I am 5ft 4 and have weighed between 135 and 145 pounds most of my adult life. I had with my partner for 9 years when we ended it. The first five, excluding about 8 months, I was active and fit. The summer before we broke up I probably was at my heaviest at maybe 147. I have always identified as athletic and have demonstrated this over the course of our relationship, at times being very fit and active (running, cycling, team sports, spinning classes, gym attendance, etc), and at others, less so. He said he was afraid I was an emotional eater and wouldn't state it, but I'm pretty sure he was afraid I would get fat if we married. We would joke about my hatred of the word "savour" as he would make one piece of chocolate last 20 minutes. It was a little 'holier than thou' and would make me feel sensitive around eating treats around him.
His mother struggled a lot with her weight and he was impacted by its affect on her. I have been vegetarian for 10+ years and prefer healthy meals. I did much of the cooking, often choosing meals to please him, rather than simpler meals involving foods like kale that he did not like. He could eat anything and gain nothing. Sweets stick to me, and the summer before we broke up, I was spending way too much time hovering over the Nutella jar.
I have never been a "skinny" girl. I'm curvy and more of an athletic build. Some guys like this, some guys don't. He never told me that my body was unattractive to him, but he didn't tell me it was attractive either. During our break-up conversation he told me that the fitness of my arms affected his desire, as in his ability to be attracted to me was directly related to the tone of my arms. I accused him of thinking I was fat and he didn't deny it. The women he is interested in dating, as evidenced by who he 'friends' on facebook, are all women with very skinny arms and legs -- a body-type which is unattainable to me. In tears, I told him that I was afraid of losing my youthful beauty (I've recently come to that point in my young female life that pretty faces don't last forever) and he told me, to supposedly cheer me up, that I could always go to the gym.
I am now at the lower end of my weight spectrum, at 136. I am *really hurt* by the thought that if I gain 10 pounds I am sexually repulsive. Arguably, while my weight change is narrow, the muscle tone has varied greatly. Is eating a whole box of cookies once in a while really such a big deal? Is emotional eating really such a big deal? Just because I make myself feel better with a cookie, and a guy does it with beer and some chicken wings, am I somehow less disciplined and assumed to balloon when I get married?
I know now that cooking to please your man, even when they are vegetarian meals, is dangerous. I want my partner to think I'm beautiful well into old age. There is so much anxiety as a woman around beauty and weight and aging. You end up feeling crappy about yourself, which does not help with motivation for exercise. I don't really feel like I can win.
Posted by curious123 on