He has not touched me in almost 3 yrs!!!

Hi! I am semi new here I used to lurk on the site before it went down. I'm happy to see your up and running again. I am going crazy and I want to try and understand what has happened to my marriage.  I am dying inside because of it. My husband of almost 15 yrs doesn't want sex. I am too fat for him ( 4 11 1/2 and now 189.5lbs... -17lbs) and while I am losing weight for a myriad of reasons it does include him. I am not an ugly girl but I want to just sit and cry- there is NO intimacy. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand my need and makes me feel like  nympho if I just even touch him. I hurt over this. I love him! We are THE best of friends yet I feel quilty over wanting intimacy! Can you guess where my self esteem is??? The toilet.

He has not touched me in almost 3 yrs!!! Before that (on my BD) he gave me what I would call "mercy sex". Nothing for *me* mind you... just the wham bam and I should just be happy. Before that one incident it had been over 18 months. In our marriage we have barely ever had sex - esp the last 10 years or so. I have 2 kids with him 7 and 8 but God must have done miracles because it was only great timing that led to those.  

I worry that he will still keep this up even if I go through the pain of losing wieght. I keep hoping it will change! I want a love life - it is not even just about sex. I want to feel loved, adored and cared for. Am I asking too much? Anyone else out there feeling fat and ugly because of this? I look at even larger girls and wonder... is she getting loved? Does every man who is upset about his wife's weight refuse to have sex with her? Refuse affection? What is wrong with me??? 

posted by AmyB34 

on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

I believe honesty is usually the best policy

I believe honesty is usually the best policy, but I don't like to be cruel or needlessly hurtful, and so I am trying to be as tactful and kind as possible.

Too often I see overweight folks focus on the effects their weight has on their health and daily lives. I hear them complain, and rightly so, that they are treated cruelly because of their size. But I ask them to consider and focus on how their weight affects others, such as their spouses, and especially if they have spouses of a normal weight.

I can only speak from a woman's perspective, and I can honestly say that a soft waist and bouncing breasts are strictly feminine attributes, and on a man they can be total libido killers.

But the physical aspect is not the worst part. Women are typically different than men in that they can easily look at a drop-dead gorgeous hunk of a man and not experience any arousal because of the lack of mental and emotional appeal.

Well, when ones spouse knowingly maintains an unattractive [ie obese] appearance, and yet still desires that the wife remain slim and sexy, the first thing to go through the woman's mind is "don't my desires and feelings matter too?"

For a while I was able to convince myself that what I wanted didn't matter. I told myself (and still do) that I should be grateful for all of the numerous blessings in my life (which I am) including my hardworking husband.

But every time he brings home a skimpy shirt or a sexy dress for me to wear, and every time he asks to see me naked, I can feel the anger, and subsequent resentment, building up.

"Its not fair," I think.

I lied one day and told him that I had an uncommonly low libido, therefore I often wasn't "in the mood." I tried to blame my lack of sexual desire on myself. I even managed to convince myself of it for a while.

I am in my late twenties, and a small voice in my head continues to whisper that I am too young for this. My best years will pass by while I feel obligated to give sexual release to a spouse who can't seem to find the motivation to lose weight. If he will not do it for himself or his children, why would his wife be a good enough reason?

I will not consider adultery or divorce because I take my vows before God and witnesses very seriously. If I can't keep the big promises, how can anyone think to trust my small ones? I will not sacrifice my honor or the well-being of my children (who adore their father) for temporary gain.

And so I remain steadfast at my husband's side. But my inner turmoil is becoming unbearably painful. I just ask the overweight spouses out there to consider the needs of their spouse before their own, because most likely their slim spouses have been doing just that for years: showing loyalty, patience, and love while holding out the hope that one day their overweight spouse will get into shape.

It is time to stop being selfish, folks.

It is time to lose the weight.

Posted By  Torn on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum