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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

If I can do it, your spouse can too.

I read this site for thinspo.

Thought I might share the history behind and progress in my journey so far. Perhaps there is something I have to say that will help someone with their significant other either in terms of motivation or understanding. I don't know. This will probably be a long one, so grab a cup of tea :)

I've been an emotional eater for the majority of my life, since I was about 12 I would say. I was severely sexually abused from age eight to adulthood and that is when my relationship with food got seriously messed up. This is not a sob story, it is what it is. And what it is is the beginning of my f*%$ed up, dependant, twisted relationship with food. I began to eat more, for the high I got from sugar and the high I got from defying/disregarding my abuser. He preferred me thin. If he hadn't expressed a preference for me thin I think I probably would have been at the other end of the spectrum of food issues and wound up anorexic.

I'm 5'8'' and small-medium boned. When I graduated from high school, my dress size was 6 for my formal gown. I do not know my weight at that point but I liked my body. I had lost probably a good ten pounds the spring before grad due to incredible stress in my life.

When I met my husband I was in size 5 slim-fit jeans and also happy with my body. In between I had ballooned up (2-3 sizes) and lost weight, again due to incredible stress, not any effort on my part.

After marrying and having a couple of children I found myself incredibly unhappy with my body. I'd go to the pantry for comfort, especially if my husband rejected me sexually or we had a fight. (Our sex drives aren't super compatible in the first place but I own the fact that my weight had to be a contributing factor for him.) I've always loooooved starches and sweets, and I would head straight for those.

When my husband made his comment and I decided I wanted to turn my life around and shrink my ass I was 164. BMI of 24.9. Just barely in the normal range! I was almost clinically overweight. Now I may not have been a full fledged cow or anything but I was a budding heifer, certainly. And I did not carry it well.

I had always been told that to figure out a person's ideal weight you take 100 lbs for the first five feet of height and add five pounds per inch of height over 5 feet. Then + or - 10% and you have an acceptable range. So me at 5'8" = 140 lbs, +/- 14 lbs. So my acceptable range would be 126-154 lbs according to this idea. I set my goal weight at 140 to start. It is now 135, in case you are interested.

I started simply counting calories. I have an iphone so I downloaded a calorie tracker application and started tracking! You input height, weight, age, goal weight, goal date and it calculates how many calories you should consume in a day to get there. I like technology so this was a fun way for me to keep track and I always have my phone on me so it became habit to track automatically. And not "forget".

I went with the theory that a calorie was a calorie, at least for now. (meaning I didn't turn my life upside down and start eating only poached fish and brown rice and more green veggies than I'd seen in the previous year. If we ate at a fast food restaurant, I wanted Subway. If we went to McD's I had a happy meal with a cheeseburger and kid size fries or apple slices! (I know it is disgusting but those are my favorite!) I did buy the thinsations snack packs and skinny cow ice cream treats because I knew if I was denying myself sugar and things I like to eat I would fail for sure. Or only have short term success. I do have a sweet tooth and they work for me because they are portion controlled. I also made sure I kept the treats in my basement deep freeze or in my pantry in the utility room so if I wanted to get them I had to go get them, I didn't pack them around with me or anything. The individual packs don't help much if you eat the whole box.

Over the last 5 months I have slowly been incorporating healthier choices into my normal life and that of my family. I want my kids to grow up healthy and with a normal relationship with food.

I am currently 144, I was down to 142 but lost control over the holidays (It is surprisingly easy to do!) and am working to get back on track.

As far as exercise goes I started jogging in August when this all began. I am working my way through a couch to 5 k program (for the second time) and was doing well, I could jog for a full 30 mins/5k but fell off the bandwagon with a bad cold that turned into mild pneumonia that I've had for like 7 weeks. So running has been more than I had in me. I'll get back there though.

I do martial arts 2 days a week, sometimes 3. I'm trying to get back to what I was doing with jogging 3 days a week. The days I jog I also do pushups/situps/squats/etc and do some toning with 5lb hand weights. If I really don't feel like it on a day I should be jogging I will at least jump rope and shadow box. I am feeling stronger and fitter and I really love it.

Hubs has had my back with this in a number of ways:
-no complaints when I bought decent running shoes. My $30 ones really hurt my feet.
-babysits if I want to run during the day on the weekend (usually I go at night though)
-at least tries the healthier food I prepare
-says positive things to me when it occurs to him
-encourages me when I tell him I hit a milestone (5lbs down, 15 lbs down, etc)
-no complaints about fees associated with martial arts
-pokes my muscles and laughs and says they are harder/bigger. Obliges when I'm like "Feel this - I'm getting guns!" and squeezes my bicep.
-gives me a "you can do it!" in a goofy cartoon character voice when I say "Oh I don't feel like running tonight, please kick me in the butt. call me fat or something.". This one is important because he could say something cutting or remind me how bad I need to or tell me I'd better. He chooses to be a comedian. God I love this man.
-told me I need to show off my ass so he took me jean shopping.
-always tells me I'm sexy when we are intimate. that he can honestly feel the difference in my body.
-has not monitored my food. He tried one time and it was World War 3 so he hasn't done that again.

As far as my goals go I would like to get down to 135 and back in my skinny jeans (5 slim fit). More than that though I just want to tone up and continue to enjoy the energy I have now. I am a better wife and better mom and all round happier person than I was in the summer. I want my man to be proud to hang me on his arm and be sexually attracted to me. I want my relationship with food to continue to improve. I gave it far too much power in my life for far too long. Food is fuel, not my friend. Besides lots of sugar gives me a headache.

To sum up: I put down my fork, put food in it's place, and started moving.

If I can do it, your spouse can too.

Posted by fightlike_agirl
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

1 comment:

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