Am I happy I found this site!

Am I happy I found this site!  It's helps me feel that what I'm feeling is rather normal.  So here's my story.  Me and my ex girlfriend are trying to work things out in hopes of getting back together.  I'm 5'9", male, and I was very skinny for most my life up until about 3 or 4 yrs ago.  I used to weigh 130 lbs, now I'm up to 170 lbs after eating and working out.  I'm still looking to gain another 15 lbs of muscle and I'm actively pursuing my goal.  I'm working out between 4 and 6 days a week.  I'm doing all this cause I hated being skinny growing up, I hated always being skinnier than my girlfriends, I used to have sex with the lights off, I could never pick my girlfriend up and spin her around when she told me great news.  I used to find chubby girls attractive.  But it was specifically voluptuous girls that I liked, you know, big boobs and big asses got me excited and I was willing to deal with a little flab here and there "in exchange".  I liked skinny women too and I'm still attracted to both these body types today.  But my issue is that I'm getting older and now I look at the women I date as potential wives one day, not just a girlfriend.  Therefore my standards are higher.  I want a slim sexy and healthy wife who will live a long life and instill good health habits to our children.  Also, as silly as it sounds, I want a wife that can defend herself and/or escape from attackers or any other type of danger.   She needs to at least have a chance of running in and out of a burning building to save our other 2 kids that I can't also fit on my back while I'm running in and out that building along side her to save all 4 of our future kids.  If my wife is too fat, we're all gonna die in there! My ex is 24, 5'6", has a very pretty face, long gorgeous hair and a sexy but tasteful fashion sense.  She was slightly chubbier than what I was used to when we first met, about 170ish, and wasn't very curvy but I was still attracted to her. Then she even lost a couple pounds and that was the best she had looked since we've met. She had a job which required a lot of walking and then she got a good job which required a lot of sitting around. That's when she started gaining, I would estimate about 25 to 30 pounds pretty fast. I noticed a little bit of a waddle when she walked, compared to her sexy walk in her heels it's a big difference. Anyway, we had some trouble, I left her, now we're trying to reconcile.   When we would talk and she would tell me how she felt about me and what I mean to her, she would always mention "and I love how you accept me for who I am even with my flaws.". That's where the guilt hits me. That I know I'm not actually as accepting as she thinks I am because this whole weight thing bothers me a lot.  She does tell me that she's on diets and she says she exercises but I don't know if it's true because her fridge has a lot of junk in it and she seems to always look a little fatter each time I see her, and I'm losing my physical attraction to her.  It's especially tough for us since I'm trying to gain while she's trying to lose so, when we eat together there's a lot of unspoken conflict.  She cooks me these wonderful weight gaining meals when I go to her place and she cooks enough to last a couple days so.. Of course she's eating it when I'm gone.  Anyway..... I don't know what to do. 
That's my story.

Posted by XChubChaser 
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum 

The Reformed Fat Girlfriend

I met my first serious boyfriend when I was 16, and we started seeing each other properly from when I was 17 until I was 21. In that time, I swelled from 120lb to 190lb. The first thing that you should probably know, is that I hated it. I'd gone from being athletic and sexy with bags of confidence, to feeling pissed off and wanting to be invisible.

He made me feel sh*t about it; I've been perusing the threads on here and occasionally a comment like "she already knows" will be raised. Of course she does! She has a mirror - and she's not an idiot, the chances are she'll equate her new fatter bum with the distinct lack of sex around now. Not that was a problem for me of course; our sex-drives were very, very mismatched - I was a several times a day girl - he was a once a week man. I do think this contributed to my weight-gain because I was already feeling rejected physically as it was.

My boyfriend was blatant in his contempt when I put on a few pounds at uni after we'd been together about a year (I'm not going to defend my initial weight-gain, it was down to too much booze, bad food and no working-out): I let it slide and lost it, but a year or so later a few pounds slipped on again and his repulsion was difficult to ignore. This time I felt so bad about myself that I didn't lose it - and what was I losing it for? We were barely sleeping together anyway, so what was the difference. And so my weight yo-yoed for the next two years until it finally settled around 190lb. What was worse about this whole thing, is that he put on over seven stone, weighing over nineteen stone at one point. I didn't make him feel as worthless about it as he made me; I think he's hypocrisy made me dig my heels in about losing it. I was made to feel useless about everything and I think I equated that with being fat - and after all he'd put on, I really couldn't help thinking "what a nerve" he had!

The point of the story is this: firstly, I'm not saying it's "his fault", because it's not - I'm the one who fed myself the ice-cream, so the blame is mine. What I am saying though, is that sometimes when you're in an unhappy relationship but you don't want to leave, you need an outlet. And consciously or unconsciously, my outlet was to take control by piling on the pounds. A dangerous, health-threatening way, but what's done is done. Though before I am slammed by you horrified husbands out there; it wasn't something I did on purpose, nor did I enjoy the way I was changing: it just kind of happened.

We finally broke up; I was devastated for a while and I crept up to a shocking 206lb: however, being alone after such a long time really did me some good. I'd graduated before we'd finished and I'd been struggling to find work: as a single girl, I had more time to devote and I found a great job quite quickly. Things were going in the right direction for me, and it gave me the self-respect I need to kick myself in the a*se; I got a grip and focused solely on myself. I didn't have anyone around to tell me not to do something - or that I couldn't do something. I could do whatever I wanted!

I started eating right and began working out; first with exercise DVDs, but as the weight came off and I got fitter, I started running.  I lost two stone by Christmas and by then I'd bought a house and moved out on my own. I had even more freedom in what I ate and cooked and if I got up at 5am for a run with the dogs, there was no one in the house to complain. And I went from strength to strength.

I settled at 122lb: I feel strong and healthy - I feel great in general. I run, circuit-train and box every week; I ride every day and I'm dying to take up fencing - something I always wanted to do but wasn't fit enough. When I compare myself to the girl I was a year ago, I feel terrible: I was miserable and I had no quality of life at all. All because I clung on to a toxic relationship that I wasn't happy in anymore.

I need to add here; that the same goes for my ex; he's now back around the same weight he was when we first met. So I suppose the point here is that yes, laziness and over-eating make you fat: but the real question is, what's making them lazy and over-eat??

I am in a new relationship now, with a man who has a libido to rival mine! He is not my type; I was always partial to clean-cut pretty boys. But this new boyfriend is rugged, blunt and forward. He thinks the sun shines out of my every orifice, and because he makes me feel so good, I want to be at my absolute best all of the time. He's very fit; we go running together and he runs through some of the Infantry PT work-outs with me. Keeping fit and healthy has become a joint activity and part of the relationship; something I have never had before - and I really, really like it. I never feel under-valued or unwanted around him; we have a policy of honesty and I find that really comforting; there's no embarrassment or anything to hide behind.

So, have a think about it. Personally, I needed to be alone and find a bit of self-respect before I could become the woman I really am. And once I was, I could find a healthy relationship with someone who is good for me. Sometimes a relationship can be damning and can strip away your need to look after yourself, simply because you're so miserable. I do want to highlight that just as I did not blame my ex for my weight-gain, people with heavy spouses are not to blame - I just think that there are always reasons for getting fat, past wanting to taste another cake and those reasons should be explored with your partner. I never did in my relationship and I do wonder, if we had, whether things could have been resolved.

Posted by

Freckle_Face

on the My Fat Spouse Forum

Love to him is a certain number on a scale...why?

I am new to this forum and this is my first post. I am out of my mind and not sure what to do and any advice would be greatly appreciated. If you can relate please tell me what you did.

I use to weighed over 350. Being fat is not beautiful or healthy. I lost 100lbs when I met my boyfriend. That means I was 250. Humongous. He started to work out with me and I lost about 60lbs. He moved in with me about a year and a half ago. (We been together 2 years now). About a year ago he confessed that he never dated big woman and never even had fat friends because it dosent look right. He dosent hate them just that he dosent see it healthy.

He isnt Mr.Perfect either. He weighes about 230lbs. I think he gained like 10-20 lbs since he been with me. But he still looks good. I had an accident this year which almost took my life and I had to take time off from everything to recuperate. I started school back again and excersising. Ive lost 10lbs. I weigh now 165. He says he loves me and wants to marry me and wants to have 2 children at least. I do not show him my body because I have a lot of excessive skin that needs removal. Lately he has been telling me that I need to weigh 140 to marry him. Also at 140 he will be more romantic. Kiss me more, hug me more, and a lot of other stuff. Sex life has been diminishing and last night he told me that I promised him 140 and its been a year and I havent lost much. He said its my fault we are not having sex much. Blame no one but myself. He says it dosent look good a guy weighing more than a girl (I am about 60lbs under him) or a girl to be close to a guys weight. He wants to drop down about 30lbs. I want to get to 140.

My question is will he change when I get to 140? Will he be more romantic? Will he marry me? I am afraid of getting down to the 140 and stressing everyminute of gaining ONE pound. I am stressing now. It isnt easy losing weight.

Why are men so fixated on a certain body and number on scale? Why is he putting this stress on me? I am to the point I feel horrible. I dread getting out of bed. I do love him and he always tells me he loves me. I accept him and love to him sees a number on a scale.

posted by lacrimablu on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum