He let himself go!

I have been married for 7 1/2 years. When I first meet my husband he was in good physical shape and sexually appealing. He is 6'4. After we married he started to gain weight. He went from 230 to 255. He is 29 and I am 32. 

I have been blessed with a great metabolism, so working out has not been a priority; I am 5'1 105 lbs. I recently started working out for the health benefits and to stay in shape. I have tried to encourage my husband to do the same but he shows no desire to do this and our sex life has suffered for the past 6 years because of my lack of desire for his body. I have been 'gently' honest with him but I know that people do not loose weight until they are ready. I am starting to get very angry at the situation because I don't think that a man in his 20's should look like an overweight man. He carries it all in his stomach, even though he is tall, he has a large belly. 

I have tried not to be selfish but I am completely turned off. I have been dealing with this for over 6 years and for the past 2 years we have been having financial problems due to him starting his own business and I have recently taken a job that has required me to be away from home all week. 
  

All of these situations have built up and I feel so upset, disgusted and angry with him. I think intimacy is what our marriage needs but how can I get him to be sexually attractive without hurting his feelings? I'm tired of waiting for him to do it himself but my marriage is slipping away. I can deal with the poor finances, etc. but I really need him to be sexually attractive for me. I think people use marriage as an excuse to be lazy about their appearances. People should try to stay sexy and attractive all of their lives for the health benefits alone. His eating and body habits are pushing me farther away. Any advice on how to get someone motivated without damaging their feeling

posted by Margie  on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

25 More Motivations

1. To not be the f*ttest Mom at school.
2. I don’t want to think that everyone wonders why my healthy hubby is with a f*t woman.
3. I don’t want diabetes, GERD, incontinence, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, etc...
4. I want to tuck my shirts in my pants, not my belly.
5. To not get out of breathe during s*x.
6. To get ready for church without trying on 3 outfits that all make me look f*t.
7. To not waddle when I walk
8. To be able to bend over to pick up something, not squat
9. To not wake up with a back ache
10. For my hubby to be able to wrap his arms around me
11. To shave/wax bikini area without having to move things out of the way
12. I don’t want my tummy to flop when I run
13. I want to go br*less with pride
14. I want to share clothes with my daughter when she is a teen
15. I want to weigh less than my hubby
16. I don’t want to rely on food to ease my moods
17. I want the rest of my body (hair/skin/nails) to reflect how healthy I am
18. So my b**bs are not a chin rest
19. I want to post a picture of myself on Facebook, not just pictures of my kids
20. I want a cute belly button, where is that thing?
21. I want to be able to see my hip bones
22. I don’t want cellulite
23. I want a flat tummy
24. I don’t want family to be afraid to buy me clothes as gifts
25. I want a smooth back, with no ‘br* fat’

The pain of the addiction has to be greater than the pleasure before one is motivated to change

What Do People think of Us?

I was just sitting here reading old threads and marveling at how alike we all are- both the fit husbands and fit wives and I had an interesting thought.

I was reading an old post about the pain of living and watching what he describes and the "slow kill" and somebody responded with feeling like a fake in her relationship. That really struck me, and I wonder if any of you can relate to the following thoughts/feelings.

Just a quick refresher- I am 31, extremely fit and have been told I am very pretty. All that has ever mattered to me though is that my husband thinks I am pretty and it makes me happy that he indeed does, because I am happy to give that to him. As for him, he is 48 and has ballooned up to well over 350lbs. I don't know the exact number, he has stopped telling me but our scale maxes at 350 and I know he can't weigh himself anymore.

Anyway, my thought as I was sitting here was, GOOD LORD, WHAT ON EARTH ARE PEOPLE THINKING ABOUT ME WHEN THEY SEE THE TWO OF US OUT TOGETHER? I would like to say I don't care about what people think, but the truth is, I see the stares and I am convinced they look at him and think he must have money and I must be after it. Actually, I came into the relationship with more money than him, so that sure as hell isn't it. Truth is, I adore the man. I adore his personality, his intelligence, and kind heart and how alike we are mentally. That's what falling in love meant to me at the time. He was by no means a beefcake when we met and I never even wanted that. A few extra pounds is fine. 150 extra pounds is not.

Back to my subject- when I think that people (strangers, family, etc) are thinking these things, I also start to feel fake, weird, defensive, and worse of all, IS there something about my psyche that needs to be the more visually appealing? Is there a payoff in that? I really don't see it if there is and I want for his health and yes, his appearance as well, for him to get down to a healthy weight.

I guess I sort of rambled here but I bet many of you also feel those stares and thoughts from others who wonder what YOUR motivation is for being with your husband/wife. Does it all just boil down to simple embarrassment and shame?

Thanks for listening,

Julie

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She just doesn't do what it takes

I feel so relieved having found this support group, because that is basically what this is. Let me introduce myself. I am a 59 yr old recently retired civil servant, who used to work in Europe. I now live part-time in the Philippines and the rest of the time in Europe. I have been married for 5 yrs to a 34 yr old woman who used to be gorgeous, but has, since I met her, got ever fatter and fatter. It is not that she overeats or even eats all the wrong things. In her case it is probably hormonal (contraceptive pill, gave it up 2 yrs ago, but never recovered from it). What gets me in her case is her inablility or lack of willingness to work out properly to get rid of the fat. She is so damn economical with her energy. When I go to the gym I always do the maximum, she - if she goes - will do the minimum. And there are always excuses: she's got a cold, she got her menstruation, she's got a stiff neck, with complications, She is tired, whatever. And maybe some of these excuses are legitimate, but over the years I have grown tired of all the non-starters. There was the jogging she would do to fight the increasing bulge, there was the Billy Blanks bootcamp work-out which would bring salvation, there was the punch bag that she would happily use to build up muscles and stamina, there was the treadmill we bought at her behest, there was the disco dancing group that would transform her (and my) life, there were the fitness club memberships which did not bring the eagerly (by me) anticipated results, there is the personal fitness trainer who failed miserably where others failed too. And why? Because she just doesn't do what it takes, she lacks the follow-through, she just doesn't have the single-minded dogged determination that is essential to go from fat to fit. She will not put in the hard work. I am a little bit qualified to judge a case like this. Most of my life I have been overweight myself. Been there, done that. There isn't a diet I haven't tried. I have been mostly unsuccessful (but at least I really tried), until I came across the leptin diet, as advocated by Byron and Mary Richards in their book "Mastering Leptin". Following their five principles (in my case eating brown rice, fish, fruit and vegetables) in combination with some serious work at the gym 5 to 6 times a week, has made all the diference. My wife has always been a bit wishy-washy about any diet and exercise advice I give her. I suppose she is fed up with the whole thing too. Unfortunatedly she will not stick doggedly to a routine. She now weighs in at around 170 pounds (at 5' 4"), which is just an estimate, coz I can't get her to weigh herself. She is sick of it herself. It destroys, or at least puts a heavy damper on our sex life, as you can well imagine. She keeps asking me if I love her, a sure sign of insecurity: the fatter they become, the more emotionally needy they are. Certainly, I care for her, but where I never used to fantasize about other women, I now do. She has lost so much of her sex-appeal. I mean she looks like a small sumo wrestler! Anyway, it was nice to get this of my chest and share these experiences with other people who are in a similar situation. I hope that my positive experience with the leptin diet can be of help to others. The great thing about that way of life - coz it is not really a diet - is that you lose all your urges to snack and binge. I never eat between meals anymore. I never touch anything but proper food. I just don't feel the need to eat junk anymore, no willpower involved, and by the way I do not need any alcohol anymore either. Good luck!
Posted by "Fitthen" on the My Fat Spouse Forum