Skinny Guy Spouts Off

     

     I      found this website and forum while working today and immediately I started to reflect on my own relationship and how I have been pushing all of this anger, disappointment and disgust down deep inside for close to 5 years now. What follows is an extremely long explanation, please forgive. Allow me to explain: Hopefully, my user name is evidence enough that I'm the skinny one in this relationship, my wife on the other hand, is the opposite. I met her online about 5 years ago on Yahoo Personals and we clicked together instantly because we shared so many interests and had the same self-destructive tendencies (some which I have given up thankfully). My wife has been on the heavy side since I've known her, I believe she was 220 pounds when we first met... and she claims to have always been heavy. Five years later and she is almost 280 pounds now. She is conscious of this and hates it, she complains on a nearly daily basis and usually suggests that I leave her and let her die alone, which she typically retracts instantly. I should probably also state that she had a horrible childhood instance which has pretty much traumatized her and she remains so to this day despite 15 years of counseling. She has nightmares every night and sleeps very loudly. I thought I could look past that but in the end, I have realized that this has in large part, contributed to her overweight condition. My wife also has these bad habits: She is an alcoholic, she smokes a pack of cigarettes a day (and has for 14 years, starting at age 11), she smokes marijuana, and she likes to sneak high-sugary foods when she thinks I'm not aware. She sometimes makes an attempt and tries to eat in a relatively healthy way, in that she doesn't snack if I am near her and will often have a homeade fruit smoothie as part of a meal (she sometimes ruins it by eating something fatty or loaded with carbs with it). She is terrified of having a sexual relationship (which did not really manifest itself until 3 years into our relationship) but is obsessed with finding a female sex partner and constantly apologizes for not 'satisfying' me (this is another, but entirely different problem that I won't get into here) I have been very tolerant of her behavior, which was a major mistake I realize now. I use to participate in her ritual of coming home from work and watching television and smoking until she was too tired to stay awake, but I am making a point to not watch television with her this week and have stopped smoking for nearly a year now (a bad bad habit). I do not exercise myself very much, even though I am diabetic and have been for 10 years. I became diabetic as a result from a medical related incident and not due to poor diet, although I am frankly shocked my wife has not become diabetic, given her choice in high carbohydrate and high sugar meals. I love to spend time at the park but my wife hates it, she can't stand being outside for any reason other than walking to the car or, if I'm lucky, out gardening if the weather is very nice. Again, though, she is aware of her condition and often apologizes but never makes an attempt to do anything about it, even if i suggest we go for a walk, she won't because she is afraid of missing something on T.V. or is just too tired. She is so out of shape that she sweats profusely when toweling off from the shower, and is out of breath by the time she is finished dressing for the day. I don't know how to approach this anymore... I find myself lusting after women, even relatively heavy women, as long as they look thinner than she does. A lot of my close personal friends happen to be women and I feel disgusted with myself for wanting to go beyond friendship and sleep around with them. So, I don't know if I'm asking for help or just need some support, but anyway... I'm glad I found this site. Sorry this post was so long.

     Read more on the the My Fat Spouse Forum

Right, this will be a long serious rant...

    

What do you do with a fat, lazy, useless wife? 

Background.

I've been married to Mrs OH for 18 years. Eleven years ago, she announced she was up the duff, and to cut a long story short, we are now landed with four children, three of whom were born in a year (don't ask).

I was a caring, nuturing father. I insisted that my wife did nothing but look after four babies so that I could sleep at least, whilst working 18 hours a day to pay for this all.

The children have now grown and can pretty much stand on their own two feet (11,8,8,8), yet NOTHING has changed.

She doesn't work, spends a bastard fortune in Next, doesn't know what a hoover, cooker, iron, broom or a bottle of toilet bleach is. A result of all of this inactivity has meant that she has inflated to the size of a sperm whale and the Post Office have issued her arse with it's own postcode. I tried withdrawing my "husbandly duties" but this resulted in huge bills from Ann Summers for diesel powered joy sticks (happily paid mind, I have never had a penchent for humping infaltable rubber dinghies).

How do I get this useless bulk do actually DO anything? Her impersonation of getting the shopping in is to drive a brand new gas guzzling MPV (paid for by me) to the furthest Tescos she can find to buy a pint of milk, a loaf of bread, a gross of Galaxy bars and twelve copies of Best magazine. Every day.

I shop, cook, clean, iron and hoover AND CLEAN TOILETS. As well as drive 200 miles a day to work and back, spend at least ten hours a day in the office to finance all this crap. And I have to drive on the M25, which MUST count for something in Gods Great Plan.

I'd divorce the cow, but I'll end up living in Student accomodation with bugger all whilst she strips my pay packet of anything worth having, raises my kids in a huge house (paid for by me) so filthy and dishevelled that Palestinians would turn their noses up at it and die a bitter and twisted old fart.

So gentlemen, thinking caps on. I need to sort this before I spend 20 years of my life at her majestys pleasure for stabbing a whale.
p

posted by Highball on the My Fat Spouse Forum

He left because I was fat

I just found this site and I am very impressed. If I had read some of these posts previously my husband would probably still be at home. He left me 7 years ago and had a affair. I am not really sure it ever ended even though he did move back home about 8mths after he left. He had told me then he was not attracted to me sexually anymore because of my weight but he did still love me. I lost about 65lbs during this time. Even when he came home he was depressed and unhappy. I don't know if it was because he had broke it off with his lover or he was unable to accept what had happened. Things have never been right with us since. He is emotionally unavailable to me. We haven't had sex in almost a year. We did try a couple of months ago and he could not get a erection. Since then things have gone from bad to worse. he has been moved out for a mth and is living with his son. He says there is not another woman now. He says he wants to be able to come home and start over, he is just not ready yet. He is trying to get his feelings back. He will not take my calls or come and see me. I of course did gain the weight back when he came home before because of all of the emotional issues. I now know that I was using food to make myself feel better and feel happy. I have lost almost 20lbs since he has been gone this last month and I am determined to get healthy the right way with a good diet and exercise. I am a 52yr old woman who everyone thinks I look 35. I do take very good care of myself (except for needing to loose about 70lbs)I hope it is not too late to show my husband I have changed and I finally get it. I would love for us to be able to not throw 28 years of marriage and all of this pain away for nothing. I hope to find alot of useful information on this site to make my journey easier.

Confessions of a Fat Spouse: How I happened

I read on the forum for this site that many fit spouses who are married to those that have become morbidly obese are, in addition to being angry and saddened by this, simply perplexed as to *how* it could happen. How can someone that used to be fit, or relatively so, let themselves go to the point that they are now a blob of soft, expansive flesh that is barely recognizable as the person they were before? I of course cannot address how every person who is obese makes this transition, but I can tell my story in hopes that it will possibly give some insights as to how the process might occur with other fat spouses.

I started out life on the heavy of normal according to most height/weight charts. During high school I weighed around 140 pounds, standing at 5'4. Looking back now I know that this wasn't horrible, but at the time I felt like I was huge. I was teased from time to time about my weight. I could see rolls of fat on my belly when I sat down. I would try various diets, do okay on them for a week or so, then have a voracity driven binge that would end the attempt. At a fairly young age I accepted that I was fat, and there wasn't much that I could do about it.

After I got out of high school and went about my life, my weight was fairly stable. I got married, I went to work, I went to college. I wasn't being teased about my weight like when I was the public education system. Happily married, with lots of friends, I was able to bury deep the sting of remarks about my size.

During this time, I didn't know how to drive. I had wanted to learn as a teen agar, of course, but my father was always much too busy to sit with me in the car when I had my learners permit, and I was too nervous to ask fellow classmates for help. Plus, I didn't really need to drive. I lived in a large city in California. There was a good public transit system, and also I could ride my ten-speed year round to most of the places I had to go. This held true after I got married as well. My husband and I were fairly poor, and getting a car wasn't a high fiscal priority.

All that changed when I took a job that was a two hour bus ride away, but only 30 minutes by car. I decided it was worth the effort to get my license and buy a car. I didn't really think about it at the time, but it was shortly after that I put my bicycle away, for good. I no longer spent a couple hours a day or more riding about town, I just hopped in the car and went. It saved time, of course, but I didn't change the way I was eating. I started putting on weight.

It took a while for this to really register with me. After all, as far as I was concerned, I was always fat. There were moments of clarity that I was getting bigger than I ever had been before; my clothes started getting much tighter. I had to buy new ones anyway because I now had an office job and had to look professional. It was surprisingly easy to ditch the old ones and get newer, larger sized without confronting myself on the fact that I was sliding downhill fast.

By the time I was in my mid thirties, I estimate I was around 240. I'm not sure because I never, ever weighed myself, and I was pretty good at avoiding having my picture taken as well. I do know that when I finally decided to take control of my body again at the age of 40, I weighed in at 258. Given that I'm fairly short, this meant I was class 3 morbidly obese, and overweight by approximately 120 pounds, with a BMI of 44.3. I was a very, very fat spouse.

All this is very good and well, but it raises the obvious question: what the hell was going on in my head that I let myself get like that? I believe it was a combination of things.

I already believed that I was fat. I believed that there was nothing I could do about it. After all, every time I had tried I had failed, and ended up getting fatter than before. I looked at the fact that my father is also obese, had never lost a pound for good either, and decided the cards were simply stacked against me.

I also was pretty deep in denial about how fat I actually was. As I said, I never really weighed myself. When I was forced to confront the facts when I ended up having to shop for 3X clothes, I felt on some level that there was some sort of mistake, that the salesperson would steer me away from the plus size section over to the normal side. I would look at other fat women, and say things to myself like "She's way fatter than me!" as if this somehow made a difference in my situation.

Then there was the issue that I simply liked my lifestyle. I liked eating fast food. I love chocolate and fried chicken and potato chips. I never really like exercising just for its own sake. I liked spending my free time surfing the Internet or playing computer games. I like watching TV. I didn't consider myself to be exceptionally lazy; I just didn't like doing activities that got me moving around instead of sitting around.

I was also becoming increasingly depressed about my weight. Denial can only go so far, and hopelessness was taking its toll. I absolutely hated being fat. I hated how I felt, how I looked. I hated that I no longer turned any man's head when I walked by. I hated that my husband seemed increasingly reluctant to touch my body. I was deeply ashamed of myself. Reaching for a bag of fatty or sugary empty calories was a way to make myself feel better, if only for the time I was shoving the useless calories down my throat.

None of this excuses the fact that I got very, very fat. I believe that the reality is that being very fat is at its heart a lifestyle choice. I'm just relating how, for a significant part of my life, this seemed like a reasonable and unavoidable choice to me. I'm Tealeaf, and I approve of this message.

"Tealeaf" posted this on the My Fat Spouse Forum

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I finally laid all the cards on the table with my wife

I wanted you to know that I did it – I finally laid all the cards on the table with my wife. It was a hard conversation to have, but it was also well worth it. I’m happy to report that she’s willing to lose weight to help get our relationship back on track. I did exactly what I promised myself that I’d do – I tried to be as nice as I could while making it perfectly clear that I wasn’t going to survive this marriage if things didn’t change. We’ve been together long enough for her to know that I wasn’t just “crying wolf.” I was sick to my stomach having this conversation, and I think she knew that. The clearest message that I gave her was that it was mandatory for me to be attracted to the person I married. Maybe it’s not for everyone in the world, but it is for me. Even more importantly, I’ve learned that my actions toward her are based on the anger I’ve been experiencing. For example, I know she has a few mandatory needs as well, such as affection, warmth, etc. But I’ve been withholding those things from her as my way of punishing her or “getting even” since my mindset was that she’s been doing this to me deliberately. I think that means whether some of this was subconscious or not, we’ve been both been disrespectful toward one another to a degree. The dynamic has been something like, “Fine, you won’t do this for me, then I won’t do that for you.” It’s totally unproductive and stupid, and I’ve known that all along, but I couldn’t help myself since I never saw any improvements on her end (and vice versa). With that in mind, I was sure to tell her that we can take this type of dynamic and make it work for us rather than against us. In other words, if you lose weight and give me the things that I want, I’ll give you the affection and warmth and anything else you want too. For me, all of those things will very easily fall into place if I’m attracted to her. So everybody wins.

I learned a few things from her during this conversation as well, and I’d like to share them here. I’ve been so caught up in my own head about how I feel that I’ve rarely explored it from her side. A lot of that was also due to the hostility, but also because I was making a lot of assumptions about her strictly because we stopped communicating about this subject a long time ago. Here they are:

1) She told me that food is not more important than me. It might appear that way from where I stand, but she said it’s untrue. 
2) She doesn’t enjoy overeating as much as I thought she did. Her exact words were, “It’s not very fun for me if that makes you feel any better.” Deep down I knew that, but day-to-day, on the surface, I chose to believe that she was enjoying the hell out of it since she never stopped doing it.
3) She enjoyed being thin, having muscles, being strong, and being able to shop in any store she wanted for cute clothes. She enjoyed the compliments from everyone, most especially from me. 
4) Here’s the most important thing she said about overeating: she’s doing it most of the time because she’s sad. She’s trying to fill a hole with food when what she really wants is my attention. The irony here is that I succeeded in my attempts to punish her by not providing any attention. She felt punished, alright, but the reality is that her reaction to my punishments was not what I hoped. Instead, I just gave her more incentive to keep it up and make things worse. 
5) She did admit that a smaller part of it is that it’s easier to just maintain a status quo attitude because we’re so busy with little kids and two jobs. But it sounded to me that this was a much lesser cause of the problem. She totally understands that attitude is everything. After all, she used to be thin, so she knows what it takes. She even said that when she was thin before that it was actually somewhat “easy” because her mind was made up to be that way.

I promised that I would hold up my end of the bargain as long as she held up hers. This means that even right now, despite the weight, I need to show her affection and look past it. We’re probably looking at a minimum of 90 days before any real improvements are seen, and a good 3 or 4 months after that before she’s actually looking like a new person. And fair is fair – I’m willing to do anything and provide any incentive. She’s already more attractive to me simply because she’s willing to make the effort. We’ve already discussed several fun ideas for us to do each week once the kids are in bed. We haven’t been a “couple” for SO long, and for the first time in years, I’m actually excited about spending alone time with her. Even just small things like reading a book together (books are her favorite thing in the world) and discussing it. I’m not a fan of literature for the most part and she knows that, so that’s my way of proving that I’m more than willing to do whatever it takes. It’s stuff like this that’s going to fill the void she’s experiencing.

She said that she would never think that I wasn’t worth it, but understood that I was prepared for the worst and willing to follow through had she not felt that way. Here’s something else interesting that may be helpful: all of my attempts to punish her with my moody behavior, etc. – she didn’t make the connection that this was all being done because of her weight. She thought it was for various other reasons like work, or just because I’m in a bad mood a lot of the time. I don’t think she would lie to me about this. Now that she knows that my lack of affection and moodiness toward her are a direct result of her weight, it’s even more incentive for her to turn this around because she knows why I’m doing it. And she knows that if she wants those things from me, there’s a way to get them. 

I told her that there’s so little I’d change about her, but this one thing is unfortunately a deal breaker for me because it’s ruining everything else. She finally understands that this is not just a minor annoyance for me. I said something like, “I’m not trying to control you. You’re free to do whatever you want – just know that one of those choices will cost you this relationship.” She said she would never have told me that I wasn’t worth it, and I believe her. She’s looking into several options for getting back into shape – she even brought home an exercise DVD last night. I told her it was up to her how she wants to do this. She knows what it takes, so she doesn’t need me telling her how to approach it. This also includes me not monitoring her food intake, or giving her disapproving looks if she chooses to eat a certain meal or snack. I trust her to know that she knows what to do, and for all I know, maybe she chose a candy bar instead of eating dinner that night or whatever. Sure, not the healthiest thing a person could do, but the point is that she needs to do this however it works best for HER. I feel so much better (already!) and for the first time in years (YEARS!!) I’m not sitting here angry wanting to beat my head against the wall. I’m really excited about being back in a real relationship with no disconnects. And a relationship that exists outside of our children, no less! It really makes me feel that communication is the key more than any other factor. Of all the posts I’ve read on this site and others, the biggest problem seems to be that there needs to be a major reality check. And I mean major – not nagging, not gentle reminders, not even simple talking – it needs to be do or die, essentially. Easier said than done, believe me. I lingered in this limbo area for a long time, and now I know why – I was afraid I wasn’t going to get the answer I wanted. Many of us, whether the problem is an overweight spouse, or an alcoholic, or someone suffering from depression, etc. feel it’s easier to coast along rather than take the biggest risk of all, and that’s be true to your feelings and lay your cards on the table. One final note: I can’t stress enough how crucial it is for you to determine how destructive you think overeating and having a fat spouse is in your relationship. Like I said, it took me a while to honestly know that it was too much for me to bear. It was only then that I felt prepared for the worst if she decided that I was asking too much of her. All I’m saying is that if you know deep down you can’t live with it, then you need to get this over with one way or another. It’s either meant to be or it’s not, but either way, you’ll have your answer. 

I also want to thank everyone I’ve shared thoughts and ideas with because every little bit helped me to get to this point. I plan to share my wife’s progress (and my own emotional progress!) with you as things move forward. It would be great to be a success story, and I hope we will be.

Mike

Mike posted this of the My Fat Spouse Forum

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I love her spirit, not her body

To the creators of this site - you have my eternal thanks. I was a lurker for several months before joining, and my motivation was the desire to have a place to come to share my frustration about the woman whose spirit I love, whose body I don't.

A little background. When we met, I was 5'9" about 180 lbs. I worked out about 4 times a week (not little sissy workouts either) for about an hour. My wife was 5'5" about 145 lbs., very Sisterly figure as we used to say around the way, and she used to work out too. To be honest, since then I've balooned up to 220lbs, and she's now in the 200 lbs neighborhood. Difference between me and her is that I still feel confident. When I go out with my boys (which is maybe once every 2 months) I get my fair share of attention from women. But I'm married, so that's a no no.

She feels horrible about her weight, and I've tried everything. We've got about $1K of unused exercise equipment in our basement, she's joined Jenny Craig and Weight Watcher and hasn't followed through on either of their plans. It frustrates me because we're spending money on things she's not using to address her weight problem.

And her weight drives her depression and bad eating habits. And her depression reinforces her weight issues. And it;'s no fun living in the eye of that cyclone.

And damn do we argue alot. Makeup sex is good, but otherwise I'm not really feeling her physically. The woman I love is in there, surrounded by all this fat that repulses me.

Even though I see women around that are more appealing, I'm still married so I don't act on it. What I am starting to do is recreate more of the life I had when we met - reading more, going out with friends and exercising again.

But so much of what I miss about her we can't do because her body won't allow her to do. Like the song by Musiq Sould Child "Damn, I just want my friend back!"

posted by "BrotherJ" on the My Fat Spouse Forum

At first I was appalled by the My Fat Spouse forum

At first I was appalled by the rude comments and impolite posts I read on the My Fat Spouse forum posts. The referral of overweight individuals as "fat asses" or just "fat" in general, lowered the credibility of this site as being a true refuge and forum for the other spouse. I didn't want to visit a site that bashed overweight people, but that provided constructive solutions to not only help me deal with the fact my spouse is overweight, but suggestions to promote weight loss.

The reply post by "keep making excuses" gave me another perspective that both husband and wife, regardless of who has the weight problem, are both victims in the situation. The weight problem is both their problem because it affects both people. And although "Moods" comments were not politically correct, nonetheless, he/she should still have a forum or a place to vent their frustrations candidly and without judgement. We have a voice too!!! And with year after year passing with the only change are the scales tipping as the pounds increase and wardrobe gets bigger (in size that is), you do reach a point where you don't know what the F**k to do. You can't force your spouse to lose weight and handcuff them to a treadmill. So instead you try to remain patient and wait for a miracle to occur of this lightbulb to go off in their head for them to wake up see the life they are missing. But until that day arrives, you, or I should say.... I am left with a cloud of shallow guilt of wanting a thinner sexy spouse.

One thing I can take from this sight is that my desires for a healthier slimmer spouse is not shallow or fueled by our media influenced culture. It reaffirmed that my desires are healthy and justified. I wish I knew what to do though. It is one thing to be right, but it doesn't change anything. I love her too much to leave, but I can't see myself continuing down this path for the rest of my life. We both deserve to be happy and at times I wish I had a fat fetish so she could feel desired. I sometimes think that I may be blocking her from finding someone who fully supports the Fat Acceptance Movement or just likes big women. Someone who will make her feel desired and loved just the way she is. Someone who will encourage her to be herself and not change to fit a societal mold. For 7 years I have tried to convinence myself I could be that person, but with an ulterior motive: That the none existence of stress to loose weight to keep your spouse or make them happy, would free or motivate her to lose weight. That because she is loved by someone unconditionally (whatever that means these days), she will love herself enough to improve her life and health by losing weight. Or am I just delusional?

Unconditional Love?

What does that mean? Despite me not having any desire for my wife doesn't mean I don't love her or does it. Is it possible to love someone unconditionally and not want to have sex with them? I dont' know if this is a good analogy or if it applies or if there are different types of love, but I love my parents unconditionally. I would never abandone them for any reason. And to put it back into the realm of marriage, is sex a factor of unconditional love?

posted by "guilted husband" on the My Fat Spouse forum

Here's What My Husband Said To Motivate Me

I'm writing my story to possibly help people approach their overweight spouses.

Growing up, I was always the athletic girl. Stronger and faster than just about everyone in school and I took a great amount of pride in that. I was a gymnast and my life revolved around diet & athletics. After gymnastics, I went on to high school & college cheerleading. Then, in my junior year of college, I became pregnant... whoa was I in for a change.

What happens to your body when your pregnant is quite scary! Especially when you basically go from eating nothing and exercising all day, to eating like a normal person and no exercise. At the end of the pregnancy, I was left with 50 pounds on me. I became extremely depressed and didn't come out of that depression for 11 years. Today, I have 4 boys and am still 60 pounds heavier than I was before my first child.

My husband is and always has been athletic as well. We've been together since we were 16, which was 15 years this year. He is a bmx bike rider and works out daily. My weight has always been a source of resentment in our relationship. I can see it in the way he looks at me, and it hurts. But, when you're depressed, it's hard to find the strength from within to get off your ass and do something about it. He would nag me, holdout on sex, put me down, believe me he tried everything and nothing worked. I rebelled against anything he had to say about my weight. Let me tell you what he said that changed it all for me.

Epiphany

I have been struggling with my wife's obesity and gluttony for so long that I often find myself resorting to wishful thinking to cope.   Sometimes, though, I am filled with despair and, though I am loath to admit it, disgust, to see her letting herself go with no regard for either my feelings or even her own health and appearance.  She was such a pretty woman at one time!  Now there are days she doesn't leave her room except to go into the kitchen and she weighs well over 400 lbs.  Not to make excuses, but I sometimes think that my daily exposure to her wantonness has coarsened me as well.  Out of respect for her privacy, though, I avoided telling anyone.  But now I must come clean, albeit with strangers.  Perhaps that is a step in the right direction?  It has taken me years to find the courage to face up to this extremely unpleasant truth.  I would always deceive myself with the latest clinical euphemism: 'emotional eater', 'obsessive compulsive disorder', 'food addiction', etc..  It never occurred to me that my wife was simply a glutton, no more, no less.  (Her mother recently revealed that she used to sneak food into her bedroom as a teenager.)  Such biblical language seemed too harsh and judgmental and; after all, she was my wife and it was inconsistent with my notion of femininity.  But it worked for people for centuries and now I am forced to acknowledge that their view fits the reality of my situation.  Taking a good long look at her binging late one night recently, brought me to my epiphany, though it sickened me as well.  It seems that I myself had to be viscerally effected before I could see that side of her that she had so long hidden from me.   I am not the kind of man who buries his head in the sand when problems occur.  Obviously I have been aware of her overeating for a long time.  I watched the scale numbers climb and was often pained to see how much she was spending on food and clothing.  And, yes, there have been arguments over it.  But I have been for the most part the most sympathetic of spouses, bottling up my own feelings and fears.  For some reason, though, until I saw her sitting there, so obviously out of control, I didn't realize the depths of her depravity.  What finally got to me, I think, was the fact she was in such a hurry to begin feasting that she didn't even  think to put her bathrobe on after getting out of bed.  And when I offered to get it she said 'No, just go back to sleep'.  Well I'm not going back to sleep.  Now that I know what she really is, I intend to present her with an ultimatum: lose the weight or lose me.   

Posted by "Roy" on the My Fat Spouse Forum

Quite a Journey

Yes, this is quite a journey - not only reclaiminng my once fit and attractive body but analyzing my estranged husband's treatment of me as a result of putting on an extraordinary amount of weight - 60 lbs. So far I have lost 15 of it and am very motivated to keep going. Not only for health reasons, and obvious self-esteem benefits but because it is simply something I need to do

I guess I would be more understanding of my husband's position if he had approached the whole issue in a more compassionate and understanding way. His approach has only been very obnoxious and mean-spirited. The nasty looks and very gruff treatment of me when he has brought this up has been very unpleasant.

And while I am certainly not obtuse and realize that you cannot gain a lot of weight and walk around saying "well I am married and take it or leave it" or "well if you loved me you would accept me for how I am". I am fully aware that these are mere copouts said by the overweight person as a demand that their spouse should just be okay with a huge weight gain.

I know I would not be too happy if the shoe were on the other foot and my husband had gotten fat. And again, the problem us heavy-weights must understand is that it is a horse of a different color if the weight gain is beyond one's control and/or from medical reason. Not from personal lack of self-control or will power.

I know in my heart that I will lose every single solitary pound of my weight gain but not for anyone else, but for me.

I only wish my husband had been more loving throughout the process instead of treating me like I have Leprosy.

I don't think I will ever fully manage to rid myself of the memory of his looking at another SLIM woman and when I told him how I felt he said "well, if you weren't heavy I wouldn't have to look" In his mind he was justified !

Good luck to everyone out there ! 

Posted by Just1229 on the My Fat Spouse forum.

I'm ready to ride the roller coaster.

This post is hopefully not going to end in me crying as hard as I did when I saw the name of this site, but I'm sure it will. If I chase a few rabbits and digress a bit, just hang with me, okay? I might over-rationalize, make excuses and really just tell you more than you'd ever want to know, but geez, it's not like I haven't done that before, right? 

Okay.....I'm taking a deep breath and jumping right in ...... 

We went to Silver Dollar City last Friday. It's a theme park, with more rides each year. I remember back when there were two rides - an indoor, underground rollercoaster and the flume. Now there are kazillions of rides and more coming. I am a roller coaster junkie and have been since I was a kid. The bigger and faster they are, the better. I love a good thrill ride. 

I am a big girl. I guess if we're gettin' honest today we'll just come right out and say it, I'm fat. I know I am, it's my fault and well, that's that. 

I was a chubby kid from about 4th grade till 6th grade. I wore Pretty Plus clothes from Sears and hated it with a passion. I was popular and well-liked, but I was fat. Therefore, boys didn't like me all that much. My maiden name was Bass. 

"Kristin Bass has a fat ass" was heard more than once on the playground. 

I don't like sports, I don't like to sweat and I love to read and study and learn. So it was kind of a given that I'd get chunky as a kid at some point, I guess. Plus, well, I like my groceries. Then miraculously before 7th grade I started slimming down. I wasn't skinny, rail thin and gorgeous like the "pretty girls", but I wasn't fat anymore. The women in my family have butts, though - big, round butts. Baby got back? Oh yeah, we got back. The summer before my senior year I had a 27 inch waist and 40 inch hips. I had a flat stomach and small boobs - my gosh, how could I ever have thought I was fat back then? I was round and flat in all the right places, I was voluptuous and cute. Yet I was a cow in my mind and even in the mind of most guys. They wanted my best friend who was a size 2. I lived my Junior and Senior years on carrots stick and SlimFast. My Senior year I did start eating a Snickers bar and a Diet Coke for lunch every day, but the rest of the time I starved myself. My collar bones stuck out freakishly, my cheeks were sunken - my mother thought I was anorexic. 

In college I was well-liked by the black guys on campus - they appreciated my curves and ooh I enjoyed that attention. Meeting a group of guys and having them turn and watch me as I passed had never happened to me before. It was nice. I ended up dating a good ol' boy from up in Missouri who wanted his women skinny and submissive. I'll never forget the Christmas that he wanted to get me some Rockies jeans and asked what size I wore. Although I weighed barely 120 pounds I wore a size 9 to 11 jeans. When I told him that he laughed and said, "Fatso. You better get out of the double digits, girl, if you wanna be with me." Needless to say, I didn't stay with him. 

When I met my husband, Paul I weighed 135 and between the time we met and got married - 3 months - I had gained 10 pounds. But I still was thin and looked good, I fit in my tight cowgirl jeans and could scoot a mean boot. He loved my body the way it was and only wished that I had bigger boobs. He was happy and so was I. But I had found my niche, I had achieved my dreams - I was married! I set about being Suzy Homemaker and cooked him three meals a day. I made cakes and cookies and pies and big, hearty, meaty meals. I fried everything we ate because he was 6'1" and weighed 165 pounds and is a redneck - they eat fried foods and can get away with it. He was a beanpole and had the metabolism of a race horse. He ate my greasy food cooked with love and was a happy newlywed. I ate my greasy food cooked with love and got fat. And fatter and fatter and fatter. 

Then we struggled with infertility and I ate to make myself feel better about being a total failure at giving him a child. Then I got pregnant and ate because well, I was eating for two. Then we lost our baby and I ate to drown my pain and heartache. Then he started noticing that I was gaining more and more weight and I knew he noticed so I ate more. 

I am a compulsive. I have many compulsions, but eating is my most dangerous. I can alphabetize my canned goods and no one gets hurt. They may laugh, but it doesn't harm anyone or mess up anything. But my compulsion to eat is hurting me. It's killing me, to be honest. But eating makes me so happy, it's something that I can control when the world is spinning in a direction I don't want it to go and can do nothing about. If the kids are whiny, I eat a handful of chips. If Paul is cranky, I hide in the kitchen and down a couple of Twinkies. Bad day at work? Oh that merits a few Oreos. And a few more. Maybe three helpings of mashed potatoes at dinner, too. I can fix anything with food. 

