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Sunday, August 21, 2011

Bait & Switch Works Both Ways

When I met my husband, we were both in the military. I struggled with my weight even back then. I was 170 lbs and I'm 5'6. My body fat and Physical Test scores both met the standard, so it didn't affect my career. I ate less than other people, didn't eat unhealthy food and ran more than my co-workers, but could never slim down. I accepted that my metabolism is obviously slower than the average persons, but still always put the effort in- knowing if I didn't, I would just end up bigger. I always dated bigger guys and men who liked thicker women because I knew, I would never be slender. My husband is the first very lean man I dated (he's been flagged as underweight in the military before). My husband met me and proposed to me at that size, 8 years ago. Since then my weight AND size has gone below that, but never above, excluding pregnancy. After having our first child, I was smaller than my pre-pregnancy size by 6 months out and I was pregnant with twins (lost one). He has had emotional affairs from early on in our marriage (only recently found out) and never stopped having them (different women, same behavior). ALL of these women have been on the heavier side (my size). I am not perfect, but I was not a "loser spouse" either. I worked full time, took care of our son with no help from him, did all of the household chores, cooked healthy dinners every night and encouraged him to spend time with his friends and family. During this time I also have taken care of my physical appearance, not JUST weight but my grooming and clothing as well. I get told frequently that I am attractive, beautiful, smart, a great- easy going girl, by other men of all walks and shapes. My husband on the other hand, has been a horrible husband in his own assessment. I won't even get into details, but Dr. Phil would have a field day with him.  On top of it he's been extremely critical and cold towards me. I'm now 7 months pregnant and 170 pounds. Excluding the baby bump, I am smaller than I was when we met. I also recently found out I have hypothyroidism. Obviously I try hard to maintain my weight, or I would be much bigger with those two factors being considered. My husband has told me that, he cheated because I was fat. He didn't treat me well, because I was fat. He developed a porn addiction, because I was fat. He likes slender athletic girls. I am a logical person and I try not to take that personally (though I do take his treatment of me personally offensive). People can't help what/ who they are attracted too. I am aware of that. I do want a divorce now though. He has used my weight to devalue me as a person for the last 8 years and as an excuse to siphon off resources from me and our son (time, attention, money) to other women. I don't meet his preference and most likely never will- I have tried (not in a "just saying that" way, I have genuinely always made weight loss a priority in my life, because if I don't, I would balloon out of control). He doesn't want a divorce. He says he finds me attractive, but he's just always been obsessed with slender women and can't help wanting them more. He wants to stay together, somehow thinking that eventually physical appearance won't be "as important" to him in a romantic partner, as it is now. He does however, tell me things would be much better between us- if I slimmed down. By the way, he does not work out or watch what he eats at all. He is naturally slender, but he is not toned. I truly feel like the bait and switch and was done TO ME. I never presented myself as a slender girl, I didn't lose a bunch of weight and then pack it on after we got married. He told me he thought I was beautiful, I was his type, etc... My physical appearance has INCLINED steadily over the years, not declined. I didn't "get lazy" on him. He on the other hand, became lazy and disinterested the minute the ring was on my finger. The bait and switch works both ways. If you marry someone when they are fat, through your OWN choice (not because of pregnancy or social pressure) it is JUST as unfair to expect them to change, as it is to be upset that they have changed. So my question here, is too all of the disgruntled spouses. Do you find it fair that even after years of horrible treatment and marrying me at a bigger size, that he is pressuring me to salvage the marriage, by attending counseling with him and by continuing to work on slimming down?

posted by StilltheSame on the My Fat Spouse Forum


  1. Leave his ass!!!!!!!!!
    You are beautiful the way you are!!!
    Don't let that good for nothing bastard devalue any longer!!!

    Ok I just had a moment of personal venting. I am aware that this man is your husband and I am sorry for insulting him in that manner but, ummm he deserved it.

    You and I both know you deserve better and I am quite suprised that you stayed with him for so long.

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