About a little more than two years ago I was still holding onto hope that my situation would improve. My wife and I had been separated several times, but somehow always managed to get back together-usually after making promises of trying harder to give up the countless carbs and tons of sugar and ice cream. Then suddenly, and out of the blue she just gave up-threw her arms up and quit! No, not just quit-she told me under no uncertain terms that she was tired of trying to lose weight, that it was too hard, that she liked carbs, sugar, ice cream, cheese, and fatty foods and the way they all made her feel, that they made her feel good and she needed that, and she wasn’t going to try to stop eating anymore; and if I didn’t like it, that was just too bad-that I could get a divorce because she was never gonna change and she just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just love her unconditionally the was she was. So that’s when I threw in the towel and filed for divorce. She later told me that she didn’t think I would seriously do it, until the day she was served the papers.
Fast forward-about six months after the divorce while visiting a friend I bumped into a gorgeous gal. It was like a bolt out of the blue-love at first site! I had never felt anything quite like it before except for maybe my first true love when I was sixteen(I almost married her when she turned 18, but her parents had other plans.) I had been casually dating since the divorce, but I honestly thought it would take several years to find someone I would be able to marry. Anyhow, the rest is as they say, history. We were married several months ago and both are quite happy. We are still in the honeymoon phase, but I think we are both fairly well grounded in the marriage. Of course, we each have our own peculiarities, but we are so much alike in so many ways-it just plain works. What is really wonderful is that I now have a spouse who “gets it.” She understands me and she knows why I divorced my ex(My ex made certain of that, as she had to tell my bride rather bluntly, “He divorced me for no other reason than I just got fat!”. Boy, was my ex surprised when my bride told her she already knew that and had no problem with it, because she knew what it took to make a man happy and she was willing to do what it takes-namely, to take care of herself.)
I wish I could tell you that it was all a bed of roses, but that would be a lie. divorce is never really easy, especially when kids are involved, but I can honestly say that for the first time in a very long time I am truly happy. I have a few more years before my youngest child will be out of the house, so there re bound to be concerns. About the only regret I have presently is that I didn’t do the divorce sooner. I really don’t think I did my children any favors by delaying the inevitable as long as I did. They later admitted to me that they knew all along that their mother and I had been having problems for a long time and that we were basically staying together just for them. The hardest part is not being physically close(in distance) to them as I was before my remarriage. So maybe, it would have been better to have waited to remarry for the sake of my children? I don’t know. Sometimes though, before you can properly take care of others, you need to first take care of yourself.
Presently, I suppose I’m feeling a little like Jean Valjean from Les Misérables who’s prison sentence was nearly the same length as my term in fat hell-almost 20 years. Not that my entire marriage was a living hell, there were many happy memories too-my children, for instance. But, I sometimes wonder how it might have been more joy filled had I not had to deal with the addictions with which my wife suffered and struggled so greatly. It certainly would be a different tale to tell-It probably would not have ended in divorce. Though, this is not the end, only a new beginning. Well, at least for me it is.
Now, for those who struggle with these things, if you be the one who suffers, the spouse of an obese partner, you have my empathy-and if you be the obese spouse-my sympathy. I think I can speak for a few others hear as well, you have theirs too. I would not like to see any divorce, with but few exceptions. Marriage can be hard enough on its own, however, gluttony and obesity are matters that weigh on the relations between a man and a woman in ways which no other can. If sex is to be the barometer of a healthy marriage as some have advocated, then I can think of little else within the control of most sane adults that could be more damaging and damning than willfully allowing oneself to become obese to the degree in which natural sexual relations become greatly frustrated, or nearly impossible altogether.
This is a great problem that is plaguing much of the world, affecting millions. The solutions appear to be rather plain to most who are educated in these matters, however, those choices that must be made on a daily, even a constant bases, apparently are not so easy for many. I would add that I think choices themselves are not so difficult, rather it’s the “doing” part that seems to cause many grief. So, the way may not be easy-only it will be worth it. Unfortunately, it is often a hard thing to accept the fact that with it comes to obesity within a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, the ultimate responsibility is on each individual. It took me many years to finally get that-that I could not make my wife eat better, or exercise, or even loose one single ounce of fat-that ultimately, in the end it was her choice. The only power I had, other than offering my support, was deciding what I was going to do about the situation.
Now you know the rest of the story(or at least the juicy part), but it’s not over yet by any means. Life will go on just as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow, but where we are when it does largely depends on the choices we make today.
Posted by Mojo on Matilda Tuesday's