Except now the food that was my glue, the stuff that stuck my life together for all these years, is clogging my arteries, raising my blood pressure and making my cholesterol do a funky upward conga line to Cardiac Arrestland. I have stretch marks in places I didn't know stretch marks could exist and thrive. That barren wasteland that is on the underside of the upper arm - I had no clue it was stretch mark inhabitable, yet they have formed a colony and it looks like they're not leaving. I ache, my knees hurt, I snore, I huff and I puff. 

I am the woman they kick off the roller coaster when they can't get the harness buckled. 

I am now crying, by the way. I told you I would. The name of this site made me cry at first. 

I never wanted to be a fat mommy. I wanted to be the cute mommy with the cute clothes and the cute hair who had tons of neverending energy to bounce around the park with her kids, have time and energy for tons of kid activities. I am ashamed to admit this, but there were a few fleeting moments where I thought it might be cool to have an outfit that matched my baby's. But they don't make Mommy and Me outfits for fat mommies. They only go up to size 10. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a cool mommy and I know I'm a good mommy, my entire self-esteem as a parent doesn't hinge on my looks, but I'm sure the kids at school talk about how fat Abby's mom is. I remember being a kid. Fat people are funny. And they're so easy to make fun of. 

I have just been able to tell myself all these years that the babies like snuggling with me becuase I have lots of cushy goodness and they can snuggle into my big, squishy boobs and fall right to sleep. And trust me, they do. But if that is my rationalization, my reason, to stay fat it's a pretty poor one. 

So after getting kicked off the roller coaster, I ducked my head, gathered my daughter and niece who couldn't ride without me and with cheeks ablaze, I exited Stage Mortified. TotOne was crying. (Abby wasn't - she didn't want to ride that one anyway) I had to squat down on her level, get eye to eye with my 7 year old niece and tell her that Aunt Kiki was too fat to ride the roller coaster and she'd have to wait. That was a moment I never envisioned for myself when I was a teen. But I didn't start crying until after Tater and TotTwo and Sam got back from the ride and Tater took TotOne off to ride. It was then that TotTwo asked why TotOne was getting to ride and TotOne yelled across the walking path, "Because Aunt Kiki's butt was too big to fit and we got kicked off!" That convenient hole that you wish would swallow you up whole was nowhere to be found. Instead I walked down the hill to find my Mom and youngest daughter and burst into tears when I had to tell my mom that I was too fat to ride the roller coaster. 

Why am I writing all of this to you? I am not sure. Do I want sympathy? Nah. I don't need sympathy. Do I want you to send me all of your low fat, carbless recipes? Nah. I don't want those, thank you very much. I'm not sure why I wrote what I just wrote. Maybe I just needed to sit here and cry awhile. 

I am on day three of Weight Watchers. I have done this before. I have started, I have stopped. I have drugged my way into two smaller pant sizes. (Legal drugs, not meth, although I hear that, too, is effective. But I do kind of have an attachment to my teeth as well) I have starved myself. I have been tempted to throw up, but I really hate to throw up. I guess the reason I might be writing all of this is to tell you that I'm ready to enjoy life again. I'm ready to run and not feel like my lungs are going to explode. I'm ready to jump and not jiggle for half an hour afterwards. I'm ready to be naked in front of my husband and not wonder if he's secretly turned off and embarrassed of me. I'm ready to feel good again. 

I'm ready to ride the roller coaster. 

Posted by Millie  on the famous My Fat Spouse Forum

Very obese wife wants me to still be attracted to her.

My wife is really obese and I am no longer attracted to her physically.  There I said it.  It feels good just to say it and not worry about how it will make her feel.  I have been reading the post on this site for weeks now and I want to post my story as well.  Maybe I will get some brilliant advice but it just feels good to finally say it.  I have been married for 15 years.  We have two beautiful children and a pretty good life.  I have a good job and my wife works part time.  Since we have been married my wife has steadily put on weight.  I gained weight with her and got really fat also but decided to change about 3 years ago.  I currently crossfit and follow and primal/paleo style of eating.  I have a very athletic build weigh about 185lbs at 5’11”.  My wife will not even tell me her weight.  She is 5’3” and I can only guess about 225lbs.  Like all marriages we have had our ups and downs but we seem to have a good relationship.  My issue is I am not attracted to the very obese woman she has become.  She is aware of this and is constantly questioning me about why I do not instigate sex or want to have sex more often.  Recently I finally admitted it was because of her weight and she was very hurt.  Her response was she can’t believe she is married to someone who cares so much about appearance.  I tried to explain that it is only natural.  It is in our genes to be attracted to fit people.  I have tried to encourage her to make some changes and exercise.  I am not expecting her to look like a fitness model or even anything close.  I just cannot get turned on by her physically.  We have discussed this recently a few times.  I even began packing her lunch to help.   I make her breakfast everyday and do lots of things to encourage her to eat better.  She still finds ways to go eat mountains of chocolate or ice cream or sugared up snacks.  She talks about wanting to exercise but she has been talking about doing that for many years.  I really want her to make a change.  I want her to be healthy and a normal weight.  When we first met she did not work out but she looked good.  We were in our early twenties and her body was curvy and sexy.  I love this woman so much.  She is such a good mom and a fantastic person.  She is very smart and so easy to talk too.  We have so much good together that I just cannot understand why she does not want to change.  She makes up some really poor excuses also for not changing.  I am worried we will be divorced but I am refusing to budge anymore.  She tries to initiate sex often lately and I turn her down which must be really hurtful and a huge blow to her ego.  What really makes me angry is she tells me I should not care how she looks.  You know the same old crap we see, read, or hear in the public about for better or worse and if you truly loved her it would not matter.  That is all crap and she knows it.  It is just an excuse.  When I lost weight and got fit she could not keep her hands off of me.  I have abs and muscles all over me and I see other women looking when we go to the pool or just in public.  I have always been a handsome guy but when I was fat no one looked.  I don’t what to do at this point.  I have told her how I feel and that she needs to really change and stop being so selfish.  I have told her that this lifestyle choice is harming our marriage, our children and her health.  So far she has done nothing.   The worst part of it is that is always so tired.  I remember being like that.  She never has energy to do anything and then has the nerve to ask me why we never do anything almost like she is blaming me.  I love her dearly but I know if I continue to be firm we may end up divorced which I do not want.  Oh and she does not have to clean the house.  I have a house keeper and she only works a part time job of 20 hours or less a week.  She does not have any excuses.  I just think she is very content with her situation and does not want to change it.  Several years ago when I was working full time and going to college full time I know she was thinking about divorce.  She began going to the YMCA with a friend and dropped 25 lbs very quickly.  Once I finished school and reconciled our marriage she has gained all the weight back and I lost 51 lbs.  I know she can do it but for some reason chooses not to do this.  Your advice is welcome.

Posted by  yorktown38 
on the  My Fat Spouse Forum

Here's what my husband said to motivate me

I am new here and am writing my story to possibly help people approach their overweight spouses.

Growing up, I was always the athletic girl. Stronger and faster than just about everyone in school and I took a great amount of pride in that. I was a gymnast and my life revolved around diet & athletics. After gymnastics, I went on to high school & college cheer leading. Then, in my junior year of college, I became pregnant... whoa was I in for a change.

What happens to your body when your pregnant is quite scary! Especially when you basically go from eating nothing and exercising all day, to eating like a normal person and no exercise. At the end of the pregnancy, I was left with 50 pounds on me. I became extremely depressed and didn't come out of that depression for 11 years. Today, I have 4 boys and am still 60 pounds heavier than I was before my first child.

My husband is and always has been athletic as well. We've been together since we were 16, which was 15 years this year. He is a bmx bike rider and works out daily. My weight has always been a source of resentment in our relationship. I can see it in the way he looks at me, and it hurts. But, when you're depressed, it's hard to find the strength from within to get off your ass and do something about it. He would nag me, holdout on sex, put me down, believe me he tried everything and nothing worked. I rebelled against anything he had to say about my weight. Let me tell you what he said that changed it all for me.

Recently, we separated because of marital stress. We were separated for 5 weeks, however still spent time together because of the kids. One evening over a few drinks he said to me, "Do you want to know how I really feel about you." Of course I answered, "Yes." He went on to tell me that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. That sometimes having sex actually disgusted him. Of course I was hurt, but I knew in my heart that he felt this way all along. I was disgusted my myself so why shouldn't he be? He went on to tell me that he loved me, but he wanted to have sex with a hot chick again. THAT WAS IT. At that point I realized that if I didn't become that hot chick, someone else would fill the position for me and there was no way that was going to happen!

Since that day, my life has been about renewing my sense of pride. I work out daily & watch what I eat. What do you know, I've actually lost weight! I know a lot of people will say that my husband is a superficial jerk telling me these things, but not me. I thanked him for it, because it was just what I needed to jumpstart a new life. 

How you react to your spouses feelings is a choice. You have to be at a point where you're ready to accept what he/she says. As I said, all other attempts (over 11 years) were met with defiance on my part. I think my acceptance had a lot to do with the way he said it. I took it as encouragement. He believed that I could become hot again, and told me so. I didn't believe that in myself, and to hear him say it meant more than anything.

I am absolutely, 110% doing this for myself. His benefit is a byproduct . I just needed a little encouragement to believe that this was a solveable problem.






Hope that wasn't too boring and good luck with your spouses.

Posted by Red Dream
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Can't get past the hurt...

I'm an overweight spouse. The thing is, I had recommitted to losing weight and starting to exercise/take care of myself again in the last year. Then my husband of many years says that he is not attracted to me anymore, that he thinks I need to lose weight, get a tan, wear dresses, and do any number of things in order for "him" to feel better toward me. He did mention health as a concern, and he's right, though I will say all my vitals are checked regularly (I have thyroid condition and get checkups every 3 mos) and everything is healthy/normal, except my weight. So I think 10% of him is concerned for my health, the other 90% just wants a skinny wife. That realization is hard to accept, because I honestly believe I don't look at people that way. If he gains or loses 30-40 pounds, unless it causes health problems that he doesn't like, I am fine with it. I think people are more than some number on a scale, but obviously my husband and many on the forums disagree - hence why I'd like your feedback.  

I was on the self-motivated path, but after hearing him confirm what society is already chanting ("down with the fatties" or some other form of criticism), I am now unable to move past it and continue the journey for myself. Now I am so depressed that I don't even see reason for functioning thru the day, much less exercising. I've read some of the forum posts here, those that say "just say you're not attracted and she'll snap out of her fatness" but that (a) is callous for me to read, and (b) doesn't help everyone in their approach. As in the case with me, it's having the opposite effect.

Hearing my husband say I need to change so he can like me more does not make me want to change. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come back out. I knew I was overweight and needed to get healthy, but when I looked in the mirror I saw someone who I liked, someone who does a lot for others, someone who is pretty special in many ways, but needed to get in shape eventually. Now I just see and hear my husband's comments. What, me? A decent person? Not anymore. Talented in her career? Nope. Apparently I'm just fat.  

I've considered leaving him. I've considered losing the weight and then leaving him. I've considered losing weight so he'll be happy and it'll be a way to keep my marriage intact.

But I'm asking - and it's something to think about for anyone who is about to bring up the subject with an overweight spouse - how do you mend the harm that comes from the words you say? I wish my husband had been more sensitive in how he told me.

And I suppose I never looked at my own weight as something he should be angry about. That was a surprise for me as I read thru these posts. Then again, I was heavy when we married so it's not like I transformed into someone else. I've gained maybe 40 pounds since our wedding - and it "fills out" over me nicely. I'm tall so it's not like I look pregnant or have a spare tire - it is spread out evenly, though I am overweight. So this whole "you have to change" came out of the blue, when I presumed he was a man who loved me unconditionally.

I'm not trying to be a troll or cause dissension. I am honestly trying to see another side to things that apparently my husband shares an opinion with. Any help is appreciated, as yes, I do hope to continue on my own weight loss journey for my own sake.

Posted by Gamatz
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Can't Take Anymore!

