Can't get past the hurt...

I'm an overweight spouse. The thing is, I had recommitted to losing weight and starting to exercise/take care of myself again in the last year. Then my husband of many years says that he is not attracted to me anymore, that he thinks I need to lose weight, get a tan, wear dresses, and do any number of things in order for "him" to feel better toward me. He did mention health as a concern, and he's right, though I will say all my vitals are checked regularly (I have thyroid condition and get checkups every 3 mos) and everything is healthy/normal, except my weight. So I think 10% of him is concerned for my health, the other 90% just wants a skinny wife. That realization is hard to accept, because I honestly believe I don't look at people that way. If he gains or loses 30-40 pounds, unless it causes health problems that he doesn't like, I am fine with it. I think people are more than some number on a scale, but obviously my husband and many on the forums disagree - hence why I'd like your feedback.  

I was on the self-motivated path, but after hearing him confirm what society is already chanting ("down with the fatties" or some other form of criticism), I am now unable to move past it and continue the journey for myself. Now I am so depressed that I don't even see reason for functioning thru the day, much less exercising. I've read some of the forum posts here, those that say "just say you're not attracted and she'll snap out of her fatness" but that (a) is callous for me to read, and (b) doesn't help everyone in their approach. As in the case with me, it's having the opposite effect.

Hearing my husband say I need to change so he can like me more does not make me want to change. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come back out. I knew I was overweight and needed to get healthy, but when I looked in the mirror I saw someone who I liked, someone who does a lot for others, someone who is pretty special in many ways, but needed to get in shape eventually. Now I just see and hear my husband's comments. What, me? A decent person? Not anymore. Talented in her career? Nope. Apparently I'm just fat.  

I've considered leaving him. I've considered losing the weight and then leaving him. I've considered losing weight so he'll be happy and it'll be a way to keep my marriage intact.

But I'm asking - and it's something to think about for anyone who is about to bring up the subject with an overweight spouse - how do you mend the harm that comes from the words you say? I wish my husband had been more sensitive in how he told me.

And I suppose I never looked at my own weight as something he should be angry about. That was a surprise for me as I read thru these posts. Then again, I was heavy when we married so it's not like I transformed into someone else. I've gained maybe 40 pounds since our wedding - and it "fills out" over me nicely. I'm tall so it's not like I look pregnant or have a spare tire - it is spread out evenly, though I am overweight. So this whole "you have to change" came out of the blue, when I presumed he was a man who loved me unconditionally.

I'm not trying to be a troll or cause dissension. I am honestly trying to see another side to things that apparently my husband shares an opinion with. Any help is appreciated, as yes, I do hope to continue on my own weight loss journey for my own sake.

Posted by Gamatz
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Thirty Pounds Overweight

I'm in a LTR with a guy who is about 30 lbs overweight.  I've read some of the posts.  Compared to what I've read this is no big deal, right?  Well, it is when you're not sexually attracted to him anymore.  When we first met he was an elite athlete (national team level) and I was also a very competitive athlete in the same sport.  12 years later I'm still the same weight and very fit.  He weighs at least 30 lbs more and has lost muscle mass.  He's got a big belly, moobs and no upper body fitness.  He stills gets some exercise, but his diet and eating habits are horrendous.  I try to have healthy stuff to eat at home, but he basically eats nothing all day, then gorges himself at dinner and snacks on crap at night.  He thoroughly understands nutrition but fails to practice good habits.  I am not really interested in sex with him and his big belly and moobs.  I've entertained the idea of having sex outside the relationship, but that's not really right for me at this time.  I still have home that he may decide to be healthier in the future.  I make a lot of money and take good care of myself.  We have a good relationship for the most part, but now my resentment of his lack of responsibility to our relationship is turning me sour.  I'm in my early 40s.  I'm scared I'm going to wake up with his even fatter gut in 10 years and wonder where the time went.  I really want to be in a sexually healthy relationship.  I feel like a part of my identity is missing when I avoid sex because I'm not attracted to him.  Just look at our entertainment...it's ok and even expected for a guy to allow himself to be dumpy even when his wife/girlfriend is quite fit and attractive.  Ah, it feels so good to vent!

Posted by  JulieD
 on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum 

Great boyfriend but no sex life...

My current boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years.

When we first got together I figured it was going to be a temporary fling. We were/are good friends and had a lot of fun together. I had just gotten out of a 10 year relationship and wasn't thinking in the long term.

He has always been fat although he has gained since we have been together. He's a good 50-70lbs overweight. I never brought it up as I just didn't figure we would last long enough for me to have the right to say anything.

He goes back and forth with eating right and living clean. Then he's back on the soda pop and smoking weed and spending every minute in front of the tv. He makes much of his diet effort my responsibility. If I don't hold his hand with everything he has no self will.

I'm 5' 10 and 135lbs. He's 5'10 and somewhere between 250 and 270.

As it's turned out we have lasted way longer than I would have thought and I do love him very much. I'm entering my thirties and my clock is ticking, I want children but not with a fat person. He has a son who is obese. I just don't want that for my kids. And I don't want a father that puts his health at risk either.

We are no longer having sex. He doesn't even TRY to initiate. And in turn I'm relieved because I just can't stand the weight. His weight makes sex awkward.

How can I approach this at this point in the relationship?? Had I ever thought we would have lasted this long, I wouldn't have waited so long to jump on this subject. I just can't take the fat anymore. Or the laziness that goes along with it.

Posted by plulu on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum