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Monday, April 1, 2013

Used Cars and Fat Spouses

 We humans are the most complicated creatures on Earth, and after centuries of studying the human psyche, modern science has only now begun to scratch the surface into understanding it-so who can know for certain why anyone feels anything at all?  Nonetheless, when logic and reason is applied to what we have already learned about the human race, it can take us a long way in helping us understand better why we do the things we do.  “Feeling hurt” is a human emotion that is usually triggered in response to what we perceive as the negative actions of another, i.e. spouse, S.O., friend, partner, etc.  In the same way most people feel physical pain when beaten or abused, others suffer emotional injury when they feel that their mate has in some way violated some term of their relationship in any number of various ways.  Relationships are often based on mutual trust; trust that both parties will cooperate with each other by working together within certain mutually agreed upon conditions or terms whether openly acknowledged or implied, helping to meet the needs of the other which as separate individuals they would be unlikely or unable to meet alone; the right hand washes the left, as the left hand washes the right-you scratch my itch and I’ll scratch yours.  After settling into a marriage or relationship, if one mate forsakes the other by neglecting their appearance, it is often naturally perceived either consciously or at least subconsciously by the other as violating something deeply innate and primal within each of us, yet exactly what that is is little understood by many.   

   A loose analogy could be likened to a someone who tirelessly worked long and hard to finally save enough capital to purchase the best automobile they could reasonably afford that best appealed to a balance of their various senses and reasoning based on their interpretation of their understanding gained on a particular model:  a visual sense of what was attractive: style, color, shape, symmetry, accessories, and ornament if any; tactile senses, like leather interior, seating position and soforth; and performance desires, like having extra horsepower if needed for a little extra excitement and driving pleasure, while at the same time best meeting practical transportation needs with the least maintenance requirements fitting within a certain budget. Then, after making the sacrifice of time, energy, effort, and funds to make the best purchase, the new owner discovers that the salesman or previous owner had misrepresented or outright lied about certain problems or defects, some of which might render the vehicle either outright useless, too cost prohibitive to repair, or even a expensive liability in some cases.  I realize that using this sort of analogy may be opening a Pandora’s Box to criticism, as some may feel that making such a comparison is crude or shallow, but I wanted to use something very obvious and easy to grasp by being plainly transparent. 
   Dating, mating, and marriage, from a basic nuts and bolts perspective, is really not much more different from the analogy I used, only it’s a million times more complicated regarding certain other "specifics".  In a nutshell, the primary matter is that within each of us is a predetermined genetic program that drives us to reproduce by finding, wooing, and winning by truth, triumph, or trick, and keeping long enough the best mate(s) that possesses the best possible genetic material to pass on to our offspring 50% of our own genetic material, thus allowing them the best possible chance of survival to eventually do the same.  Scientifically, it has been proven that visual indicators of symmetry and form (or attractiveness) are the chief indicators among others that humans use in making these selections-and most of these responses happen on a subconscious level of which we are basically unaware.  I don’t have time to elaborate further now, so I’ll save that subject for another time. 

I often feel emotionally hurt by the situation I’m in where my wife, for whatever reason(s,) no longer feels the need to maintain a reasonable level of health or appearance. It could be that perhaps she feels she didn’t make such a good catch as she had thought originally, or maybe she thinks I wouldn’t be able to do any better so she’s safe because I’ll have to stay put.  However, I also realize that that feeling of “being hurt” I have experienced all too often is a negative emotion which is based upon my own perception.  Don’t take this the wrong way; there’s no doubt about it, she’s fat-real fat in fact; 100 plus or more pounds overweight according to her doctor, but my perception of this fact has no real influence on the reality of her condition or how she perceives it for herself; rather my perception can really only affect how I feel about it and what I decide to do about it.  That’s where the really hard part comes in because I can no more change my perception of this reality then I can prevent my knee from jerking when my physician taps it with a percussor.  Nature has made me uncomfortable for a reason, and I believe I know what that reason is.  “Pain” is often the percussor that hammers us to take action and do something, even if that’s nothing more than to “move”.  One of the problems of our time in this modern age, is that the environment in which our genetic programming was formed, is far removed from us today-yet still that same programing guides nearly every thought and every decision we make in this brave new world.  Today things are much more complicated then they were when humans were more closely in tune with their natural environment and their own natures.  This sometimes causes me to feel like a fish out of water. 

 Mojo posted these thoughts on the My Fat Spouse Forum

1 comment:

  1. Sorry you feel so let down by your husband. I can understand how much it angers you when you are putting all the effort into looking after yourself and he is not. It's impossible to be attracted to someone who has changed beyond all recognition. Yes , other people will call you shallow but it's easy for them when they don't have to live with the embarrassment every time to go out. As a man who was once in love with a slim woman who changed so drastically once we were married , I can understand totally. I eventually filed for divorce and yes I felt shallow but you only get one life and I wanted to spend it with someone who I was actually attracted to. I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make.

    Regards ,



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