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Monday, September 5, 2011

Can't get past the hurt...

I'm an overweight spouse. The thing is, I had recommitted to losing weight and starting to exercise/take care of myself again in the last year. Then my husband of many years says that he is not attracted to me anymore, that he thinks I need to lose weight, get a tan, wear dresses, and do any number of things in order for "him" to feel better toward me. He did mention health as a concern, and he's right, though I will say all my vitals are checked regularly (I have thyroid condition and get checkups every 3 mos) and everything is healthy/normal, except my weight. So I think 10% of him is concerned for my health, the other 90% just wants a skinny wife. That realization is hard to accept, because I honestly believe I don't look at people that way. If he gains or loses 30-40 pounds, unless it causes health problems that he doesn't like, I am fine with it. I think people are more than some number on a scale, but obviously my husband and many on the forums disagree - hence why I'd like your feedback.  

I was on the self-motivated path, but after hearing him confirm what society is already chanting ("down with the fatties" or some other form of criticism), I am now unable to move past it and continue the journey for myself. Now I am so depressed that I don't even see reason for functioning thru the day, much less exercising. I've read some of the forum posts here, those that say "just say you're not attracted and she'll snap out of her fatness" but that (a) is callous for me to read, and (b) doesn't help everyone in their approach. As in the case with me, it's having the opposite effect.

Hearing my husband say I need to change so he can like me more does not make me want to change. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come back out. I knew I was overweight and needed to get healthy, but when I looked in the mirror I saw someone who I liked, someone who does a lot for others, someone who is pretty special in many ways, but needed to get in shape eventually. Now I just see and hear my husband's comments. What, me? A decent person? Not anymore. Talented in her career? Nope. Apparently I'm just fat.  

I've considered leaving him. I've considered losing the weight and then leaving him. I've considered losing weight so he'll be happy and it'll be a way to keep my marriage intact.

But I'm asking - and it's something to think about for anyone who is about to bring up the subject with an overweight spouse - how do you mend the harm that comes from the words you say? I wish my husband had been more sensitive in how he told me.

And I suppose I never looked at my own weight as something he should be angry about. That was a surprise for me as I read thru these posts. Then again, I was heavy when we married so it's not like I transformed into someone else. I've gained maybe 40 pounds since our wedding - and it "fills out" over me nicely. I'm tall so it's not like I look pregnant or have a spare tire - it is spread out evenly, though I am overweight. So this whole "you have to change" came out of the blue, when I presumed he was a man who loved me unconditionally.

I'm not trying to be a troll or cause dissension. I am honestly trying to see another side to things that apparently my husband shares an opinion with. Any help is appreciated, as yes, I do hope to continue on my own weight loss journey for my own sake.

Posted by Gamatz
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum


  1. I was hoping to see some comments here, you are describing the exact same situation between my wife and I and I really could use some advice on how to approach this.

  2. Lets start off with the weight

    40lbs is a lot no matter how little you think it is. Had it been that you were still the same as you were when you got married and now he's complaining then I could side with you.
    Has your husband gained any weight during the marriage?
    You need to forget the depression and do it for yourself. Put the focus on losing weight for yourself, get some new clothes, new hairstyle and focus on you. Would you prefer if he lied to you? Is he not allowed to wanna be attracted to his wife, be glad he told you and didnt jus hide behind an affair.
    If he himself has weight to loose you need to make this a joint effort. Find a Planet Fitness($10/month) or find a park and go walking as much as you can.
    Again dont do this for him, do this for you. You'll feel happier. Good luck!

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