I am new to this forum and this is my first post. I am out of my mind and not sure what to do and any advice would be greatly appreciated. If you can relate please tell me what you did.
I use to weighed over 350. Being fat is not beautiful or healthy. I lost 100lbs when I met my boyfriend. That means I was 250. Humongous. He started to work out with me and I lost about 60lbs. He moved in with me about a year and a half ago. (We been together 2 years now). About a year ago he confessed that he never dated big woman and never even had fat friends because it dosent look right. He dosent hate them just that he dosent see it healthy.
He isnt Mr.Perfect either. He weighes about 230lbs. I think he gained like 10-20 lbs since he been with me. But he still looks good. I had an accident this year which almost took my life and I had to take time off from everything to recuperate. I started school back again and excersising. Ive lost 10lbs. I weigh now 165. He says he loves me and wants to marry me and wants to have 2 children at least. I do not show him my body because I have a lot of excessive skin that needs removal. Lately he has been telling me that I need to weigh 140 to marry him. Also at 140 he will be more romantic. Kiss me more, hug me more, and a lot of other stuff. Sex life has been diminishing and last night he told me that I promised him 140 and its been a year and I havent lost much. He said its my fault we are not having sex much. Blame no one but myself. He says it dosent look good a guy weighing more than a girl (I am about 60lbs under him) or a girl to be close to a guys weight. He wants to drop down about 30lbs. I want to get to 140.
My question is will he change when I get to 140? Will he be more romantic? Will he marry me? I am afraid of getting down to the 140 and stressing everyminute of gaining ONE pound. I am stressing now. It isnt easy losing weight.
Why are men so fixated on a certain body and number on scale? Why is he putting this stress on me? I am to the point I feel horrible. I dread getting out of bed. I do love him and he always tells me he loves me. I accept him and love to him sees a number on a scale.
posted by lacrimablu on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum
Wow, um, let me just be honest in saying that I can relate and understand exactly why he is saying those things, because sadly, I was the one in his shoes. Except in my situation, the difference in numbers was almost nothing when compared to you and yet i was more serious.
ReplyDeleteNow there are many underlying reasons for this but it really stems from issues of insecurity in himself. I didnt realize that i was being manipulative and trying to control someone else's self-image, even though that is impossible. I even told myself in my head, that i wanted her to be healthier and lose weight because i cared for her and loved her.
It seems he is more insecure about his own issues than you and his lack of confidence in this area can be threatening to him. The natural course to take then is to take that insecurity and share it with others, blaming others instead of himself in hopes that he can feel better about himself.
If you take anything away from this, understand that if he really does love you, he would not blame you for his own lack of confidence, and he would not put a condition on his love. Meaning if he loves you, he loves you. If he loves a version of you that's not you, well then he is dreaming and you must address than topic directly.
It may be his easy-ticket-out, or so he believe if he can just get you to lose that weight and have an attractive partner. This may be hard to understand, but it will be the difference in a happy relationship and a mutually destructive one.
Even if you put in the work, shed pounds, and tighten up your skin, he still will not appreciate you, if he cannot appreciate himself. I loved my ex, i still do. But its best we split ways so that we could work out problems out ourselves, if we get back together later, let it be, but sometimes you must make the call and respect and love yourself first and foremost