Skinny Guy Spouts Off

     

     I      found this website and forum while working today and immediately I started to reflect on my own relationship and how I have been pushing all of this anger, disappointment and disgust down deep inside for close to 5 years now. What follows is an extremely long explanation, please forgive. Allow me to explain: Hopefully, my user name is evidence enough that I'm the skinny one in this relationship, my wife on the other hand, is the opposite. I met her online about 5 years ago on Yahoo Personals and we clicked together instantly because we shared so many interests and had the same self-destructive tendencies (some which I have given up thankfully). My wife has been on the heavy side since I've known her, I believe she was 220 pounds when we first met... and she claims to have always been heavy. Five years later and she is almost 280 pounds now. She is conscious of this and hates it, she complains on a nearly daily basis and usually suggests that I leave her and let her die alone, which she typically retracts instantly. I should probably also state that she had a horrible childhood instance which has pretty much traumatized her and she remains so to this day despite 15 years of counseling. She has nightmares every night and sleeps very loudly. I thought I could look past that but in the end, I have realized that this has in large part, contributed to her overweight condition. My wife also has these bad habits: She is an alcoholic, she smokes a pack of cigarettes a day (and has for 14 years, starting at age 11), she smokes marijuana, and she likes to sneak high-sugary foods when she thinks I'm not aware. She sometimes makes an attempt and tries to eat in a relatively healthy way, in that she doesn't snack if I am near her and will often have a homeade fruit smoothie as part of a meal (she sometimes ruins it by eating something fatty or loaded with carbs with it). She is terrified of having a sexual relationship (which did not really manifest itself until 3 years into our relationship) but is obsessed with finding a female sex partner and constantly apologizes for not 'satisfying' me (this is another, but entirely different problem that I won't get into here) I have been very tolerant of her behavior, which was a major mistake I realize now. I use to participate in her ritual of coming home from work and watching television and smoking until she was too tired to stay awake, but I am making a point to not watch television with her this week and have stopped smoking for nearly a year now (a bad bad habit). I do not exercise myself very much, even though I am diabetic and have been for 10 years. I became diabetic as a result from a medical related incident and not due to poor diet, although I am frankly shocked my wife has not become diabetic, given her choice in high carbohydrate and high sugar meals. I love to spend time at the park but my wife hates it, she can't stand being outside for any reason other than walking to the car or, if I'm lucky, out gardening if the weather is very nice. Again, though, she is aware of her condition and often apologizes but never makes an attempt to do anything about it, even if i suggest we go for a walk, she won't because she is afraid of missing something on T.V. or is just too tired. She is so out of shape that she sweats profusely when toweling off from the shower, and is out of breath by the time she is finished dressing for the day. I don't know how to approach this anymore... I find myself lusting after women, even relatively heavy women, as long as they look thinner than she does. A lot of my close personal friends happen to be women and I feel disgusted with myself for wanting to go beyond friendship and sleep around with them. So, I don't know if I'm asking for help or just need some support, but anyway... I'm glad I found this site. Sorry this post was so long.

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