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Monday, April 12, 2010

I’m asking for your help and I am very serious.

I met my husband in 1988. We were both just out of college and I saw him playing volleyball one night at a local bar. He was the star of the team; the Alpha male and the center of attention! He was not only the most athletic person on his team, but he was the most handsome man at the bar that night, as evidenced by the girls who were nuts over him!

I was there with some of my girlfriends who talked me into approaching him. Now I’m not saying I’m the hottest thing going, but back then – I was much similar to most college girls: work out, watch what I eat, etc. I approached him, asked for his number and we went out. It was almost love at first sight – as he told me he had his eye on me all night, similar to the thoughts I had about him.

That was the summer of 1988, and we married in the spring of 1989. 17 years, two children, three dogs and a cat later and we are still married … for the moment.

Here is my dilemma and the problem I need help with: about six or seven years ago, my husband began living a life separate from mine. He stopped going to the gym with me shortly after our two children were born, he began bringing home and eating junk food (previously NOT allowed in our home) and he found sweat pants! You now - the ONE PAIR OF BAD, GRAY SWEAT PANTS! Crotch worn, dirty, stained, and smelly!

I didn’t think too much of it at first – as we were busy with children, ball games, babysitters and so forth. But, I now find myself in need of help. I still belong and go to the same gym we have had our membership at for all these years. I am actually 10 pounds lighter than the day I married him. I am much more fit, toned, trim and – in my opinion – keeping up with the rest of the ladies my age. I do this for myself and for him/our marriage. He, on the other hand, is now 100 pounds heavier than the day we met, wears the same clothes he has worn for years – until the waist band no longer fits and then we just buy bigger, bad clothing. He belches and he farts around, not only the neighbors, friends and my children but me as well. He takes a shower about twice a week. He hasn’t been to the gym with me in years and worst of all, we NEVER have sex any more.

I am frustrated! I have guys checking me out at the grocery store. It makes me feel good. I have guys ask me out when I go out with the girls for a drink after work, despite my wedding ring on. Total strangers give me compliments I haven’t heard from my husband in years. This summer, I have had enough!

I have shared my feelings with my co-workers (all of them completely grossed out by him at this point) and girlfriends and they have encouraged me to take it to the next level.

I have made subtle hints to him over the past couple of years, getting stronger and stronger with my language as the months go by. Recently, however, at the suggestion of my best friend, I finally dropped the bomb!

I am tired of having no life! I am tired of not feeling appreciated. And I am really, really tired of missing the days when we were both attractive, sexy and turned on by one another. I miss sex!

I’m asking for your help and I am very serious. You must have listeners who are going though something similar. With nearly 60% of the population categorized as overweight, I can’t be alone.

What are some of the things they’ve tried to get their spouse in shape? What are ways they use to get them to lose weight?

I am so nervous about this and I would really appreciate your thoughtfulness on this matter.

Posted by Frustrated Wife on the My Fat Spouse Forum.


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  2. I understand where you're coming from and I'm sure it is really stressful to be tied to someone who seems to not even care about their own health...


    Unfortunately, the only real way to get your spouse to lose the weight is for him to want to lose it. He's not going to feel remotely motivated by being harped on or made to feel as less of a person, and he's probably not going to feel all that motivated by you threatening to leave him because of his weight. All that says to someone who is overweight (and probably depressed also, considering the sudden lack of interest in a lifestyle he once enjoyed) is that you don't really respect or love him.

    Something that might work is making him feel attractive and flirting with him. It might be hard if you're grossed out by him, but it would possibly give him more motivation and reason to get into shape and really be sexy for you to get more of that kind of response and attention from you. You can't force the decision on him, and trying to do so will only cause resentment and probably cause him to just give up entirely on the idea... why bother if he's going to lose you anyway and if you're already disgusted with him?

    Try to show him that you DO love him and that you DO care about him and that you DO want to be around him. He's still a human being, believe it or not, and deep down in there is still the man you fell in love with. There's most likely a reason why he suddenly gave up the gym and why his motivation dwindled. Try to connect with him and help guide him back on track, without calling him out and humiliating him.

    Think about dating vs marriage. When you're dating someone, just seeing that person is amazing and brightens up your day. You love spending time with that person. You dote on them. You make them feel like they're on top of the world and that they're wanted and sexy, and they do the same for you. Both of you are motivated to be your sexiest and keep that spark alive...

    What happens when you get married and settle down with each other? Most likely, one or both partners become complacent, comfortable, the flirting dies down, the sexual spark dies down, other things become more pressing and important, seeing your spouse every day might even become a sense of "ugh" instead of the joy it once brought. That attention and feeling of being on top of the world and attractive in the eyes of your loved one kind of dissipates. Try to bring that spark back and maybe, just maybe, he'll wake up and realize he's still the man you fell head over heels for and he can still look like that man, too.

    Just a thought...

  3. Also, to further my point, you posted:

    "I am frustrated! I have guys checking me out at the grocery store. It makes me feel good. I have guys ask me out when I go out with the girls for a drink after work, despite my wedding ring on. Total strangers give me compliments I haven’t heard from my husband in years. This summer, I have had enough"

    Can I ask you when the last time you flirted with and complimented your husband? I'm sure with the sound of the resentment in your post, you stopped doing so around the same time he stopped saying them to you. Trust me, as good as those compliments from others felt to you, compliments from you to him will feel great for him, too. He's overweight. I bet his self-esteem has hit rock bottom also. Give him some support and show him you still love him and that you're there for him. That's what marriage is supposed to be about these days, love and support. He's supposed to be your partner in crime (well, maybe not literal crime, but still)! Make him feel like he matters. Basically, treat him the way you want him to treat you, and maybe even try improving communication with him (marriage counseling?) to get those resentments in the open and dealt with in a respectful manner, if the marriage is something you wish to save.

    Again, just my thoughts on this subject. :)


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