I've been lurking here for a year or two now, but never really had anything useful to add.  Well, I still don't, just need to vent I guess.  Before I start, I should point out that only about 1/3 of my issues are fat-related.  She's also ridiculously lazy, and for a lack of a better term, a total bitch.  But it wouldn't shock me if there was some correlation between the three things.

I've been with my wife for about 9 years now.  I had just moved to a new area, and the plan was just to date her for a little bit, until something better came along.  I know, I know, pretty harsh, and not a good way to start an eventual marriage, but trying to be honest here.  Anyway, then she got pregnant.  Something very important that I learned, that I try to stress to all my single friends, is that marriage is really not a serious thing at all, at least anymore.  Not happy with your spouse?  No biggie, divorce is commonplace now, and once it's over with, you're free to move on with your life.  Not so with kids.  Do not get someone pregnant, or you will never be completely free of her for the rest of your life.  Without a doubt, if we didn't have kids together, I would've left her long ago.  As a matter of fact, right before we found out, I was starting the breaking up process (I'm not a good breaker-upper, it takes a little time).  But then I got the news, and did the "right thing", and 2 more kids later, I'm just completely miserable with my life.  And the messed up part, is that it's not some combination of things, it's all her.  I love my kids so much, and have a great relationship with them, and we have tons of fun together.  I have a good job that I'm happy with, and I'm doing really well there.  And I have a few really good friends.  I mention this because she thinks I'm unhappy with my life in general, and that she's not to blame at all.

The fat part:  She's about 220 right now.  She started off somewhere the 140 range, which was okay with me at the time, again, wasn't looking for anything serious.  And obviously, the kids took a toll on her.  What I don't get, and I'm sure this is a common issue on this board, is how some women gain the pregnancy weight, and as soon as they have the kids they're back down to normal, or close to it.  And then others gain 30-40 pounds each time, and it just stays on there.  I'm not sure if this is a genetic thing, or more motivational.  And she's 5'-4", and just seems to get more sloppy looking every day.  Not sure if that's the right term, but her belly just hangs down, and she tries to tuck it into her underwear (which I could use as a sail in a pinch, if my propeller ever broke, by the way).  She has multiple chins, and back boobs, and having sex with her is like doing a beanbag chair.  What makes things worse, and this certainly isn't her fault, is that I'm pretty skinny (5'-10, 155, I'm a little too thin, I'd like to get to 165 eventually, but a good 165).  I get decent exercise, but it's more that I watch what I eat.  So if I'm with a skinny girl we look pretty good, and along the same lines, if she was with a big stocky guy it would be better.  But together we look freaking ridiculous.  Maybe I'm making excuses, regardless, I'm embarrassed to go out in public with her.  Which sucks, because I have a lot of work functions that I'd like to bring her to, and also my friends sometimes bring their wives/girlfriends out with them, although there's a double whammy there, because they all hate her, due to the bitch part.  Furthermore, I can't do anything physical with her, because she has no stamina whatsoever.  I'm not sure if there's any Adam Sandler fans out there, but if you search for "Fatty McGee" on youtube, that's literally what she sounds like going up the stairs (out of breath and wheezing).  Up one flight of stairs!  I could go on about the fatness, and maybe I will in future posts, but this is getting rather long as it is.

Briefly, with the lazy/bitchiness: She's a "stay at home mom", because she's failed in 3 or 4 attempts at school, so therefore it's more cost effective for her to stay home with the kids (also, she refuses to get a job).  Not that I don't want her home with the kids, I think that's better for them, in theory.  Unfortunately, she doesn't do anything with them, besides the obligatory feeding, and diaper changes for the baby.  I'm curious to hear what other people think being a stay at home mom, or dad, entails.  Our neighbors are in a similar situation.  The husband works, and does the outdoor chores (mowing, etc.) and repairs, stuff like that.  The wife cleans the house (and does a good job, from what I've seen), laundry, takes care of the kids during the day, and dinner waiting for when the dad gets home.

My wife: next to nothing.  I say next to, because every two weeks or so, she'll have one good, motivated day where she'll get a few hours of cleaning done.  I'm not exaggerating, or being sarcastic, it's almost like clockwork.  She'll also wash and dry the laundry, but leave it in baskets so either I wear wrinkled clothes to work, or do it myself.  Every day I come home from work (except for that glorious second and fourth Tuesday) to just a complete disaster zone of a house.  I realize that could mean anything, but it's pretty bad.  Dishes stacked out of the sink, papers all over the table, just crap all over the floor, my 1 year old daughter's knees are dirty from crawling on the filthy floor.  Anyway, it's not good.  So I get home at 5:30, have to immediately cook dinner for everyone, play with the kids for an hour or so, get them ready for bed, then try to make a dent in the mess.  On weekends, I try to balance cleaning with doing stimulating stuff with the kids to make up for them sitting around the house watching tv all day while I'm at work.  Again, I could go on, but that should be plenty to get a pretty good picture.

Hopefully briefly for real this time: She's just a nasty person.  She's got this phony "cutesy" persona that she pulls on her friends, but everyone sees the real her eventually.  She is awful to me, the way she speaks to me sometimes, I don't know, it's indescribable, but I have the feeling that at least a couple of you reading this are nodding their heads.  And she flips out all the time, and just screams at whoever's in range; I usually take the brunt of it, but the kids have gotten it a few times, and not to overuse a word, but that's pretty awful too.  I should probably have mentioned this by now, but she's also bi-polar, which is really the icing on the cake.  Anyway, that's the big reason for the freak outs.

So, why do I stay with this horrible person?  Because of the kids, again, probably a common theme here.  I don't want to share them with her, and I also think they'll suffer if they have to live with her, without someone keeping an eye on things.  It would be nice if a judge knew how things really were, and maybe I'd have some luck with that, but I can't risk getting screwed like so many of the actual decent dads out there have been.  I know I need some sort of exit strategy, and should compile evidence and stuff.  I probably should've started this post with that, and asking for advice.  Mostly I just needed to vent though.  Well, I guess feel a little better now.  If anyone has any advice, or maybe just a similar situation, I'd really appreciate any feedback.

Thank you!

posted by  chris50 on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum