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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

At first I was appalled by the My Fat Spouse forum

At first I was appalled by the rude comments and impolite posts I read on the My Fat Spouse forum posts. The referral of overweight individuals as "fat asses" or just "fat" in general, lowered the credibility of this site as being a true refuge and forum for the other spouse. I didn't want to visit a site that bashed overweight people, but that provided constructive solutions to not only help me deal with the fact my spouse is overweight, but suggestions to promote weight loss.

The reply post by "keep making excuses" gave me another perspective that both husband and wife, regardless of who has the weight problem, are both victims in the situation. The weight problem is both their problem because it affects both people. And although "Moods" comments were not politically correct, nonetheless, he/she should still have a forum or a place to vent their frustrations candidly and without judgement. We have a voice too!!! And with year after year passing with the only change are the scales tipping as the pounds increase and wardrobe gets bigger (in size that is), you do reach a point where you don't know what the F**k to do. You can't force your spouse to lose weight and handcuff them to a treadmill. So instead you try to remain patient and wait for a miracle to occur of this lightbulb to go off in their head for them to wake up see the life they are missing. But until that day arrives, you, or I should say.... I am left with a cloud of shallow guilt of wanting a thinner sexy spouse.

One thing I can take from this sight is that my desires for a healthier slimmer spouse is not shallow or fueled by our media influenced culture. It reaffirmed that my desires are healthy and justified. I wish I knew what to do though. It is one thing to be right, but it doesn't change anything. I love her too much to leave, but I can't see myself continuing down this path for the rest of my life. We both deserve to be happy and at times I wish I had a fat fetish so she could feel desired. I sometimes think that I may be blocking her from finding someone who fully supports the Fat Acceptance Movement or just likes big women. Someone who will make her feel desired and loved just the way she is. Someone who will encourage her to be herself and not change to fit a societal mold. For 7 years I have tried to convinence myself I could be that person, but with an ulterior motive: That the none existence of stress to loose weight to keep your spouse or make them happy, would free or motivate her to lose weight. That because she is loved by someone unconditionally (whatever that means these days), she will love herself enough to improve her life and health by losing weight. Or am I just delusional?

Unconditional Love?

What does that mean? Despite me not having any desire for my wife doesn't mean I don't love her or does it. Is it possible to love someone unconditionally and not want to have sex with them? I dont' know if this is a good analogy or if it applies or if there are different types of love, but I love my parents unconditionally. I would never abandone them for any reason. And to put it back into the realm of marriage, is sex a factor of unconditional love?

posted by "guilted husband" on the My Fat Spouse forum

2 comments:

  1. THats a tough one. I just left a marriage where the sex was horrible. Toward the end, nonexistent. We were like roommates, but afer 18 years, the hostility over sex, or lack of it, grew. Neither one of us was overweight, on the contrary, we both look fabulous for being 47. My issue in that marriage was he was abusive and I should have left years ago.
    Now that the divorce is final, I have reconnected with my highschool sweetheart. We get along great. I love him so much. The problem is that he is morbidly obese. I tried to ignore it and the sex was better than I had with an abusive man. But to get through it I had to keep my eyes shut and never touch any body parts that grossed me out. I just recently had to take a break from him. Sexually, it hit bottom for me. I had to admit that I could not have another relationship with a man I could not touch: the first, because of the mental anguish, and the second because of the physical repulsion. I tried. I really tried. I really love this man, but I cannot have another "rommate" like existence with a significant other. If you can, great. I share your feelings on loving all the rest of the person unconditionally. "Love the person, hate the fat." I just couldnt do it anymore. Again, if you can, great. I had to struggle with feelings of being shallow, too. Its so very sad. Otherwise I would have married him. Everything else was perfect. But I was tormented everyday by not being able to show my affection physically. THis I recognize is what leads a person to have affairs. Not good. Well, good luck. I have no advise for you. Rather, perhaps was just filling my own needs to vent.

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