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Thursday, November 3, 2011

Confessions of a Fat Wife

Hello everyone! I stumbled onto this site looking up a search on google about other women who's husband were no longer attracted to them. You see, I was feel ing horrible. I tried to initiate sex with my husband only for him to push me away, or rather my hand away. My story is a long one and one I really would like to share. So, here goes.

When my husband and I met I was about a size 8-10, depending on what i was trying to fit into. I am 5'2 and I was at 150, I worked out about 3 times a week and tried to eat healthy. He was very attrated to me. When we got married I was around 160, but I still worked out and tried to eat healthy, so I wasn't really flabby and he was still attracted to me. I started to gain weight soon after we got married. I know why I did. I was lazy, ate a lot, didn't exercise and was (and still am) addicted to a game called World of Warcraft. Now if no one knows what World of Warcraft (WoW) is, its an online game that is highly addictive. So since it is addictive, you spend countless hours sitting at the computer...playing. Needless to say I balooned up to almost 180. I kept thinking that I was fine how I was because my husband still had sex with me and was still attracted to me. Not so.

About six months after we married, I caught my husband looking at porn. I was devestated. 'Am I not enough for him?' I'd ask myself. I cried hysterically about this and after a while, I just started to feel numb. I started to resent him for not loving me the way I was. 'This isn't fair', I'd think 'he is supposed to love me unconditionally!' So, I started to exercise. I don't think I lost any weight. The exercising was sporadic and I still ate horrendously. I suppose the only good thing was I didn't gain anymore weight, I just maintained the almost 180 lbs. He continued to look at porn and I continued to resent him. Eventually, it took a very huge toll on our relationship.

In the fall of 08, he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I was crushed of course and I asked him why. He told me various reasons. One of which was that he wasn't attracted to me anymore because I had gained weight. I was very pissed off, really. But what pissed me off even more was that I found out he was talking to and seeing another woman. I was enraged, I'd never been so hurt and angry in my life. How could this man, the one whom was supposed to love me no matter what, tell me he did not want to be in a relationship and then go and see another woman? So, I called this other woman and told her to back the hell off. She did, but my husband still wanted a divorce. Eventually we did reconcill, though it took me leaving and actually saying to hell with it let's get a divorce to do so. We made an agreement about things that would change. One of the things was that I'd lose weight. This agreement happened in January and I only started to try may. I know is an excuse, but I was really very busy. I had school and my classes kept me very busy. I have went down to 160, I think. I am not entirely sure of my weight only because our scale is on the fritz and tells me a much lower weight that I'd be very happy to be at, but am not really. Which is frustrating. We still don't really have sex. And I was still resentful to him about that, up until I found this site.

I never saw it from his point of view. I never stopped to think what if I was in his situation. I can't help but feel selfish for doing this to him. I put him through feeling guilty about not being attracted to me. I am glad he told me that though, but I very much wish he'd told me sooner. I went through a lot of psychological things, thinking I was not good enough, that I was disgusting and unworthy of attention and love.

I am trying very hard to lose this weight and get down to a size 6, which for me I guess would be about 135 or so. I do NOT want to be a slob of a woman. I try and eat healthy. Fruit salad with cottage cheese (yum) for breakfast, either a sandwhich with low cal bread and some grapes for lunch or a chicken salad with grapes and cheese for lunch, and for dinner I have either some baked/grilled chicken with veggies or a chicken salad with grapes and cheese. As for exercising, I am trying very hard with that. I bought an exercise dvd that is split into 2 stages, a beginner's 30 min exercise or an intermediate 50 min exercise. I tried both and I do both depending on how I feel that day. I also walk 8 miles with my mom in law (who is aslo trying to lose around 20 lbs)on occasion, it depends on if she has time. And I go to the YMCA with her, again if she has time. I try and exercise at least 3 times a week. So far I am in a medium, which excites me and I JUST fit into a size 10. I am very proud of myself. I hope I have inspired someone's wife or husband who needs to lose weight into doing so. It is not hard, really. There are lots of healthy, yummy foods out there. You just need to try them. It will be hard the first week, but after that you will get used to it. Same with exercising, try to do some cardio about 30 mins a day and you will get used to it quickly. Your body and your spouse will thank you.

And I thank My Fat Spouse for opening my eyes. I never knew exactly what my husband was feeling until I read what people were typing.

Posted by Chibionna on the My Fat Spouse Forum

1 comment:

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