Proximity bias - why leading by example doesn't work

One of the most common pieces of advice handed out to unhappy fit spouses is to "lead by example", I've probably dished it out myself more times than I can remember. And yet, as most of you probably know all too well already, it rarely works. If it's any consolation, there's a scientific term for it, "proximity bias", meaning in plain language that people don't respect your knowledge and take your advice if they know you intimately.

Chris Shugart (yes, yes, I know, I keep quoting him, but it's because I usually like what he has to say) wrote an article on it, you can read it below.

However, in this context I can't resist relating my own experiences with proximity bias. In a nutshell, I'm very lean and fit but my husband of 20+ years is borderline obese. He'd like to lose weight and get in better shape but can't seem to find the right way to go about it. I keep trying to tell him what to do, but somehow to him I'm just lil' ol' me, and he seems to think I am what I am today because of genetics and my personality, not because I actually might have a fair amount of knowledge and personal experience as to how to lose fat permanently and get and stay in shape. Still, he has seen me go through a period when I was getting both fat, sedentary and unhealthy, but I managed to make a lasting lifestyle change almost two decades ago. Sure, I don't have any official credentials and can't call myself an expert and I've never worked as a personal trainer and I don't consider myself an athlete. To me what I do is just my normal way of life, nothing noteworthy or exceptional.

On the other hand, I often have new acquaintances inquire about what kind of sport I do, one fellow who is a plastic surgeon noted that I must be extremely active as it shows in the way I look and how I move. At the age of 44 I had a hysterectomy and at the pre-op medical check my doc stated "ah, so you must be an athlete". When I woke up post-op there was some sort of beep-alarm going off and a lot of commotion in the room, but the nurse at my bedside called out "don't worry, she's an athlete, her pulse is supposed to be very low". I recently joined a new gym, and at my introduction session the PT said, as we shook hands and introduced ourselves, "so you've obviously exercised a lot before". Later on one day the owner came up to me and stated that "you've obviously been exercising for several years, what kind of stuff have you done - I can see that you like working hard" and then went on to show me how to do squats, bench presses and assisted pullups, no extra charge (I'm a newbie at free weights). And so on and so forth, so I guess I know a thing or two that could come in useful for my hubby. And yet, he's not very interested in my "expertise". But lo and behold, this winter one of his buddies he hadn't seen for six months had lost a lot of weight and appeared much healthier than before. Hubs asked him what he'd done, and it turned out that he had followed the Michel Montignac-principles for half a year and was, of course, very enthusiastic. Montignac is a French chap who's written a diet-book that is basically new-school Atkins with a few twists. His conclusions are mostly bull***t, but there's plenty of lean proteins and enough fruit and veg to keep you healthy, so provided you control the amount you eat you certainly can and will lose weight on it.

My initial reaction was to tell hubs that there really is nothing that special about this particular diet, and in fact the science of it is completely flawed, but his response was "what do you know and look at this guy (his buddy), he's a walking testimony that it must work big time". - Okay, so I did the sensible thing and swallowed my pride and have been cooking "a la Montignac" for a couple of months now. Sure, hubby has actually lost some weight, although the process is very slow as he doesn't exercise that much and still tries to cheat whenever I turn my back. Good thing is he's found something he actually believes in and at least really tries to stick with. My "you shouldn't really eat that" never hit home, but a "that is not allowed on Montignac" is surprisingly effective! So whatever floats your boat and so on... and understanding "proximity bias" helps me deal with the fact that my knowledge and expertise is worth less than that of a populistic Frenchman and a guy who very recently managed to lose part of his excess weight....

Anyways, here's the article I was talking about