Am I happy I found this site!

Am I happy I found this site!  It's helps me feel that what I'm feeling is rather normal.  So here's my story.  Me and my ex girlfriend are trying to work things out in hopes of getting back together.  I'm 5'9", male, and I was very skinny for most my life up until about 3 or 4 yrs ago.  I used to weigh 130 lbs, now I'm up to 170 lbs after eating and working out.  I'm still looking to gain another 15 lbs of muscle and I'm actively pursuing my goal.  I'm working out between 4 and 6 days a week.  I'm doing all this cause I hated being skinny growing up, I hated always being skinnier than my girlfriends, I used to have sex with the lights off, I could never pick my girlfriend up and spin her around when she told me great news.  I used to find chubby girls attractive.  But it was specifically voluptuous girls that I liked, you know, big boobs and big asses got me excited and I was willing to deal with a little flab here and there "in exchange".  I liked skinny women too and I'm still attracted to both these body types today.  But my issue is that I'm getting older and now I look at the women I date as potential wives one day, not just a girlfriend.  Therefore my standards are higher.  I want a slim sexy and healthy wife who will live a long life and instill good health habits to our children.  Also, as silly as it sounds, I want a wife that can defend herself and/or escape from attackers or any other type of danger.   She needs to at least have a chance of running in and out of a burning building to save our other 2 kids that I can't also fit on my back while I'm running in and out that building along side her to save all 4 of our future kids.  If my wife is too fat, we're all gonna die in there! My ex is 24, 5'6", has a very pretty face, long gorgeous hair and a sexy but tasteful fashion sense.  She was slightly chubbier than what I was used to when we first met, about 170ish, and wasn't very curvy but I was still attracted to her. Then she even lost a couple pounds and that was the best she had looked since we've met. She had a job which required a lot of walking and then she got a good job which required a lot of sitting around. That's when she started gaining, I would estimate about 25 to 30 pounds pretty fast. I noticed a little bit of a waddle when she walked, compared to her sexy walk in her heels it's a big difference. Anyway, we had some trouble, I left her, now we're trying to reconcile.   When we would talk and she would tell me how she felt about me and what I mean to her, she would always mention "and I love how you accept me for who I am even with my flaws.". That's where the guilt hits me. That I know I'm not actually as accepting as she thinks I am because this whole weight thing bothers me a lot.  She does tell me that she's on diets and she says she exercises but I don't know if it's true because her fridge has a lot of junk in it and she seems to always look a little fatter each time I see her, and I'm losing my physical attraction to her.  It's especially tough for us since I'm trying to gain while she's trying to lose so, when we eat together there's a lot of unspoken conflict.  She cooks me these wonderful weight gaining meals when I go to her place and she cooks enough to last a couple days so.. Of course she's eating it when I'm gone.  Anyway..... I don't know what to do. 
That's my story.

Posted by XChubChaser 
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum