At first I was appalled by the My Fat Spouse forum

At first I was appalled by the rude comments and impolite posts I read on the My Fat Spouse forum posts. The referral of overweight individuals as "fat asses" or just "fat" in general, lowered the credibility of this site as being a true refuge and forum for the other spouse. I didn't want to visit a site that bashed overweight people, but that provided constructive solutions to not only help me deal with the fact my spouse is overweight, but suggestions to promote weight loss.

The reply post by "keep making excuses" gave me another perspective that both husband and wife, regardless of who has the weight problem, are both victims in the situation. The weight problem is both their problem because it affects both people. And although "Moods" comments were not politically correct, nonetheless, he/she should still have a forum or a place to vent their frustrations candidly and without judgement. We have a voice too!!! And with year after year passing with the only change are the scales tipping as the pounds increase and wardrobe gets bigger (in size that is), you do reach a point where you don't know what the F**k to do. You can't force your spouse to lose weight and handcuff them to a treadmill. So instead you try to remain patient and wait for a miracle to occur of this lightbulb to go off in their head for them to wake up see the life they are missing. But until that day arrives, you, or I should say.... I am left with a cloud of shallow guilt of wanting a thinner sexy spouse.

One thing I can take from this sight is that my desires for a healthier slimmer spouse is not shallow or fueled by our media influenced culture. It reaffirmed that my desires are healthy and justified. I wish I knew what to do though. It is one thing to be right, but it doesn't change anything. I love her too much to leave, but I can't see myself continuing down this path for the rest of my life. We both deserve to be happy and at times I wish I had a fat fetish so she could feel desired. I sometimes think that I may be blocking her from finding someone who fully supports the Fat Acceptance Movement or just likes big women. Someone who will make her feel desired and loved just the way she is. Someone who will encourage her to be herself and not change to fit a societal mold. For 7 years I have tried to convinence myself I could be that person, but with an ulterior motive: That the none existence of stress to loose weight to keep your spouse or make them happy, would free or motivate her to lose weight. That because she is loved by someone unconditionally (whatever that means these days), she will love herself enough to improve her life and health by losing weight. Or am I just delusional?

Unconditional Love?

What does that mean? Despite me not having any desire for my wife doesn't mean I don't love her or does it. Is it possible to love someone unconditionally and not want to have sex with them? I dont' know if this is a good analogy or if it applies or if there are different types of love, but I love my parents unconditionally. I would never abandone them for any reason. And to put it back into the realm of marriage, is sex a factor of unconditional love?

posted by "guilted husband" on the My Fat Spouse forum

Answers for Excuses

1. I don't have time

Answer: Do you have time to watch television? Do you have time to play on the computer and surf the web? Then you have time to do some exercise! TIVO the shows she is insistant on seeing.

Offer to help her make time if she's overwhelmed with work and home life. Take a 30 minute walk together. It will only help. Exercise DOES NOT have to be a 2 hour production involving half an hour each way driving and an hour working out/showering/etc.

2. I don't have energy and just want to go to sleep.

Answer: The best way to get more energy is to exercise. You'll feel renewed, and sleep better! Don't reach for coffee if it keeps you up. Part of feeling tired could also be not drinking enough water, or overdoing it on carbs, having sugar crashes or having a heavy meal.

3. I'm too out of shape to run/My knees hurt

Answer: Bought a used eliptical and a universal machine for dirt cheap from the internet. <-can't argue this one! It's a good excuse killer. Also point out bicycling and stretching or yoga would probably be good things to do as well.

 4. I work out, but I never see results

 Answer: Learn the right way to work out, no sissy excercises. I showed my fiance that when she lifted weights (which, unfortunately was well over a year ago) she was lifting too little.....I DOUBLED the weight and she was still able to get in 12 reps Don't use the word "wussy" with her or "sissy". It fuels the negative self image she already is fighting to shed. Further to add to this... results take time to see. Even more time if you are not pushing yourself properly. If you can do 3 sets of 12 reps... you need to up the weight.

5. working out is boring

Answer: Then do something fun while excercising. I learned to turn jogging into running, as a sport, to play on my competetive side. During the winter I watch TV while lifting or running on the treadmill. I'd be watching TV anway! Play group sports or basketball with her. Join an indoor sports team now that it's getting colder outside. Exercise doesn't have to be what people think. A long walk at the mall, a hike outdoors, a walk in the park, are all exercise.

6. I'm sick/have alergies and can't breath well

 Answer: There is no such thing as a stuffed up runner....excercising produces natural decongestants...I also take a benedryle and asthma inhaler before I excercise due to my moderate asthma Allergies can be controlled by a number of factors. Exercise won't make them worse. If you have cats and animals in the house, consider getting rid of them. If someone smokes they should quit. Benadryl causes sleepiness and its effectiveness diminishes because the medication builds up in your system. Find a better method of contolling allergies if a chronic condition. There are a number of long acting asthma medications that could help her. Further, not being able to breath well is tied to obesity. The exercise would open up her lungs and increase her oxygen carrying capacity. That in turn would help with her feelings of fatigue.

7. I'm too fat to work out in public

 Answer: If you can't be seen excercising, then why is daily living any better. If you can't suck it up work out at home. I wouldn't tell her to suck it up at home. Tell her nothing is as heroic and inspirational to other people as seeing someone who is heavy take charge of thier health. Iterate that if ANYONE says a negative word to her, that they'll be having a "come to jesus" meeting with you. It helps to enforce that "I'm in it with you" mentality. Additionally, many women don't like working out in public. But they dont' have a problem shopping or eating in public. So don't allow her to be self conscious. Ask her to be a hero and example to other people struggling with their weight. Of course, don't let her over do it either. She shouldn't be engaging in running if she has knee trouble.

8. I don't want you to see me excercising since I'm so fat and embarased

Answer:Tell her you want to work out with her because when you do things together that you feel closer to her. That it makes you feel like your part of the solution and it's very important for you to feel connected to her during this. Promise no judgements and that you won't try to take over her work out. That you'll only point out if there is a problem with form or safety reasons. All else failing, you can always look at the read out from the elipetical and tell she's working out. What she needs to hear is that you find her attractive and love to see her work out because it really makes you feel closer to her. JUST MY SUGGESTIONS Remember, don't call things wussy exercise... try telling her, I know you can raise the bar. I've seen such progress. Let's both try a little more weight, time, incline, resistence, etc. And follow it with, you're doing SO great! Trust me, it'll make a difference.

Some other happy tips.

After she works out and gets out of the shower at home... have a big towel ready for her that you threw in the dryer for a few minutes with a fabric softener sheet. It'll come out very warm and soft. When she steps out, wrap it around her and give her a kiss and say... I figured you might get cold.

Trust me, you get MAJOR points for this. Also bringing her ice cold water while she works out doing cardio is another big plus.

These little things are good for affirming her belief that you are still interested in her. And it goes a VERY long way towards motivating her to work out. No cardio, no shower with warm towel service.

And it doesn't take but 30 seconds of your time

Good luck!

Brother Crash a regular contributer to My Fat Spouse

The Depression Excuse

This has come up in some threads, and I think it is about time it was addressed: the "depression" excuse, as in my husband/wife is overeating because he/she is struggling with depression.

I have experienced some severe depressions in my life -- and most of them in my post-fat phase.

However, I didn't use that an excuse to stop exercising and start over-eating.

If you are depressed, alternatives to using food to alleviate your feelings include:

Exercise (even if it just means walking)
Therapy
Support groups
Talking to friends and family
Prayer
Meditation
Taking pro-active steps to change your life
Volunteer service (to get out of your self-absorption)
Art therapy (such as painting, writing, or drama)
Eating healthier foods! Especially more raw greens!

I don't mention medication because my experience with pills has been consistently negative, though St. John's Wort offered some very mild relief.

But when you are depressed, you can chose to tackle it in a healthy way, or you can turn to the bottle, the needle, or KFC. The idea that one is helpless over one's weight gain during a depression is more bull peddled by fat apologists.

Posted by Rick1 on the My Fat Spouse Forum.

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Do I have the time to exercise?

I don't have the time...

By Namaste

I work a full time job in a factory. I have a forty five minute commute each way to get there and back home. I have a semi-useless husband and a house to take care of. I have five cats, and every day I have to remind them that they love me and don’t want to wander off and become feral. I have meals to cook, things to clean, shopping to do, and bills to pay.

There is also the issue that I also would like to have some time to do things that I enjoy. I like to relax a bit when I get home from working a full shift. I like to browse the intertubes. I enjoy watching shows that I have Tivo’ed. I like to play the MMORPG “City of Heroes. (yeah, I like to fight crime with my superpowers in my off time. Don’t tell anyone!) Oh, and I have a blog thingey that I’d sorta like to spend more time on. Given that I am a responsible adult who does take care of the responsibilities of my life, I don’t think that I’m being unreasonable in wanting an hour or so of “me” time once in a while.

So do I have the time to exercise for 40 minutes to an hour every work day? Do I have the time to cook healthy lower calorie meals? It would be so easy to say “No.” I would love to have that time to do the things I like to do, that I need to do. It would be easy. It would be a flat out lie, too. I make the time to do these things, every day, because I need to do so. It is as important to me as making my mortgage payment or keeping the cats from starving. If I didn’t make the time to do the things that help me manage my weight, I would not weigh less than 200 pounds. Heck, I wouldn’t weigh less than 250.

When I didn’t take the time to do these things, I weighed around 260-270. I felt awful. It was uncomfortable to live in my body. My left knee was in constant pain from my excess poundage. It was hard to squeeze into restaurant booths and movie theater seats. I didn’t sleep nearly as well as I do now. And, it was much, much worse mentally. I was deeply angry that my body looked and felt like that. I was deeply ashamed that I had let myself look that like. I was supersensitive about my weight, and if something would happen that would force me to confront the truth of it I would be in a foul mood for hours, if not days.

So do I have the time to do what I need to do to maintain my weight loss? Do I have the time to spend forty minutes on my elliptical when I get home from work? Do I have the time to cook my own food rather than hitting the drive thru on the way home? Is it worth an hour a day, more or less, to feel fantastic for the other 23 hours rather than feeling horrible?

I’ve heard from people who think that the answer to these question is “no”. They’ve made that choice for themselves, and they think that this is a reasonable, even unavoidable. But for my part, I haven’t noticed that worlds falls apart during the hour I take a day to make my life a joy to live, instead of painful burden.

I am sorry that I don’t have the time to write in this blog more often. But not that sorry.

She just doesn't do what it takes

I feel so relieved having found this support group, because that is basically what this is. Let me introduce myself. I am a 59 yr old recently retired civil servant, who used to work in Europe. I now live part-time in the Philippines and the rest of the time in Europe. I have been married for 5 yrs to a 34 yr old woman who used to be gorgeous, but has, since I met her, got ever fatter and fatter. It is not that she overeats or even eats all the wrong things. In her case it is probably hormonal (contraceptive pill, gave it up 2 yrs ago, but never recovered from it). What gets me in her case is her inablility or lack of willingness to work out properly to get rid of the fat. She is so damn economical with her energy. When I go to the gym I always do the maximum, she - if she goes - will do the minimum. And there are always excuses: she's got a cold, she got her menstruation, she's got a stiff neck, with complications, She is tired, whatever. And maybe some of these excuses are legitimate, but over the years I have grown tired of all the non-starters. There was the jogging she would do to fight the increasing bulge, there was the Billy Blanks bootcamp work-out which would bring salvation, there was the punch bag that she would happily use to build up muscles and stamina, there was the treadmill we bought at her behest, there was the disco dancing group that would transform her (and my) life, there were the fitness club memberships which did not bring the eagerly (by me) anticipated results, there is the personal fitness trainer who failed miserably where others failed too. And why? Because she just doesn't do what it takes, she lacks the follow-through, she just doesn't have the single-minded dogged determination that is essential to go from fat to fit. She will not put in the hard work. I am a little bit qualified to judge a case like this. Most of my life I have been overweight myself. Been there, done that. There isn't a diet I haven't tried. I have been mostly unsuccessful (but at least I really tried), until I came across the leptin diet, as advocated by Byron and Mary Richards in their book "Mastering Leptin". Following their five principles (in my case eating brown rice, fish, fruit and vegetables) in combination with some serious work at the gym 5 to 6 times a week, has made all the diference. My wife has always been a bit wishy-washy about any diet and exercise advice I give her. I suppose she is fed up with the whole thing too. Unfortunatedly she will not stick doggedly to a routine. She now weighs in at around 170 pounds (at 5' 4"), which is just an estimate, coz I can't get her to weigh herself. She is sick of it herself. It destroys, or at least puts a heavy damper on our sex life, as you can well imagine. She keeps asking me if I love her, a sure sign of insecurity: the fatter they become, the more emotionally needy they are. Certainly, I care for her, but where I never used to fantasize about other women, I now do. She has lost so much of her sex-appeal. I mean she looks like a small sumo wrestler! Anyway, it was nice to get this of my chest and share these experiences with other people who are in a similar situation. I hope that my positive experience with the leptin diet can be of help to others. The great thing about that way of life - coz it is not really a diet - is that you lose all your urges to snack and binge. I never eat between meals anymore. I never touch anything but proper food. I just don't feel the need to eat junk anymore, no willpower involved, and by the way I do not need any alcohol anymore either. Good luck!
Posted by "Fitthen" on the My Fat Spouse Forum