Since you asked...

...I will tell you "my story."   

I have been married for almost four years.  When hubby and I were dating, I lived at home with Mom, I was 23-25 years old.  I had a full time job as a chef and I had a free gym membership.  I used the membership 1 to 5 times per week, doing cardio and weights.  I Weighed 135-140 lbs at 5'4 1/2" tall.   

At the time of our engagement, right after the New Year 2005, I weighed 148 lbs.  I went down to 130 lbs in June2005.  Then I moved out of my Mom's home and into our marital home.  I did not have money for a gym membership in the new town (three hours away from my Mom's place).  My responsibilities totally changed when I moved in with my Husband.  His culinary tastes were (and are) completely different from mine.  I ate a lot of vegetables, and enjoyed salads, and put extra vegetables in everything (sauces, pasta, etc).  My hubby is a meat and potatoes kind of guy.  His idea of vegetables are corn, peas, and maybe carrots.  Since I wanted to be the perfect wife, I wanted to cook things he enjoys.  So, his menu was in, mine was out. 

I was pretty stressed out about the wedding, and I wasn't exercising, so my hubby took me for an ice cream as a treat and to get my mind off the stress.  That became a nightly habit for about a month.  My weight crept up to 140 lbs at the time of the wedding (aug 2005).  Hubby like to eat chocolate bars.  He was nice and always split them with me.  I kept eating vegetables and healthy stuff, but more and more, my eating fell in line with the unhealthy stuff he was eating.  In marriage, there is really no compromise (at least not in mine); the person with the strongest will gets their way.   As this was going on, he seemed to get bored of me. I am inferring here, but it was as though he had bagged his trophy, and now there was no 'thrill of the hunt' any more.  The sex dropped off.  That bothered me.  After work, he would sit in front of the tv all night.  He didn't want to be bothered.  That bothered me.  He criticized my cooking.  Since I am a chef, that bothered me.   

I didn't say anything though.  I wanted to be the perfect wife.  After growing up with a severely alcoholic father who abandoned Mom and I  when I was eleven, in that kind of chaos and insecurity, all I wanted was to be normal.  That was why  I got married to my hubby.  He is as steady as a rock.  He has parents that are still together.  Normal.  Just what I wanted.   So I didn't  say anything, I just tried harder to do what he wanted so he wouldn't complain.  I figured I needed to learn his preferences as  his new wife.  That's what usually happens with newlyweds, right?  It was never enough though.  There was always (is still always) something to nitpick. 

Then I got laid off from a job I really liked that allowed me to be home to get supper ready and shower and get dressed before hubby got home.  That bothered me.  I had to take a job that paid more, but the hours were such that I would only see hubby on three days of the week  (this was january 2006).  I didn't want to take the job, but we really needed the money to cover his truck payment, that, coincidentally was twice the amount of the mortgage.  Nevertheless, I took the job as it was the only one that would earn enough to cover our costs.  It was very stressful.  The restaurant's kitchen (which I was in charge of) was in disrepair.  It was the middle of the 'oil boom' in my province, hence workers for the kitchen were nearly impossible to find.  The ones we did hire we incompetent.  So, I had to pick up all that slack.  That was very difficult and stressful.  Added on top of that, I was still doing all the housework and cooking at home (still trying to be the perfect wife).  Superstar chef and perfect wife.  Impossible.  The longer I stayed in that job, the more depressed I got.  I have always struggled with depression, but the combination of new town, new home, new roles to play, and  heavy responsibilities drained me and used me up.  I really fell into a deep depression.  I tried to talk to hubby about it. But like most guys, he tried to 'fix' the situation, by telling me he would 'go in there and fire those incompetent people himself,' or 'i'm going to go down there and tell your boss to pull her head out of her ass.'  Heart in the right place, but not helpful whatsoever.  I was alone in the situation.  New town + crazy job = no time to make friends/develop support system.   

I started eating a lot.  I think it was out of frustration, sadness, loneliness, anger.  I would eat at work.  I would eat at home, but only when I was alone.  I hated people seeing me eat.   Hubby and I didn't eat together anymore.  I still worked out a bit, but it was hit and miss, not consistent.  At that time, I also developed this habit if picking at my hair.  It progressed to the point that whenever I was sitting still, I would pull out my hair, strand by strand.  It got so bad, I had pulled out 1/3 of my hair.  Almost the entire left side of my head was bald.  I was out of control.  I took up smoking to keep my hands busy and hopefully blunt my desire to eat.  Smoking didn't help.  the hair-pulling and smoking were always done in secret.  I could never let hubby find out.  I eventually cut my hair really short, so that it would all be an even length.  That finally put an end to the hair-pulling.  Guilt about keeping a secret compelled me to confess my smoking habit to hubby, and I managed to quit.  But then the eating gained momentum.   I was now up to 176 lbs (spring 2007) 

Things between hubby and I were terrible by that point.  His constant nitpicking-and-ignoring routine had worn away my defenses and we fought regularly.  I was distraught.  I cried everyday.  I could no longer carry on in the job, and I decided that a new career was in order, something that paid better and had better hours.  I also knew that I couldn't stand living with my hubby anymore, but we couldn't divorce (because that would make me even more of a failure).  I decided to go to school and learn a new career.  This would give us some breathing room, and maybe the break would get me back in control of my emotions and eating.   

AT this point I was 186 lbs (january 2008).  I went to school, but my eating patterns worsened.  The distance from hubby made me sad and anxious because I wasn't 'pulling my weight' at home financially.  That summer when I got home I was 200 lbs.  We didn't have sex the entire summer.  That crushed me. 
  
I should mention that over the course of all of this, I was continually rebuffed by hubby when I tried to initiate intimacy.  Since 2006, we have had sex at most once per month.  The longest stretch was 5 months without.  I asked why the sex dried up.  He said it had nothing to do with me.  Maybe he was depressed, so he went and got antidepressants form the doc.  That didn't help. 

It was time to start my degree in science, so I left back for school.  My weight stayed the same.  In january 2009. after so many attempts to figure out what was the impediment to our sex life ("affair?  sick of me?  too fat?  What is it, please talk to me honey.  We can't fix it unless we know what the problem is") he finally spilled the beans that it was because he was not attracted to me at that weight. 

So after 2-3 years of being unattracted to me, he finally decided to tell me what the problem was.  He was afraid I would be hurt.  He was right.  I was devastated.  I thought he loved me for who I was.  Naively, I thought his attraction to me went beyond the physical.  I was very wrong.   

I also should mention that all through this time, I was trying to eat better.  I don't know why it is, but I can start the day healthy, eating good food in reasonable portions, but after work , I have an overwhelming need to EAT.  Especially sweets and super buttery cheese sandwiches.  It sounds, no, it IS selfish and stupid to put food above my health, above my hubby's needs.  I get that.  I got that when he told me why his attraction for me ended.  Why can't I get a hold of myself when so much is at stake?  I am angry at him that he was never an emotional support for me when I had no one else to turn to.  I am angry that I am a fat unattractive woman at only 29 years old.  I am embarrassed at my appearance, ashamed to leave the house.  Angry that I have little influence over the decisions in our marriage regarding where to live, what we eat, how the household is run, how the money is spent, how our spare time is spent. 

I don't know where to go from here.  We recently started marriage counseling, but stopped because we found out his mom has ALS/Lou Gehrig's disease.  I have tried to be as supprtive as possible, making sure the house is as perfect as can be, being as pleasant as ever, just doing anything and everything I can think of to help him get through this awful time.  Also, I am not going back to school. I need to be here to help take care of his mom, and be a support to him. 

Anyway.   That is the scoop on my situation.  I probably left some out, simply out of forgetfulness.  If there is interest/questions, I will fill in any blanks. 

posted by marymaryquitecontrary on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

My Weight Loss Story

This is a true story.  No, my wife has not read it, but I have no doubts that she would approve of me posting it in this forum.  If truth be told, she could easily tell this exact same story herself. 

I am a thirty-two year old male about 5' 10” in height.  My wife and I have now been married eleven years.  Something very special to me this particular anniversary, or close to it, is that my weight has returned to what it was when she and I were married. 

I basically stopped growing (in terms of height) when I was in high school.  This is when I was ‘fit' and in my ‘prime,' or so people said.  Back then I weighed about 170 pounds.  Then I went to college for four years and was away from home.  They always referred to the “freshman fifteen” with kids who went to college.  I think this was supposed to mean that, in general, kids going away from home for the first time to college typically gained fifteen pounds.  Maybe they started eating more poorly when they got away from Mom's good cooking.  The “freshman fifteen” also applied to me, only in my case, the reverse was true.  I didn't have a car or bicycle, so what that meant is that I did a ton of walking around campus to and from all of my classes… all of which made me lose fifteen pounds.  And I ate horribly, too, but it didn't seem to matter at all. 

Or, maybe the weight loss was because I fell in love with my wife sometime during college, and “pined” away for her.  I wanted to wait until school was over with before asking for her hand in marriage, which seemed to be the prudent thing to do, and that was three very long years away.  You'd perhaps have to understand a little about my church to know just why something like that could cause a man to lose weight.  In a desire to encourage purity before marriage, my church discourages dating, unless marriage is basically imminent and forthcoming.  Needless to say, it is most difficult for a man that falls in love, who is withheld from the closeness he craves, where the only contact he has with the woman of his affection is a handshake on Sunday.  It makes me wonder how Jacob did it in the Bible, when he worked seven whole years for his beloved Rachel.  I could barely stand just three!  Even so, this might have had something to do with my weight loss. 

My wife and I got married shortly after I graduated from college, and settled into life.  I'm an accountant by trade and went from being fairly active to very sedentary.  I was completely ignorant as to how this could affect my body.  At first a few pair of pants here or there started to get tight.  And then they had to be thrown away.  It sort of creeps up on a fellow!  Ten years passed.  A few times in there I'd try to do some things to lose weight, but nothing seemed to stick, or help me lose the amount of weight I needed to. 

This past year in the office where I work, a man that shares office space with us began this program of counting calories to help himself lose weight.  Being “male,” I'm not the best at noticing things, but after a period went by I about did a double-take when I looked at this man.  He'd lost over forty pounds and looked absolutely terrific!  And I told him so, too, begging him to share with me just how he did it.  I don't know if the site administrator here will bleep this out.  However, I'm truly not intending to advertise anything here, except something wonderful that happened to me and I wanted to share on this board.  This gentleman directed me to an internet website called:  www.calorie-count.com.  Diets are hard, though, and I knew it wasn't going to be fun.  I was 240 pounds at the time, and a lot needed to come off.  So I stalled, probably for more than half a year. 

On February 6th of 2007 I finally quit stalling and went to the website. In all honesty, I think I was finally “angry” enough at myself to do it.  There's really no other explanation than that.  I hated that my pants perpetually felt tight around my waist.  I couldn't stand the double-chin I saw when I looked in the mirror or saw myself in pictures.  I saw how hard my dear wife worked to keep her weight off, because she knew how much more attractive it made her to me.  I was hot all the time, and sweating for no good reason, even in the middle of winter.  There had also been a few snide remarks made by some folks about how I looked, and frankly, they didn't feel all that good.  Even though maybe such comments were a little mean, I can't dispute them at all.  They were right!  I was overweight, and it was for no good reason other than simple laziness on my own part.  And I hated myself because of it.  It was time for a change, and I dove in head first with a vengeance. 

Everything is free on that website. I set up an account, and then began the journey to “count calories.”  It asked a few questions about me.  I had to tell them my sex, age, current weight, the weight I eventually wanted to weigh, and how long I wanted to take in getting there.  I think they also wanted to know my body type, or how large my bones are, and my lifestyle (sedentary versus active).  Shorter is better, right?  I wanted to get this done and over with, so I tried to do it really fast.  The system wouldn't let me.  I think it's structured so that it will only let you lose weight at a certain speed.  They said that most men shouldn't eat less than 1,500 calories per day; to do otherwise isn't healthy.  Okay – I'm not a doctor, but that's what they said.  With this info, they told me how many calories per day I could eat, and they told me about when I'd reach my goal.  At first I despaired.  I wanted to lose seventy pounds, and it told me this wouldn't happen until way out in the future.  It seemed like a mountain!  However, they say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  So, I grabbed my “mountain climbing gear” and took that step, and haven't looked back since. 

Each morning I weighed myself.  When I got to work, I entered the weight in the internet log, which keeps track of it for me and plots a nice ‘progress' chart.  Throughout the day, when I ate things, I'd search for them on this internet site, and log them into the system.  It counts the calories I eat, and lets me know just where I'm at.  I made this special little paper form for the weekends so I could note my weight and the things I ate.  It was embarrassing to me to have to drag out this dumb little paper to record the things I ate, especially when we had meals with our friends or family, but I did it anyway.  When a person feels desperate, you do a lot of things, I suppose.  These were also entered into the computer when I got back to the office.  Maybe entering them wouldn't have been necessary, but for me there was an accountability aspect of this that was good.  My dear mother thought I got a little obsessive about it.  And perhaps that's true to some extent.  I've logged literally everything I've eaten, even if it's just a simple little life saver candy, or a few raspberries I've munched on while walking through Mom and Dad's garden.  I've gotten in the habit now of asking myself before I eat anything, just where I'm at in my caloric intake for the day, and just how the thing I'm about to eat is going to affect that.  It's made for some painful decisions sometimes (such as going without supper because I ate too much earlier in the day), but again, I think it's been worth it.  And maybe it was obsessive, but like I told my mother, it's WORKED! 

And I can surely testify that while this was indeed worth it, it was most certainly NOT easy.  It's one of the toughest things I think I've ever put my body through!  The thing that kept me going, though, was that the results were immediate from the very first day.  The very first day I lost 2.6 pounds!  The next day another 1.6 pounds went away.  The third day 0.9 pounds said “goodbye.”  The fourth day, 2.1 more pounds left.  I was ecstatic!  Ten pounds gone in just a week!  It slowed down later, of course, but maybe that quick start was helpful for this day and age of “instant gratification!”  I've basically been one VERY hungry boy for about five months.  Very hungry.  I probably should go see the dentist, because the ‘teeth gritting' to make it through those hunger pangs have probably wore down all my molars!  However, I can also testify that enduring those hunger pangs was the worst right at first.  Then it got easier.  I don't know if that means my stomach shrunk, or if I just finally got enough gumption to be able to have “power” over my own body, and the ability to deny it what it wanted. 

In some ways it was funny… a person has to keep some sense of humor through it all.  There were many, many nights I would go to bed, and be lulled to sleep by the “musical symphony” of my stomach at war with itself.  It would protest, growl and grumble.  And I would almost chuckle out my reply, “Pull it from inventory, boys.  I'm done eating for the day!”  And usually by morning, the “boys” in my stomach had figured things out, and the hunger pangs were gone.  And then I'd pop out of bed, ready to go hop on the scales, to see just how much “inventory” they had dispensed with during the night! 

This morning, almost exactly five months after commencing this journey, I stepped on the scales and about wept to see the message it contained.  It said I was 170.1 pounds.  I'm 69.9 pounds less than I was earlier this year!  This is a loss of almost ½ of a pound each day since then.  Okay, so I technically still have 0.1 pounds to go to officially meet my goal, but for all intents and purposes, I'm there.  I do intend to break 170, just so I can say I did it, but this is where I stop.  I am content, and thrilled that my beloved wife no longer has to go to bed with an overweight man.  Now will begin the task of seeing if I can maintain this.  I've informed my dear wife more than once that I only want to make this journey once in my whole life.  This has been painful both to my body, and to my wallet.  I have no desire to do this again – I've yoyo dieted before, but I want this one to stick.  After the first fifty pounds came off, I started exercising a little, too, and I think that will help in the future if I keep it up. 

Hopefully you will forgive me if I sound overly exuberant, or if it sounds like I carry a certain amount of pride with this accomplishment.  I am dearly trying to fight that urge, and rather wish to give my great God the credit for helping me through this.  It's only His mercy that has carried me through this and brought me this gift.  I hope my life and body henceforth can be dedicated in greater discipline and of better use to Him.  In many ways, I think He has taught me a few things in going through this.  There are plenty of other areas in my life that need work, some of which have been pointed out by a few folks on this site incidentally, and if the Lord is able to help me do something that seemed like a mountain, then surely He is also completely capable to grant grace to help fix other issues in my life. 

This is especially posted with the intent of hopefully inspiring or helping someone else to achieve the same thing.  We're all made differently, I suppose, and maybe this wouldn't work for someone else, but I wanted to share it in the interest of encouragement anyway.  Believe me when I say this – if I could do this, then truly anybody could.  Has it helped my marriage?  In many ways, I think it has.  Maybe it seems like a small thing, or something that shouldn't matter, but I do feel better now when I make love to my wife being this way than when I was heavier.  I don't know just why that is, but it's true.  And for the gentlemen who happen to read this, I think there is another “side benefit” of losing a few pounds, and it was something I wasn't expecting. The weight loss seems to help “downstairs,” if you know what I mean.  I look down there now and wonder, “Where in the world were you hiding?”  Suffice it to say, it has allowed my wife and I to enjoy other positions in lovemaking we previously weren't able to.  So, the weight loss has become more meaningful to me than just for health purposes! 

To any currently trying to lose weight, sometimes fighting valiantly but finding it a struggle, I know exactly what it feels like.  But please take hope and just grit your teeth!  In many respects, I think this is more than just a physical battle for us, it's a spiritual one, and one of learning how to bring one's body into subjection.  This Scripture went through my mind many times while going through this.  The beloved Apostle was talking about another concept with these words, but I think it surely applies to this battle as well.  I hope it will encourage you as it encouraged me: 

Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.  And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible.  I therefore so run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air:  But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.  (I Corinthians 9:24-27) 

read more on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum 

We are a generation of over-fed gluttons, gorging on our abundance like never before. Or that, at least, is what the experts will have us believe.

It is easy for us to forget King Edward VII ruled over a nation of 'gluttons' and some of the the food fads of our middle-class ancestors 100 years ago made modern indulgence seem like a detox regime. A typical breakfast would feature kedgeree, kippers, sausage, poached egg, devilled kidneys, fruit and endless rounds of buttered toast.
Lunch, meanwhile, would be a three-course affair, followed by a tea of cakes, buttered bread and scones.But dinner was always the piece de resistance - with as many as eight courses.


I guess it's not surprising that those times produced perhaps the most revolting diet in history. A fashionable regime from Edwardian times required participants to chew everything precisely 32 times, before tilting the head backwards to allow the masticated food to slide down.

This idea was first put forward by an American, Horace Fletcher - a marksman, athlete and painter, who had become so fat he was refused life insurance in 1895.

By then he weighed more than 141/2st, but after just four months of using the chewchew method, he had shed more than 40lb.

Fletcher believed food must be chewed to be absorbed into the body's system healthily.

Hasty eating, he believed, resulted in undigested food clogging up the system, which led to constipation and the colon becoming a dangerous cesspool of bacteria.

This was an era obsessed by the evils of constipation.

Fletcher's great friend was John Harvey Kellogg, who in 1906 launched the staple of most people's breakfasts even today - cornflakes.

This daily intake of roughage was intended to oil the system and Kellogg's bran was designed to scour the intestines.

Kellogg also ran a sanatorium where people went to lose weight, through cold rain douches, sweating packs and plunge baths, along with rigorous exercise.

Interestingly, on Fletcher's diet you can eat anything - and as much of it as you like - but chewing takes so long, the desire to eat diminishes and you eat less.

Revolting, it may be. But it's certainly effective.

I was the Fat One

I was the fat one. My wife is HOT. 5' 3" 105 lbs.

I was always skinny until I settled into my office job. I got up to 220lbs at 6'0". Not fat? Hardly. 25% BMI.

You can rationalize anything until you look honestly at yourself naked in the mirror.

I did and then asked myself if I wanted to be a fat guy or not. Being lazy by nature it was an honest questions. I seriously weighed the pros and cons of being lazy and fat (more time for video games, less pain, etc) and healthy and fit (working out, not eating whatever I wanted, etc)

My decision ultimately was, "NO! I don't want to be a FAT GUY!"

I got a personal trainer to teach me how to work out and lose weight. I got free weights and an elliptical. Get sensible about what I ate. And I'm a trim 185lbs now.

The best thing is the sex. My wife loves my hard body and literally can't keep her hands off me. It's better than when I was skinny because the muscles turn her on, and frankly me too. I'm still a little surprised in the shower when I soap up my shoulders because they're so much bigger than I'm used to.

Make yourself a 12 week commitment for a better body. Eat right 6 out of 7 days a week. DO an HOUR of cardio every day. Treadmill burns the most calories, but I think eliiptical is almost as good and is certainly easier on your joints. And lift weights to build muscle. Muscle BURNS calories so bigger muscles mean faster fat loss.

YOU CAN DO IT.

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Confessions of a Fat Spouse: How I happened

I read on the forum for this site that many fit spouses who are married to those that have become morbidly obese are, in addition to being angry and saddened by this, simply perplexed as to *how* it could happen. How can someone that used to be fit, or relatively so, let themselves go to the point that they are now a blob of soft, expansive flesh that is barely recognizable as the person they were before? I of course cannot address how every person who is obese makes this transition, but I can tell my story in hopes that it will possibly give some insights as to how the process might occur with other fat spouses.

I started out life on the heavy of normal according to most height/weight charts. During high school I weighed around 140 pounds, standing at 5'4. Looking back now I know that this wasn't horrible, but at the time I felt like I was huge. I was teased from time to time about my weight. I could see rolls of fat on my belly when I sat down. I would try various diets, do okay on them for a week or so, then have a voracity driven binge that would end the attempt. At a fairly young age I accepted that I was fat, and there wasn't much that I could do about it.

After I got out of high school and went about my life, my weight was fairly stable. I got married, I went to work, I went to college. I wasn't being teased about my weight like when I was the public education system. Happily married, with lots of friends, I was able to bury deep the sting of remarks about my size.

During this time, I didn't know how to drive. I had wanted to learn as a teen agar, of course, but my father was always much too busy to sit with me in the car when I had my learners permit, and I was too nervous to ask fellow classmates for help. Plus, I didn't really need to drive. I lived in a large city in California. There was a good public transit system, and also I could ride my ten-speed year round to most of the places I had to go. This held true after I got married as well. My husband and I were fairly poor, and getting a car wasn't a high fiscal priority.

All that changed when I took a job that was a two hour bus ride away, but only 30 minutes by car. I decided it was worth the effort to get my license and buy a car. I didn't really think about it at the time, but it was shortly after that I put my bicycle away, for good. I no longer spent a couple hours a day or more riding about town, I just hopped in the car and went. It saved time, of course, but I didn't change the way I was eating. I started putting on weight.

It took a while for this to really register with me. After all, as far as I was concerned, I was always fat. There were moments of clarity that I was getting bigger than I ever had been before; my clothes started getting much tighter. I had to buy new ones anyway because I now had an office job and had to look professional. It was surprisingly easy to ditch the old ones and get newer, larger sized without confronting myself on the fact that I was sliding downhill fast.

By the time I was in my mid thirties, I estimate I was around 240. I'm not sure because I never, ever weighed myself, and I was pretty good at avoiding having my picture taken as well. I do know that when I finally decided to take control of my body again at the age of 40, I weighed in at 258. Given that I'm fairly short, this meant I was class 3 morbidly obese, and overweight by approximately 120 pounds, with a BMI of 44.3. I was a very, very fat spouse.

All this is very good and well, but it raises the obvious question: what the hell was going on in my head that I let myself get like that? I believe it was a combination of things.

I already believed that I was fat. I believed that there was nothing I could do about it. After all, every time I had tried I had failed, and ended up getting fatter than before. I looked at the fact that my father is also obese, had never lost a pound for good either, and decided the cards were simply stacked against me.

I also was pretty deep in denial about how fat I actually was. As I said, I never really weighed myself. When I was forced to confront the facts when I ended up having to shop for 3X clothes, I felt on some level that there was some sort of mistake, that the salesperson would steer me away from the plus size section over to the normal side. I would look at other fat women, and say things to myself like "She's way fatter than me!" as if this somehow made a difference in my situation.

Then there was the issue that I simply liked my lifestyle. I liked eating fast food. I love chocolate and fried chicken and potato chips. I never really like exercising just for its own sake. I liked spending my free time surfing the Internet or playing computer games. I like watching TV. I didn't consider myself to be exceptionally lazy; I just didn't like doing activities that got me moving around instead of sitting around.

I was also becoming increasingly depressed about my weight. Denial can only go so far, and hopelessness was taking its toll. I absolutely hated being fat. I hated how I felt, how I looked. I hated that I no longer turned any man's head when I walked by. I hated that my husband seemed increasingly reluctant to touch my body. I was deeply ashamed of myself. Reaching for a bag of fatty or sugary empty calories was a way to make myself feel better, if only for the time I was shoving the useless calories down my throat.

None of this excuses the fact that I got very, very fat. I believe that the reality is that being very fat is at its heart a lifestyle choice. I'm just relating how, for a significant part of my life, this seemed like a reasonable and unavoidable choice to me. I'm Tealeaf, and I approve of this message.

"Tealeaf" posted this on the My Fat Spouse Forum

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Suffocating Others With Food

I have a problem with food. I know this. I don't buy dessert because I know I can't just have one. I can turn food down at work. But what's up with people who just won't take "no" for an answer? In my opinion, it should be considered very rude to offer something more than 4 times in the same minute to the same person. Some of these people will not stop no matter what. It happens all the time and it makes me angry as hell.

For example, today, another teacher and I were leading the foreign language remedial class. We took a break after an hour, and she offered everyone chocolate croissants. I said "no thanks" and took an orange instead. She WOULD NOT let it go. She kept pestering me and trying to talk me into it and poking that frigging chocolate croissant in my face. We must've went back and forth, offering-refusing, at least 12 times. All the students were staring at that point. I took it because I was embarrassed and felt our shared authority as adults going down. Worse yet, I told her I was trying really hard to lose weight and be healthier a few hours before when the subject randomly came up. As she was literally shoving that thing at me, she kept saying that it won't hurt me and that all I have to do is eat a lighter dinner and that I'm not fat anyway. What gets to me is that it happens all the time, everywhere.

Do these people think they are being nice? Why would you disrespect another person by stepping all over her personal choices and ignoring her wishes when it comes to her own body? She also made me take all the left over croissants home with me "because I am new in town and really need a treat". Again, she did it in front of the students so I took it silently. Threw them into the first garbage can on my way from school. What if I tried to force tobacco unto people?

I actually have taken to telling people things like, "I know what cake tastes like," or "I've eaten cookies before," as well as that old chesnut, "I don't need it - I'm sweet enough already!" paired with a big, cheesy smile.

I try not to get too upset about it. It seems like a weird, cultural thing here in the US, that food = love and that refusing food = refusing love.

If in your position, however, I might actually talk to the person in private sometime, tell her that while you feel her intent was to be nice, it actually made you feel bad and that she was being pushy, and that in the future you'd appreciate her taking no for an answer, and not pushing it on you like a crack dealer. A lot of people just don't understand that folks like us can't "just have one" without wanting 10 after it so we just avoid our trigger foods. Sugar is a huge trigger for me, so I avoid it. I've had coworkers try to force me to eat a donut. Sometimes I really do want a donut, too, but I have a hard time stopping once I've started. It's a huge thing, and a lot of people don't understand.



I actually used to be close to morbidly obese (over 200 lbs. at my heaviest and I'm 5 feet tall) so people who knew me then and are still obese I think have a harder time relating to me these days because so much about my attitude and philosophies has changed. I no longer nosh on junk with them or sit doing passive activities with them, because I hate sitting on my butt too long. I mean, I like to watch a movie or hockey game here and there (I love hockey and think it's the perfect marriage of athleticism and finesse), but I don't have movie-thons or sit and watch television or play video games all day anymore like I used to with some of my fatter friends. I still love my friends and they know the invitation is open should they want to come to the other side, lol...but I see less and less of these people because we have less and less in common anymore because of my life changes - I caught the bus and they haven't yet I suppose. I guess you could equate it to someone who has drinking buddies and stops or drastically cuts down their drinking - of course you would see less and hear less from the drinking buddies if they know you don't like to party hardy anymore...it also makes you see who your real friends are. Those who only had common activities with you and not much else.

Most of my family isn't hardcore about junk food - there IS junk food around at gatherings, but I've never had it pushed on me by my family if I didn't want to eat it. In fact there are at least a few relatives happy that I bring things like hummus and veggies or fruit plates to family potlucks so their digestive tracts won't be too clogged with cheese and grease later...hehe. It's always work/professional situations where I run into the junkfood pushers. Of course, these people don't actually know me in a personal sense so they have no idea what I've been through with all this...my disordered eating patterns over my lifetime, binges, self-loathing and depression...which is why I chose to change and still choose to keep those changes up. They don't appreciate all that someone like us has been through to reclaim our lives and say that food is for fuel, and we should feed ourselves what we NEED as opposed to always giving in to what we WANT. You know, self-discipline.

And I don't know about you guys, but as someone who has been a bad-food consumer and then cut it out, I find that I feel like CRAP if I eat more than just a tiny bit of it anyway. To these people they think it's all about me not liking how I look, so give the stupid little "slimming tips" like "eat a lighter dinner." Compared to what these people probably normally eat for dinner, my dinner is already pretty damn light! I would rather eat REAL food and feel fully satisfied nutritionally (and as we all know it makes a huge difference) than eat crap and skimp on real food later to make up for the calories...

Also, I do allow myself a small indulgence here and there, but I like it to be on my terms, so that I can both control how much and when, but also indulge in something I really LIKE as well. It's planned, it's controlled by ME, and I like any dessert I indulge in to be high-quality (made from all-natural ingredients, no HFCS, preservatives, etc...like a freshly made piece of pie from the health food store's bakery for instance instead of a stupid donut or pastry from the supermarket which is loaded with artificial crap).


This post was cobbled together using bits and pieces from this thread on the My Fat Spouse forum.

25 More Motivations

1. To not be the f*ttest Mom at school.
2. I don’t want to think that everyone wonders why my healthy hubby is with a f*t woman.
3. I don’t want diabetes, GERD, incontinence, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, etc...
4. I want to tuck my shirts in my pants, not my belly.
5. To not get out of breathe during s*x.
6. To get ready for church without trying on 3 outfits that all make me look f*t.
7. To not waddle when I walk
8. To be able to bend over to pick up something, not squat
9. To not wake up with a back ache
10. For my hubby to be able to wrap his arms around me
11. To shave/wax bikini area without having to move things out of the way
12. I don’t want my tummy to flop when I run
13. I want to go br*less with pride
14. I want to share clothes with my daughter when she is a teen
15. I want to weigh less than my hubby
16. I don’t want to rely on food to ease my moods
17. I want the rest of my body (hair/skin/nails) to reflect how healthy I am
18. So my b**bs are not a chin rest
19. I want to post a picture of myself on Facebook, not just pictures of my kids
20. I want a cute belly button, where is that thing?
21. I want to be able to see my hip bones
22. I don’t want cellulite
23. I want a flat tummy
24. I don’t want family to be afraid to buy me clothes as gifts
25. I want a smooth back, with no ‘br* fat’

The pain of the addiction has to be greater than the pleasure before one is motivated to change

I read this website for motivation to lose weight

Let me start by saying that I'm still overweight.  I'm 5'0 and weigh just under 150 lbs...but 5 and a 1/2 months ago I weighed just under 200 lbs.  I've gone from a size 18 to a size 10 and a lot of my weight is from muscle, as I'm currently training for a 5k.  My plan is to get down to around 125, which is a very health weight for my body type (yes, I'm curvy in the sense that I have a big chest and hips and small waist...but no rolls!). My husband is tall and athletic and I find him exceedingly attractive.  We've only been married 3 years but honestly, I'd gained most of the weight while we were dating and before he proposed to me.  Still, I've always known that he prefers thinner, fitter women and it has always bothered me that I wasn't his feminine ideal even though he fell in love with me for many of my other attributes. When I started reading this website it broke my heart because I knew that my husband probably felt the same as many of you, but was too kind to say anything.  Of course, there are a couple of men on this site (no names necessary I'm guessing) who are disgusting pigs undeserving of a woman's love...but the majority of people on this site seem to be here seeking help in a desperate situation. I'm only writing this in case I can help someone else who's struggling, so I'm going to list what's helped me get to where I am today.  

Hypnosis:
On Dateline they pitted six different diets against each other and the guy using Tom Nicoli's weight loss hypnosis CDs lost more (and kept it off) than all the others.  I don't know *why* it works, I just know that it does...I listen to mine on my ipod at night, 3-4 nights a week.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy:   CBT can work miracles. It is the only talk therapy that's proven to achieve long lasting results with changing unhealthy behaviors such as smoking or over eating.  If you don't have a CBT practitioner in your area, I suggest getting the book "The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think like a Thin Person".

For me, my weight gain started with an injury that led to chronic pain and depression which only worsened as my weight went up and up.  But don't get me wrong, I wasn't this thin athletic person before my injury, I've *always* had trouble with my weight.  I would diet like crazy only to give up and gain the weight back, plus some because I had a destructive relationship with food and didn't know how to change. What's different about this time is the CBT.  It retrains your brain so that your relationship with food is different. It is still *incredibly* difficult for me to lose weight.  I have to exercise and restrict my calories, I have to give up a lot of my favorite foods...but the CBT helps me see the advantages of doing so.  It's all about *choice*.  Instead of thinking "It's not fair I *can't* have pizza"...we learn to reframe the situation "I really love eating pizza but I *choose* not to because I know I'll end up eating too much and feel sick.  It's not worth it to me." It may seem like a minor difference, but how we think about food is key to gaining control over it. For the record, when I was fat(ter) I still loved my husband.  I wasn't trying to be disrespectful to him or his love but not taking care of myself...and I wasn't lazy.  Food was/is an addiction just like an alcoholic's relationship to alcohol, and yes, it often *is* biological.  Try to forgive your spouse for getting fat.  They probably aren't doing it out of spite and I'm guessing they aren't happy about it no matter how it appears to you.

Being fat sucks!

One thing I did with my husband was write him a letter telling him *exactly* how he could help me such as:


 "give me hugs when you see I'm struggling"
 "don't criticize me if I'm eating something not on my plan"
 "give me attention when you see I'm making an extra effort with my appearance"

etc.

I also told him I'd need to spend some money related to my fitness plan and that he needed to be OK with that.  I bought new work out clothes, bras, walking shoes (shape-ups), food scale, water bottles, etc.

Here are some things I've learned through my extensive research on the subject of weight loss:

Drink lots of water.  I have a 27 ounce canteen and I drink at the very least, two of them everyday.  

Get enough sleep, at least 8 hours a night.  

The best exercise for fat burning is those that engage your slow twitch muscles...such as paced walking.  Walking has helped me burn more fat than all of my previous expensive work outs (eliptical, kick boxing, step aerobics, etc.) that engage medium and fast twitch muscles that don't burn fat as much.  

Weigh and measure your food in the beginning and log what you eat so you get a better idea of portions.  Try to mostly eat stuff that isn't made with flour or sugar.

That's about it.  I drink water, get a full night's rest, eat lots of healthy protein, fiber, carbs, and fat, walk about 4-5 times a week (only recently I've started training for a race).

What my husband has done to support me is:

Flirted with me, treated me like a sexy woman even before I got there.  He noticed any time I made an effort (by wearing a coordinated outfit, curling my hair, putting on make-up, using sexy linger, etc.).  

He was kind and helpful without being manipulative.  He never compared me to other women.  Never openly checked out other women in front of me or tried to make me feel jealous or threatened by another woman.  

He told me repeatedly how much he loved me.  Is appreciative of all the things I do for him.  

Does some of the cooking and grocery shopping (healthy food only) and some of the cleaning so I always have clean pots and pans for making healthy dinners etc.

He doesn't order buttered movie popcorn in front of me when we go out to the movies.  Doesn't bring home pizza or ice cream or other foods not on my plan.  

Makes suggestions for us to do fun, physical things together, like walks on the beach or skiing.  

Doesn't make me feel guilty if I want to take it easy and watch TV or read a book at night sometimes.  

Builds me up in front of his parents and friends.  Brags about me to everyone (but not about my weight loss because I've asked him not to).

I've read on here already that you can't MAKE your partner lose weight.  They have to decide to do it on their own.  I made the decision on my own, even though my main motivation was for my husband.  I don't know if that would have ever happened if I'd felt pressured by him.  I had to believe that he loved me first.  Those of you who call your spouse a fatling obviously have no respect for your spouse and they are probably well aware of that fact.  Don't feel that you owe yourself an affair...that is the liar's way out.  If you have no love or desire for your spouse and have given up on helping them regain fitness...then do them a favor and be honest with them and get a divorce.

Thanks for listening!

posted by

Chris 

on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum  

When Your Partner is Supportive

This is such a complex issue and I almost hesitate to post. You are all complete strangers. I hope you don't think that I am one of those self centered people who think that the world will be fascinated with my life or me in general. My struggles are nothing unique. I am here because I am at a loss and the frustration is just building and building. I hope a fresh pair of eyes can help me put things in perspective.

*past

In great shape until I was 16ish. Sports, country life and military school saw to that. (overshare but important for perspective) I was raped at military school and sent home. I was put in one of those locked down facilities for troubled teens because my mom was unable to deal with it. I never had any drug or delinquency issues or anything.

Point being is that I went from an almost insane amount of activity to NOTHING. I had just ran the bataan memorial death march with my troop which was a 26 mile marathon through the middle of the desert with full bdus and a ruck sack at 15 years old.

The locked down facility was just that. You were stuck in a tiny tiny room and the only exercise available was during brief dodge ball or similar games. I wasn't really mature enough to understand that exercise=weight loss so I didn't work out in my little room. The food was also crap. I went from a very muscular size 6 to a size 12 in about 9 months.

After that I slowly gained weight. Not much until I went to college and kinda ballooned. I have trouble with self discipline and would eat pizza instead of healthy meals. Add a ton of stress due to family stuff and I was probably about a size 14 when life was uprooted again and I found myself in Florida.

The weird thing is my legs and butt never lost their shape. My arms are still the same. But I gained weight around the belly. 100% of it is there. (PLEASE if anyone can tell me WHY!!??...) I wish that it could have been more distributed. I have to wear clothing way to big for my body in order to accommodate the weird shape. I guess the point of all this is I am not making excuses for my weight gain it was 100% my fault but I just wanted to point out a few things before I started with the issue at hand.

I have had serious issues since moving here that have made my activity level plummet.

*It is HOT and humid and I find myself inside at almost all times to avoid the sun. I used to be outdoors often hiking or just hanging out in general. I don't mind being uncomfortable but my skin is like porcelain. I cant help but see all the leather type skin damage that is so prevalent here. I am almost overly paranoid about getting skin cancer or my skin getting all messed up.

*I don't drive. The only thing I'm afraid of so that makes it nearly impossible to find activities that I enjoy and are not specifically for weight loss

*I have joined two separate gyms. First was the ladies fitness express (curves) and it was bullshit. I didn't even bother to go after the first few weeks. Second was LA fitness. the problem with that was I had to wait a good 2 hours after working out for my ride to come (on top of the 30 min drive both ways) and I guess that zapped my motivation. Once again this is NOT an excuse. A truly motivated person could have easily made that into a positive.

* I have quit smoking several times and generally gain between 5-10 pounds per attempt.

And finally the matter at hand. My boyfriend is VERY supportive of me losing weight (obsessive really). Well that was the first two gym memberships anyway. A 24 hour fitness center opened up literally down the block and I was very excited. Real gym and something I could get to myself and he didn't need to be involved. I wouldn't need to wait at all afterwards and could work out whenever I wanted to! (getting rid of that pesky issue of self hatred and having to lose weight for someone else to find me attractive)

Well instead of the hopefully optimistic response I was expecting he started in with the "what's the point you're just going to quit anyway" type of stuff. Well I wont get into that argument because I think that's beyond the spectrum of this forum. What all this is leading up to is how much he and I differ on what we believe will help me lose weight.

He seems to think that because I am fat and he is skinny as a rail that he is healthier. This has led to many arguments over everything including diet and exercise. I am not saying its his fault. He does not shove food in my mouth or tie me to the bed (no not that way you pervs lol) and keep me from exercising. I SHOULD have the self control to just ignore the crap food.

He eats nothing but red meat, burgers, crappy diner food and CANDY. Its not uncommon for him to eat candy for dinner followed by various frozen highly processed pastries. This followed by a day or two of eating nothing. Like I said he is rail thin. Of course his teeth are rotting and at 29 he looks like he is 35 but he insists he's fine. Diabetes anyone? *sighs* He is pretty active so I guess He stays in physical shape. Well as much as one can without getting enough vitamins.

See I'm one of those out of site out of mind people. If there is no junk around I honestly don't even think about it. Except for that ice cream craving once a month I really don't want to eat anything bad. Even then give me the option of ice cream or a nice platter of various cut up fruit and Ill choose the fruit happily. But damnit when you live with someone who brings in so much crap its hard to have the self discipline to cook a healthy meal when you are famished. Its so much easier to grab some processed fast cook crap then the broccoli. Plus I am just learning how to cook. Its slow going.

Calories in vs. Calories out by WuKong

I think someone here recommended the site everydayhealth.com. I've been using it to gain weight. I am solidifying my theory that it is just as difficult to gain weight as it is to lose weight. The reason being - it is difficult to change one's lifestyle. Of course it's easy to gain unhealthy weight by eating crap food; easy because it takes less self control to eat unhealthy. So, to rephrase, it is difficult to change one's lifestyle and difficult to eat healthily.

Back on topic. This is my goal and experiment. I'm using the principle of calories in vs. calories out to gain weight. I started this process on 1/9/10. Here are my comparison stats:

1/9/10
Height: 5'10
Weight: 155 lbs

2/14/10
Height: 5'10
Weight: 160 lbs

So, I have averaged a gain of 1 lb per week. My end goal is 185 lbs.

I have found that it is very difficult to healthily consume ~3,000 calories in a day. Part of the reason is because I have found that it is also very difficult to healthily consume 1,000+ in a single meal.

My typical breakfast is 2 packets of instant oatmeal. - ~320 calories.

That means my next two meals would have to be over 1,300 calories each.

To help lower that need, I have added a morning stack to my routine, which is typically either a granola bar or some trail mix. The granola bar gives me ~200 calories and the trail mix (depending on how much I consume) give me ~280 calories. So, that puts my morning or breakfast calories between 520 - 600 calories. That still leaves me with ~2,400 calories to consume, or ~1,200 for each remaining two meals.

For lunch, I either eat leftovers or typically I eat 2 peanut butter and honey sandwiches on wheat bread. Each sandwich is approx. 350 calories, totaling ~700 calories. So, as you can see, 2 of my daily 3 meals make small dents in the amount I need to consume for the day. Typically leaving me with a daunting task of putting together a very high calorie meal for dinner. Unless I eat left overs (which you'll find out what those typically are when I go into my dinner), I am left with ~1,700 calories to consume in a single meal; nearly 2,000 calories!!!

There's two meals that I have found help with this the most - spaghetti w/ meat sauce and nachos. Spaghetti is approx. 300 calories per .75 cup. (I use wheat noodles) So, I have to consume at least 5X .75 cups. That's a LOT of spaghetti and I have a hard time downing pastas. It often and easily triggers gag reflexes in me. Nachos (meat, beans, cheese, tomatoes and lettuce) are approx. 1,500 calories.

On top of consuming enough, I am helping my health but, hurting my consumption by exercising 5 days a week. I've done P90X, ken po but, typically I lift weights. Lifting weights burns approx. 200 calories in 30 minutes.

So, the stats simplified out:

Breakfast +~600 calories
Lunch +~700 calories
Dinner +~1,500 calories
Subtotal ~2,800 calories
Exercise -~200 calories
Total ~2,600 calories

What has helped me most is dinner and then leftovers of dinner. As you can see, this has been very difficult. I now KNOW that if I wasn't tracking my calories, I would NOT be eating enough calories and thus would NOT be gaining weight to make it to my goal. So, it is VERY important to track one's calories when making a lifestyle change and achieving a weight gain or loss goal.

For those tracking their calories, I get it! It is difficult but, I enjoy it because it makes it very clear to me where I stand and what I need to do. Good luck to those making changes.

I may or may not update more on this post.

Wu Kong Posted this on the My Fat Spouse Forum

Diet Junk Food by Chris

When traveling down the isles of of the grocery store it is hard not to notice the huge influx of what should be called "diet junk food." Previously diet food meant bland, or barely edible low calorie food. Diet snacks used to mean something akin to a styro-foam textured rice cakes, or a half the flavor and half the calories baked potato chip. Recently the food marketers have discovered that by simply shaving a few calories off of a cookie, or dropping a gram or two of fat out of a rich ice cream treat,
they can label their food as a "healthy alternative" to regular snacks. Apparently the average consumer, anxious to give the appearance of eating right but not wanting to sacrifice anything in doing so, will snap this cleverly marketed junk food right up.

The diet junk food I observed during my recent trip to the grocery store consisted of three categories. The first was the 100 calorie portion size. The second was the deceptively labeled "lean" or "low fat" product. The final one was the just plain disgusting junk, put under a label like "healthy choice."



The hundred calorie portion bag isn't a bad thing at first glance. But it relies on an asset few obese people have. This asset is called "self discipline." If a person has a great deal of self discipline, a "100 calorie" bag of chips is a nice treat during the day. Unfortunately an obese spouse will consume several 100 calorie bags all day long. When someone asks about their consumption of Doritos while on their "diet", they will pipe up, "These are only 100 calorie bags." What these fat people fail to understand is that three one hundred calorie bags of Doritos requires a half hour of intense exercise on an elliptical to work off! Not to mention that a hundred calorie bag of Cheetos is still a 100 empty calories. Oreos are crap whether they come out of a 100 calorie bag or not!

Setting Up Your Spouse for Success by Ms. Fatty

I posted a little about this on my blog today: http://www.msfatty.com/how-do-you-deal-when-extreme-hunger-strikes/

I have spent more time in the past punishing and shaming myself than my spouse has. At any rate, the puritan philosophy of "punishment and shame" really only sets fattys up for failure. I see this in my own life.

What you want to do is set your spouse up for success. In my house this means the skinny spouse has to store his snacks in his room or go out for pizza or whatever, because our kitchen is designed for health and wellness, it is designed for success.

It's practically impossible for me to fail on my diet at home (and I don't eat out but less than once a month).

6 months ago I set myself up for success with quitting smoking by getting one of those e-cigs. haven't touched tobacco since then. Quitting was practically painless. I've tried to quit multiple times. The e-cig really does set up the smoker for quitting success. :-)

I applied this to my kitchen. It's now a virtually painless environment for me. There's barks, twigs, seaweeds, tofu, whole wheat bread, brown rice, etc. If a hunger pang strikes, I'm set up for success not to go over 300 extra calories on top of my 800-900 a day.

I also feel that the very low calorie diet has set me up for success, retraining my brain to accept less food.

Just my opinion here... would like to see everyones spouses succeed! :-)

Ms. Fatty posted this on the My Fat Spouse Forum