Inside the Head of a Fat Wife

This fat acceptance blogger is contemplating divorce, because there are "issues" in her marriage. Somewhere around the halfway marker of her entry she says what you already suspect: the "issue" is that her husband can't accept her weight (and "issues with cyber-fidelity" I take to mean that he seeks refuge in porn), and since she joined the FA she has stopped dieting and her husband is worried that she'll keep getting even fatter.

http://randomquorum.wordpress.com/2009/06/02/how-do-you-know-when-its-time-to-divorce/

It's very obvious that the way she sees it, the problem is all with her husband's attitude and losing the weight is not an option. She'd rather divorce her man than ever attempt a diet again. She seems convinced that dieting is dangerous and detrimental to her health, but for my part I'd bet all I have lock, stock and barrel that no amount of evidence in the form of new studies proving that even repeated yo-yo dieting is not a health-hazard would convince her that losing weight might be a good idea after all. The discomfort of going on a diet is a definite no-no and food comes first.

I don't know what to make of it and I'm sort of speechless really, how can it be that food and eating is worth more than saving a good marriage - and can you really get more self-centered and "shallow" than that? Satisfying your immediate physical needs (cravings for food, distaste for exercise) comes before anything and everything else, and you need to get rid of anyone who attempts to come between you and your dinner so to speak.

Why is the most simple and obvious solution so completely out of the question?



A quote (the author replying to a comment), it's about how her husband is dealing with the issue:

He does seem to want to get over it, but he’s back and forth a lot. I’m not sure he’s getting over it so much as learning to keep his mouth shut more often, although he does say that he really is getting better and that it genuinely doesn’t bother him most of the time. So, yeah, I’m not really sure. It seems now to be a lot of “I can deal with how you are now although you’re still kinda fat but I’m terrified that you will get even fatter in the future and if you’re not dieting now then you certainly will”. He can be really good for a month or more and then all of a sudden he will just go into a mood for a day or two (or more) until he tells me that he’s worried and then he’s fine again (and sleeps like a baby – unlike me who becomes distant and depressed and stops sleeping! how unfair).

And my mum is very fat, so I think he’s afraid I’ll end up like her, and if I do then who knows what will happen. IMO it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world – I love my mum and think she’s awesome and I don’t really notice her fat, but as he’s told me once, he’d rather be dead than me gain 30kgs, so yeah. Who knows.

I don't think there is such a thing as an effortlessly lean and athletic middle-aged individual. It takes hard work and dedication, period. I've been following the debate on Randomquorum, and they now unisonely agree that the husband is abusive, even though the author said he seems to try hard not to bring the subject up, and, if I got it right, only wants her to promise she'll try not to become severely obese like her mother. Somewhat depressingly, a woman who claims to be a professional counselor shares this general opinion.

I don't get this "abuse" -thing. Sure, I'm aware that there are plenty of abusive men out there and they will use a woman's insecurities about her looks and body to control her and destroy her confidence. However, that doesn't mean that every husband who has a wish regarding his wife's appearance is automatically abusive and controlling. I'd say many wives have an opinion on the husband's dress-sense and haircut, and maybe would object if he decided to grow a beard and a moustache, or shave his head or maybe grow a pony-tail and get himself some tattoos. It's hardly abusive to have an opinion regarding those, nor is the husband a victim of abuse if he respects his wife's wishes regarding his looks and style.

For instance, my husband likes me with a certain hairstyle, so even though I might like to try something different I haven't done it because he wouldn't like it - it's no big deal and there's no pressure either way. I just know what he likes and am fine with that. I'd also like to take my fat-percentage down a couple of notches as a challenge and in order to see what the result would be (and I'd like to know if I could ever compete in fitness/figure in my age-group), but my husband tends to complain if I get any leaner and wouldn't be happy having me take on that degree of obsession with workouts & diet, so I probably won't do it. Nothing abusive there either, it's just the kind of compromising you do in a relationship.

So, what I fail to see is, why would a perfectly decent man be labelled an abusive jerk just because he happens to have a preference regarding his wife's looks (which inevitably includes body size)? Just having such a wish and preference (within reason, not anorexic/severely obese or anything else obviously unhealthy) can hardly be wrong. It only becomes abusive if he tries to forcibly impose his wishes, like with verbally and/or physically threatening behavior, destructive manipulation etc.