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Monday, September 5, 2011

He has not touched me in almost 3 yrs!!!

Hi! I am semi new here I used to lurk on the site before it went down. I'm happy to see your up and running again. I am going crazy and I want to try and understand what has happened to my marriage.  I am dying inside because of it. My husband of almost 15 yrs doesn't want sex. I am too fat for him ( 4 11 1/2 and now 189.5lbs... -17lbs) and while I am losing weight for a myriad of reasons it does include him. I am not an ugly girl but I want to just sit and cry- there is NO intimacy. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand my need and makes me feel like  nympho if I just even touch him. I hurt over this. I love him! We are THE best of friends yet I feel quilty over wanting intimacy! Can you guess where my self esteem is??? The toilet.

He has not touched me in almost 3 yrs!!! Before that (on my BD) he gave me what I would call "mercy sex". Nothing for *me* mind you... just the wham bam and I should just be happy. Before that one incident it had been over 18 months. In our marriage we have barely ever had sex - esp the last 10 years or so. I have 2 kids with him 7 and 8 but God must have done miracles because it was only great timing that led to those.  

I worry that he will still keep this up even if I go through the pain of losing wieght. I keep hoping it will change! I want a love life - it is not even just about sex. I want to feel loved, adored and cared for. Am I asking too much? Anyone else out there feeling fat and ugly because of this? I look at even larger girls and wonder... is she getting loved? Does every man who is upset about his wife's weight refuse to have sex with her? Refuse affection? What is wrong with me??? 

posted by AmyB34 


  1. Stop begging for it

    Keep losing weight especially since you're short. Get new clothes and style and frankly ignore him. when he sees other people responding to the changes he'll wake up. Men love it when other men oogle/gawk at their women
    Also getting a female pheremone would also work. Google Essence of A Woman. My bf who is the most stubborn bastard when we fight and can completely ignore me for hrs/days if pissed, cant keep his hands off me when I add some drops of this on myself covered by a little perfume. Good luck and come back with an update!!

  2. Regardless of how he feels about you, how do you feel about you? Objectively would you honestly want to see and touch your naked body? Does the thought of your own naked self inspire sexual or sad thoughts? Then remember whatever you're thinking might be more positive than what hes thinking. I love my hubby but if I had to life a belly out of the way for sex or oral it's be excruciating and honestly would probably stop.

    A few years ago my boyfriend at the time husband now, really just stopped initiating sex with me. First it was literally all the time 4-6/day, crazy. Sorry if that's tmi but I just wanted to highlight that we went from that to not having sex for 3.5 months only the occasional closed kiss. Like he was my roommate. I tried initiating it and it was up from none to once every few weeks. When he finally told me it was my weight I wanted to throttle him but I knew id gotten fat and I wasn't even attracted to me. I went through being mad, feeling betrayed etc but eventually I just accepted if I wouldn't want to have sex with me why the hell would he. I lived in the Deep South and I'm sure there were 20 guys who would have happily had sex with and settle down with me at twice that size but that's not what i wanted for me. For awhile I just have him a break from nagging him for it, I focused on me 100%. I couldn't make him want to have sex with me but I could change how I felt about me. I decided once I was exactly who I wanted to be I would let him decide if he liked it too or if he wanted to hit the door. I focused on My hair (grew it out went natural), nails, diet, clothing etc and how everything made me feel. Lingerie, perfume etc. once i was happy with superficial stuff I had to look at everything else i looked into why i was fat. That summer we had decided Id get off birth control and instead of trying to get pregnant we'd let it happen whenever. I had one miscarriage and then nothing for 1.5 years. I felt useless and unfeminine but we never talked about it. I never dealt with it either. I quit work for school and just veged out on takeout and ice cream. When I finally addressed the issue (turned out to be pcos and a malfunctioning thyroid) I figured at least I could maybe fix it or alleviate the symptoms some. I eventually fell in love with clean eating, the whole30, Paleo and weight lifting. The sex came back way before the weight came off because my attitude was different. I thought I was sexy and worthy of good food and health so he thought I was sexy and worthy. It's been 4 years and we have a baby girl now. I would say give him time to see your commitment if you've back slid before there's a chance he doesn't want to get too committed to your weightloss yet. I believe he should be committed and supportive but you don't want him to fake it and you have to be happy and confident in yourself first.

    When we had problems I was 175 at 5'6 but I was 118 when we met so I think it was the change rather than my weight per say. I have always been told and still believe I carried my extra weight well. I'm 36E and still have wide hips even at 124.


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