Husband in Denial

I just noticed this site this morning. Thank you! It is like a gift to find others whom have the same struggles as I do. People dont understand what it is like to have an obese partner unless they walk in your shoes.

I've been married now for 2 years. (Been married previously to a man I was attracted to, he passed away. I am 42) When I met my husband he was overweight and I just told myself he has a big heart that is "what matters" He was overweight at that time and it was tolerable. He had showed me pics of when he had been obese in the past and I flat told him if you were that weight now I would never have dated you. He is there now. I would guess he weighs close to 375-400 lbs.
Even though I know he is my husband, I should love him for who he is, it still is hard to deal with.

I have had a serious talk with him. He got angry and made comments back about my weight etc. Yes I am overweight but not to his extreme. "I" fit in seats, I dont break furniture, I try to have a
healthy lifestyle by walking and being aware of what I eat. He did reply later that he would try to lose weight for the family but it had to be his decision, in his time.....well that time still hasnt happened and
months later I still see him ballooning.

I can't even get close to him anymore, I see him in his underwear and just get sick to my stomach. Please understand there is a difference between obese layers of fat hanging and what some of those on this site complain about 20 lbs. I could live with 50 lbs overweight.... this is just inexcusable.

It is embarrasing to travel because he doesnt fit in airline seats and needs an extension, he can bareley get in a car and I just cringe every time we are in public just seeing his efforts to get in places, not be able to sit in chairs or being worried they will break or seeing all his clothes get ripped out. He has to walk slow because of his legs rubbing together, it is frustrating to me in airports etc because I am a fast walker.

It is difficult to make love because I dont want to touch all the fat. Because of his weight it is hard to have sex (and side effects...) He acts like it is my fault, like I dont like sex, how do I tell him it is because of the way he looks? It is just much easier when you are attracted to your partner (I know from past experience)

He is a good dad and husband otherwise so I feel like a shmuck even talking about this but I thought maybe this would be a place where others would understand, be in my position, and be able to offer me suggestions and encouragement. I am not happy being in a marriage that there is not that intimate connection.... but I hate the thought of leaving for that reason only. (Plus I dont want to put my boys through another loss)

Help!

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Expert Opinions

I found this question posted at

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Questions-Marriage-Husband-864/Morbidly-Obese-wife.htm

Question

We have been married for 11 years. She always talks about doing something about her wieght/health issues, but never does. We have 3 children and I once loved her. After years of watching her harm herself and blame me or the kids for things not going right, I'm really sick of it. I don't risk bringing any sensative subject up at all. She does as little as possible at all costs. From the day we married she constantly questioned my fidelity, which I've never broken. My children are 7,8 and 9 years old when it's time to clean house--they do it all while she directs from the couch! I suppose I could go on but but there's no point. Basically, no matter what I do to hopefully make things better, they get worse. I not only feel like an utter failure, I also feel as if my life is wasting away. Could you lend me your perspective? 

Sound familiar? I thought the answer was in many ways a breath of fresh air.

Answer

Dear Ken,

First off, morbid obesity is not only a physical health issue, it is a mental health issue. Despite how much you and the children love her, she does not feel fulfilled unless she is filled. The seeds of eating to self medicate were sown long before you met her. She finds comfort in food. This addiction to eating has reached the point where she has become physically incapable of normal movement. Being able to intimidate you and direct the children to clean the house while she reigns from the couch is powerfully manipulative behaviour. Addicts are masters at manipulation of others, they just find themselves unable to manipulate (motivate) themselves into more positive behaviours.
Your wife needs the help of a mental health professional. She obviously will not seek this for herself, so you will have to do what you can to attempt to get her on the road to recovery. Be hopeful but be prepared to run up against a brick wall. Unless she is miserable enough to want to effect change in herself she will refuse any and all help.
You have the right and the responsibility to get her a complete physical check-up. You have the right to consult with her primary physician. You have the responsibility to discuss a mental evaluation in regard to your wife's obese condition and any other emotional symptoms that effect you and the children. You do not have the right to force a commitment if your wife refuses to enter a program for personal rehabilitation.
If your wife is in a state of denial and refuses to seek medical help you have the right, as a father and a human being, to do what you feel is best for your children and yourself. If that means filing for divorce and custody than that is what you must do. (As a personal note: I urge you not to leave the children with your wife, request custody as it will impact the children in a dangerously negative way if you leave them in the care of a mother who is not capable physically of looking after them).
So, first get some sound medical guidance. If she is uncoopertive about this then you should have no qualms about seeking legal advice to dissolve the marriage.
Best wishes,

Sandy

Yeah, I know any idiot can search the web for this stuff, but isn't it nice to have somebody like me out there doing it for you? Isn't nice to have it all bundled up here at MFS? In any case this little Q & A got me thinking. How many of us have been to the doctor with our spouses, checked the medications, asked questions. I may have trotted this out before, but if your spouse had a broken leg or severe depression or god forbid, cancer wouldn't you be going to the doctor's office with her. I know people who are married to somebody with Arthritis who, I'm ashamed to say, spend more time on their spouse's health than I do. They read up on all the meds, insist that their spouse do what the physical therapist tells them to do...I realize obesity is not Arthritis and if your dealing with a smoker or an Arthritic nagging is rarely effective, but taking an active role in mitigating the effects of a serious health issue is a spouse's responsibility. I have to admit, I could take a far more active role in mu own situation. My wife is being treated and seen for a variety of medical conditions. I'm not familiar with all the medications, but she seems to stay on top of it and gets pretty regular checkups. The denial is still there though. Depression and obesity dance around each other or should I say lie on the couch together wrapped up in each others arms wondering what time it is.

When Your Partner is Supportive

This is such a complex issue and I almost hesitate to post. You are all complete strangers. I hope you don't think that I am one of those self centered people who think that the world will be fascinated with my life or me in general. My struggles are nothing unique. I am here because I am at a loss and the frustration is just building and building. I hope a fresh pair of eyes can help me put things in perspective.

*past

In great shape until I was 16ish. Sports, country life and military school saw to that. (overshare but important for perspective) I was raped at military school and sent home. I was put in one of those locked down facilities for troubled teens because my mom was unable to deal with it. I never had any drug or delinquency issues or anything.

Point being is that I went from an almost insane amount of activity to NOTHING. I had just ran the bataan memorial death march with my troop which was a 26 mile marathon through the middle of the desert with full bdus and a ruck sack at 15 years old.

The locked down facility was just that. You were stuck in a tiny tiny room and the only exercise available was during brief dodge ball or similar games. I wasn't really mature enough to understand that exercise=weight loss so I didn't work out in my little room. The food was also crap. I went from a very muscular size 6 to a size 12 in about 9 months.

After that I slowly gained weight. Not much until I went to college and kinda ballooned. I have trouble with self discipline and would eat pizza instead of healthy meals. Add a ton of stress due to family stuff and I was probably about a size 14 when life was uprooted again and I found myself in Florida.

The weird thing is my legs and butt never lost their shape. My arms are still the same. But I gained weight around the belly. 100% of it is there. (PLEASE if anyone can tell me WHY!!??...) I wish that it could have been more distributed. I have to wear clothing way to big for my body in order to accommodate the weird shape. I guess the point of all this is I am not making excuses for my weight gain it was 100% my fault but I just wanted to point out a few things before I started with the issue at hand.

I have had serious issues since moving here that have made my activity level plummet.

*It is HOT and humid and I find myself inside at almost all times to avoid the sun. I used to be outdoors often hiking or just hanging out in general. I don't mind being uncomfortable but my skin is like porcelain. I cant help but see all the leather type skin damage that is so prevalent here. I am almost overly paranoid about getting skin cancer or my skin getting all messed up.

*I don't drive. The only thing I'm afraid of so that makes it nearly impossible to find activities that I enjoy and are not specifically for weight loss

*I have joined two separate gyms. First was the ladies fitness express (curves) and it was bullshit. I didn't even bother to go after the first few weeks. Second was LA fitness. the problem with that was I had to wait a good 2 hours after working out for my ride to come (on top of the 30 min drive both ways) and I guess that zapped my motivation. Once again this is NOT an excuse. A truly motivated person could have easily made that into a positive.

* I have quit smoking several times and generally gain between 5-10 pounds per attempt.

And finally the matter at hand. My boyfriend is VERY supportive of me losing weight (obsessive really). Well that was the first two gym memberships anyway. A 24 hour fitness center opened up literally down the block and I was very excited. Real gym and something I could get to myself and he didn't need to be involved. I wouldn't need to wait at all afterwards and could work out whenever I wanted to! (getting rid of that pesky issue of self hatred and having to lose weight for someone else to find me attractive)

Well instead of the hopefully optimistic response I was expecting he started in with the "what's the point you're just going to quit anyway" type of stuff. Well I wont get into that argument because I think that's beyond the spectrum of this forum. What all this is leading up to is how much he and I differ on what we believe will help me lose weight.

He seems to think that because I am fat and he is skinny as a rail that he is healthier. This has led to many arguments over everything including diet and exercise. I am not saying its his fault. He does not shove food in my mouth or tie me to the bed (no not that way you pervs lol) and keep me from exercising. I SHOULD have the self control to just ignore the crap food.

He eats nothing but red meat, burgers, crappy diner food and CANDY. Its not uncommon for him to eat candy for dinner followed by various frozen highly processed pastries. This followed by a day or two of eating nothing. Like I said he is rail thin. Of course his teeth are rotting and at 29 he looks like he is 35 but he insists he's fine. Diabetes anyone? *sighs* He is pretty active so I guess He stays in physical shape. Well as much as one can without getting enough vitamins.

See I'm one of those out of site out of mind people. If there is no junk around I honestly don't even think about it. Except for that ice cream craving once a month I really don't want to eat anything bad. Even then give me the option of ice cream or a nice platter of various cut up fruit and Ill choose the fruit happily. But damnit when you live with someone who brings in so much crap its hard to have the self discipline to cook a healthy meal when you are famished. Its so much easier to grab some processed fast cook crap then the broccoli. Plus I am just learning how to cook. Its slow going.