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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Weight Gain Simplified

 A diet plan is a must-have when it comes to weight gain. It can be just as hard to gain weight as to lose it. I have spoken before about the concept of the obese as athletes of their own, a form of body builder or marathon maniac if you will. Any of these lifestyles would require a strict diet, one that is stuck to religiously. I bring you my personal account of my own diet, the one that made me soar past the 400lb mark. I am now Super Obese.

Your jaw has dropped, you can't pick it up from the floor- you're stunned. How did a woman at my height of 5' reach a staggering FOUR HUNDRED pounds?

Dedication my Fatling friends. I picked my plan, and I stuck to it, no matter what hubby said. No matter who was offering me a salad instead. I was hardcore. Similar to how the thin ones refuse to snack on our gluttonous offerings and partake in the fast and processed food industry with our kind of gusto.

If you wanna get real fat, really fast this is the diet for you. Consider it the parallel to using steroids for a bodybuilder. Only we aim to take up even more space than these guys. Muscle weighs more than fat, but fat is still bigger and more in your face. Who do you think would win in a fight?

First, the foods. We need you to adopt what I have coined as the 'Snake Grocery Grid', after the popular cell phone game. Basically, when you shop at the Supermart(remember we're going for super obese)- and never the impoverished and unpreserved Farmer's Market- you're gonna wanna slink your cart up and down the aisles, but stay away from the sides. Okay, there are some exceptions in the sides, but only the most fattening foods! I want you to grab some baby back, baby back, baby back ribs!

You need to be eating several times a day, but you might think to yourself that this method would boost the metabolism. Actually, it doesn't. If you take in more calories than you burn, you gain weight, plain and simple. To add one pound of body fat, you need to be eating 3500 calories more than your Basal Metabolic Rate. On top of taking in your BMR of course.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and you’ve got to overload your system right from the get go if you’re a true gainer. Instead of toast or cereal, step things up with a greasy breakfast sandwich, or even a toasted bagel with cream cheese. Most bagels equate to three slices of bread, especially from a restaurant, and most cream cheese is like 4 or 5 points per tablespoon on a Weight Watcher’s plan, so if you’re wanting to watch your weight go up, you’ll blow the toast out of the water with this one. If you’re a coffee drinker, make sure you order it double cream, double sugar, otherwise opt for a latte. A large latte is basically just a big cup of sweetened hot milk, so this is a great option for anyone wanting to add the pounds. If you’re real ambitious, add whipped cream to that.

Now for brunch. Brunch itself is said to have originated from a wealthy Fatling who could never quite make it to lunch after breakfast, but couldn’t settle for a snack. As a rather positive consequence, the mealtime now known as brunch was born. Rather than grabbing a chocolate bar or a bag of crackers, try to make this daily milestone a meal of it’s own. A fatty Caesar Salad with Croutons and extra cheese, or a hearty bowl of cream-based soup should do. If you aren’t quite to this level of calorie consumption, stick with the chocolate or carb-laden nibbles. Whatever you do, don’t grab an apple or anything that isn’t gonna shake up your glycemic load.

For lunch, try to look around you. Most of your co-workers are probably fat, so it’s a safe bet for you to order out with them. You have enjoy yourself once in a while, and what better way to do this than to eat what everyone else is eating? Food is love, and everyone will love you if you’re eating the same crap as them. Pizza, deep fried anything, Hamburgers, even a submarine sandwich if you order the right thing, can only help to tip the scale toward your goals. By lunchtime, I recommend that you are already over the daily limit for a normal person as far as calories go.

The 3 pm wall of hunger hits as all the sugar and carbs you’ve been gorging on leave you in a bloodsugar rut. Fear not! This is a sign you’re headed in the right direction. Now’s a good time to hit up the office vending machine, or grab a few cookies. This should give you the Oomph you need to make it through the rest of the day, and get you home to the dinner table.

Dinner. Another one of the most important meals of the day. By the time you get home you probably don’t feel like cooking, so again, order out, or opt for something premade and packaged obtained from our handy snake grid method of shopping. This is probably a little cheaper, for those of you who can’t quite afford that level of excess. As an extra little tip, I recommend you’re nibbling on whatever you can as you prepare the meal. Those little bites add up fast! Don’t forget dessert as well.

7 Pm rolls around and everyone knows if you’re trying to lose the rolls this is the cutoff for eating. But the glutton is usually feeling their hunger strongest at this time. Good thing this is when your metabolism is often slowest- it’s the best time to gain! My diet plan allows for you to eat whatever you want in this slot. Take advantage of this time as you’re pretty much eating double: when you hit the hay it’s going straight to fat along with whatever excess you had up to this point.

Don’t forget a bedtime snack as well, even an extra 100 calories in the form of a kids snack pack of cookies or a bowl of your favourite cereal. Eat late, if you want to gain weight! OINK!

And there you have it, bonafide advice to catapault your weight gain goals and get your gut to where you want it to be. I hope this helps some of the fat spouses here stick it to their spouse and add an extra 25lbs to the tension!

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1 comment:

  1. Hey :)
    I see you follow my Danish Ed awareness site hehe I think you should follow the one in english instead :D since im guessing you meant to follow that one unless you understand danish? The english one is here:

    Take care! I love the post by the way haha you'r funny :D


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