The Depression Excuse

This has come up in some threads, and I think it is about time it was addressed: the "depression" excuse, as in my husband/wife is overeating because he/she is struggling with depression.

I have experienced some severe depressions in my life -- and most of them in my post-fat phase.

However, I didn't use that an excuse to stop exercising and start over-eating.

If you are depressed, alternatives to using food to alleviate your feelings include:

Exercise (even if it just means walking)
Therapy
Support groups
Talking to friends and family
Prayer
Meditation
Taking pro-active steps to change your life
Volunteer service (to get out of your self-absorption)
Art therapy (such as painting, writing, or drama)
Eating healthier foods! Especially more raw greens!

I don't mention medication because my experience with pills has been consistently negative, though St. John's Wort offered some very mild relief.

But when you are depressed, you can chose to tackle it in a healthy way, or you can turn to the bottle, the needle, or KFC. The idea that one is helpless over one's weight gain during a depression is more bull peddled by fat apologists.

Posted by Rick1 on the My Fat Spouse Forum.

Click Here to read more 

Here's what my husband said to motivate me

I am new here and am writing my story to possibly help people approach their overweight spouses.

Growing up, I was always the athletic girl. Stronger and faster than just about everyone in school and I took a great amount of pride in that. I was a gymnast and my life revolved around diet & athletics. After gymnastics, I went on to high school & college cheer leading. Then, in my junior year of college, I became pregnant... whoa was I in for a change.

What happens to your body when your pregnant is quite scary! Especially when you basically go from eating nothing and exercising all day, to eating like a normal person and no exercise. At the end of the pregnancy, I was left with 50 pounds on me. I became extremely depressed and didn't come out of that depression for 11 years. Today, I have 4 boys and am still 60 pounds heavier than I was before my first child.

My husband is and always has been athletic as well. We've been together since we were 16, which was 15 years this year. He is a bmx bike rider and works out daily. My weight has always been a source of resentment in our relationship. I can see it in the way he looks at me, and it hurts. But, when you're depressed, it's hard to find the strength from within to get off your ass and do something about it. He would nag me, holdout on sex, put me down, believe me he tried everything and nothing worked. I rebelled against anything he had to say about my weight. Let me tell you what he said that changed it all for me.

Recently, we separated because of marital stress. We were separated for 5 weeks, however still spent time together because of the kids. One evening over a few drinks he said to me, "Do you want to know how I really feel about you." Of course I answered, "Yes." He went on to tell me that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. That sometimes having sex actually disgusted him. Of course I was hurt, but I knew in my heart that he felt this way all along. I was disgusted my myself so why shouldn't he be? He went on to tell me that he loved me, but he wanted to have sex with a hot chick again. THAT WAS IT. At that point I realized that if I didn't become that hot chick, someone else would fill the position for me and there was no way that was going to happen!

Since that day, my life has been about renewing my sense of pride. I work out daily & watch what I eat. What do you know, I've actually lost weight! I know a lot of people will say that my husband is a superficial jerk telling me these things, but not me. I thanked him for it, because it was just what I needed to jumpstart a new life. 

How you react to your spouses feelings is a choice. You have to be at a point where you're ready to accept what he/she says. As I said, all other attempts (over 11 years) were met with defiance on my part. I think my acceptance had a lot to do with the way he said it. I took it as encouragement. He believed that I could become hot again, and told me so. I didn't believe that in myself, and to hear him say it meant more than anything.

I am absolutely, 110% doing this for myself. His benefit is a byproduct . I just needed a little encouragement to believe that this was a solveable problem.






Hope that wasn't too boring and good luck with your spouses.

Posted by Red Dream
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Can't get past the hurt...

I'm an overweight spouse. The thing is, I had recommitted to losing weight and starting to exercise/take care of myself again in the last year. Then my husband of many years says that he is not attracted to me anymore, that he thinks I need to lose weight, get a tan, wear dresses, and do any number of things in order for "him" to feel better toward me. He did mention health as a concern, and he's right, though I will say all my vitals are checked regularly (I have thyroid condition and get checkups every 3 mos) and everything is healthy/normal, except my weight. So I think 10% of him is concerned for my health, the other 90% just wants a skinny wife. That realization is hard to accept, because I honestly believe I don't look at people that way. If he gains or loses 30-40 pounds, unless it causes health problems that he doesn't like, I am fine with it. I think people are more than some number on a scale, but obviously my husband and many on the forums disagree - hence why I'd like your feedback.  

I was on the self-motivated path, but after hearing him confirm what society is already chanting ("down with the fatties" or some other form of criticism), I am now unable to move past it and continue the journey for myself. Now I am so depressed that I don't even see reason for functioning thru the day, much less exercising. I've read some of the forum posts here, those that say "just say you're not attracted and she'll snap out of her fatness" but that (a) is callous for me to read, and (b) doesn't help everyone in their approach. As in the case with me, it's having the opposite effect.

Hearing my husband say I need to change so he can like me more does not make me want to change. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come back out. I knew I was overweight and needed to get healthy, but when I looked in the mirror I saw someone who I liked, someone who does a lot for others, someone who is pretty special in many ways, but needed to get in shape eventually. Now I just see and hear my husband's comments. What, me? A decent person? Not anymore. Talented in her career? Nope. Apparently I'm just fat.  

I've considered leaving him. I've considered losing the weight and then leaving him. I've considered losing weight so he'll be happy and it'll be a way to keep my marriage intact.

But I'm asking - and it's something to think about for anyone who is about to bring up the subject with an overweight spouse - how do you mend the harm that comes from the words you say? I wish my husband had been more sensitive in how he told me.

And I suppose I never looked at my own weight as something he should be angry about. That was a surprise for me as I read thru these posts. Then again, I was heavy when we married so it's not like I transformed into someone else. I've gained maybe 40 pounds since our wedding - and it "fills out" over me nicely. I'm tall so it's not like I look pregnant or have a spare tire - it is spread out evenly, though I am overweight. So this whole "you have to change" came out of the blue, when I presumed he was a man who loved me unconditionally.

I'm not trying to be a troll or cause dissension. I am honestly trying to see another side to things that apparently my husband shares an opinion with. Any help is appreciated, as yes, I do hope to continue on my own weight loss journey for my own sake.

Posted by Gamatz
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

My Own Twisted Version of Thinspiration

I've been lurking and thought it was time to introduce myself.

First off, great site! I sympathize with many of the spouses on here, it must be so disheartening to see your love buried under mounds of butter.

I come here for my own twisted version of thinspiration. Am trying to lose weight, typical story, emotional eating and bad choices through my pregnancies left me with some extra poundage. I am starting to feel much happier in my skin, so that is great for me.

Back in the summer (July) my husband gave me a once over look when I came out of the shower and said in his no nonsense voice "we need to lose weight". I was crushed. My youngest was four months old and although I didn't recognize it at the time I was stuck in postpartum depression. For a week all I could think was "he doesn't want me. he doesn't want me." I was totally heartbroken and he didn't even realize it. I went to visit my sister, who is gorgeous, healthy, and thin. She has also been through the wringer with depression issues. We had a heart to heart and she told me how much better she feels with the weight off and getting her "runners high" a couple times a week. She inspired me, I wanted to feel and look good too! I wanted my husband to think I was damn sexy. Be proud of me! So I was doing it for myself and for him. And my kids. I wanted out of that depression, and not with drugs. I wanted them to have a healthy, happy mommy who would run around and chase them, not sit on the couch mindlessly watching cartoons with them all day.

I went home and had a talk with my husband. To this day he maintains that he meant we both need to lose weight, not to hurt my feelings or tell me to. Now he is no fitness superstar, small paunch beginning... darn beer! Despite what he says, I truly think what really went on was he was being straight with me. And knows me well enough to get that if he pissed me off just right I'd get myself slimmed down

We didn't have any heart to hearts or mushy anything. He didn't give me an ultimatum. He didn't say you are disgusting. But I told him what my goals were/are and how I intended to get there and what he could do to help me. All I wanted from him was support. If he sees a difference in my body, say something. If I tell him I hit a milestone, 5, 10, 15, 20 pounds and share that with him I'd like him to tell me that he thinks it's great! I did not want him watching my food -- I know exactly what I am eating. If I want to go for a run he needs to watch the kids. And not complain about it! It's been wonderful. I don't need encouragement from him every day. But the other day when he said "your jeans are falling off! let's go get you a new pair that fit better, show off that ass." I can't tell you how great it made me feel.

So now I am a work in progress. Hi everybody!
I hope there is something in this story that will be helpful to someone.

Do or do not. There is no try. -Jedi Master Yoda 

Posted by fightlike_agirl 

on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum