance.

But another fact of life is this:Getting in shape, and being happy and healthy are NOT mutually exclusive.

And gaining the look you want, as best you can, does NOT mean sacrificing your health.

If what you are doing to look good is damaging your health, that means you are doing it WRONG.

Getting into shape is meant to make your life better!!

Getting into shape comes from:
: Sensible resistance training. Building the muscles in your body and strengthening them
: Sensible cardiovascular training, improving your bodies lung power, heart and circulatory systems
: Eating healthy foods throughout the day, not from starvation. To keep burning calories your body needs to gain muscle. Starving yourself causes your body to BURN muscle.It does not come from:

: Eating like a rabbit
: Training in the gym until your between life and death
: Expecting 10 years of weight gain to disappear in a matter of weeks

The term ‘95% of diets fail’ comes from FAD DIETS, which are temporary, require drastic drops in calories, and often don’t include exercise, or at least any exercise that will benefit your muscles or go to the other extreme with monumental workouts that wreck your body and don't geive the muscles adequate time (or nutrition) to recovery.

The term is NOT talking about programs incorporating exercise and healthy nutrition into your life, for life!

The way to gain weight back is to stop what you are doing and return to old habits, which is exactly what happens when people end a diet (as they are temporary, and virtually impossible to maintain for life).

THAT is why 95% of diets fail. NOT because there is NO way to maintain weightloss, but because ‘diets’ are temporary quick fixes that promise monumental weight losses from weight that took years to accumulate, and often encourage unhealthy means in order to get there.

This is also where the ‘dieting is dangerous’ phrase comes from.

Again it is not talking about sensible resistance and cardio training, with a healthy eating plan, but the fad diets.

But the fat movement makes out there’s is no difference. That EVERYTHING to do with losing weight is a trick to get you on a fad, starvation diet, that you can only be fat and happy or thin, hungry and miserable, and that anyway of losing weight is unhealthy because there is ‘no way to maintain weight loss’, which is again ignoring the aforementioned importance of gaining muscle, sensible resistance and cardio training, rest and recuperation and healthy food.

As far as I am concerned, weight loss for ‘vanity reasons’ is not bad, as people like different looks, be it with bodies, hair, make-up, clothing, etc, or different activates, different music, different shows, different beliefs and different lifestyles.

Some people think anything to do with looks is ‘sad’, and that’s fine if they believe that is right for their life. But that does not change the fact that physical attraction is a human need for most people (and a natural and normal one, not an ‘immature’ one).

People should NOT be forced to look a certain way, or be trimmer, but at the same time that does NOT mean that NO-ONE can make a decision that they like a certain look, and therefore want to achieve it, or as best as they can.

What should be focused on is that if someone wants to achieve a certain look, they should be going about it in a healthy way and setting small realistic goals for themselves.

A 350lb man saying ‘I want a six-pack’ is too much at the current point the is at. His goal should first be to change his lifestyle and exercise patterns to incorporate exercise and healthy nutrition, introduce them slowly, and build up his bodies response to this new stimulation, then work on maybe losing 5lbs of fat as his first goal, and go from there.

We all have potential, and we don’t know how far we can go.

If this 350lb man sticks with his programme, is realistic about his goals, and takes it one step at a time, and above all realises that his weight gain took a long time to accumulate, therefore it is unrealistic to assume it will come off in no time at all, but that it will make his rewards all the sweeter when his targets come into view, then who knows where he can go?

Until you go for it and really stick with it, you don’t know where your potential will take you.

We all have limits, but those limits and how far our potential can go are to be discovered.

The key to losing weight and keeping it off is taking it one step at a time and improving bit by bit. Don’t go around telling yourself what you can’t do, FIND OUT WHAT YOU CAN!!

So many have surprised themselves in all areas of life by surpassing what they believed they could.

Even Olympic athletes didn’t know they were going to get to that level. They worked hard, kept going and took the path to discovering their potential and it lead them to greatness.

At any point the could have said ‘I’ll never do it’ and stopped, and I have no doubt there were times when they wanted to quit, or others told them they couldn’t do it, but persevering is what separates them from those who give up.

Not everyone could be an Olympic athlete, but then again no-one knows if they can be until they try.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to achieve a certain body, it absolutely does not mean that you ‘hate’ those who don’t have it, or those who have the same type of body that you yourself are trying to change.

Just like as mentioned, wanting to improve your education doesn’t mean you hate people who are at the level of education you are trying to leave.

And working to earn money doesn’t mean you hate those who have the same amount of money that you have now.

We all like different things. Wanting a certain look does not equal ‘conforming to society’, any more then the education analogy I used earlier.

People should not be forced or pressured to look a certain way, but that doesn’t mean people should be forced or pressured to not make changes that they themselves choose to make, or labelled ‘sell outs’ because of it.

And this includes for physical attraction. Some people like certain looks and therefore want to achieve them.

Physical attraction plays a part in many relationships.

And when choosing to lose body fat you can do it for more than one reason. You can have a whole host. Its not a choice between lose body fat for yourself or lose body fat for your partner etc.

It can be for every and any reason. To make yourself fitter, stronger and healthier, to improve quality of sex lives, which therefore improves quality in other areas (needing sex is not immature, it’s a natural adult need), to achieve a look you like, to give you more energy to cope with children or stress easier etc.

Your reasons are your reasons.

Wanting to lose bodyfat/gain muscle for ‘vanity purposes’ is not wrong, it does not make you hateful of others, and it does not make you ‘brainwashed’.

Make your choices, just make sure you are healthy when you execute your choices and decisions, take it one step at a time, and remember to work to improve, but also enjoy what you have already achieved.

Find your potential, DO NOT tell yourself you have none! (or that there's nothing you can do


A101 wrote this for his blog Delving into the World of Pro-Fat