A Loss of Lustre

I was married in April 2001 when I was 27 years old.  I'm 6"1' and at that time I weighed around 210 pounds.  By that time, we had been living together one year, and I had put on 15-20 pounds of "happy fat".  So I had become overweight living with her that first year, and she was putting on weight as well.

I was idealistic at 27, I married for love.  I believed in the "it's what's inside that counts" mantra.  I would have felt shallow to have turned her away just because she was overweight.  I told myself that could be changed, and in any case, that would be a healthy change for her, so I didn't feel "bad" wanting that change.  (Unlike some guy who might say that he wouldn't marry a certain gal  unless she enlarged her breasts; that would not be considered a "healthy change".)

In May 2002, my weight had ballooned to 230 lbs as did hers.  She was 5"3' and weighed 230 lbs, I was 6"1' and weighed 230 lbs.  I was overweight, she was morbidly obese.  I picked up the phone and made an appointment for both of us at Dr. Bernstein's (local popular bariatric clinic).  By the end of that summer, we both had lost around 60 pounds.  I was back at my healthy range (175-185), she was only slightly overweight, and I could see a feminine figure starting to emerge from my wife.  I thought I was going to get what I wanted.  Wrong.  For some reason, one day she just gave up, because her best friend now weighed less than her.  (Her best friend was also overweight, and started losing weight on the same diet towards the end of that same summer.)  I asked my wife repeatedly what difference it made that her best friend weighed less than her, what impact does that have on her weight loss.  I never got an answer to that question, despite repeatedly asking.  So I stopped asking the question.

The next 6 years were basically spent on her gaining and losing weight over and over again in an uptrending pattern.  Gain 10 pounds, lose 5.  Gane 15 pounds, lose 7.  Gain 25 pounds, lose 10, etc.  By January 2009, she was back up at 230 lbs, and I was up again at 210 lbs.  So we restarted that diet that worked for us back in 2002.  I got back down to 185 lbs and she got back down to 185 lbs too.  Still overweight, but better.  But by the end of March, she was going insane, she was erupting into fits of rage and crying and depression and sugar was the only "drug" that stabilized her mood.  So we ended the diet and that was the last successful diet attempt to this day.

She has tried to lose weight on and off, but the trend is always upwards as far as her weight goes.  I think one of her major problems is that sugar is like a drug to her.  She drinks Coke and she gets all giddy, just like as if someone had been drinking alcohol.  Sugar is her drug of choice.  She uses it to deal with stress, self-created and otherwise.  Sugar is so damn easy to get your hands on, it's difficult for me to manage that kind of addiciton, especially since sugar is not regarded as a "drug" in the way that alcohol, nicotine, narcotics, marijuana, heroin, etc are.  I call an addiciton clinic and say "my wife is addicted to sugar" and "sugar is a drug" and I get laughed at; I'm told to call them back when there's a "real addiciton" on hand.

In our marriage, there are no kids, just one cute little 5-year-old bichon/poodle mix dog.  But there's another complication.  Last year, 14th of December 2010 to be exact, my wife was struck as a pedestrian at her place of work by a distracted driver (who also works for the same company).  The end result is that my wife cannot sit down for more than 2 hours without getting back pain.  She has been prescribed Oxycodone and Oxycontin (narcotics) for pain management.  But I am not worried about "Oxy Addiction" that afflicts so many people to whom those narcotics are prescribed.  I catch her more often than not guzzling Coke behind my back instead of taking the pills.  So to her, sugar is a better drug than narcotics derived from opium.  How do you beat that?   She has been on Long Term disability since the accident, and I have no idea of the prognosis on her condition.  Will the pain ever go away?  I don't know.  Will she be able to work again?  I don't know.  One thing I do know is that it's never my fault, but it's always my problem.  If the insurance company won't extend her Long Term Disability beyond December 2012, if she doesn't go back to work, and if the legal claims don't yield the money to compensate for pain and suffering and loss of competitive advantage, I am on the hook for supporting her if I decide to divorce her.  Not my fault but it's always my problem.  Life sucks for me that way.

I am now 37 years old, and realizing very much that my life didn't work out as planned, and I look ahead to the next 30-40 years and say to myself, "I need something else to get me through this, I can't live like this for another 30-40 years."  I'm still 6"1' and weight 195 lbs (the "office gut" and the "office butt" I suppose) .  I could stand to lose about 10 pounds, but my height makes me look thin.  I could get myself back to my ideal weight (185 lbs) and get fit in no time.  All I need is a minor tune-up, but she needs a major overhaul.  Ironically, I weigh less now than I did when I got married.  I have been told by other women, as well as my wife, that I am a handsome man, that I'm cute, so I believe that I could find a woman that I would be sexually attracted to.  I'm also more confident now than when I was in my early twenties, so I'm sure I can attract an attractive woman.

As things stand, I find that life has lost its lustre.  But I feel that I would be a lot happier if I got the privilege of coming home to a sexy woman every night.  That would help me get me through the tedium of life.  I see so many men mistreat beautiful women, and I say to myself, "dude, do you know the gift that you have been given?"  But that is another topic of discussion.

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