Epiphany

I have been struggling with my wife's obesity and gluttony for so long that I often find myself resorting to wishful thinking to cope.   Sometimes, though, I am filled with despair and, though I am loath to admit it, disgust, to see her letting herself go with no regard for either my feelings or even her own health and appearance.  She was such a pretty woman at one time!  Now there are days she doesn't leave her room except to go into the kitchen and she weighs well over 400 lbs.  Not to make excuses, but I sometimes think that my daily exposure to her wantonness has coarsened me as well.  Out of respect for her privacy, though, I avoided telling anyone.  But now I must come clean, albeit with strangers.  Perhaps that is a step in the right direction?  It has taken me years to find the courage to face up to this extremely unpleasant truth.  I would always deceive myself with the latest clinical euphemism: 'emotional eater', 'obsessive compulsive disorder', 'food addiction', etc..  It never occurred to me that my wife was simply a glutton, no more, no less.  (Her mother recently revealed that she used to sneak food into her bedroom as a teenager.)  Such biblical language seemed too harsh and judgmental and; after all, she was my wife and it was inconsistent with my notion of femininity.  But it worked for people for centuries and now I am forced to acknowledge that their view fits the reality of my situation.  Taking a good long look at her binging late one night recently, brought me to my epiphany, though it sickened me as well.  It seems that I myself had to be viscerally effected before I could see that side of her that she had so long hidden from me.   I am not the kind of man who buries his head in the sand when problems occur.  Obviously I have been aware of her overeating for a long time.  I watched the scale numbers climb and was often pained to see how much she was spending on food and clothing.  And, yes, there have been arguments over it.  But I have been for the most part the most sympathetic of spouses, bottling up my own feelings and fears.  For some reason, though, until I saw her sitting there, so obviously out of control, I didn't realize the depths of her depravity.  What finally got to me, I think, was the fact she was in such a hurry to begin feasting that she didn't even  think to put her bathrobe on after getting out of bed.  And when I offered to get it she said 'No, just go back to sleep'.  Well I'm not going back to sleep.  Now that I know what she really is, I intend to present her with an ultimatum: lose the weight or lose me.   

Posted by "Roy" on the My Fat Spouse Forum

A Loss of Lustre

I was married in April 2001 when I was 27 years old.  I'm 6"1' and at that time I weighed around 210 pounds.  By that time, we had been living together one year, and I had put on 15-20 pounds of "happy fat".  So I had become overweight living with her that first year, and she was putting on weight as well.

I was idealistic at 27, I married for love.  I believed in the "it's what's inside that counts" mantra.  I would have felt shallow to have turned her away just because she was overweight.  I told myself that could be changed, and in any case, that would be a healthy change for her, so I didn't feel "bad" wanting that change.  (Unlike some guy who might say that he wouldn't marry a certain gal  unless she enlarged her breasts; that would not be considered a "healthy change".)

In May 2002, my weight had ballooned to 230 lbs as did hers.  She was 5"3' and weighed 230 lbs, I was 6"1' and weighed 230 lbs.  I was overweight, she was morbidly obese.  I picked up the phone and made an appointment for both of us at Dr. Bernstein's (local popular bariatric clinic).  By the end of that summer, we both had lost around 60 pounds.  I was back at my healthy range (175-185), she was only slightly overweight, and I could see a feminine figure starting to emerge from my wife.  I thought I was going to get what I wanted.  Wrong.  For some reason, one day she just gave up, because her best friend now weighed less than her.  (Her best friend was also overweight, and started losing weight on the same diet towards the end of that same summer.)  I asked my wife repeatedly what difference it made that her best friend weighed less than her, what impact does that have on her weight loss.  I never got an answer to that question, despite repeatedly asking.  So I stopped asking the question.

The next 6 years were basically spent on her gaining and losing weight over and over again in an uptrending pattern.  Gain 10 pounds, lose 5.  Gane 15 pounds, lose 7.  Gain 25 pounds, lose 10, etc.  By January 2009, she was back up at 230 lbs, and I was up again at 210 lbs.  So we restarted that diet that worked for us back in 2002.  I got back down to 185 lbs and she got back down to 185 lbs too.  Still overweight, but better.  But by the end of March, she was going insane, she was erupting into fits of rage and crying and depression and sugar was the only "drug" that stabilized her mood.  So we ended the diet and that was the last successful diet attempt to this day.

She has tried to lose weight on and off, but the trend is always upwards as far as her weight goes.  I think one of her major problems is that sugar is like a drug to her.  She drinks Coke and she gets all giddy, just like as if someone had been drinking alcohol.  Sugar is her drug of choice.  She uses it to deal with stress, self-created and otherwise.  Sugar is so damn easy to get your hands on, it's difficult for me to manage that kind of addiciton, especially since sugar is not regarded as a "drug" in the way that alcohol, nicotine, narcotics, marijuana, heroin, etc are.  I call an addiciton clinic and say "my wife is addicted to sugar" and "sugar is a drug" and I get laughed at; I'm told to call them back when there's a "real addiciton" on hand.

In our marriage, there are no kids, just one cute little 5-year-old bichon/poodle mix dog.  But there's another complication.  Last year, 14th of December 2010 to be exact, my wife was struck as a pedestrian at her place of work by a distracted driver (who also works for the same company).  The end result is that my wife cannot sit down for more than 2 hours without getting back pain.  She has been prescribed Oxycodone and Oxycontin (narcotics) for pain management.  But I am not worried about "Oxy Addiction" that afflicts so many people to whom those narcotics are prescribed.  I catch her more often than not guzzling Coke behind my back instead of taking the pills.  So to her, sugar is a better drug than narcotics derived from opium.  How do you beat that?   She has been on Long Term disability since the accident, and I have no idea of the prognosis on her condition.  Will the pain ever go away?  I don't know.  Will she be able to work again?  I don't know.  One thing I do know is that it's never my fault, but it's always my problem.  If the insurance company won't extend her Long Term Disability beyond December 2012, if she doesn't go back to work, and if the legal claims don't yield the money to compensate for pain and suffering and loss of competitive advantage, I am on the hook for supporting her if I decide to divorce her.  Not my fault but it's always my problem.  Life sucks for me that way.

I am now 37 years old, and realizing very much that my life didn't work out as planned, and I look ahead to the next 30-40 years and say to myself, "I need something else to get me through this, I can't live like this for another 30-40 years."  I'm still 6"1' and weight 195 lbs (the "office gut" and the "office butt" I suppose) .  I could stand to lose about 10 pounds, but my height makes me look thin.  I could get myself back to my ideal weight (185 lbs) and get fit in no time.  All I need is a minor tune-up, but she needs a major overhaul.  Ironically, I weigh less now than I did when I got married.  I have been told by other women, as well as my wife, that I am a handsome man, that I'm cute, so I believe that I could find a woman that I would be sexually attracted to.  I'm also more confident now than when I was in my early twenties, so I'm sure I can attract an attractive woman.

As things stand, I find that life has lost its lustre.  But I feel that I would be a lot happier if I got the privilege of coming home to a sexy woman every night.  That would help me get me through the tedium of life.  I see so many men mistreat beautiful women, and I say to myself, "dude, do you know the gift that you have been given?"  But that is another topic of discussion.

Read more on:

Please Define Fat

 I'm new here and trying to gauge what is acceptable behaviour as a partner.  I'm confused as to what is acceptable weight gain over periods of stress and life change.  I am currently a student and have experienced considerable stress over the last 4 years, and have not been happy with my weight over this time.  I have found it nearly impossible to regularly exercise and manage school.

I am 5ft 4 and have weighed between 135 and 145 pounds most of my adult life.  I had with my partner for 9 years when we ended it.  The first five, excluding about 8 months, I was active and fit.  The summer before we broke up I probably was at my heaviest at maybe 147.  I have always identified as athletic and have demonstrated this over the course of our relationship, at times being very fit and active (running, cycling, team sports, spinning classes, gym attendance, etc), and at others, less so.  He said he was afraid I was an emotional eater and wouldn't state it, but I'm pretty sure he was afraid I would get fat if we married.  We would joke about my hatred of the word "savour" as he would make one piece of chocolate last 20 minutes.  It was a little 'holier than thou' and would make me feel sensitive around eating treats around him.

His mother struggled a lot with her weight and he was impacted by its affect on her.  I have been vegetarian for 10+ years and prefer healthy meals.  I did much of the cooking, often choosing meals to please him, rather than simpler meals involving foods like kale that he did not like.  He could eat anything and gain nothing.  Sweets stick to me, and the summer before we broke up, I was spending way too much time hovering over the Nutella jar.

I have never been a "skinny" girl.  I'm curvy and more of an athletic build.  Some guys like this, some guys don't.  He never told me that my body was unattractive to him, but he didn't tell me it was attractive either.  During our break-up conversation he told me that the fitness of my arms affected his desire, as in his ability to be attracted to me was directly related to the tone of my arms.  I accused him of thinking I was fat and he didn't deny it.  The women he is interested in dating, as evidenced by who he 'friends' on facebook, are all women with very skinny arms and legs -- a body-type which is unattainable to me.  In tears, I told him that I was afraid of losing my youthful beauty (I've recently come to that point in my young female life that pretty faces don't last forever) and he told me, to supposedly cheer me up, that I could always go to the gym.  

I am now at the lower end of my weight spectrum, at 136.  I am *really hurt* by the thought that if I gain 10 pounds I am sexually repulsive.  Arguably, while my weight change is narrow, the muscle tone has varied greatly.  Is eating a whole box of cookies once in a while really such a big deal?  Is emotional eating really such a big deal?  Just because I make myself feel better with a cookie, and a guy does it with beer and some chicken wings, am I somehow less disciplined and assumed to balloon when I get married?  

I know now that cooking to please your man, even when they are vegetarian meals, is dangerous.  I want my partner to think I'm beautiful well into old age.  There is so much anxiety as a woman around beauty and weight and aging.  You end up feeling crappy about yourself, which does not help with motivation for exercise.  I don't really feel like I can win.

Posted by  curious123 on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Being Fat Isn't Pretty

by Namaste

I’ve touched on this topic as it pertains to my weight loss before, but people have known me as a fat girl since probably 1996. I’m 26 now and that was 13 years ago, so I’ve been fat roughly half my life. I am completely qualified to talk about all things related to fat people, as I’m a highly credible source of fat facts of life. Yet some of my (always the thin who are thin without *trying* mind-you) friends feel the need to tell me that I shouldn’t worry about my weight *at all.* Sure, they’re willing to tell me how good I look by comparison to my biggest size, because I’m actually at the weight I was in my freshman year of high school. I’ve been much fatter, and so by comparison I look “thin” in their eyes. BUT, I’m still fat. And the fat I have, by the very nature of how it’s distributed on my body, is very annoying for me to deal with.

By “deal with” I’m talking about the unpleasantness associated with having fat in certain areas of your body, and how it effects your ability to live a normal life. I only have some 30-ish pounds of fat left to lose before I’m comfortable with the amount of space my posterior takes up in relation to other objects. Believe me, it’s a huge relief to have 50 lbs. of that excess gone. But 30 lbs. excess is still physically uncomfortable to lug around, especially on someone as short as I am. I’m only 5 feet tall, so I’m still rather round, especially since almost all my extra fat is on my abdomen, back, and arms now. Top-heavy hurts, especially if you have scoliosis as I do. It’s very slight scoliosis, I don’t have to wear any crazy back braces at all times (although I do use a lumbar support band when I need to lift heavy things and I have inserts for my shoes to keep me in alignment), but even 10 lbs. too much fat in the wrong place on your body, pulling down at your back, really HURTS.


I think people assume I want to lose those last 30 lbs. for vanity alone. But this is not the case. There are some grosser reasons I want the fat gone. People who’ve never had a weight problem don’t really understand how difficult it can be to live a normal, low-maintainence life as a fat person. I usually wear clothes that are flattering enough to hide the fat rolls and just kind of flow over them. I will wear a waist sincher or bodysuit if I’m really dressed up so my clothes look as good as possible, so people don’t always see the fat ROLLS and creases. They are much smaller now, some of them have dissapeared, but at 30 lbs. overweight I still have enough of them to cause me discomfort. The sweat in the summertime is gross. I feel like I have to bathe more frequently and I use baby powder to ease the discomfort of the sweating. The area between the thighs is another bone of contention for fat people. The way my fat distributes it causes a pouch of belly fat right over my “area,” which can cause uncomfortable chafing. I use baby powder to ease this, but really that’s pretty inconvenient, and I’d rather just skip that. That’s why being a normal size for my height would be such a huge relief in the way I live my life. It’s NOT just about VANITY.

But so what if some of it IS about vanity? The aesthetic I prefer is that of a lean physique when I’m talking pure, physical attraction. I am put off a little physically by overweight and obese men – and as a fat girl I would be almost expected to date a fat man. Therefore I feel I’d be a total hypocrite if I expected to have a man match that physique if I couldn’t also maintain such a physique. But the looks aspect isn’t all it is to me and my primary motivation is my health. Looking better is a part of it, but it’s not the whole thing. But dammit, if I feel good about looking better, I feel like I’ve earned that right. I feel like celebrating with a new, sexy or flirty outfit that fits my smaller body and being proud is not something I should feel shallow about doing.

But I digress…my entire point I think is that I have a few friends who have always been thin without actually working out or eating right/watching portions. Some of them eat like shit, actually, but they have that freakish metabolism that I’ve never had. Sometimes I think those friends of mine take their uber-metabolisms for granted, not really realizing that a person in my position really *is not* able to eat like that and have the physique I want (lean and muscular). I had to choose being healthy, happy, and leaner over the decadent foods in big portions. Also I don’t think those people really get how pathological and disordered my overeating was. I was good at projecting the “funny fat girl” image when really I was very depressed and fucked up inside. Essentially I was sick. But I guess some people did see me as “fat and happy.” Maybe that’s why it’s weird to them when I turn down certain foods offered to me these days, or just take a tiny bite of something decadent instead of eating the whole thing, or turn down going out drinking because I want to get up early and work out the next day. The only reason I get kind of miffled is that I get comments like, “you look fine NOW, don’t lose any more weight!” or “what you look like shouldn’t matter,” when it’s NOT ALL ABOUT MY LOOKS. IT’S ALSO ABOUT HOW I FEEL. I also have people tell me I’m not fat. I wonder if these people must think I’m stupid or blind. I’m not AS fat, but I’m still FAT. And I hate being fat. Why wouldn’t people be more happy for me? Ugh. I’ve also had a couple of people tell me that I was “being too hard on myself” for wanting to lose more weight than I already have. WTF? So does that mean I should never try too hard for anything and live an existence I feel is mediocre, just because a goal isn’t easy to obtain? Those same people would never say, “you shouldn’t try to get the best grades you can in school,” or “you shouldn’t try to get that promotion at work,” but they will say, “you shouldn’t get all the way down to a healthy weight that you’d feel really comfortable at – the bare minimum is fine!”

Namaste is a long time member and contributer to the famous My Fat Spouse Forum. If you've been looking through or lurking around this site at all you've probably figured out that Auntie Matilda does very little in the way of typing. Namaste still checks in from time to time. The last I heard she was down below a hundred and forty pounds.That puts her among the ranks of the millions among us who have defied the odds and become former fatties. This article has been reprinted from her Amy Loses and Wins blog. Namaste calls them as she sees them. She hasn't been posting for some time, but her older entries are well worth a read through. My Fat Spouse has only been a "blog" for a couple weeks now. In the coming days, weeks and months I hope to bring you a wide variety of material from a diverse selection of dieters and dreamers, husbands and wives who have found themselves asking questions about the role obesity plays in their lives and the lives of those they love.