For argument's sake, let's say the fat spouse commits to a program that will result in her regaining an appearance that will be pleasing to the fit spouse. When I say commits, I mean steady, reasonable progress like 1 pound per 100 pounds of body weight lost per week is being made. Given what you some of you have said about your wives' weight, it may take a year or longer for her to lose the desired amount of weight.
At what point do you love her again? What do you do to get rid of the anger and resentment and how long will that take? Will you even be able to get rid of the resentment? If she doesn't look the same as before she gained the weight, but has achieved her best (acceptable BMI, as toned as possible), will you hold on to your resentment or hold back on your love for her? Will your marriage ever be loving and intimate or will the past always be a wall between you? Will you bring up her past weight and/or punish her forever for having been fat? Do you start showing her respect and love while she is losing weight or do you remain reserved until she has lost all the weight? Do you do anything positive to show you have noticed her changes while she is working at it?
Just wondering.......
posted by
| Rose on the My Fat Spouse Forum |
I think it all boils down to how much you loved her in the first place.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is it is not easy to lose weight and for that reason, many obese people, women and men alike, punish themselves internally enough. Being an overweight female, I know how many times I cry alone or get fustrated about the whole weight thing per day talk less of over a long period of time of being big.
Losing weight will not return her to pre-weight condition. She may not look the same after the weight lost, and that is even after reconstructive surgery. Yes it sucks for you, to have to deal with something, it seems, you did not sign up for but again, it all boils down to how much you loved her in the first place.
We are all physical beings, we like our partner to look nice, have a big penis, all the works (i.e. etc.), but at the end of the day we can't have a perfect person. As in many transactions in life, you have to give some to get some. In your case, you get the love and compassion of a woman you, obviously, unequally love in return for her weight gain.
And if you are willing to deal with the fact that she will not get back to pre-weight gain physicque but something reasonable which you actually like, then you need to encourage her. Constantly. Overweight people, like me, need encouragement. It is the push, when we have nothing else to push us. The only reason why we turn away from the burger or we go to the gym 5 days instead of 4. You need to encourage her. Show her that you see her progress and you love her constantly! Take her out once in a while, show her that you ARE showing her off and not trying to hide her from the public eye because you feel like you may be embarrased. The zoo, aquarium, amusement parks, etc. are good places to go. And also try getting in shape with her. Offer to go to the gym with her once in a while, and eat right with her. Don't expect her to enjoy watching you chow down on a burger while she's forced to eat a salad. Try getting healthy recipes that the two of you could make together and enjoy. And p.s. love and respect must always be in the relationship and its a shame that you ever stopped, but you can definitely pick up where you started.
Good luck
Most Men aren't as shallow as most people like to think. Cheating is a good example. Woman #2 isn't always a perfect 10. They are looking for pride and effort and yes reasonable attractiveness but They aren't looking for perfect but progress. Cheating is always wrong however and if they really couldn't take it they should end one thing before starting. Another. It's hard for anyone to look at and respect a 400lb person binging on ice cream who won't even take a walk with you. But if they're loosing weight (say down from 440) and actively trying I think most spouses will hang in there and try to be affectionate. We had intimacy issues our second year of dating because I was stress eating to deal with infertility but I lost the weight and looked damn good IMO. but now despite still looking good from what I've been doing tone size and weight wise I have stretch marks on my hips and sides from my daughter and two scars from an incident. My husband has never put me down about it he knows I try and tell me how sexy I am and thanks me for bringing our daughter into the world. I know lots of men who don't give a shit about scars and stretch marks as long as there's a genuine concerted effort to look your best. But if you've gone from an unscarred toned and tight 105 and then balloon up to 400lbs. Even if you lose most of the weight if you have stretch marks, loose skin and then scars from removing all the loose wrinkly skin there's a chance that despite appreciating your hard work, they still can't look past it to enjoy you physically. Honestly even with expectations of ageing and children they really didn't sign up for you to destroy yourself and you both have to live with it even if if means ending the relationship. There maybe someone who looks like what he wants and someone who Likes how you look and that's better for you both in the end.
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