At first I was appalled by the My Fat Spouse forum

At first I was appalled by the rude comments and impolite posts I read on the My Fat Spouse forum posts. The referral of overweight individuals as "fat asses" or just "fat" in general, lowered the credibility of this site as being a true refuge and forum for the other spouse. I didn't want to visit a site that bashed overweight people, but that provided constructive solutions to not only help me deal with the fact my spouse is overweight, but suggestions to promote weight loss.

The reply post by "keep making excuses" gave me another perspective that both husband and wife, regardless of who has the weight problem, are both victims in the situation. The weight problem is both their problem because it affects both people. And although "Moods" comments were not politically correct, nonetheless, he/she should still have a forum or a place to vent their frustrations candidly and without judgement. We have a voice too!!! And with year after year passing with the only change are the scales tipping as the pounds increase and wardrobe gets bigger (in size that is), you do reach a point where you don't know what the F**k to do. You can't force your spouse to lose weight and handcuff them to a treadmill. So instead you try to remain patient and wait for a miracle to occur of this lightbulb to go off in their head for them to wake up see the life they are missing. But until that day arrives, you, or I should say.... I am left with a cloud of shallow guilt of wanting a thinner sexy spouse.

One thing I can take from this sight is that my desires for a healthier slimmer spouse is not shallow or fueled by our media influenced culture. It reaffirmed that my desires are healthy and justified. I wish I knew what to do though. It is one thing to be right, but it doesn't change anything. I love her too much to leave, but I can't see myself continuing down this path for the rest of my life. We both deserve to be happy and at times I wish I had a fat fetish so she could feel desired. I sometimes think that I may be blocking her from finding someone who fully supports the Fat Acceptance Movement or just likes big women. Someone who will make her feel desired and loved just the way she is. Someone who will encourage her to be herself and not change to fit a societal mold. For 7 years I have tried to convinence myself I could be that person, but with an ulterior motive: That the none existence of stress to loose weight to keep your spouse or make them happy, would free or motivate her to lose weight. That because she is loved by someone unconditionally (whatever that means these days), she will love herself enough to improve her life and health by losing weight. Or am I just delusional?

Unconditional Love?

What does that mean? Despite me not having any desire for my wife doesn't mean I don't love her or does it. Is it possible to love someone unconditionally and not want to have sex with them? I dont' know if this is a good analogy or if it applies or if there are different types of love, but I love my parents unconditionally. I would never abandone them for any reason. And to put it back into the realm of marriage, is sex a factor of unconditional love?

posted by "guilted husband" on the My Fat Spouse forum

Can't get past the hurt...

I'm an overweight spouse. The thing is, I had recommitted to losing weight and starting to exercise/take care of myself again in the last year. Then my husband of many years says that he is not attracted to me anymore, that he thinks I need to lose weight, get a tan, wear dresses, and do any number of things in order for "him" to feel better toward me. He did mention health as a concern, and he's right, though I will say all my vitals are checked regularly (I have thyroid condition and get checkups every 3 mos) and everything is healthy/normal, except my weight. So I think 10% of him is concerned for my health, the other 90% just wants a skinny wife. That realization is hard to accept, because I honestly believe I don't look at people that way. If he gains or loses 30-40 pounds, unless it causes health problems that he doesn't like, I am fine with it. I think people are more than some number on a scale, but obviously my husband and many on the forums disagree - hence why I'd like your feedback.  

I was on the self-motivated path, but after hearing him confirm what society is already chanting ("down with the fatties" or some other form of criticism), I am now unable to move past it and continue the journey for myself. Now I am so depressed that I don't even see reason for functioning thru the day, much less exercising. I've read some of the forum posts here, those that say "just say you're not attracted and she'll snap out of her fatness" but that (a) is callous for me to read, and (b) doesn't help everyone in their approach. As in the case with me, it's having the opposite effect.

Hearing my husband say I need to change so he can like me more does not make me want to change. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come back out. I knew I was overweight and needed to get healthy, but when I looked in the mirror I saw someone who I liked, someone who does a lot for others, someone who is pretty special in many ways, but needed to get in shape eventually. Now I just see and hear my husband's comments. What, me? A decent person? Not anymore. Talented in her career? Nope. Apparently I'm just fat.  

I've considered leaving him. I've considered losing the weight and then leaving him. I've considered losing weight so he'll be happy and it'll be a way to keep my marriage intact.

But I'm asking - and it's something to think about for anyone who is about to bring up the subject with an overweight spouse - how do you mend the harm that comes from the words you say? I wish my husband had been more sensitive in how he told me.

And I suppose I never looked at my own weight as something he should be angry about. That was a surprise for me as I read thru these posts. Then again, I was heavy when we married so it's not like I transformed into someone else. I've gained maybe 40 pounds since our wedding - and it "fills out" over me nicely. I'm tall so it's not like I look pregnant or have a spare tire - it is spread out evenly, though I am overweight. So this whole "you have to change" came out of the blue, when I presumed he was a man who loved me unconditionally.

I'm not trying to be a troll or cause dissension. I am honestly trying to see another side to things that apparently my husband shares an opinion with. Any help is appreciated, as yes, I do hope to continue on my own weight loss journey for my own sake.

Posted by Gamatz
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Why is it that many people treat marriage like an insurance policy?

 Why is it that many people treat marriage like an insurance policy?  Once the ring is slipped on their fingers, some assume they are then free to relax the high standards formerly held which definitely helped to attract and win their new mate-else why would anyone ever bother with the effort to begin with if physical appearance, fitness, and health were not supposed to be important things inside the marriage?
   I have noticed many formerly healthy and attractive spouses, who almost before all the "I Do’s" are said, start pigging out regularly with seemingly reckless abandon, and as a result gain enormous amounts of excess weight with little or no concern for the feelings of the other.  Sometimes a gluttonous spouse will even go so far as to try and sabotage their fit spouse's dieting and health efforts in an apparent attempt to make their fit spouse fat as well, most likely so that their healthy other-half won't be able to take the higher moral ground if they should try voicing any legitimate complaint about their weight gain-I guess misery loves company.  I think it is deplorable the way many will project an image of being health conscious, physically active, exercising, and generally keeping themselves attractive and so forth during the courtship phase, but then, once the marriage is sealed, almost before the ink is even dry, they begin to "let go" and pig out.  Then, when any concern is expressed by their partner who they have sworn an oath to “to love and honor...”, it is met with nothing short of total contempt or accusation, overused lines of total BS like "But you're supposed to love me unconditionally, you a**hole!"  What a crock.
   Where in any legitimate marriage agreement or contract, traditional or contemporary, is it stated that a spouse expected to give “Unconditional Love” irrespective of abuse, neglect, abandonment, or adultery, which all are inclusive to gluttony? If such an illogical concept as “unconditional love” actually exists, then where is their’s?  Will someone please explain how such logic as expecting someone else to love you “unconditionally”, could be anything but irrational?  By demanding “unconditional love”, these selfish hypocrites are themselves affecting a condition by demanding a condition: Unconditional Love!    
   Why is it that popular culture considers a gluttonous self-abasing spouse who becomes a pig after marriage to be a victim or the only victim? Why is free license given for one spouse to become obese at the expense the other’s happiness? Yet, consequently when the healthy spouse naturally looses attraction felt for their formerly fit spouse, the fit spouse is considered to be shallow and selfish.  
   Anything you might read about the evils of domestic violence, alcoholism, addiction, abuse and so forth within marriage is NO DIFFERENT from gluttony.  In fact, gluttony is worse than those evils because it destroys the natural basis that is the catalyst to nearly every romantic relationship which eventually results in marriage, Natural Attraction. Surely, there is a Higher Love than this, but the honest in heart will acknowledge that most all relations, at least those between and man and woman, begin with natural attraction.  Unfortunately, many relationships never advance to this state of Higher Love that transcends advancing age and the normal loss of attraction because the natural process which would normally lead there is stunted, and eventually killed by selfish, greedy, unabashed gluttony! How sad.

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Posted by Mojo on the My Fat Spouse Forum