My Fat Spouse

Welcome

2012-01-28T10:24:00.000-08:00

"Welcome. There are many ways of using this site. First, you can just read it, taking sheer solace in the fact that there are other people out there struggling with the same problems. You can follow the current threads at the top of this page, or you can go to the "Forum" page and find the discussion topic most congenial to your own needs. If you are interested in following the history of one particular story, you can also go to the "Gallery" and click on "People"--which will allow you to follow the history of one person's postings.

But why just read? Why not contribute? And you can do that in a number of ways. You can reply to an individual posting. Or you can start a new thread and ask a question... we're happy to read all responses offered in good faith, happy to listen and offer thoughts. Or, if you prefer, by clicking on "Other" and dropping down to "Reply to author," you can send a private email directly to the person to whose post you are replying. Be aware, however, that your email address will be visible, so if you want to be careful of preserving your anonymity (which we all respect), get yourself an anonymous email address from a free server and use it when you log in to the blog.

You can also browse the archives that are contained on the "Newspaper" page, which contain threads from an earlier version of this site before it crashed once--and they offer a wealth of informative, useful, sometimes funny, sometimes heart-breaking threads that will help you become more thoughtful about your own situation.

But please know that this site is about mutual respect. You're encouraged to vent, but not to abuse others. You're encouraged to be honest, but mindful of being civil, too. It can be a fine line. Occasionally, trollers intrude and offer rudeness in order to get attention. We roll our eyes. Don't be one of them.

Instead, seize the chance to read through the words of like-minded (and sometimes not-so-like-minded!) people all struggling with the problems of weight and marriage. You will find postings from thin spouses and fat spouses. You will find successes and failures. Taken together, they will let you become more thoughtful about your own situation--what you can do, what you can't do, and how to tell the difference.

So come on in. Put up your feet. Stay a while. Feel supported. And, again, welcome."

Are You An Enabler?

2012-01-28T10:16:00.000-08:00

You would have to be living in an isolated cabin in Montana not to have heard of the term "enabler". Basically an enabler is a person that allows another person, in a relationship, to continue with destructive behaviors by covering for them, and helping them out of bad situations caused by their poor judgment. While we typically think of the terms "co-dependency" and "enabler" as terms in dealing with chemical dependencies, it can apply equally to the "fat spouse" situation
Often the non-overweight spouse in this situation engages in "non-helping" assistance that allows the overweight wife or husband to continue to gain weight?

Of course, women are the most prone to engage in this sort of behavior, but men doing this sort of thing are not rare either. The codependency cycle works like this. Person one fears losing the love of the person two that has the bad habit. The fact that person two can not function without person one, makes person one feel needed and whole in a perverse sort of way.

In other words in many cases a husband or wife can in many ways be helping a spouse get bigger and bigger by not allowing that spouse to experience the results of their "fat" ways. Here are a few examples of this kind of behavior.

Do you ever perform tasks, that your spouse has trouble doing because of their weight?

Do you buy into the excuses that your spouse makes concerning diet, (for example discussions of metabolism, genetics, medication) when you know very well that they engage in a lot of unhealthy eating.

Do you cooperate with your spouse's excuse making for not exercising, (e.g. bad knees, too little time, etc.)?

Do you ever buy unhealthy junk food for your spouse at their request?

Do you ever dine at restaurants that serve unhealthy food at your spouse's request?

Perhaps you can see yourself in these questions. Maybe you can now understand how you could be "enabling" your spouse to be obese. Keep in mind that doing these sort of behaviors is silently approving of your wife or husbands overweight habits. This list could go on and on. I encourage you to add any other "fat spouse" enabling activities to the forum.

This article is from the original myfatspouse.com

He has ballooned up to 300lbs

2012-01-26T21:50:00.000-08:00

I will start my story somewhat in the beginning. I met my husband when he was a chunky 220 at 5' 8" he had some pudge. I overlooked it thought it was something I could change.. cook healthy exercise and he would too. This didn't happen, now he has ballooned up to 300lbs. and I am grossed out by him. I do feel bad to say those words but I also feel that it is not fair. I get so angry at what he has done to our marriage by being so slovenly about his appearance. I feel awkward and embarrassed to introduce him to new people for fear of what they are going to think. It is embarrassing for people to think I actually have sex with such an obese person. I have brought it up to him that I want him to lose weight especially when he complains about the lack of sex. I even told him once that if I wanted tits in my face I would have sex with a woman, he said i was mean. I have tried being nice about it but I just can't be nice any more! I am angry frustrated hurt and lonely. I have no one to really talk to about this issue everyone calls me shallow. I have had 3 kids and work out watch what I eat to maintain a decent appearance. My husband is always telling me how hot I am and I just say lucky me for all the good it has done me! He doesn't get it. I am feeling like I could do so much better and am only in this marriage because of the kids. But I am too young to turn into a bitter unhappy woman. I do not like the person I am becoming and feel the only solution is divorce.

A calorie burned is a calorie earned!!

Posted by

not what I signed up for

on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Here's what my husband said to motivate me

2012-01-20T22:23:00.000-08:00

I am new here and am writing my story to possibly help people approach their overweight spouses.

Growing up, I was always the athletic girl. Stronger and faster than just about everyone in school and I took a great amount of pride in that. I was a gymnast and my life revolved around diet & athletics. After gymnastics, I went on to high school & college cheer leading. Then, in my junior year of college, I became pregnant... whoa was I in for a change.

What happens to your body when your pregnant is quite scary! Especially when you basically go from eating nothing and exercising all day, to eating like a normal person and no exercise. At the end of the pregnancy, I was left with 50 pounds on me. I became extremely depressed and didn't come out of that depression for 11 years. Today, I have 4 boys and am still 60 pounds heavier than I was before my first child.

My husband is and always has been athletic as well. We've been together since we were 16, which was 15 years this year. He is a bmx bike rider and works out daily. My weight has always been a source of resentment in our relationship. I can see it in the way he looks at me, and it hurts. But, when you're depressed, it's hard to find the strength from within to get off your ass and do something about it. He would nag me, holdout on sex, put me down, believe me he tried everything and nothing worked. I rebelled against anything he had to say about my weight. Let me tell you what he said that changed it all for me.

Recently, we separated because of marital stress. We were separated for 5 weeks, however still spent time together because of the kids. One evening over a few drinks he said to me, "Do you want to know how I really feel about you." Of course I answered, "Yes." He went on to tell me that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. That sometimes having sex actually disgusted him. Of course I was hurt, but I knew in my heart that he felt this way all along. I was disgusted my myself so why shouldn't he be? He went on to tell me that he loved me, but he wanted to have sex with a hot chick again. THAT WAS IT. At that point I realized that if I didn't become that hot chick, someone else would fill the position for me and there was no way that was going to happen!

Since that day, my life has been about renewing my sense of pride. I work out daily & watch what I eat. What do you know, I've actually lost weight! I know a lot of people will say that my husband is a superficial jerk telling me these things, but not me. I thanked him for it, because it was just what I needed to jumpstart a new life.

How you react to your spouses feelings is a choice. You have to be at a point where you're ready to accept what he/she says. As I said, all other attempts (over 11 years) were met with defiance on my part. I think my acceptance had a lot to do with the way he said it. I took it as encouragement. He believed that I could become hot again, and told me so. I didn't believe that in myself, and to hear him say it meant more than anything.

I am absolutely, 110% doing this for myself. His benefit is a byproduct . I just needed a little encouragement to believe that this was a solveable problem.

Hope that wasn't too boring and good luck with your spouses.

Posted by Red Dream
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Am I happy I found this site!

2011-12-05T22:41:00.000-08:00

Am I happy I found this site! It's helps me feel that what I'm feeling is rather normal. So here's my story. Me and my ex girlfriend are trying to work things out in hopes of getting back together. I'm 5'9", male, and I was very skinny for most my life up until about 3 or 4 yrs ago. I used to weigh 130 lbs, now I'm up to 170 lbs after eating and working out. I'm still looking to gain another 15 lbs of muscle and I'm actively pursuing my goal. I'm working out between 4 and 6 days a week. I'm doing all this cause I hated being skinny growing up, I hated always being skinnier than my girlfriends, I used to have sex with the lights off, I could never pick my girlfriend up and spin her around when she told me great news. I used to find chubby girls attractive. But it was specifically voluptuous girls that I liked, you know, big boobs and big asses got me excited and I was willing to deal with a little flab here and there "in exchange". I liked skinny women too and I'm still attracted to both these body types today. But my issue is that I'm getting older and now I look at the women I date as potential wives one day, not just a girlfriend. Therefore my standards are higher. I want a slim sexy and healthy wife who will live a long life and instill good health habits to our children. Also, as silly as it sounds, I want a wife that can defend herself and/or escape from attackers or any other type of danger. She needs to at least have a chance of running in and out of a burning building to save our other 2 kids that I can't also fit on my back while I'm running in and out that building along side her to save all 4 of our future kids. If my wife is too fat, we're all gonna die in there! My ex is 24, 5'6", has a very pretty face, long gorgeous hair and a sexy but tasteful fashion sense. She was slightly chubbier than what I was used to when we first met, about 170ish, and wasn't very curvy but I was still attracted to her. Then she even lost a couple pounds and that was the best she had looked since we've met. She had a job which required a lot of walking and then she got a good job which required a lot of sitting around. That's when she started gaining, I would estimate about 25 to 30 pounds pretty fast. I noticed a little bit of a waddle when she walked, compared to her sexy walk in her heels it's a big difference. Anyway, we had some trouble, I left her, now we're trying to reconcile. When we would talk and she would tell me how she felt about me and what I mean to her, she would always mention "and I love how you accept me for who I am even with my flaws.". That's where the guilt hits me. That I know I'm not actually as accepting as she thinks I am because this whole weight thing bothers me a lot. She does tell me that she's on diets and she says she exercises but I don't know if it's true because her fridge has a lot of junk in it and she seems to always look a little fatter each time I see her, and I'm losing my physical attraction to her. It's especially tough for us since I'm trying to gain while she's trying to lose so, when we eat together there's a lot of unspoken conflict. She cooks me these wonderful weight gaining meals when I go to her place and she cooks enough to last a couple days so.. Of course she's eating it when I'm gone. Anyway..... I don't know what to do.
That's my story.

Posted by XChubChaser
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Confessions of a Fat Wife

2011-11-03T17:26:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! I stumbled onto this site looking up a search on google about other women who's husband were no longer attracted to them. You see, I was feel ing horrible. I tried to initiate sex with my husband only for him to push me away, or rather my hand away. My story is a long one and one I really would like to share. So, here goes.

When my husband and I met I was about a size 8-10, depending on what i was trying to fit into. I am 5'2 and I was at 150, I worked out about 3 times a week and tried to eat healthy. He was very attrated to me. When we got married I was around 160, but I still worked out and tried to eat healthy, so I wasn't really flabby and he was still attracted to me. I started to gain weight soon after we got married. I know why I did. I was lazy, ate a lot, didn't exercise and was (and still am) addicted to a game called World of Warcraft. Now if no one knows what World of Warcraft (WoW) is, its an online game that is highly addictive. So since it is addictive, you spend countless hours sitting at the computer...playing. Needless to say I balooned up to almost 180. I kept thinking that I was fine how I was because my husband still had sex with me and was still attracted to me. Not so.

About six months after we married, I caught my husband looking at porn. I was devestated. 'Am I not enough for him?' I'd ask myself. I cried hysterically about this and after a while, I just started to feel numb. I started to resent him for not loving me the way I was. 'This isn't fair', I'd think 'he is supposed to love me unconditionally!' So, I started to exercise. I don't think I lost any weight. The exercising was sporadic and I still ate horrendously. I suppose the only good thing was I didn't gain anymore weight, I just maintained the almost 180 lbs. He continued to look at porn and I continued to resent him. Eventually, it took a very huge toll on our relationship.

In the fall of 08, he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I was crushed of course and I asked him why. He told me various reasons. One of which was that he wasn't attracted to me anymore because I had gained weight. I was very pissed off, really. But what pissed me off even more was that I found out he was talking to and seeing another woman. I was enraged, I'd never been so hurt and angry in my life. How could this man, the one whom was supposed to love me no matter what, tell me he did not want to be in a relationship and then go and see another woman? So, I called this other woman and told her to back the hell off. She did, but my husband still wanted a divorce. Eventually we did reconcill, though it took me leaving and actually saying to hell with it let's get a divorce to do so. We made an agreement about things that would change. One of the things was that I'd lose weight. This agreement happened in January and I only started to try may. I know is an excuse, but I was really very busy. I had school and my classes kept me very busy. I have went down to 160, I think. I am not entirely sure of my weight only because our scale is on the fritz and tells me a much lower weight that I'd be very happy to be at, but am not really. Which is frustrating. We still don't really have sex. And I was still resentful to him about that, up until I found this site.

I never saw it from his point of view. I never stopped to think what if I was in his situation. I can't help but feel selfish for doing this to him. I put him through feeling guilty about not being attracted to me. I am glad he told me that though, but I very much wish he'd told me sooner. I went through a lot of psychological things, thinking I was not good enough, that I was disgusting and unworthy of attention and love.

I am trying very hard to lose this weight and get down to a size 6, which for me I guess would be about 135 or so. I do NOT want to be a slob of a woman. I try and eat healthy. Fruit salad with cottage cheese (yum) for breakfast, either a sandwhich with low cal bread and some grapes for lunch or a chicken salad with grapes and cheese for lunch, and for dinner I have either some baked/grilled chicken with veggies or a chicken salad with grapes and cheese. As for exercising, I am trying very hard with that. I bought an exercise dvd that is split into 2 stages, a beginner's 30 min exercise or an intermediate 50 min exercise. I tried both and I do both depending on how I feel that day. I also walk 8 miles with my mom in law (who is aslo trying to lose around 20 lbs)on occasion, it depends on if she has time. And I go to the YMCA with her, again if she has time. I try and exercise at least 3 times a week. So far I am in a medium, which excites me and I JUST fit into a size 10. I am very proud of myself. I hope I have inspired someone's wife or husband who needs to lose weight into doing so. It is not hard, really. There are lots of healthy, yummy foods out there. You just need to try them. It will be hard the first week, but after that you will get used to it. Same with exercising, try to do some cardio about 30 mins a day and you will get used to it quickly. Your body and your spouse will thank you.

And I thank My Fat Spouse for opening my eyes. I never knew exactly what my husband was feeling until I read what people were typing.

Posted by Chibionna on the My Fat Spouse Forum

The Reformed Fat Girlfriend

2011-09-20T11:32:00.000-07:00

I met my first serious boyfriend when I was 16, and we started seeing each other properly from when I was 17 until I was 21. In that time, I swelled from 120lb to 190lb. The first thing that you should probably know, is that I hated it. I'd gone from being athletic and sexy with bags of confidence, to feeling pissed off and wanting to be invisible.

He made me feel sh*t about it; I've been perusing the threads on here and occasionally a comment like "she already knows" will be raised. Of course she does! She has a mirror - and she's not an idiot, the chances are she'll equate her new fatter bum with the distinct lack of sex around now. Not that was a problem for me of course; our sex-drives were very, very mismatched - I was a several times a day girl - he was a once a week man. I do think this contributed to my weight-gain because I was already feeling rejected physically as it was.

My boyfriend was blatant in his contempt when I put on a few pounds at uni after we'd been together about a year (I'm not going to defend my initial weight-gain, it was down to too much booze, bad food and no working-out): I let it slide and lost it, but a year or so later a few pounds slipped on again and his repulsion was difficult to ignore. This time I felt so bad about myself that I didn't lose it - and what was I losing it for? We were barely sleeping together anyway, so what was the difference. And so my weight yo-yoed for the next two years until it finally settled around 190lb. What was worse about this whole thing, is that he put on over seven stone, weighing over nineteen stone at one point. I didn't make him feel as worthless about it as he made me; I think he's hypocrisy made me dig my heels in about losing it. I was made to feel useless about everything and I think I equated that with being fat - and after all he'd put on, I really couldn't help thinking "what a nerve" he had!

The point of the story is this: firstly, I'm not saying it's "his fault", because it's not - I'm the one who fed myself the ice-cream, so the blame is mine. What I am saying though, is that sometimes when you're in an unhappy relationship but you don't want to leave, you need an outlet. And consciously or unconsciously, my outlet was to take control by piling on the pounds. A dangerous, health-threatening way, but what's done is done. Though before I am slammed by you horrified husbands out there; it wasn't something I did on purpose, nor did I enjoy the way I was changing: it just kind of happened.

We finally broke up; I was devastated for a while and I crept up to a shocking 206lb: however, being alone after such a long time really did me some good. I'd graduated before we'd finished and I'd been struggling to find work: as a single girl, I had more time to devote and I found a great job quite quickly. Things were going in the right direction for me, and it gave me the self-respect I need to kick myself in the a*se; I got a grip and focused solely on myself. I didn't have anyone around to tell me not to do something - or that I couldn't do something. I could do whatever I wanted!

I started eating right and began working out; first with exercise DVDs, but as the weight came off and I got fitter, I started running. I lost two stone by Christmas and by then I'd bought a house and moved out on my own. I had even more freedom in what I ate and cooked and if I got up at 5am for a run with the dogs, there was no one in the house to complain. And I went from strength to strength.

I settled at 122lb: I feel strong and healthy - I feel great in general. I run, circuit-train and box every week; I ride every day and I'm dying to take up fencing - something I always wanted to do but wasn't fit enough. When I compare myself to the girl I was a year ago, I feel terrible: I was miserable and I had no quality of life at all. All because I clung on to a toxic relationship that I wasn't happy in anymore.

I need to add here; that the same goes for my ex; he's now back around the same weight he was when we first met. So I suppose the point here is that yes, laziness and over-eating make you fat: but the real question is, what's making them lazy and over-eat??

I am in a new relationship now, with a man who has a libido to rival mine! He is not my type; I was always partial to clean-cut pretty boys. But this new boyfriend is rugged, blunt and forward. He thinks the sun shines out of my every orifice, and because he makes me feel so good, I want to be at my absolute best all of the time. He's very fit; we go running together and he runs through some of the Infantry PT work-outs with me. Keeping fit and healthy has become a joint activity and part of the relationship; something I have never had before - and I really, really like it. I never feel under-valued or unwanted around him; we have a policy of honesty and I find that really comforting; there's no embarrassment or anything to hide behind.

So, have a think about it. Personally, I needed to be alone and find a bit of self-respect before I could become the woman I really am. And once I was, I could find a healthy relationship with someone who is good for me. Sometimes a relationship can be damning and can strip away your need to look after yourself, simply because you're so miserable. I do want to highlight that just as I did not blame my ex for my weight-gain, people with heavy spouses are not to blame - I just think that there are always reasons for getting fat, past wanting to taste another cake and those reasons should be explored with your partner. I never did in my relationship and I do wonder, if we had, whether things could have been resolved.

Posted by

Freckle_Face

on the My Fat Spouse Forum

Can't get past the hurt...

2011-09-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

I'm an overweight spouse. The thing is, I had recommitted to losing weight and starting to exercise/take care of myself again in the last year. Then my husband of many years says that he is not attracted to me anymore, that he thinks I need to lose weight, get a tan, wear dresses, and do any number of things in order for "him" to feel better toward me. He did mention health as a concern, and he's right, though I will say all my vitals are checked regularly (I have thyroid condition and get checkups every 3 mos) and everything is healthy/normal, except my weight. So I think 10% of him is concerned for my health, the other 90% just wants a skinny wife. That realization is hard to accept, because I honestly believe I don't look at people that way. If he gains or loses 30-40 pounds, unless it causes health problems that he doesn't like, I am fine with it. I think people are more than some number on a scale, but obviously my husband and many on the forums disagree - hence why I'd like your feedback.

I was on the self-motivated path, but after hearing him confirm what society is already chanting ("down with the fatties" or some other form of criticism), I am now unable to move past it and continue the journey for myself. Now I am so depressed that I don't even see reason for functioning thru the day, much less exercising. I've read some of the forum posts here, those that say "just say you're not attracted and she'll snap out of her fatness" but that (a) is callous for me to read, and (b) doesn't help everyone in their approach. As in the case with me, it's having the opposite effect.

Hearing my husband say I need to change so he can like me more does not make me want to change. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come back out. I knew I was overweight and needed to get healthy, but when I looked in the mirror I saw someone who I liked, someone who does a lot for others, someone who is pretty special in many ways, but needed to get in shape eventually. Now I just see and hear my husband's comments. What, me? A decent person? Not anymore. Talented in her career? Nope. Apparently I'm just fat.

I've considered leaving him. I've considered losing the weight and then leaving him. I've considered losing weight so he'll be happy and it'll be a way to keep my marriage intact.

But I'm asking - and it's something to think about for anyone who is about to bring up the subject with an overweight spouse - how do you mend the harm that comes from the words you say? I wish my husband had been more sensitive in how he told me.

And I suppose I never looked at my own weight as something he should be angry about. That was a surprise for me as I read thru these posts. Then again, I was heavy when we married so it's not like I transformed into someone else. I've gained maybe 40 pounds since our wedding - and it "fills out" over me nicely. I'm tall so it's not like I look pregnant or have a spare tire - it is spread out evenly, though I am overweight. So this whole "you have to change" came out of the blue, when I presumed he was a man who loved me unconditionally.

I'm not trying to be a troll or cause dissension. I am honestly trying to see another side to things that apparently my husband shares an opinion with. Any help is appreciated, as yes, I do hope to continue on my own weight loss journey for my own sake.

Posted by Gamatz
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

He has not touched me in almost 3 yrs!!!

2011-09-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

Hi! I am semi new here I used to lurk on the site before it went down. I'm happy to see your up and running again. I am going crazy and I want to try and understand what has happened to my marriage. I am dying inside because of it. My husband of almost 15 yrs doesn't want sex. I am too fat for him ( 4 11 1/2 and now 189.5lbs... -17lbs) and while I am losing weight for a myriad of reasons it does include him. I am not an ugly girl but I want to just sit and cry- there is NO intimacy. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand my need and makes me feel like nympho if I just even touch him. I hurt over this. I love him! We are THE best of friends yet I feel quilty over wanting intimacy! Can you guess where my self esteem is??? The toilet.

He has not touched me in almost 3 yrs!!! Before that (on my BD) he gave me what I would call "mercy sex". Nothing for *me* mind you... just the wham bam and I should just be happy. Before that one incident it had been over 18 months. In our marriage we have barely ever had sex - esp the last 10 years or so. I have 2 kids with him 7 and 8 but God must have done miracles because it was only great timing that led to those.

I worry that he will still keep this up even if I go through the pain of losing wieght. I keep hoping it will change! I want a love life - it is not even just about sex. I want to feel loved, adored and cared for. Am I asking too much? Anyone else out there feeling fat and ugly because of this? I look at even larger girls and wonder... is she getting loved? Does every man who is upset about his wife's weight refuse to have sex with her? Refuse affection? What is wrong with me???

posted by AmyB34

on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Love to him is a certain number on a scale...why?

2011-08-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

I am new to this forum and this is my first post. I am out of my mind and not sure what to do and any advice would be greatly appreciated. If you can relate please tell me what you did.

I use to weighed over 350. Being fat is not beautiful or healthy. I lost 100lbs when I met my boyfriend. That means I was 250. Humongous. He started to work out with me and I lost about 60lbs. He moved in with me about a year and a half ago. (We been together 2 years now). About a year ago he confessed that he never dated big woman and never even had fat friends because it dosent look right. He dosent hate them just that he dosent see it healthy.

He isnt Mr.Perfect either. He weighes about 230lbs. I think he gained like 10-20 lbs since he been with me. But he still looks good. I had an accident this year which almost took my life and I had to take time off from everything to recuperate. I started school back again and excersising. Ive lost 10lbs. I weigh now 165. He says he loves me and wants to marry me and wants to have 2 children at least. I do not show him my body because I have a lot of excessive skin that needs removal. Lately he has been telling me that I need to weigh 140 to marry him. Also at 140 he will be more romantic. Kiss me more, hug me more, and a lot of other stuff. Sex life has been diminishing and last night he told me that I promised him 140 and its been a year and I havent lost much. He said its my fault we are not having sex much. Blame no one but myself. He says it dosent look good a guy weighing more than a girl (I am about 60lbs under him) or a girl to be close to a guys weight. He wants to drop down about 30lbs. I want to get to 140.

My question is will he change when I get to 140? Will he be more romantic? Will he marry me? I am afraid of getting down to the 140 and stressing everyminute of gaining ONE pound. I am stressing now. It isnt easy losing weight.

Why are men so fixated on a certain body and number on scale? Why is he putting this stress on me? I am to the point I feel horrible. I dread getting out of bed. I do love him and he always tells me he loves me. I accept him and love to him sees a number on a scale.

posted by lacrimablu on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Resentment

2011-08-27T09:32:00.000-07:00

For argument's sake, let's say the fat spouse commits to a program that will result in her regaining an appearance that will be pleasing to the fit spouse. When I say commits, I mean steady, reasonable progress like 1 pound per 100 pounds of body weight lost per week is being made. Given what you some of you have said about your wives' weight, it may take a year or longer for her to lose the desired amount of weight.

At what point do you love her again? What do you do to get rid of the anger and resentment and how long will that take? Will you even be able to get rid of the resentment? If she doesn't look the same as before she gained the weight, but has achieved her best (acceptable BMI, as toned as possible), will you hold on to your resentment or hold back on your love for her? Will your marriage ever be loving and intimate or will the past always be a wall between you? Will you bring up her past weight and/or punish her forever for having been fat? Do you start showing her respect and love while she is losing weight or do you remain reserved until she has lost all the weight? Do you do anything positive to show you have noticed her changes while she is working at it?
Just wondering.......

posted by

Rose on the My Fat Spouse Forum

Can't Take Anymore!

2011-08-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

I've been lurking here for a year or two now, but never really had anything useful to add. Well, I still don't, just need to vent I guess. Before I start, I should point out that only about 1/3 of my issues are fat-related. She's also ridiculously lazy, and for a lack of a better term, a total bitch. But it wouldn't shock me if there was some correlation between the three things.

I've been with my wife for about 9 years now. I had just moved to a new area, and the plan was just to date her for a little bit, until something better came along. I know, I know, pretty harsh, and not a good way to start an eventual marriage, but trying to be honest here. Anyway, then she got pregnant. Something very important that I learned, that I try to stress to all my single friends, is that marriage is really not a serious thing at all, at least anymore. Not happy with your spouse? No biggie, divorce is commonplace now, and once it's over with, you're free to move on with your life. Not so with kids. Do not get someone pregnant, or you will never be completely free of her for the rest of your life. Without a doubt, if we didn't have kids together, I would've left her long ago. As a matter of fact, right before we found out, I was starting the breaking up process (I'm not a good breaker-upper, it takes a little time). But then I got the news, and did the "right thing", and 2 more kids later, I'm just completely miserable with my life. And the messed up part, is that it's not some combination of things, it's all her. I love my kids so much, and have a great relationship with them, and we have tons of fun together. I have a good job that I'm happy with, and I'm doing really well there. And I have a few really good friends. I mention this because she thinks I'm unhappy with my life in general, and that she's not to blame at all.

The fat part: She's about 220 right now. She started off somewhere the 140 range, which was okay with me at the time, again, wasn't looking for anything serious. And obviously, the kids took a toll on her. What I don't get, and I'm sure this is a common issue on this board, is how some women gain the pregnancy weight, and as soon as they have the kids they're back down to normal, or close to it. And then others gain 30-40 pounds each time, and it just stays on there. I'm not sure if this is a genetic thing, or more motivational. And she's 5'-4", and just seems to get more sloppy looking every day. Not sure if that's the right term, but her belly just hangs down, and she tries to tuck it into her underwear (which I could use as a sail in a pinch, if my propeller ever broke, by the way). She has multiple chins, and back boobs, and having sex with her is like doing a beanbag chair. What makes things worse, and this certainly isn't her fault, is that I'm pretty skinny (5'-10, 155, I'm a little too thin, I'd like to get to 165 eventually, but a good 165). I get decent exercise, but it's more that I watch what I eat. So if I'm with a skinny girl we look pretty good, and along the same lines, if she was with a big stocky guy it would be better. But together we look freaking ridiculous. Maybe I'm making excuses, regardless, I'm embarrassed to go out in public with her. Which sucks, because I have a lot of work functions that I'd like to bring her to, and also my friends sometimes bring their wives/girlfriends out with them, although there's a double whammy there, because they all hate her, due to the bitch part. Furthermore, I can't do anything physical with her, because she has no stamina whatsoever. I'm not sure if there's any Adam Sandler fans out there, but if you search for "Fatty McGee" on youtube, that's literally what she sounds like going up the stairs (out of breath and wheezing). Up one flight of stairs! I could go on about the fatness, and maybe I will in future posts, but this is getting rather long as it is.

Briefly, with the lazy/bitchiness: She's a "stay at home mom", because she's failed in 3 or 4 attempts at school, so therefore it's more cost effective for her to stay home with the kids (also, she refuses to get a job). Not that I don't want her home with the kids, I think that's better for them, in theory. Unfortunately, she doesn't do anything with them, besides the obligatory feeding, and diaper changes for the baby. I'm curious to hear what other people think being a stay at home mom, or dad, entails. Our neighbors are in a similar situation. The husband works, and does the outdoor chores (mowing, etc.) and repairs, stuff like that. The wife cleans the house (and does a good job, from what I've seen), laundry, takes care of the kids during the day, and dinner waiting for when the dad gets home.

My wife: next to nothing. I say next to, because every two weeks or so, she'll have one good, motivated day where she'll get a few hours of cleaning done. I'm not exaggerating, or being sarcastic, it's almost like clockwork. She'll also wash and dry the laundry, but leave it in baskets so either I wear wrinkled clothes to work, or do it myself. Every day I come home from work (except for that glorious second and fourth Tuesday) to just a complete disaster zone of a house. I realize that could mean anything, but it's pretty bad. Dishes stacked out of the sink, papers all over the table, just crap all over the floor, my 1 year old daughter's knees are dirty from crawling on the filthy floor. Anyway, it's not good. So I get home at 5:30, have to immediately cook dinner for everyone, play with the kids for an hour or so, get them ready for bed, then try to make a dent in the mess. On weekends, I try to balance cleaning with doing stimulating stuff with the kids to make up for them sitting around the house watching tv all day while I'm at work. Again, I could go on, but that should be plenty to get a pretty good picture.

Hopefully briefly for real this time: She's just a nasty person. She's got this phony "cutesy" persona that she pulls on her friends, but everyone sees the real her eventually. She is awful to me, the way she speaks to me sometimes, I don't know, it's indescribable, but I have the feeling that at least a couple of you reading this are nodding their heads. And she flips out all the time, and just screams at whoever's in range; I usually take the brunt of it, but the kids have gotten it a few times, and not to overuse a word, but that's pretty awful too. I should probably have mentioned this by now, but she's also bi-polar, which is really the icing on the cake. Anyway, that's the big reason for the freak outs.

So, why do I stay with this horrible person? Because of the kids, again, probably a common theme here. I don't want to share them with her, and I also think they'll suffer if they have to live with her, without someone keeping an eye on things. It would be nice if a judge knew how things really were, and maybe I'd have some luck with that, but I can't risk getting screwed like so many of the actual decent dads out there have been. I know I need some sort of exit strategy, and should compile evidence and stuff. I probably should've started this post with that, and asking for advice. Mostly I just needed to vent though. Well, I guess feel a little better now. If anyone has any advice, or maybe just a similar situation, I'd really appreciate any feedback.

Thank you!

posted by chris50 on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Bait & Switch Works Both Ways

2011-08-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

When I met my husband, we were both in the military. I struggled with my weight even back then. I was 170 lbs and I'm 5'6. My body fat and Physical Test scores both met the standard, so it didn't affect my career. I ate less than other people, didn't eat unhealthy food and ran more than my co-workers, but could never slim down. I accepted that my metabolism is obviously slower than the average persons, but still always put the effort in- knowing if I didn't, I would just end up bigger. I always dated bigger guys and men who liked thicker women because I knew, I would never be slender. My husband is the first very lean man I dated (he's been flagged as underweight in the military before). My husband met me and proposed to me at that size, 8 years ago. Since then my weight AND size has gone below that, but never above, excluding pregnancy. After having our first child, I was smaller than my pre-pregnancy size by 6 months out and I was pregnant with twins (lost one). He has had emotional affairs from early on in our marriage (only recently found out) and never stopped having them (different women, same behavior). ALL of these women have been on the heavier side (my size). I am not perfect, but I was not a "loser spouse" either. I worked full time, took care of our son with no help from him, did all of the household chores, cooked healthy dinners every night and encouraged him to spend time with his friends and family. During this time I also have taken care of my physical appearance, not JUST weight but my grooming and clothing as well. I get told frequently that I am attractive, beautiful, smart, a great- easy going girl, by other men of all walks and shapes. My husband on the other hand, has been a horrible husband in his own assessment. I won't even get into details, but Dr. Phil would have a field day with him. On top of it he's been extremely critical and cold towards me. I'm now 7 months pregnant and 170 pounds. Excluding the baby bump, I am smaller than I was when we met. I also recently found out I have hypothyroidism. Obviously I try hard to maintain my weight, or I would be much bigger with those two factors being considered. My husband has told me that, he cheated because I was fat. He didn't treat me well, because I was fat. He developed a porn addiction, because I was fat. He likes slender athletic girls. I am a logical person and I try not to take that personally (though I do take his treatment of me personally offensive). People can't help what/ who they are attracted too. I am aware of that. I do want a divorce now though. He has used my weight to devalue me as a person for the last 8 years and as an excuse to siphon off resources from me and our son (time, attention, money) to other women. I don't meet his preference and most likely never will- I have tried (not in a "just saying that" way, I have genuinely always made weight loss a priority in my life, because if I don't, I would balloon out of control). He doesn't want a divorce. He says he finds me attractive, but he's just always been obsessed with slender women and can't help wanting them more. He wants to stay together, somehow thinking that eventually physical appearance won't be "as important" to him in a romantic partner, as it is now. He does however, tell me things would be much better between us- if I slimmed down. By the way, he does not work out or watch what he eats at all. He is naturally slender, but he is not toned. I truly feel like the bait and switch and was done TO ME. I never presented myself as a slender girl, I didn't lose a bunch of weight and then pack it on after we got married. He told me he thought I was beautiful, I was his type, etc... My physical appearance has INCLINED steadily over the years, not declined. I didn't "get lazy" on him. He on the other hand, became lazy and disinterested the minute the ring was on my finger. The bait and switch works both ways. If you marry someone when they are fat, through your OWN choice (not because of pregnancy or social pressure) it is JUST as unfair to expect them to change, as it is to be upset that they have changed. So my question here, is too all of the disgruntled spouses. Do you find it fair that even after years of horrible treatment and marrying me at a bigger size, that he is pressuring me to salvage the marriage, by attending counseling with him and by continuing to work on slimming down?

posted by StilltheSame on the My Fat Spouse Forum

Thank You!

2011-07-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

I am so glad to have your found website. I am obese. Although I didn't know this because I was in such denial....until my husband finally said something to me. My weight gain is starting to bother him. In 10 years (four kids too) of our marriage, I gained 60 lbs.

I went from 130 to 190 lbs (I'm 5'1 so this is a LOT!). Inspite of this, my hubby still says how beautiful and sexy I am everyday, which contributed to my denial. Before our last child (8 months now), I managed to lose 50 lbs on atkins diet. I felt great and then when I had a miscarriage and then a successful pregnancy after that, I just gave up on my diet and just gorged everything in sight.

When my husband told me that it's starting to bother him (our sex life hasn't suffered yet, thankfully), my first reaction was to be upset. And then it went to "you don't love me" and "if you truly loved me, you wouldn't care whether I am fat or thin." And then, a realization. I wanted to be objective about this so I looked up, "when your wife is fat" and the first webpage that came up was this site.

Boy, I am so glad that I clicked on it because it gave me the objectivity I needed. Everything that my husband said regarding my weight gain echoed in the pages of this website but I wasn't upset reading them. In fact, it shed a LOT of light and I think it is the motivation that I need. I just wanted to say thank you.

posted by sunnydae on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Obesity Stigma

2011-07-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

This link is far more interesting and well written than my post. Check it out!

http://www.rice.edu/sallyport/2003/summer/sallyport/obesitystigma.html

I've been thinking about the stigma that is attached to obesity a little too much lately. I was reading a study that was done in England. They showed people picture of mismatched couple, one fat and one thin and asked them their opinion of the fit person in the couple, based on the picture. They then showed another group pictures of the same people, but paired with somebody closer to their own size and strangely enough they same people where give a far more favorable rating...I know this is a painful subject for both the obese and for most of their spouses, but the fact is through out human society and down through the ages, with very few exceptions obesity is a stigmatized condition. Obesity was stigmatized in medieval Japan in part, at least, because it was viewed as the karmic consequence of a moral failing in a Buddhist context. The stigma in Europe was based on the Christian deadly sin of gluttony. Stigmatization of obesity is not new.
A study done by the International Journal of Obesity says that stigmatization is a common experience, and that obese subjects frequently engage in some effort to cope with stigma. More frequent exposure to stigmatization was associated with greater psychological distress, more attempts to cope, and more severe obesity. Quite the catch twenty-two and further evidence that nobody really wants to be fat. Yet here we are confronting the obvious, obesity contributes to and causes a wide variety of health and quality of life issue and a high degree of social stigmatization and yet here we are in America with so much of our population so big that it we are running the risk of altering the earths rotation because all the weight is on one side of the ball...Why don't more people get up off the couch and do something about it? I don't know. I'm wondering about depression, anti-depressants, something in the water, pesticides...It may just be in our biology or our culture. and that's what I've been thinking. Now I'm going to stop thinking about this for a couple minutes and go read some a self-help book about controlling obsessive thoughts.

25 More Motivations

2011-07-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

1. To not be the f*ttest Mom at school.
2. I don’t want to think that everyone wonders why my healthy hubby is with a f*t woman.
3. I don’t want diabetes, GERD, incontinence, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, etc...
4. I want to tuck my shirts in my pants, not my belly.
5. To not get out of breathe during s*x.
6. To get ready for church without trying on 3 outfits that all make me look f*t.
7. To not waddle when I walk
8. To be able to bend over to pick up something, not squat
9. To not wake up with a back ache
10. For my hubby to be able to wrap his arms around me
11. To shave/wax bikini area without having to move things out of the way
12. I don’t want my tummy to flop when I run
13. I want to go br*less with pride
14. I want to share clothes with my daughter when she is a teen
15. I want to weigh less than my hubby
16. I don’t want to rely on food to ease my moods
17. I want the rest of my body (hair/skin/nails) to reflect how healthy I am
18. So my b**bs are not a chin rest
19. I want to post a picture of myself on Facebook, not just pictures of my kids
20. I want a cute belly button, where is that thing?
21. I want to be able to see my hip bones
22. I don’t want cellulite
23. I want a flat tummy
24. I don’t want family to be afraid to buy me clothes as gifts
25. I want a smooth back, with no ‘br* fat’

The pain of the addiction has to be greater than the pleasure before one is motivated to change

Fat & the Mortuary Arts

2011-06-30T08:09:00.000-07:00

First, a caveat. I am not a mortician yet... I am studying to become one. Mortuary science students are trained to treat decedents with all dignity and respect. We understand that these are people's loved ones. My father, when he passed, was too large for his casket, which is why that last paragraph is in there. During his viewing, I could not help but notice that the morticians who attended him had been forced to do something to his shoulders to get him to fit (they probably had to break the collarbone), which made me feel sorry we hadn't measured the casket beforehand.
I've volunteered in mortuaries and behind the scenes at funerals, and of course there are dissections and lectures, but most of my knowledge is, at the moment, academic, not first-hand. With that said, here's some weird facts:

A few things I noticed during dissection: very fat people who died from congestive heart failure often have bony vessels encasing their hearts. This is because the fat which clogs the arteries attracts calcium from the blood stream, and the arteries eventually become bony tubes with only a hairs' width of passage for the blood. You can tap your scalpel on these, and it makes a ticking noise. Of course it's depressing to see so many middle-aged folks with bony hearts and aprons of fat hanging off their stomachs. When you open these fellows up, you see the organs have all been pushed into the upper part of the abdominal cavity by the massive omentum (internal fat, "tummy fat,") hanging off their stomach walls. No wonder they couldn't breathe!

Cremation of fat decedents sometimes melts the fat, which will leak from the bottom of the oven (called a "retort"). We're told to put down kitty litter or dessicant crystals to deal with this problem. This makes me think of George Forman grills.

It's recommended that morticians have strong backs (which is why I train my upper body very hard) in order to lift obese decedents to the stretcher, get the stretcher in the hearse, get the stretcher out of the hearse and into the bay, etc. etc. There are hoists to help with this, but it's good to be prepared in case the hoist is on the fritz or if you are operating somewhere that, for whatever reason, does not have a hoist. (Or if the decedent is upstairs. Welcome to your couch-removal party. It'd be nice if folks would decide to give up their ghosts in the foyer, but alas).

Fatty tissue is tough to embalm, both because it requires more fluid and in a different mix, and because the arteries which we use to introduce the embalming fluid may or may not be occluded. Necrotic or gangrenous tissues with compromised vessels have to be embalmed differently-- if we push the embalming fluid in with a needle, it won't embalm a diabetic's blackened feet. (There's a handy topical agent for that). The other problem is decedents with very large, pendulous breasts. These must be either put up on blocks so we can distribute the embalming fluid as best we can, or they must be duct-taped out of the way. I feel bad about this-- it's not very dignified for the decedent.

Of course cleaning a very fat decedent is not a pleasant task. In my personal experience, very large decedents have a greater chance of doing something... interesting post-mortem, such as leaking brown fluid from the mouth (or even vomiting from the pressure of abdominal gases), voiding bowels and bladder, etc. This can be very scary if you aren't expecting it!

The other problem is that caskets have not "upsized" to deal with the larger population (there are "extra large" or "roomy" caskets, but they cost more, and delicacy prevents most morticians from selling them as such). There isn't much to be done about this-- you just have to get him/her in there somehow. There's a lot of physical activity in mortuary arts, and sometimes, when you're wrestling a decedent into his or her final home, it can seem sort of funny. Thus "morticians' humor."

I hope this did not offend, and if it does, I will remove it.

The Buddhist Mortician wrote this for the My Fat Spouse Forum

It is always easier to point a finger at someone else...

2011-05-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

"It is always easier to point a finger at someone else though instead of looking inward to deal with your own faults and shortcomings."

Yes it is, the whole fat movement is built on this.....right well that's that one sorted then.

Its not blaming all of the marriage faults on the obese spouse. Its the spouse has become obese, which then causes problems.

But she is right, i really wish the people on this site would get over their selfishness of wanting their partners to...you know...stay alive.

This goes to show the victimhood mentality. It seems like this person thinks that fit spouses just blame everything that goes wrong on the obese one.

That's crap, the obesity ITSELF causes problems.

Worries about health, (eventual) medical bills, also sex lives suffer, the obese spouses sex DRIVE suffers or they get sexual problems (thinking its immature to want a sex life is itself immature, the phrases 'why are you so pissed off? Not getting any at home?' were made for a reason, because sex is a human need and people can grow frustrated (especially if celibacy is FORCED on them by a partner who can't have sex (or an enjoyable experience with it) due to their lifestyle, and doesn't seem at all interested in changing that), hence the term sexual frustration), wondering why a person is more interested in their destructive lifestyle then staying healthy etc

Also that whole 'its whats inside, not the package' line again doesn't work, simply because (i assume its a women writing) if the personality her husband has was in a woman, she would NOT become a lesbian to be with that personality. She would want it in a mans body to be in an intimate relationship with it, so the package DOES matter.

And again, there is more then just personality at play in relationships because a person whos personality you like is called a FRIEND, and people aren't all in relationships for only a friend, because they have friends for that.

Different people have different roles. The love for a child, is different to love of a parent, which is different to love of a friend, which is different to love of a partner etc

A partner is also your SEXUAL partner. Not just 'a nice person you hang out with'. And people need to be turned on too have sex, not just flick a switch.

Also 'putting their spouse before their own selfish wants and needs'??

The obese spouses of the people on this site are the ones putting food and laziness ahead of looking after their relationship, then saying 'well you have to love me anyway', err hello, THAT'S selfish.

How is a person who has put up with that for sometimes 20+ years and STILL trying to help 'selfish'??

This is pure sympathy factor typical stuff. The obese spouse must be the nice kind one, and the fit spouse must be the bully.

Fit spouses are NOT blaming every problem that comes along on the obese spouse. The obese spouses obesity CAUSES problems, and obviously people are going to be unhappy when that person then shows no interest in solving the problem, and you have movements like the fat movement trying to convince people that any move made to help, isn't help, but hate.

And then they go and wonder why people are on here asking for help after all that?

Geez.

Posted by A101 on the My Fat Spouse Forum

Darned if I do Darned if I Dont!

2011-05-10T23:55:00.000-07:00

I've been lurking for a while reading the post of the slim spouses to help me better understand my husbands feelings. You see I am the fat spouse or should I say was the fat spouse. WARNING! This will be a long post so grab a drink and get comfortable. I've been married for almost 16 years to a man that works very hard, knows how to fix everything, takes good care of his family, brings home his paycheck every Friday, and doesn't want to go hang out with "the guys". The problem is he has no tact and is about as subtle as a train wreck. I'm one of those people that certain member snicker at and doubt I have had hypothyroidism for more than 10 years( meds started 01/99 0.25 mcgs now 300 mcgs). I gained about 30 pounds while pg with first child and no matter how much excercise or diet that first 30 pounds would not budge. Our son was not even six months old when my husband started letting me know that he wasn't happy with the weight and that all men want an attractive woman on their arm. He knew about the hypo he knew I was exercising he knew I was making healthy meals but the weight stayed so he accused me of eating junk behind his back. Fastforward a few years to the birth of our daughter and add another 35 pounds he let me know he was embarrassed to be seen with me but any time I laid in bed next to him he became a horn dog and it really irked me. I don't like hypocrites. Go ahead a couple more years I'm taking care of my disabled father in my house it was a stressful time and I'm a stress eater, no ones fault but mine. Add another 20 pounds. Suddenly I was so fat that I had no feeling, at least in hubbies eyes. He said something mean and hateful everyday. I'm sorry to those of you who's spouses refuse to listen when you speak to them about their health, they are wrong to do that, but for my hubby it was never about health it was always about image. Finally after trying a combination of my meds, alternative medicine, and supplement my thyroid has leveled out and my weight began to come off and now 1 year later I've lost 75 pounds. And you know what? My husband is not happy because now Im getting a lot of attention from men, I do not initiate it I do not ask for it but it happens everyday. So it was my fault for getting fat, and my fault for getting slim. I need new clothes, he wants me to wear my old ones because they cover more. He's mad that although the rest of me slimmed down my chest stays a d cup. He's mad that our teenage sons friend called me a milf. He's mad that I got I.d.'d when we went out( I'm 39) he is a true example of be careful what you wish for. I made a big change in myself hoping that it would bring peace but still there's drama. So I guess my question is, does he need reassurance that I'm not going anywhere, does he feel threatened( my friends say this),or is he just being a jerk? It's so weird to say that although I love my husband I don't really like him very much right now.

Posted by 4mykids
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Tracking My Fat Spouse's Progress...LORD, will it work this time?

2011-04-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

For Father's Day 2010, I got an interesting gift from my spouse. P90X the in-home fitness program. At that point, the spouse exclaimed that she was going to commit to losing 100+ pounds between then and May 2011. Looking back on her track record, I believed she would commit and succeed. Days became weeks...weeks became months... by NewYear 2011, only 10 pounds had dropped. She hadn't followed P90X (Yes, it is an extreme in-home workout program) even with the most liberal of modifications.

I, on the other hand, committed. By NewYear, I lost 22 lbs down from 222 - 200 lbs. I went down from waist size 38" to 36". All this was lived out in front of her as she would sit back and not bash but praise my success.

My success finally had a breakthrough at the end of February. She began to express an interest in joining me for some core routine workouts. Now, it is March 9th. We are finishing up our third week of "Couple's Core" workouts nightly for 25 minutes. This small change adding physical exertion to the rest of her efforts (diet and HCG), has netted her a 25 lb weight loss :)

For the HEALTH of it (she has no cartilage in her knees and is in pain as a result of the 300+ lbs resting on them over the past 25 years)...I can't stand by and watch her flush this motivation down the toilette. I really want her to follow through with this effort and goal of becoming a candidate for total knee replacement. I am afraid the family only has about 1-5 years left of life with a mother around if she cashes it all in for another round of setbacks and giving into the monster of self indulging narcissism comforted by her best friend in life...FOOD.

Posted by Dan
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

A Question about Standards and Double Standards

2011-04-14T20:29:00.000-07:00

So one subject I find very interesting is people's perception of themselves and others and how that relates to their expectations about partners. Now I am a straight woman so I have seen this largely from that perspective. One of the things that I have found very interesting is the way that the media-promoted standards of beauty affect real life relationships. Now alarmists like to claim that media images cause impossible high standards that harm women, etc. But in my experience very few people are dumb enough to swallow any media construct hook-line-and-sinker, and the response to photoshopped models is actually much more nuanced. Generally I have found that men fall into two general categories in this regard: the ones who cannot get away from the images and actually do have trouble dealing with the fact that many real-life women don't look like that and those who realize where reality ends and fantasy begins. Of the first type there seem to be two general sub-types. The first are the ones that seem to believe the old idea that women don't care at all what men look like. These are the ones that act as if they are owed beautiful girlfriends/wives and get hostile when women tell them no. They are often the ones that make negative unsolicited comments to women (and often women who are for more attractive than they are) about their looks. They also fly into a rage if anyone ever mentions their own (often considerable) physical shortcomings.

I had a coworker of this type. We worked in a mostly female workplace and he repeatedly made comments to all the women there about how their appearance was lacking (this was a group of women aged 19-31, not one wearing above a size 6, and all of them falling in at least the 'pretty' category). He himself was obese. He had moved to town (and taken the job) so that he could stalk and verbally harass (though in his mind he was courting her) a woman he claimed was his ex (she was actually just some girl who made the mistake of being nice to him, they had never actually dated). When she finally had enough of him (I think she had been trying to let him down easy) and told him to get out of her life forever, he sulked for days and called her every bad word in the book (in front of his female coworkers). He (while he was still supposedly trying to get back with his ex and after) also hit on and was rejected by every woman in our group and all the others in our workplace, responding to each rejection with insults and entitled anger (i.e how dare these stuck up bitches refuse to date me!?) Basically this guy felt that he was entitled to a hot babe and could see no connection whatsoever between his own appearance and behavior and the fact that he was a virgin at age 23.

The other type of picky guy is the one that puts a lot of effort into his own looks. I knew a few of these in college. They were generally dedicated body builders and a bit on the metrosexual side in their grooming habits. They wanted to date only really hot women and put a lot of effort into looking good enough to attract one. Personally I never had a problem with this type of guy. They put a lot of time and effort into their appearance and wanted a partner who did the same. Fair enough. They also acknowledged that women have standards too and that women are just as fond of physical beauty as men are (Do you really think stars like Brad Pitt would be so famous otherwise?). Their only real problem is that they often seemed to have very superficial relationships because they were more worried about what other guys thought about their girlfriends than their own preferences. I had a casual friendship with one of these guys and he once told me that he was really upset because his current girlfriend, who he seemed to really like, was not swooning for him the way he imagined she should, despite the fact that he had "lowered his standards to date her" (she was not hot in the conventional sense) and was getting a lot of ribbing from his male friends for dating her. He failed to see how insulted his girlfriend would probably be if she was aware of his attitude or the fact that all his relationships were based on impressing other men and not what made him happy.

Most men (at least the ones I've met) with a maturity level above that of a 12 year old seem to have come to the realization that the images they see in the media are 1) doctored and 2) depictions of women who, even without the photoshopping, are just really hot and will probably not date them. These men seem better able to relate to women in general and to sustain relationships. They also seem to be more realistic both about themselves and about their partners. They are more likely to actually look for someone they can relate to (both sexually and emotionally) rather than a trophy to enhance their status in the eyes of other men. It's not that these guys have no standards, its just that they are realistic, mature people and have decided to live in the real world (and not blame women for the fact that their every fantastic expectation isn't being met). I seems to me that many of these guys end up with fairly attractive women (often women more attractive then they are) simply because they treat them like people and not accessories/juvenile fantasy fulfillment objects.

What do you think? How do others feel attractiveness in men and women works? How do cultural standards interact with personal preference and reality in people's relationships?

Posted by Samedi passe on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Peeping Tom's Tale

2011-04-14T19:08:00.000-07:00

I was re-reading Chris's " How to Force Yourself to Find Fat Attractive" Blog post the other day when I was suddenly flooded with childhood memories. You see, when I was about twelve my parents bought a little house that sat in the middle of a block of houses the railroad company built for its workers around the turn of the century. The lots were long and skinny and the house sat about three or four feet apart. I could actually jump from our side door steps to the neighbors steps. The family next door had two teenage girls and as luck would have it the older daughter's bedroom window faced my own. I'll call her Jane. Jane was a tall, slender, friendly cheerleader at the local high school. I really did try and resist temptation. I tried to be a good boy. I didn't want to invade my new neighbor's privacy, but she just didn't pull her shade all the way down. A routine was quickly established and to this day I still cherish the memory. This is a little embarrassing. I never thought I'd be admitting this to something like this to anybody in the world who cared to read it. Oh, well. Tragedy struck about a year later when the neighbor's out of town niece moved in. She had been accepted to the University. I think she was studying agriculture. I'd say she was about five foot nine and at least two hundred and twenty pounds. They say we are more closely related to our cousins than our grandparents. Why people of such a similar genetic pool can be so many shapes and sizes can only be explained by environment. The niece was nurtured on a dairy farm and I think that pretty much messed up what nature could have given her. She wasn't much too look at. She was lumpy in all the wrong places. You've probably guessed where this is going. It wasn't long after she moved in that Jane moved into her sister's room on the other side of the house. Sadly the dairy queen not only didn't pull the shade all the way down, she usually left it all the way up! I pulled mine all the way down. I saw far more than I wanted to see of and I'll even admit to having a look. The thing is, looking at Jane's athletic body in a bra and panties was pretty exciting and to a boy of thirteen, immediately arousing. Peeking around the shade at the neighbor's farm fed niece was simply an act of curiosity and boredom. I'll have you know I did not grow up to be a peeping pervert. My point is, if I'm wired anything like most men, this is the reason why you will never force me to find fat attractive.

A Rather Serious Question

2011-04-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

So, I've got a rather serious question for everyone living with or married to a fat spouse . Do fat people enjoy being fat? I'm not asking whether or not fat people are more or less happy than normal sized people I'm asking if they enjoy being huge (and by the way I'm not fat-bashing).

I'm asking this because I encountered a claim on one of the fat-acceptance websites where someone posted a statistic, essentially the results of a survey, where the majority of fat people claimed they would rather give up a limb or an eye than stay fat.

This seems a little wierd to me (hopefully to you to). Acording to this survey, fat people are willing to give up a hypothetical limb or an eye to get and stay thin rather than giving up, IN REAL LIFE, the food that made them fat to begin with? How screwed up is that?

Quite obviously this is nothing more than your garden variety fat acceptance propaganda which claims that 'society' makes fat people hate themselves. Or in fatspeak 'fat people are willing to mutilate themselves to conform to society's unrealistic expectations rather than accept themselves for what they are'.

This level of stupidity offends me on so many levels that it's hard to describe. For those stuck with a shamu-sized partner you should probably consider the following: If fat people are indeed willing to give up a hypothetical appendage rather than giving up fast food and reforming their lifestyles in real life - how important to them do you think is the relationship and your happiness?

posted by Dying by degrees on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

What Do People think of Us?

2011-04-11T13:55:00.000-07:00

I was just sitting here reading old threads and marveling at how alike we all are- both the fit husbands and fit wives and I had an interesting thought.

I was reading an old post about the pain of living and watching what he describes and the "slow kill" and somebody responded with feeling like a fake in her relationship. That really struck me, and I wonder if any of you can relate to the following thoughts/feelings.

Just a quick refresher- I am 31, extremely fit and have been told I am very pretty. All that has ever mattered to me though is that my husband thinks I am pretty and it makes me happy that he indeed does, because I am happy to give that to him. As for him, he is 48 and has ballooned up to well over 350lbs. I don't know the exact number, he has stopped telling me but our scale maxes at 350 and I know he can't weigh himself anymore.

Anyway, my thought as I was sitting here was, GOOD LORD, WHAT ON EARTH ARE PEOPLE THINKING ABOUT ME WHEN THEY SEE THE TWO OF US OUT TOGETHER? I would like to say I don't care about what people think, but the truth is, I see the stares and I am convinced they look at him and think he must have money and I must be after it. Actually, I came into the relationship with more money than him, so that sure as hell isn't it. Truth is, I adore the man. I adore his personality, his intelligence, and kind heart and how alike we are mentally. That's what falling in love meant to me at the time. He was by no means a beefcake when we met and I never even wanted that. A few extra pounds is fine. 150 extra pounds is not.

Back to my subject- when I think that people (strangers, family, etc) are thinking these things, I also start to feel fake, weird, defensive, and worse of all, IS there something about my psyche that needs to be the more visually appealing? Is there a payoff in that? I really don't see it if there is and I want for his health and yes, his appearance as well, for him to get down to a healthy weight.

I guess I sort of rambled here but I bet many of you also feel those stares and thoughts from others who wonder what YOUR motivation is for being with your husband/wife. Does it all just boil down to simple embarrassment and shame?

Thanks for listening,

Julie

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Obese boyfriend? I'm too young for this!

2011-04-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

I came here by accident and ended up responding to a thread about the sex life of obese men.

I understand most people here are men disgruntled by their wives' weight - from what I saw, most of you had kids and are well into their adult lives.

I'm not. I'm 24, I'm 5'10 and 170 pounds. Not an ideal weight, but it's still going down slowly. I was a normal child, and due to some sexual abuse when I was young, my weight shot up from 130 to 240 between 15 and 17. It was a body armor, shielding me from men. At around 20 I got to 170, and I hover between 150 and 170 now, depending on the season (I'm a lot more active during winter - hockey).

So 4 years ago I reached a decent weight, allowing me to have a decent silhouette and plenty of energy. I met this great guy who had a little meat on his bones, 6'1 and 220/230 - active, played hockey with me, softball, had a job that made him move around a lot.

4 years later and he's settled in nicely at... heck I don't know, last time we bought pants for him they were a 42 waist. Around 290 I'd say? He refuses to get on a scale. Enough that sex is difficult, mechanically. I feel frustrated, lonely and I'm looking at the passage of time and not enjoying my current life.

He's got horrible eating habits that he's not even aware of. I've taken a habit of asking him, are you hungry or are you bored when he eats between meals. He's always hungry. I'm tired of sleeping on the couch. I'm tired of having The Talk every month with him saying Yes Dear and the changes only sticking for a week. I get to a point where seeing him eat irks me, seeing him drink beer irks me, seeing him period irks me. I don't believe in crash diets, so I think he should be able to have a beer every now and then, or a bowl of baked chips watching hockey - but even then...

If it's not a steamed veggie, I can't bear the sight of him eating, which means we don't eat together. So we don't eat together, we don't have sex, we don't even sleep in the same bed since I've retreated to the couch... Man I'm 24. Why the **** do I put up with this...

We're not married (neither of us believes in marriage), but we do live together and I've moved out for a year already (and came back). I'm not gonna play that game forever - but this man is my best friend. He's smart, sensitive, funny, honest, open - he's great looking under that layer of fat. There was a time where he made me feel alive.

I cook well, lots of veggies, lots of fiber, lean meats - not much oil or sugar or starch. When I do bake dessert, it's always some sort of natural thing sweetened with everything but sugar. I look at his diet (that I've planned!) and I see nothing wrong with it (amounts to 2k calories a day and less than 30% from fat). So he's sneaking food, or throwing out his lunch at work to go eat out with coworkers. He's got an office job now so he's not moving at all during the day.

My job makes me move around a lot, so I exercise only twice a week in summer (badminton and softball). In winter I play hockey 3-4 times a week. We're always walking everywhere, and yet he's not losing the weight. I'm also a part-time student, so I don't have the time to exercise with him more.

I don't get it. I don't get how my best friend who I thought was the man of my life became this fat slob who sits around playing Halo 3 for hours and doesn't move until he's ordered to. Which works! But I hate being the wicked witch with the karmic taser gun... He has no self-esteem, positive reinforcement works until I stop doing it - and I'm tired, TIRED of always trying to motivate him. I have issues that I need to work on too! Permanent change seems... unlikely at this point. I don't wanna become the food nazi. I want him to want better health, better sex, better love.

Confusion and loneliness. Woot.

"Chymere" posted this on the My Fat Spouse Forum

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Why is it that many people treat marriage like an insurance policy?

2011-03-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

Why is it that many people treat marriage like an insurance policy? Once the ring is slipped on their fingers, some assume they are then free to relax the high standards formerly held which definitely helped to attract and win their new mate-else why would anyone ever bother with the effort to begin with if physical appearance, fitness, and health were not supposed to be important things inside the marriage?
I have noticed many formerly healthy and attractive spouses, who almost before all the "I Do’s" are said, start pigging out regularly with seemingly reckless abandon, and as a result gain enormous amounts of excess weight with little or no concern for the feelings of the other. Sometimes a gluttonous spouse will even go so far as to try and sabotage their fit spouse's dieting and health efforts in an apparent attempt to make their fit spouse fat as well, most likely so that their healthy other-half won't be able to take the higher moral ground if they should try voicing any legitimate complaint about their weight gain-I guess misery loves company. I think it is deplorable the way many will project an image of being health conscious, physically active, exercising, and generally keeping themselves attractive and so forth during the courtship phase, but then, once the marriage is sealed, almost before the ink is even dry, they begin to "let go" and pig out. Then, when any concern is expressed by their partner who they have sworn an oath to “to love and honor...”, it is met with nothing short of total contempt or accusation, overused lines of total BS like "But you're supposed to love me unconditionally, you a**hole!" What a crock.
Where in any legitimate marriage agreement or contract, traditional or contemporary, is it stated that a spouse expected to give “Unconditional Love” irrespective of abuse, neglect, abandonment, or adultery, which all are inclusive to gluttony? If such an illogical concept as “unconditional love” actually exists, then where is their’s? Will someone please explain how such logic as expecting someone else to love you “unconditionally”, could be anything but irrational? By demanding “unconditional love”, these selfish hypocrites are themselves affecting a condition by demanding a condition: Unconditional Love!
Why is it that popular culture considers a gluttonous self-abasing spouse who becomes a pig after marriage to be a victim or the only victim? Why is free license given for one spouse to become obese at the expense the other’s happiness? Yet, consequently when the healthy spouse naturally looses attraction felt for their formerly fit spouse, the fit spouse is considered to be shallow and selfish.
Anything you might read about the evils of domestic violence, alcoholism, addiction, abuse and so forth within marriage is NO DIFFERENT from gluttony. In fact, gluttony is worse than those evils because it destroys the natural basis that is the catalyst to nearly every romantic relationship which eventually results in marriage, Natural Attraction. Surely, there is a Higher Love than this, but the honest in heart will acknowledge that most all relations, at least those between and man and woman, begin with natural attraction. Unfortunately, many relationships never advance to this state of Higher Love that transcends advancing age and the normal loss of attraction because the natural process which would normally lead there is stunted, and eventually killed by selfish, greedy, unabashed gluttony! How sad.

Μολὼν λάβε!

Posted by Mojo on the My Fat Spouse Forum

An Opposing View?

2011-02-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

I see a lot of folks on here maintain they aren't shallow because they are dumping their spouse for getting fat. I would like to see these same people make moral judgments on my situation.

I'm a thinling female who is also a life long FA.

I married the fat ass of my dreams: 5'10 and 270 lbs - most of which sits in his Buddha belly, rubbing that round mass of hairy flab turns me on beyond belief. When he's banging me from the top and I'm squished under his warm sweaty moobs, swallowing up and sticking to my tiny frame - ahhhh, it's the best feeling ever!

The doctor diagnosed my manly beast last year with high cholesterol and heart disease right around the corner. He said he has to lose weight pronto - I was mortified! I'm a feeder, you thinlings may not realize what this means: no more of my buttery steaks and roasted ribs may I hand feed my gluttonous fatling. :( I can never again know the exquisite joy of watching my ham fisted man swallow down heaping hunks of my love meals. I will never again be able to lay my head on his massive belly and listen to it extending and digesting! For a feeder FA like me it's like being told you can't have an orgasm anymore!

My man has been eating tuna fish & lettuce like a good little patient, he has went down to 210 pounds...... The horror! His head looks too big for his body now, his face is getting more wrinkled because there is little fat to fill his skin. His hands have lost those meaty dimples which used to turn me on.... I'm stuck trying to get sexually attracted to a friggin' waif, it makes me feel like a lesbian to have a partner so skinny, TOTAL TURN OFF!

According to the logistics of this site, I'm supposed to leave my hubby because he doesn't do it for me anymore..... And I'm not "shallow" for that, because everyone has a right to be sexually attracted to their mate, right???

But I doubt highly that's the advice you thinlings would be giving this FA. Instead, I'm sure I will hear how I'm supposed to just change my attractions to fit what the doctor says is healthy for my hubby. As if I CAN change my attractions any more than you folks can....

The hypocrisy here has me rather miffed....

But I won't sweat it long, because I won't leave my SO. He may not be able to be the fatling of my dreams anymore, but I promised to love him for life, no matter what came. I intend on sticking to that promise. If I have to I'll just flirt with the occasional BHM I meet to fill my kicks, perhaps try to invite over some friends I can push food on to get my secret kicks, I'll scan the net for some feeder porn, close my eyes when I give it to the hubby and try to remember what it was like when he was heavier, I'll learn to deal with it. Because I am not about to destroy his heart of the hearts of my children just so I can get nailed my physical ideal. The vow of my brain & heart meant more than the desires of my vagina....

posted by Charlotte
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Wife Fed Up!

2011-02-11T19:04:00.000-08:00

My husband when we married 33 years ago weighed 145, he was very active. He started gaining weight in our 2nd year of marriage and now weighs 3 something , I don't know exactly he won't tell me. He has High Cholesterol, High Blood pressure, type 2 diabetes,complains every day of something hurting knees, back, kidneys, you name it he has it and complains . But then he fixes large amounts of food and eats continuosly, the whole time he eats he is in his room laying on the bed, The bed stays full of crumbs under the bed is crumbs. But drinks diet soda and uses no salt but then consumes a whole bag of chips and popcorn and adds popcorn salt to it. We have not had sex for over a year , we have separate rooms . He comes home from work lays on the bed eats and watches tv and if I want to see him I have to go to his room.If I say anything he gets mad but yet wants me to pity him for his numerous complaints. I'm sorry I don't feel pity I feel anger cause he thinks I am going to take care of his ass when he is disabled because of his weight. He is only 49 and I am 52. I take care of myself he don't and doesn't care. Wants me to work and keep insurance on him so he can come home. I think this is bullcrap.

Posted by wife fed up!
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Thirty Pounds Overweight

2011-02-11T18:54:00.000-08:00

I'm in a LTR with a guy who is about 30 lbs overweight. I've read some of the posts. Compared to what I've read this is no big deal, right? Well, it is when you're not sexually attracted to him anymore. When we first met he was an elite athlete (national team level) and I was also a very competitive athlete in the same sport. 12 years later I'm still the same weight and very fit. He weighs at least 30 lbs more and has lost muscle mass. He's got a big belly, moobs and no upper body fitness. He stills gets some exercise, but his diet and eating habits are horrendous. I try to have healthy stuff to eat at home, but he basically eats nothing all day, then gorges himself at dinner and snacks on crap at night. He thoroughly understands nutrition but fails to practice good habits. I am not really interested in sex with him and his big belly and moobs. I've entertained the idea of having sex outside the relationship, but that's not really right for me at this time. I still have home that he may decide to be healthier in the future. I make a lot of money and take good care of myself. We have a good relationship for the most part, but now my resentment of his lack of responsibility to our relationship is turning me sour. I'm in my early 40s. I'm scared I'm going to wake up with his even fatter gut in 10 years and wonder where the time went. I really want to be in a sexually healthy relationship. I feel like a part of my identity is missing when I avoid sex because I'm not attracted to him. Just look at our entertainment...it's ok and even expected for a guy to allow himself to be dumpy even when his wife/girlfriend is quite fit and attractive. Ah, it feels so good to vent!

Posted by JulieD
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Great boyfriend but no sex life...

2011-02-08T21:56:00.000-08:00

My current boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years.

When we first got together I figured it was going to be a temporary fling. We were/are good friends and had a lot of fun together. I had just gotten out of a 10 year relationship and wasn't thinking in the long term.

He has always been fat although he has gained since we have been together. He's a good 50-70lbs overweight. I never brought it up as I just didn't figure we would last long enough for me to have the right to say anything.

He goes back and forth with eating right and living clean. Then he's back on the soda pop and smoking weed and spending every minute in front of the tv. He makes much of his diet effort my responsibility. If I don't hold his hand with everything he has no self will.

I'm 5' 10 and 135lbs. He's 5'10 and somewhere between 250 and 270.

As it's turned out we have lasted way longer than I would have thought and I do love him very much. I'm entering my thirties and my clock is ticking, I want children but not with a fat person. He has a son who is obese. I just don't want that for my kids. And I don't want a father that puts his health at risk either.

We are no longer having sex. He doesn't even TRY to initiate. And in turn I'm relieved because I just can't stand the weight. His weight makes sex awkward.

How can I approach this at this point in the relationship?? Had I ever thought we would have lasted this long, I wouldn't have waited so long to jump on this subject. I just can't take the fat anymore. Or the laziness that goes along with it.

Posted by plulu on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

She just doesn't do what it takes

2011-02-07T14:48:00.000-08:00

I feel so relieved having found this support group, because that is basically what this is. Let me introduce myself. I am a 59 yr old recently retired civil servant, who used to work in Europe. I now live part-time in the Philippines and the rest of the time in Europe. I have been married for 5 yrs to a 34 yr old woman who used to be gorgeous, but has, since I met her, got ever fatter and fatter. It is not that she overeats or even eats all the wrong things. In her case it is probably hormonal (contraceptive pill, gave it up 2 yrs ago, but never recovered from it). What gets me in her case is her inablility or lack of willingness to work out properly to get rid of the fat. She is so damn economical with her energy. When I go to the gym I always do the maximum, she - if she goes - will do the minimum. And there are always excuses: she's got a cold, she got her menstruation, she's got a stiff neck, with complications, She is tired, whatever. And maybe some of these excuses are legitimate, but over the years I have grown tired of all the non-starters. There was the jogging she would do to fight the increasing bulge, there was the Billy Blanks bootcamp work-out which would bring salvation, there was the punch bag that she would happily use to build up muscles and stamina, there was the treadmill we bought at her behest, there was the disco dancing group that would transform her (and my) life, there were the fitness club memberships which did not bring the eagerly (by me) anticipated results, there is the personal fitness trainer who failed miserably where others failed too. And why? Because she just doesn't do what it takes, she lacks the follow-through, she just doesn't have the single-minded dogged determination that is essential to go from fat to fit. She will not put in the hard work. I am a little bit qualified to judge a case like this. Most of my life I have been overweight myself. Been there, done that. There isn't a diet I haven't tried. I have been mostly unsuccessful (but at least I really tried), until I came across the leptin diet, as advocated by Byron and Mary Richards in their book "Mastering Leptin". Following their five principles (in my case eating brown rice, fish, fruit and vegetables) in combination with some serious work at the gym 5 to 6 times a week, has made all the diference. My wife has always been a bit wishy-washy about any diet and exercise advice I give her. I suppose she is fed up with the whole thing too. Unfortunatedly she will not stick doggedly to a routine. She now weighs in at around 170 pounds (at 5' 4"), which is just an estimate, coz I can't get her to weigh herself. She is sick of it herself. It destroys, or at least puts a heavy damper on our sex life, as you can well imagine. She keeps asking me if I love her, a sure sign of insecurity: the fatter they become, the more emotionally needy they are. Certainly, I care for her, but where I never used to fantasize about other women, I now do. She has lost so much of her sex-appeal. I mean she looks like a small sumo wrestler! Anyway, it was nice to get this of my chest and share these experiences with other people who are in a similar situation. I hope that my positive experience with the leptin diet can be of help to others. The great thing about that way of life - coz it is not really a diet - is that you lose all your urges to snack and binge. I never eat between meals anymore. I never touch anything but proper food. I just don't feel the need to eat junk anymore, no willpower involved, and by the way I do not need any alcohol anymore either. Good luck!
Posted by "Fitthen" on the My Fat Spouse Forum

A Sexy Way to Tell That Certain Someone to Lose Weight

2011-02-06T05:38:00.000-08:00

My chubby hubs knows I think he's got a fat gut and I don't like it. But I never told him how it turns me off. I didn't want to devaste him sexually, but I feel if he knew, he might be motivated to lose it. It's a growing problem, for both of us! It's in the way!

Last night we lay in bed, he was feeling frisky, but I didn't realize it until we hit the sack. Of course, I wasn't at all frisky. That led to him saying he can't always tell when I want sex, and doesn't know what to do to turn me on. So I told him I'd make a list of a dozen or so things that he could do to heat things up, IF he'd do the same for me. He had to make a list too.

On my list, I wrote:
1. talk with me
2. ask me to go on a walk
3. shoulder massage!
4. kisses
5. go out somewhere, anywhere, together
6. compliment me
7. tell me you love me
8. hugs are nice
9. hugs with ass groping too
10. cuddling works
11. SERIOUSLY work on losing weight (because hugging and cuddling will be even nicer)

Then I drew a little heart so he knew I wasn't being sarcastic.

I smiled, gave him my list, and told him I loved him. He read it later, and I didn't hear a peep about it... but... he didn't have seconds at dinner tonight, and instead of buttering up 2 slices of rye breadfor his coffee, he took his coffee and got out of the kitchen. Surprise, surprise! We'll see how it goes, but I'm hopeful.

I thank you for your website and forum. I discovered it just this morning and it gave me the "permission" I neededto do this. A lot of my anger comes from seeing him sabatoge himself by overeating and doing wimpy workouts. I take it personally. I think if he at least TRIED, I could be encouraging rather than bitch and nag.

But now I do have to nag him to make a list for me.

Posted by "Bluesette" on the My Fat Spouse Forum

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If I can do it, your spouse can too.

2011-02-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

I read this site for thinspo.

Thought I might share the history behind and progress in my journey so far. Perhaps there is something I have to say that will help someone with their significant other either in terms of motivation or understanding. I don't know. This will probably be a long one, so grab a cup of tea :)

I've been an emotional eater for the majority of my life, since I was about 12 I would say. I was severely sexually abused from age eight to adulthood and that is when my relationship with food got seriously messed up. This is not a sob story, it is what it is. And what it is is the beginning of my f*%$ed up, dependant, twisted relationship with food. I began to eat more, for the high I got from sugar and the high I got from defying/disregarding my abuser. He preferred me thin. If he hadn't expressed a preference for me thin I think I probably would have been at the other end of the spectrum of food issues and wound up anorexic.

I'm 5'8'' and small-medium boned. When I graduated from high school, my dress size was 6 for my formal gown. I do not know my weight at that point but I liked my body. I had lost probably a good ten pounds the spring before grad due to incredible stress in my life.

When I met my husband I was in size 5 slim-fit jeans and also happy with my body. In between I had ballooned up (2-3 sizes) and lost weight, again due to incredible stress, not any effort on my part.

After marrying and having a couple of children I found myself incredibly unhappy with my body. I'd go to the pantry for comfort, especially if my husband rejected me sexually or we had a fight. (Our sex drives aren't super compatible in the first place but I own the fact that my weight had to be a contributing factor for him.) I've always loooooved starches and sweets, and I would head straight for those.

When my husband made his comment and I decided I wanted to turn my life around and shrink my ass I was 164. BMI of 24.9. Just barely in the normal range! I was almost clinically overweight. Now I may not have been a full fledged cow or anything but I was a budding heifer, certainly. And I did not carry it well.

I had always been told that to figure out a person's ideal weight you take 100 lbs for the first five feet of height and add five pounds per inch of height over 5 feet. Then + or - 10% and you have an acceptable range. So me at 5'8" = 140 lbs, +/- 14 lbs. So my acceptable range would be 126-154 lbs according to this idea. I set my goal weight at 140 to start. It is now 135, in case you are interested.

I started simply counting calories. I have an iphone so I downloaded a calorie tracker application and started tracking! You input height, weight, age, goal weight, goal date and it calculates how many calories you should consume in a day to get there. I like technology so this was a fun way for me to keep track and I always have my phone on me so it became habit to track automatically. And not "forget".

I went with the theory that a calorie was a calorie, at least for now. (meaning I didn't turn my life upside down and start eating only poached fish and brown rice and more green veggies than I'd seen in the previous year. If we ate at a fast food restaurant, I wanted Subway. If we went to McD's I had a happy meal with a cheeseburger and kid size fries or apple slices! (I know it is disgusting but those are my favorite!) I did buy the thinsations snack packs and skinny cow ice cream treats because I knew if I was denying myself sugar and things I like to eat I would fail for sure. Or only have short term success. I do have a sweet tooth and they work for me because they are portion controlled. I also made sure I kept the treats in my basement deep freeze or in my pantry in the utility room so if I wanted to get them I had to go get them, I didn't pack them around with me or anything. The individual packs don't help much if you eat the whole box.

Over the last 5 months I have slowly been incorporating healthier choices into my normal life and that of my family. I want my kids to grow up healthy and with a normal relationship with food.

I am currently 144, I was down to 142 but lost control over the holidays (It is surprisingly easy to do!) and am working to get back on track.

As far as exercise goes I started jogging in August when this all began. I am working my way through a couch to 5 k program (for the second time) and was doing well, I could jog for a full 30 mins/5k but fell off the bandwagon with a bad cold that turned into mild pneumonia that I've had for like 7 weeks. So running has been more than I had in me. I'll get back there though.

I do martial arts 2 days a week, sometimes 3. I'm trying to get back to what I was doing with jogging 3 days a week. The days I jog I also do pushups/situps/squats/etc and do some toning with 5lb hand weights. If I really don't feel like it on a day I should be jogging I will at least jump rope and shadow box. I am feeling stronger and fitter and I really love it.

Hubs has had my back with this in a number of ways:
-no complaints when I bought decent running shoes. My $30 ones really hurt my feet.
-babysits if I want to run during the day on the weekend (usually I go at night though)
-at least tries the healthier food I prepare
-says positive things to me when it occurs to him
-encourages me when I tell him I hit a milestone (5lbs down, 15 lbs down, etc)
-no complaints about fees associated with martial arts
-pokes my muscles and laughs and says they are harder/bigger. Obliges when I'm like "Feel this - I'm getting guns!" and squeezes my bicep.
-gives me a "you can do it!" in a goofy cartoon character voice when I say "Oh I don't feel like running tonight, please kick me in the butt. call me fat or something.". This one is important because he could say something cutting or remind me how bad I need to or tell me I'd better. He chooses to be a comedian. God I love this man.
-told me I need to show off my ass so he took me jean shopping.
-always tells me I'm sexy when we are intimate. that he can honestly feel the difference in my body.
-has not monitored my food. He tried one time and it was World War 3 so he hasn't done that again.

As far as my goals go I would like to get down to 135 and back in my skinny jeans (5 slim fit). More than that though I just want to tone up and continue to enjoy the energy I have now. I am a better wife and better mom and all round happier person than I was in the summer. I want my man to be proud to hang me on his arm and be sexually attracted to me. I want my relationship with food to continue to improve. I gave it far too much power in my life for far too long. Food is fuel, not my friend. Besides lots of sugar gives me a headache.

To sum up: I put down my fork, put food in it's place, and started moving.

If I can do it, your spouse can too.

Posted by fightlike_agirl
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

I believe honesty is usually the best policy

2011-01-24T22:23:00.000-08:00

I believe honesty is usually the best policy, but I don't like to be cruel or needlessly hurtful, and so I am trying to be as tactful and kind as possible.

Too often I see overweight folks focus on the effects their weight has on their health and daily lives. I hear them complain, and rightly so, that they are treated cruelly because of their size. But I ask them to consider and focus on how their weight affects others, such as their spouses, and especially if they have spouses of a normal weight.

I can only speak from a woman's perspective, and I can honestly say that a soft waist and bouncing breasts are strictly feminine attributes, and on a man they can be total libido killers.

But the physical aspect is not the worst part. Women are typically different than men in that they can easily look at a drop-dead gorgeous hunk of a man and not experience any arousal because of the lack of mental and emotional appeal.

Well, when ones spouse knowingly maintains an unattractive [ie obese] appearance, and yet still desires that the wife remain slim and sexy, the first thing to go through the woman's mind is "don't my desires and feelings matter too?"

For a while I was able to convince myself that what I wanted didn't matter. I told myself (and still do) that I should be grateful for all of the numerous blessings in my life (which I am) including my hardworking husband.

But every time he brings home a skimpy shirt or a sexy dress for me to wear, and every time he asks to see me naked, I can feel the anger, and subsequent resentment, building up.

"Its not fair," I think.

I lied one day and told him that I had an uncommonly low libido, therefore I often wasn't "in the mood." I tried to blame my lack of sexual desire on myself. I even managed to convince myself of it for a while.

I am in my late twenties, and a small voice in my head continues to whisper that I am too young for this. My best years will pass by while I feel obligated to give sexual release to a spouse who can't seem to find the motivation to lose weight. If he will not do it for himself or his children, why would his wife be a good enough reason?

I will not consider adultery or divorce because I take my vows before God and witnesses very seriously. If I can't keep the big promises, how can anyone think to trust my small ones? I will not sacrifice my honor or the well-being of my children (who adore their father) for temporary gain.

And so I remain steadfast at my husband's side. But my inner turmoil is becoming unbearably painful. I just ask the overweight spouses out there to consider the needs of their spouse before their own, because most likely their slim spouses have been doing just that for years: showing loyalty, patience, and love while holding out the hope that one day their overweight spouse will get into shape.

It is time to stop being selfish, folks.

It is time to lose the weight.

Posted By Torn on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Weight Gain Simplified

2011-01-19T06:51:00.000-08:00

A diet plan is a must-have when it comes to weight gain. It can be just as hard to gain weight as to lose it. I have spoken before about the concept of the obese as athletes of their own, a form of body builder or marathon maniac if you will. Any of these lifestyles would require a strict diet, one that is stuck to religiously. I bring you my personal account of my own diet, the one that made me soar past the 400lb mark. I am now Super Obese.

Your jaw has dropped, you can't pick it up from the floor- you're stunned. How did a woman at my height of 5' reach a staggering FOUR HUNDRED pounds?

Dedication my Fatling friends. I picked my plan, and I stuck to it, no matter what hubby said. No matter who was offering me a salad instead. I was hardcore. Similar to how the thin ones refuse to snack on our gluttonous offerings and partake in the fast and processed food industry with our kind of gusto.

If you wanna get real fat, really fast this is the diet for you. Consider it the parallel to using steroids for a bodybuilder. Only we aim to take up even more space than these guys. Muscle weighs more than fat, but fat is still bigger and more in your face. Who do you think would win in a fight?

First, the foods. We need you to adopt what I have coined as the 'Snake Grocery Grid', after the popular cell phone game. Basically, when you shop at the Supermart(remember we're going for super obese)- and never the impoverished and unpreserved Farmer's Market- you're gonna wanna slink your cart up and down the aisles, but stay away from the sides. Okay, there are some exceptions in the sides, but only the most fattening foods! I want you to grab some baby back, baby back, baby back ribs!

You need to be eating several times a day, but you might think to yourself that this method would boost the metabolism. Actually, it doesn't. If you take in more calories than you burn, you gain weight, plain and simple. To add one pound of body fat, you need to be eating 3500 calories more than your Basal Metabolic Rate. On top of taking in your BMR of course.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and you’ve got to overload your system right from the get go if you’re a true gainer. Instead of toast or cereal, step things up with a greasy breakfast sandwich, or even a toasted bagel with cream cheese. Most bagels equate to three slices of bread, especially from a restaurant, and most cream cheese is like 4 or 5 points per tablespoon on a Weight Watcher’s plan, so if you’re wanting to watch your weight go up, you’ll blow the toast out of the water with this one. If you’re a coffee drinker, make sure you order it double cream, double sugar, otherwise opt for a latte. A large latte is basically just a big cup of sweetened hot milk, so this is a great option for anyone wanting to add the pounds. If you’re real ambitious, add whipped cream to that.

Now for brunch. Brunch itself is said to have originated from a wealthy Fatling who could never quite make it to lunch after breakfast, but couldn’t settle for a snack. As a rather positive consequence, the mealtime now known as brunch was born. Rather than grabbing a chocolate bar or a bag of crackers, try to make this daily milestone a meal of it’s own. A fatty Caesar Salad with Croutons and extra cheese, or a hearty bowl of cream-based soup should do. If you aren’t quite to this level of calorie consumption, stick with the chocolate or carb-laden nibbles. Whatever you do, don’t grab an apple or anything that isn’t gonna shake up your glycemic load.

For lunch, try to look around you. Most of your co-workers are probably fat, so it’s a safe bet for you to order out with them. You have enjoy yourself once in a while, and what better way to do this than to eat what everyone else is eating? Food is love, and everyone will love you if you’re eating the same crap as them. Pizza, deep fried anything, Hamburgers, even a submarine sandwich if you order the right thing, can only help to tip the scale toward your goals. By lunchtime, I recommend that you are already over the daily limit for a normal person as far as calories go.

The 3 pm wall of hunger hits as all the sugar and carbs you’ve been gorging on leave you in a bloodsugar rut. Fear not! This is a sign you’re headed in the right direction. Now’s a good time to hit up the office vending machine, or grab a few cookies. This should give you the Oomph you need to make it through the rest of the day, and get you home to the dinner table.

Dinner. Another one of the most important meals of the day. By the time you get home you probably don’t feel like cooking, so again, order out, or opt for something premade and packaged obtained from our handy snake grid method of shopping. This is probably a little cheaper, for those of you who can’t quite afford that level of excess. As an extra little tip, I recommend you’re nibbling on whatever you can as you prepare the meal. Those little bites add up fast! Don’t forget dessert as well.

7 Pm rolls around and everyone knows if you’re trying to lose the rolls this is the cutoff for eating. But the glutton is usually feeling their hunger strongest at this time. Good thing this is when your metabolism is often slowest- it’s the best time to gain! My diet plan allows for you to eat whatever you want in this slot. Take advantage of this time as you’re pretty much eating double: when you hit the hay it’s going straight to fat along with whatever excess you had up to this point.

Don’t forget a bedtime snack as well, even an extra 100 calories in the form of a kids snack pack of cookies or a bowl of your favourite cereal. Eat late, if you want to gain weight! OINK!

And there you have it, bonafide advice to catapault your weight gain goals and get your gut to where you want it to be. I hope this helps some of the fat spouses here stick it to their spouse and add an extra 25lbs to the tension!

Posted by

Proud Plumpette

on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

It's not for the faint of heart

2011-01-16T11:29:00.000-08:00

I don't think that a fat partner considers weight gain to be a personal failure.

It's due to children, stress, no time for working out, no time to cook healthy meals because of the kids soccer practice, a bad marriage, a horrible boss, an awful job, emotional issues, age related, I was molested (and BTW pretty much everyone was at some point!), I don't feel loved, I don't know HOW to lose weight, diets don't work, I have a thyroid problem, my medication makes me gain weight, or any other excuse you can attach to it.

But it is rarely because I eat too much, I eat too many (donuts, cheeseburgers, pizza, etc), I don't exercise, or anything else that might resemble personal responsibility.

I don't think I agree with a spouse having the right to walk out without saying a word though...I think it is owed to the spouse to inform them of the reasons for ending the marriage, and if the fat spouse wants to make changes, great! But those changes would have to be immediately implement with an agreed upon deadline for at least SOME changes. If not, see ya! Life's too short! That's just me though. If the fat spouse doesn't give a $hit or is too lazy to do what it takes then you're banging your head against a brick wall. I think a spouse owes it to the other to be honest and let them know how they feel, but if after that they refuse to do anything about the situation - whatever it is, not just weight - well, then let the chips fall where they may.

As for marriage, I find it interesting that when two people decide to marry it's all about emotions & feelings. That's fantasy land. Feelings fade - guaranteed. What must be left is a shared vision for life, mutual respect and some attraction. Yet, when a couple decides to divorce and one says "I don't love you anymore" people don't want to hear that! Marriage is no longer about "emotions & feelings" it's now its about responsibility, commitment, and promising to spend your life with someone FOREVER - REGARDLESS of how you feel!!! Yuck. And on top of it all the government gets to dictate all the details of a couple's divorce where it pertains to money & children - basically the two most important aspects of marriage. I honestly think marriage sucks and am reluctant to ever enter into another. IMHO. Probably only invented for the purpose of raising children. But really, who can last an ENTIRE lifetime with the same person, especially when issues like these arise. You can't control another person, and if they refuse to change, even knowing how adversely something they are doing is affecting the other, then you're SOL and stuck with them simply because of a contract? No. Thanks.

People need to think long and hard before entering into such a union. It's not for the faint of heart.

posted by LiveLifeWell
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

My Own Twisted Version of Thinspiration

2011-01-14T23:28:00.000-08:00

I've been lurking and thought it was time to introduce myself.

First off, great site! I sympathize with many of the spouses on here, it must be so disheartening to see your love buried under mounds of butter.

I come here for my own twisted version of thinspiration. Am trying to lose weight, typical story, emotional eating and bad choices through my pregnancies left me with some extra poundage. I am starting to feel much happier in my skin, so that is great for me.

Back in the summer (July) my husband gave me a once over look when I came out of the shower and said in his no nonsense voice "we need to lose weight". I was crushed. My youngest was four months old and although I didn't recognize it at the time I was stuck in postpartum depression. For a week all I could think was "he doesn't want me. he doesn't want me." I was totally heartbroken and he didn't even realize it. I went to visit my sister, who is gorgeous, healthy, and thin. She has also been through the wringer with depression issues. We had a heart to heart and she told me how much better she feels with the weight off and getting her "runners high" a couple times a week. She inspired me, I wanted to feel and look good too! I wanted my husband to think I was damn sexy. Be proud of me! So I was doing it for myself and for him. And my kids. I wanted out of that depression, and not with drugs. I wanted them to have a healthy, happy mommy who would run around and chase them, not sit on the couch mindlessly watching cartoons with them all day.

I went home and had a talk with my husband. To this day he maintains that he meant we both need to lose weight, not to hurt my feelings or tell me to. Now he is no fitness superstar, small paunch beginning... darn beer! Despite what he says, I truly think what really went on was he was being straight with me. And knows me well enough to get that if he pissed me off just right I'd get myself slimmed down

We didn't have any heart to hearts or mushy anything. He didn't give me an ultimatum. He didn't say you are disgusting. But I told him what my goals were/are and how I intended to get there and what he could do to help me. All I wanted from him was support. If he sees a difference in my body, say something. If I tell him I hit a milestone, 5, 10, 15, 20 pounds and share that with him I'd like him to tell me that he thinks it's great! I did not want him watching my food -- I know exactly what I am eating. If I want to go for a run he needs to watch the kids. And not complain about it! It's been wonderful. I don't need encouragement from him every day. But the other day when he said "your jeans are falling off! let's go get you a new pair that fit better, show off that ass." I can't tell you how great it made me feel.

So now I am a work in progress. Hi everybody!
I hope there is something in this story that will be helpful to someone.

Do or do not. There is no try. -Jedi Master Yoda

Posted by fightlike_agirl

on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

I read this website for motivation to lose weight

2010-12-22T09:03:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that I'm still overweight. I'm 5'0 and weigh just under 150 lbs...but 5 and a 1/2 months ago I weighed just under 200 lbs. I've gone from a size 18 to a size 10 and a lot of my weight is from muscle, as I'm currently training for a 5k. My plan is to get down to around 125, which is a very health weight for my body type (yes, I'm curvy in the sense that I have a big chest and hips and small waist...but no rolls!). My husband is tall and athletic and I find him exceedingly attractive. We've only been married 3 years but honestly, I'd gained most of the weight while we were dating and before he proposed to me. Still, I've always known that he prefers thinner, fitter women and it has always bothered me that I wasn't his feminine ideal even though he fell in love with me for many of my other attributes. When I started reading this website it broke my heart because I knew that my husband probably felt the same as many of you, but was too kind to say anything. Of course, there are a couple of men on this site (no names necessary I'm guessing) who are disgusting pigs undeserving of a woman's love...but the majority of people on this site seem to be here seeking help in a desperate situation. I'm only writing this in case I can help someone else who's struggling, so I'm going to list what's helped me get to where I am today.

Hypnosis:
On Dateline they pitted six different diets against each other and the guy using Tom Nicoli's weight loss hypnosis CDs lost more (and kept it off) than all the others. I don't know *why* it works, I just know that it does...I listen to mine on my ipod at night, 3-4 nights a week.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: CBT can work miracles. It is the only talk therapy that's proven to achieve long lasting results with changing unhealthy behaviors such as smoking or over eating. If you don't have a CBT practitioner in your area, I suggest getting the book "The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think like a Thin Person".

For me, my weight gain started with an injury that led to chronic pain and depression which only worsened as my weight went up and up. But don't get me wrong, I wasn't this thin athletic person before my injury, I've *always* had trouble with my weight. I would diet like crazy only to give up and gain the weight back, plus some because I had a destructive relationship with food and didn't know how to change. What's different about this time is the CBT. It retrains your brain so that your relationship with food is different. It is still *incredibly* difficult for me to lose weight. I have to exercise and restrict my calories, I have to give up a lot of my favorite foods...but the CBT helps me see the advantages of doing so. It's all about *choice*. Instead of thinking "It's not fair I *can't* have pizza"...we learn to reframe the situation "I really love eating pizza but I *choose* not to because I know I'll end up eating too much and feel sick. It's not worth it to me." It may seem like a minor difference, but how we think about food is key to gaining control over it. For the record, when I was fat(ter) I still loved my husband. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful to him or his love but not taking care of myself...and I wasn't lazy. Food was/is an addiction just like an alcoholic's relationship to alcohol, and yes, it often *is* biological. Try to forgive your spouse for getting fat. They probably aren't doing it out of spite and I'm guessing they aren't happy about it no matter how it appears to you.

Being fat sucks!

One thing I did with my husband was write him a letter telling him *exactly* how he could help me such as:

"give me hugs when you see I'm struggling"
"don't criticize me if I'm eating something not on my plan"
"give me attention when you see I'm making an extra effort with my appearance"

etc.

I also told him I'd need to spend some money related to my fitness plan and that he needed to be OK with that. I bought new work out clothes, bras, walking shoes (shape-ups), food scale, water bottles, etc.

Here are some things I've learned through my extensive research on the subject of weight loss:

Drink lots of water. I have a 27 ounce canteen and I drink at the very least, two of them everyday.

Get enough sleep, at least 8 hours a night.

The best exercise for fat burning is those that engage your slow twitch muscles...such as paced walking. Walking has helped me burn more fat than all of my previous expensive work outs (eliptical, kick boxing, step aerobics, etc.) that engage medium and fast twitch muscles that don't burn fat as much.

Weigh and measure your food in the beginning and log what you eat so you get a better idea of portions. Try to mostly eat stuff that isn't made with flour or sugar.

That's about it. I drink water, get a full night's rest, eat lots of healthy protein, fiber, carbs, and fat, walk about 4-5 times a week (only recently I've started training for a race).

What my husband has done to support me is:

Flirted with me, treated me like a sexy woman even before I got there. He noticed any time I made an effort (by wearing a coordinated outfit, curling my hair, putting on make-up, using sexy linger, etc.).

He was kind and helpful without being manipulative. He never compared me to other women. Never openly checked out other women in front of me or tried to make me feel jealous or threatened by another woman.

He told me repeatedly how much he loved me. Is appreciative of all the things I do for him.

Does some of the cooking and grocery shopping (healthy food only) and some of the cleaning so I always have clean pots and pans for making healthy dinners etc.

He doesn't order buttered movie popcorn in front of me when we go out to the movies. Doesn't bring home pizza or ice cream or other foods not on my plan.

Makes suggestions for us to do fun, physical things together, like walks on the beach or skiing.

Doesn't make me feel guilty if I want to take it easy and watch TV or read a book at night sometimes.

Builds me up in front of his parents and friends. Brags about me to everyone (but not about my weight loss because I've asked him not to).

I've read on here already that you can't MAKE your partner lose weight. They have to decide to do it on their own. I made the decision on my own, even though my main motivation was for my husband. I don't know if that would have ever happened if I'd felt pressured by him. I had to believe that he loved me first. Those of you who call your spouse a fatling obviously have no respect for your spouse and they are probably well aware of that fact. Don't feel that you owe yourself an affair...that is the liar's way out. If you have no love or desire for your spouse and have given up on helping them regain fitness...then do them a favor and be honest with them and get a divorce.

Thanks for listening!

posted by

Chris

on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Weight in the World of Warcraft

2010-12-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

I fear this might be the only place for me to turn for assistance. This has become a nightmare for me, a true nightmare.

I'll start by saying I play a lot of MMORPG's, in particular World of Warcraft. I'm kind of a nerd I suppose. A big nerd actually. ^_^; Haha, I've been playing online for many moons. I do have a job and pull my own weight in my relationship, and my wife and I keep an impeccably clean house, aside from my slightly unruly computer desk area. I usually focus a lot more on cleaning house in WOW rather than keeping my desk clean.

I met my wife online back in 2000. She sent me a pic, and I spent more time fapping than leveling up. She was hot. We talked on various chat sites, and played together in a few different games. It was a match made in heaven- a nerdy girl that's also hot? Score!

Well, in 2001, we decided it was time to meet IRL. We got together and had a blast! You know how people say you meet someone from the internet for the first time, and it's a truly awkward experience? Like you just don't even know them? Not us! We hit it off big time, and before we knew it, she was packing her bags and leaving home to come be with me. A few of my friends said this might be too soon, but I didn't heed their warnings. I was just so happy to find someone I could relate to so closely, I was blind.

Well, just as soon as she moved in, she got comfortable. We got a second desk for the office, and she set up her comp, and things went smoothly for the first couple of months. Lot's of play time, if ya know what I mean. ^_^ Within three months, she was showering less and eating more than I do. She looked a little heavier, but I ignored it, and figured that's what happens when you're happy with a man.

She's around 350 now. At 5'4", that's... a little too much. O.o; In terms of fattitude, she's level 80- I can't even politely show concern about her health. I fear that she will continue to gain and I have to say that I was turned off a long time ago. I haven't had sex in about 5 years.

This is where WingedChick87 comes in. I met her on WOW, and we talk frequently on MSN. We've been engaging in cyber sex often, and although I kind of feel badly for betraying my wife, I have needs! I've given up hope on her ever losing weight, but I'm wary about leaving her and having the same shit start all over again.

What should I do? It's a sticky situation. I feel like my life has been inflicted with a status effect of epic proportions. I don't wanna think about my wife like that. It's not fair to her. But this certainly isn't fair to me either. Should I drop her and equip another wife? Or should I continue my quest to find the right item to change her back into the hot chick I landed to begin with?

Posted by SkinnyWizard
on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Fattitude - fat·ti·tude [fat-i-tood, -tyood]

2010-12-16T22:05:00.000-08:00

In a recent post I listed a few items as examples of what I consider to be 'fatitude'. Below is my attempt to take it a step further and begin to categorically define the term originally coined by M2.

Did I get it right? Please post your corrections, additions, deletions, etc.

Fattitude - fat·ti·tude [fat-i-tood, -tyood]

A collection of highly irrational, and often contradictory attitudes, beliefs and expectations about fatness/obesity, its causes and cures, and its role in relationships and society. The degree to which someone agrees with any or all of the following is their level of fattitude:

Examples:

* Believing that becoming obese is a natural, unavoidable and irreversible result of the aging process, exactly the same as getting wrinkles or losing hair. Anyone who manages to avoid this has exceedingly rare genetics and must be a "fitness nut" who lives a very extreme, miserable lifestyle where they are virtual slaves to maintaining their unnatural bodies.

* Believing that obesity is caused by mysterious medical conditions, stress, mean spouses, and a hundred other things that the individual cannot control, but NEVER by laziness or overeating.

* Believing that losing weight through sensible eating and exercise is virtually impossible (see previous).

* No one (spouse, child, parent, sibling, etc) should ever expect or encourage another person to lose weight for any reason whatsoever, whether it be health/longivity, quality of life, attractiveness, etc.

* Believing that it is normal and perfectly acceptable to remain or become fit for the purpose of attracting a spouse, then once you are married, letting yourself go and gaining 50+ pounds. Marriage is a binding contract that requires your spouse to find you attractive no matter how much you let yourself go. If they protest, they should be labeled shallow, immature and narcissistic. Some people may consider this an unethical "bait and switch" but they are just haters and fatists (see below).

* Calling fat rolls and cellulite "curves" and referring to obese females as "real women"

* Having an entitled mentality that fat people should be treated as a protected class.

* Referring to fat people as 'normal' and healthy/fit people as 'thin' or 'skinny'.

* Insisting that regarding fat people as unattractive and/or undeserving of special protection is somehow comparable to racism or homophobia (hence the term 'fatist').

* Insisting that "it's all Hollywood's fault" that most people find a fit healthy body attractive and blubber unattractive. Obese is normal, fit is not.

* Inexplicably claiming that you can somehow be both fat and healthy/fit at the same time.

Posted by RiderX on the

Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Married with two affairs

2010-12-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

I've been lurking around these forums for a while, and feeling slightly better reading all your stories than I'm not alone in my misery. I've been married for 11 years (I married young) to someone who started out thin, attractive, sportsy and energetic, and who is now a very overweight fatling bordering on obesity (she's around 224 pounds for 5 feet 9 inches), who doesn't take care of herself in any manner, stopped doing sports or even going out entirely, has no energy, developed sleep apnea, is working on developing other health issues, and is basically a snappy bitch 24/7. We have two kids, a 8yo boy and a 5yo girl, they're both smart and thin, neither one is fat, they both do a lot of sports outside school and they seem to be happy kids. My wife, besides self-destructing with food and being too lazy to go out and do things with the kids, is a fairly good mother, is good about maintaining a united front with me when we decide something about the kids, cooks healthy meals for them, she loves the kids, they love her back, so I don't want to upset the apple cart. I'm also the sole income source for the family and I've been supporting her for as long as we've been married. I work my ass off while she does nothing all day once the kids are in school, but I've never complained.

However I'm ashamed to do anything with her, I don't want to go out and be seen with her, every time we talk without the kids around she bitches at me, and when she comes on to me about once a week or so, I am grossed out and pretend to be tired. I feel like I'm on the wrong end of a major bait-and-switch.

I'm thin (170 pounds for 6 feet two) and I'm a pretty smiley and confident person. My wife piled the pounds on quickly after we got married so all that resentment already existed back then, and I had an affair with a thin girl which she never knew about. I put an end to it once I decided to have a family. These days, once in a while attractive women still chat me up and it takes a lot of self-discipline to ignore it. Once I ended up at a convention (I go to a few for my job) in the hotel room of a very attractive, thin, feminine 40yo who had chatted me up, and I said goodnight and walked away. It wasn't easy.

I've had "the talk" with my wife about her weight and my concerns for her health, I've tried all sorts of things, same as everyone here it seems (gym, going on walks, only having healthy food in the house..) and she has all sorts of stalling techniques to avoid directly telling me no, but yet nothing ever happens and my resentment and the feeling I'm wasting my one life keeps building.

Late last year a woman who's close to my feminine ideal flirted with me ("offline", not on the computer) and I finally decided to pursue it. She's knows I'm married, she's thin, mid thirties, feminine, takes care of her looks, only speaks to say something intelligent, and above all she has a great and positive personality. She's got kids of her own and doesn't want to be in a relationship again due to very bad history with men, but still has needs. She also has a power job and interesting stories about it all the time. We became sex buddies and it's still ongoing, it's been over a year now. I can't begin to explain how good it feels to be desired by an attractive, feminine and very smart woman, to the point that I can barely walk in the door of her place before being jumped on. She's not after money (she makes more than I do!), there are no strings attached, no head games, we meet up for sex and that's that. Having this affair has done a lot to restore my self-confidence and blowing off steam from being unwilling to leave my wife since that would also probably mean leaving the kids I adore.

My sex buddy isn't always available, which is normal - she has a job and kids of her own. So this summer I met another woman, also mid thirties, also thin, great looking, with a genuine, very outgoing and energetic personality. Very different looking in every way than my mistress but just as hot. This time I'm the one who pursued her, and, it must be some sort of personal best, even taking into account my sleeping around days before getting married, we went from meeting to being in bed in about 4 hours total. I guess I needed some reassurance that hooking up with that first woman wasn't a fluke, that I could seduce even if the woman didn't give herself up on a platter, and that I am still actually attractive and don't actually deserve to just be with my fatling. She also has a high libido, no kids, single, she does know I'm married, she has a job as well, not after money. She would be happy to enter a relationship but I've told her upfront that I won't leave my family, ever. Yet that affair is also still ongoing.. Again I barely can walk in the door before we end up in bed. In 11 years, even though I support my fatling wife and even do quite a bit around the house, she has never done so much as make me a coffee (a stupid example, I don't need a maid, but just a sign of attention), even when we were dating and she was in the "selling the idea of marriage" period. I thought it was normal and I didn't deserve any attention.. yet both mistresses are full of small attentions, one of them even always has a coffee ready, stirred up and all, when I visit. I purposedly try to avoid an emotional affair so I don't discuss issues or my life much with them, but they're still both much more encouraging and motivating than my legitimate wife. How f-ed up is that.

I call one when the other isn't available, so basically I end up having sex with a thin, feminine girl 4 times a week on average, while remaining married to a bitchy unappreciative entitlement queen fatling, for the sake of the kids. I do use protection all the time. I'm not trying to set myself up to be found out so she takes the decision to divorce and free me - I really will be sticking around to be present for my kids and ensure they grow up healthy and happy like they are now. I guess my main concern is that I feel no guilt whatsoever and that I actually feel so much better about myself.

I have zero hope that my fatling will ever lose the weight, as she is still ballooning up further and using stalling technique after stalling technique to avoid direct confrontation on the issue, or restore her pre-marriage personality; so I have every intention to keep these affairs or even having new ones.

posted by The Trapped Thinling on

Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

I'm not here to rumble...

2010-11-18T08:30:00.000-08:00

OK, I will admit that I happened upon this forum from one of the FA blogs. I will say that I don't think that most of you are wrong or evil, and that most of the posts here are made by spouses who love their partners, but just don't get how they can let them selves get fat. I have also seen some posts by people I believe are asshats.

I will also say that I do not believe that any fat person should be persecuted by strangers, let alone family and loved ones for being fat. (Trust me, it doesn't work) I don't believe that anyone WANTS to be fat or gets fat on purpose.

What I do believe is that a person cannot make changes for someone else, no matter how much they love them, they can only make changes for themselves. A big part of having the inner ability to change is love of self. Many fat people do not love themselves, nor do they believe that they are deserving of love, but they are wrong. Every human being on this earth deserves to be loved. That is why I read FA blogs. If I can learn to accept myself and love myself the way I am now, I have a better chance of making changes to my lifestyle. I think that FA does good work in this area.

I also believe that a fat person can be healthy. I have been fat for most of my life and I have not one physical ailment. Not diabetic, not hypertensive, no high blood pressure, no crumbling joints, etc. I am not AS healthy as a tri-athelete, but I am not in imminent medical danger either. I work out. I have been with a personal trainer for over a year now and the benefits I see from it are amazing. I am very proud of how far my endurance and physical strength have come, but, guess what? I'm still fat.

What I don't see a lot of here (and I have only been here for a day, so if it's somewhere, let me know) is the address of the mental issues that cause or are a result of fat. Could it be possible that there are deep lying emotional issues that cause your spouses to get or hold onto their fat? I would hate to see the girlfriend of the gentleman who posted that she is sexually out of shape get kicked to the curb for eating candy bars. Someone even mentioned that perhaps she was embarrassed by the whole situation and was placating herself with the chocolate. That was the only emotionally/mentally geared post that I read. Again, maybe I am reading in the wrong places...

I guess what this all boils down to is I don't hate you because you are not fat, please don't hate me because I am. You don't know where I have been or where I am going, you don't know if I have just lost 50 pounds or gained 100. Let me love myself and if you are my family, friend or lover treat me with humanity and respect. Encourage me to get the the heart of the matter, whatever that matter may be.

Posted Anonymously on the My Fat Spouse forum

When Your Partner is Supportive

2010-11-17T22:46:00.000-08:00

This is such a complex issue and I almost hesitate to post. You are all complete strangers. I hope you don't think that I am one of those self centered people who think that the world will be fascinated with my life or me in general. My struggles are nothing unique. I am here because I am at a loss and the frustration is just building and building. I hope a fresh pair of eyes can help me put things in perspective.

*past

In great shape until I was 16ish. Sports, country life and military school saw to that. (overshare but important for perspective) I was raped at military school and sent home. I was put in one of those locked down facilities for troubled teens because my mom was unable to deal with it. I never had any drug or delinquency issues or anything.

Point being is that I went from an almost insane amount of activity to NOTHING. I had just ran the bataan memorial death march with my troop which was a 26 mile marathon through the middle of the desert with full bdus and a ruck sack at 15 years old.

The locked down facility was just that. You were stuck in a tiny tiny room and the only exercise available was during brief dodge ball or similar games. I wasn't really mature enough to understand that exercise=weight loss so I didn't work out in my little room. The food was also crap. I went from a very muscular size 6 to a size 12 in about 9 months.

After that I slowly gained weight. Not much until I went to college and kinda ballooned. I have trouble with self discipline and would eat pizza instead of healthy meals. Add a ton of stress due to family stuff and I was probably about a size 14 when life was uprooted again and I found myself in Florida.

The weird thing is my legs and butt never lost their shape. My arms are still the same. But I gained weight around the belly. 100% of it is there. (PLEASE if anyone can tell me WHY!!??...) I wish that it could have been more distributed. I have to wear clothing way to big for my body in order to accommodate the weird shape. I guess the point of all this is I am not making excuses for my weight gain it was 100% my fault but I just wanted to point out a few things before I started with the issue at hand.

I have had serious issues since moving here that have made my activity level plummet.

*It is HOT and humid and I find myself inside at almost all times to avoid the sun. I used to be outdoors often hiking or just hanging out in general. I don't mind being uncomfortable but my skin is like porcelain. I cant help but see all the leather type skin damage that is so prevalent here. I am almost overly paranoid about getting skin cancer or my skin getting all messed up.

*I don't drive. The only thing I'm afraid of so that makes it nearly impossible to find activities that I enjoy and are not specifically for weight loss

*I have joined two separate gyms. First was the ladies fitness express (curves) and it was bullshit. I didn't even bother to go after the first few weeks. Second was LA fitness. the problem with that was I had to wait a good 2 hours after working out for my ride to come (on top of the 30 min drive both ways) and I guess that zapped my motivation. Once again this is NOT an excuse. A truly motivated person could have easily made that into a positive.

* I have quit smoking several times and generally gain between 5-10 pounds per attempt.

And finally the matter at hand. My boyfriend is VERY supportive of me losing weight (obsessive really). Well that was the first two gym memberships anyway. A 24 hour fitness center opened up literally down the block and I was very excited. Real gym and something I could get to myself and he didn't need to be involved. I wouldn't need to wait at all afterwards and could work out whenever I wanted to! (getting rid of that pesky issue of self hatred and having to lose weight for someone else to find me attractive)

Well instead of the hopefully optimistic response I was expecting he started in with the "what's the point you're just going to quit anyway" type of stuff. Well I wont get into that argument because I think that's beyond the spectrum of this forum. What all this is leading up to is how much he and I differ on what we believe will help me lose weight.

He seems to think that because I am fat and he is skinny as a rail that he is healthier. This has led to many arguments over everything including diet and exercise. I am not saying its his fault. He does not shove food in my mouth or tie me to the bed (no not that way you pervs lol) and keep me from exercising. I SHOULD have the self control to just ignore the crap food.

He eats nothing but red meat, burgers, crappy diner food and CANDY. Its not uncommon for him to eat candy for dinner followed by various frozen highly processed pastries. This followed by a day or two of eating nothing. Like I said he is rail thin. Of course his teeth are rotting and at 29 he looks like he is 35 but he insists he's fine. Diabetes anyone? *sighs* He is pretty active so I guess He stays in physical shape. Well as much as one can without getting enough vitamins.

See I'm one of those out of site out of mind people. If there is no junk around I honestly don't even think about it. Except for that ice cream craving once a month I really don't want to eat anything bad. Even then give me the option of ice cream or a nice platter of various cut up fruit and Ill choose the fruit happily. But damnit when you live with someone who brings in so much crap its hard to have the self discipline to cook a healthy meal when you are famished. Its so much easier to grab some processed fast cook crap then the broccoli. Plus I am just learning how to cook. Its slow going.

See my problem is I simply eat too much. I eat a lot of good and healthy food (I love veges/fruit) but I also eat some of his crap food. That with the lack of exercise and you get chubby.

Also, its damned expensive these days to eat healthy. He thinks that because all of his crap food costs about 20$ a week that I should be able to eat healthy for about that much. I don't even see most of the stuff that comes in a box/can/package as food. It literally doesn't register to me. Food is in the produce section, the dairy/egg section hell its even in the meat section (chicken and fish for me) It is NOT in the center isles with the exception of some condiments and vinegars. But that stuff COSTS more. If you are trying to plan for breakfast lunch and dinner you have to buy actual food. He also accuses me of being stupid for buying organic. Hell I try to be realistic, sometimes it doesn't matter. But for some things you just have to in order to avoid eating processed chemical laden food. Check this out organic black beans= beans, water, a little salt. Non organic regular black beans= HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, beans, water, salt. That easily doubles the price. I don't eat a lot of meat but when I do I make sure its as close to organic as you can buy (publix greenwise). I guess what I need from you guys is an average grocery bill for one person per week eating healthy. Please tell me I'm not crazy.

Another thing we disagree on is calories. I know this isn't healthy or anything but generally when I eat ice cream I will eat a pint of it. This means I eat almost nothing for the rest of the day. That doesn't make it healthy but I think it makes it so I wont gain as much weight from it. A calorie is a calorie right?

Exercise wise he always says " well the people I have known who have lost a lot of weight exercise all day every day". He used to be fat and he lost it all by eating nothing but plain pasta and walking for miles with weights tied to his arms. Yeah he's a stubborn son of a bitch. He also thinks that by harassing me and criticizing everything I eat to the point of me literally hiding while I eat will motivate me. GRRRRR I don't want to make it sound like he is abusive. Nothing of the sort AT all. He just has a hard time understanding that everyone does not think like he does. What works for him does NOT work for others. Grr I fear that I am getting too far into this and rambling.

*please tell me that it is in fact possible for me to be healthier then him even if I am "fat" and he is skinny

*please tell me what is a normal and acceptable grocery bill per person per week

*please help me get some perspective.

and Finally please tell me if I am falling into that denial/excuse trap. Really I can take it, be blunt.

*sighs*

Posted By the NoviceCrafter of the My Fat Spouse Forum.

I just sent him this thread.

2010-11-17T22:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it.

I sent him the Post I wrote last summer "MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE LIVED THROUGH." He read the WHOLE thread. I also sent him emails I exchanged with a weight loss coach. He was hurt by it. He says it has changed him, but he wont say how.

Now he is leaving. We dont live together, but he is coming to get things he has stored at my house and then "getting me out of his head". He says he is going to work at becoming something I want, IF and only IF, he gets to that weight, he will call me. So, I may see him in a few months. Or a few years. Or never.

When we met, he was at 320. In 2 1/2 - 3 years he has gone down to about 260. That was with some plateaus and small yo-yos. If his weight loss had been consistent, he would prolly be to his goal by now. Its been like watching paint dry.

I sent him the posts so he could see and hopefully understand the dynamic where fat plays a huge part in everything we do, that it causes me pain and isnt just a neutral force in the relationship. AND I am not the only person who feels this way. ***So far all I think he understands is that I cant love him unconditionally.*** He does not want to be around someone whose negative view of him affects his moods so deeply.

I had told him here and there on several occasions that his weight was a problem. But I don't think he really saw the big picture.

I had wanted to "knock the fattitude" out of him. Because even though he is trying to lose weight, it was with kind of a "lahtidah, I'll get there when I get there" kind of pace. In the meatime, I'm getting more and more frustrated and tired of the rollercoaster: Hope, Desire, Repulsion, Despair. More and more, the despair winning out and being all I see.

M2 says in his post "THIS MAY HELP" to let go of the anger and resentment. How do you do THAT?????

This man is my perfect dream in a personality and my worst nightmare in a body. It must be a fattitude thing to really not understand the dynamic of fat and what it does to a relationship. Dont fat people look at other fat people and think, no FEEL: Ewwww!

I guess I cannot love him through it. I tried. But it has been a difficult point for me since the first day we reconnected. Should have admitted defeat back then instead of investing these years and it being so painful.

Oh, well.

posted by chevalle d'or on the My Fat Spouse Forum

Check the Thyroid

2010-11-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

I've been lurking on this board for a while. I'm a 32 year old woman and I used to be obese. Why did I lurk here? Well, I was so convinced that I was unloveable as a fat woman that this board was a good reminder of that and it fueled my self-loathing that kept me motivated. Thing is - I was never lazy and I never stuffed my face with junk food. I used to wake up at 4:30 am, go to the gym for an hour before work, go to the gym again after work for at least another hour, and keep my calories around 1300-1400. I tracked every single calorie - and most were from healthy foods. I ran half marathons, biked constantly, etc. And I was always over 200 pounds.

I was also chronically exhausted - so exhausted that I couldn't even be bothered to clean up my home properly. If I went out with my friends I would have to leave early and be in bed by 11pm.

Meanwhile, my doctors kept insisting that nothing was wrong with me except laziness and overeating and I was in denial. But the standards for diagnosing thyroid disease vary really, really widely and you have to find a doctor who is aware of the full range of tests and the new standards for diagnosing. I finally, demanded a full thyroid panel and found a doctor who diagnosed me in 2 minutes looking at the bloodwork. Starting on the right medication has been a godsend - I've already dropped 20 pounds and my energy is back and I'm losing the rest.

I'm telling you guys this because I know you want to believe your spouses are just lazy and disgusting pigs - but some of them really, truly might have thyroid problems. The depression, apathy, laziness, malaise, and weight gain are all symptoms of that.

I know you guys are a nasty bunch and I know you'll probably slam me for this. But I am truly hoping that maybe my experience can help someone else. You need to insist that the doctor run a full thyroid panel - TSH, T4, Free T4, T3, Free T3 and TPO-AB, among others. Know what numbers to look for. A TSH over 3 (some even say 2) can be indicative of subclinical hypothyroidism.

I never used my disease as an excuse - I blamed myself for not trying hard enough. But the truth is that I was very sick.

Maybe this will help someone here who is banging their head against a wall.

posted by Katie on the My Fat Spouse Forum

I read so many of the stories here and just had to sign up and tell mine.

2010-11-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

Ive read so many of the stories here and just had to sign up and tell my story. Wife and I are in our late 30's...2 kids. 6 years old and 11 months old. Great kids, love em. I work and wife is a stay at home mom till she finds work. She is 5'4'' and normally weighs around 140 or so which looks good on her. When she was pregnant with last baby she but on 60 lbs. She used to run a lot but stopped after getting pregnant. After the baby, she was about 180. This was about 8 months ago. Since then she has only lost another 6 lbs. SIX ! About 6 months ago in counseling we discussed her weight and how much it bothered, she became hysterical---crying etc but I think with the help of the counselor its something we would work on together. We stopped counseling because it became too much for her to handle and she felt he was "siding" with me too much. For 5 months I said nothing to her. She occasionally worked out---but never adjusted her eating. She eats healthy food but late at night and seems to like her sweets as well. All her friends and immediate family are obese to morbidly obese. I thought I got the one thin person in the family but I guess not.

In the last 3 weeks I have gotten back to talking about it after seeing she wasn't losing barely anything. I mentioned her health---how its a good example for our kids---I did workouts with her, changed my schedule so she could work out...bought her a treadmill..u name it I did it. We also had a lot of sex and I treated her exactly the same in bed. 3 weeks ago I went to her mothers house and saw her mother (who is older) in her non "dress up" clothes. It was a moo moo of sorts. She is easily 350 lbs or so...I felt so sad for her and thought what a difficult life she must have had due to all this excess weight. I also thought how difficult it must be for her husband who is a jack lalaine type. And I also thought about how my wife and all her overweight sisters just talk badly about the dad how he was always angry and so judgmental. Not saying his wifes weight was everything but I sure think it contributed. That day really hit home... I said that this is not going to be me in 50 years, no friggin way.

Every single time I have brought this up...it is met with hysterical yelling, throwing things and threats of divorce. It is crazy. When I was discussing this with my wife this morning I honestly thought a vein was going to pop in her head. My wife has always struggled with her weight, and 10 to15 lbs overweight I can deal with. 40 I cant. Its gross, her belly sticks out more than her giant breasts, she has a ton of back fat and her legs and ass are look like ball park frank plump versions of what they used to be. Facially she is beautiful, perhaps thats why she thinks its OK ? I dont know.
FYI---I lift weights and play basketball regularly so I am pretty fit and conscious of what and when I eat to keep myself looking good.

Reluctantly I am looking at different divorce options. I love my kids more than anything but I dont know what else to do with this obese woman who loves food more than her family it seems.

Posted by FitHusband on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Skinny Guy Spouts Off

2010-11-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

I found this website and forum while working today and immediately i started to reflect on my own relationship and how I have been pushing all of this anger, disappointment and disgust down deep inside for close to 5 years now. What follows is an extremely long explanation, please forgive. Allow me to explain: Hopefully, my user name is evidence enough that I'm the skinny one in this relationship, my wife on the other hand, is the opposite. I met her online about 5 years ago on Yahoo Personals and we clicked together instantly because we shared so many interests and had the same self-destructive tendencies (some which I have given up thankfully). My wife has been on the heavy side since I've known her, I believe she was 220 pounds when we first met... and she claims to have always been heavy. Five years later and she is almost 280 pounds now. She is conscious of this and hates it, she complains on a nearly daily basis and usually suggests that I leave her and let her die alone, which she typically retracts instantly. I should probably also state that she had a horrible childhood instance which has pretty much traumatized her and she remains so to this day despite 15 years of counseling. She has nightmares every night and sleeps very loudly. I thought I could look past that but in the end, I have realized that this has in large part, contributed to her overweight condition. My wife also has these bad habits: She is an alcoholic, she smokes a pack of cigarettes a day (and has for 14 years, starting at age 11), she smokes marijuana, and she likes to sneak high-sugary foods when she thinks I'm not aware. She sometimes makes an attempt and tries to eat in a relatively healthy way, in that she doesn't snack if I am near her and will often have a homeade fruit smoothie as part of a meal (she sometimes ruins it by eating something fatty or loaded with carbs with it). She is terrified of having a sexual relationship (which did not really manifest itself until 3 years into our relationship) but is obsessed with finding a female sex partner and constantly apologizes for not 'satisfying' me (this is another, but entirely different problem that I won't get into here) I have been very tolerant of her behavior, which was a major mistake I realize now. I use to participate in her ritual of coming home from work and watching television and smoking until she was too tired to stay awake, but I am making a point to not watch television with her this week and have stopped smoking for nearly a year now (a bad bad habit). I do not exercise myself very much, even though I am diabetic and have been for 10 years. I became diabetic as a result from a medical related incident and not due to poor diet, although I am frankly shocked my wife has not become diabetic, given her choice in high carbohydrate and high sugar meals. I love to spend time at the park but my wife hates it, she can't stand being outside for any reason other than walking to the car or, if I'm lucky, out gardening if the weather is very nice. Again, though, she is aware of her condition and often apologizes but never makes an attempt to do anything about it, even if i suggest we go for a walk, she won't because she is afraid of missing something on T.V. or is just too tired. She is so out of shape that she sweats profusely when toweling off from the shower, and is out of breath by the time she is finished dressing for the day. I don't know how to approach this anymore... I find myself lusting after women, even relatively heavy women, as long as they look thinner than she does. A lot of my close personal friends happen to be women and I feel disgusted with myself for wanting to go beyond friendship and sleep around with them. So, I don't know if I'm asking for help or just need some support, but anyway... I'm glad I found this site. Sorry this post was so long.

Read more on the the My Fat Spouse Forum

Right, this will be a long serious rant...

2010-10-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

What do you do with a fat, lazy, useless wife?

Background.

I've been married to Mrs OH for 18 years. Eleven years ago, she announced she was up the duff, and to cut a long story short, we are now landed with four children, three of whom were born in a year (don't ask).

I was a caring, nuturing father. I insisted that my wife did nothing but look after four babies so that I could sleep at least, whilst working 18 hours a day to pay for this all.

The children have now grown and can pretty much stand on their own two feet (11,8,8,8), yet NOTHING has changed.

She doesn't work, spends a bastard fortune in Next, doesn't know what a hoover, cooker, iron, broom or a bottle of toilet bleach is. A result of all of this inactivity has meant that she has inflated to the size of a sperm whale and the Post Office have issued her arse with it's own postcode. I tried withdrawing my "husbandly duties" but this resulted in huge bills from Ann Summers for diesel powered joy sticks (happily paid mind, I have never had a penchent for humping infaltable rubber dinghies).

How do I get this useless bulk do actually DO anything? Her impersonation of getting the shopping in is to drive a brand new gas guzzling MPV (paid for by me) to the furthest Tescos she can find to buy a pint of milk, a loaf of bread, a gross of Galaxy bars and twelve copies of Best magazine. Every day.

I shop, cook, clean, iron and hoover AND CLEAN TOILETS. As well as drive 200 miles a day to work and back, spend at least ten hours a day in the office to finance all this crap. And I have to drive on the M25, which MUST count for something in Gods Great Plan.

I'd divorce the cow, but I'll end up living in Student accomodation with bugger all whilst she strips my pay packet of anything worth having, raises my kids in a huge house (paid for by me) so filthy and dishevelled that Palestinians would turn their noses up at it and die a bitter and twisted old fart.

So gentlemen, thinking caps on. I need to sort this before I spend 20 years of my life at her majestys pleasure for stabbing a whale.
p

posted by Highball on the My Fat Spouse Forum

I just have to express it.

2010-10-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

I am youngish and keep myself extremely fit, and make an effort with my clothes, hair, makeup, and general appearance. I admit I am a little vain, but looking good feels good, and keeps me healthy.

My hubby is a good one. He is indulgent and often thoughtful. I'd never cheat on him and have no intention of leaving. But he makes zero effort on his appearance. He is so fat that he looks 14 months pregnant, with a huge belly and boobs that are way bigger than mine. His skin is often clammy to touch because he sweats all the time. He shuns outdoor activity because it is "too hot" unless it is winter, and can manage little physical effort without great discomfort.

I I can't help but be repulsed when he's sitting on the couch. I want to be married to a man that has a man's body, not a head attached to a big amorphous blob. He looks like a beached whale when he lies down on the couch. I want to have sex, but I want it with someone whose body I can feel: Bones and muscles--not clammy blubbery goo. I hate being crushed underneath or having to smash down on a giant gut. We are rarely intimate. He thinks I simply have no sex drive. I do.

His teeth are yellow and he won't use the whitening strips I've gotten, even after subtle, not-so-subtle, and finally blatant cues. Not even after pleading when I explained that yellow teeth look like a dirty, malodorous mouth, and it puts me off of kissing.

I serve healthy meals in reasonable portions. I don't keep junk food in the house. He just eats too damn much all the time--and I suspect he eats a lot of garbage outside of the house. I've had to start hiding the cereal our kids eat because he eats it all before they can have any--I told him I don't buy it anymore, and that it's because he eats it all. He eats everything, like he's a garbage disposal. He told me the other day, when I complained that he'd eaten our son's leftover pizza that I should mark things if he isn't supposed to eat them.

We have a Wii Fit and I've tried involving him in some active gaming but he won't do it. I've tried getting him to go for walks but it's always "too hot" to go outside. He did lose a significant amount of weight once when he was competing in an office weight-loss challenge. But when the challenge was over he gained it all back and then some. He won't tell me how much he weighs but it must be 270-300lb. He's average height. Occasionally he will start exercising--20 minutes or so of weights or treadmill. But he doesn't adjust his food intake. And after a week or so he makes an excuse about not feeling well and he quits. He just won't commit to the discipline and work it takes to lose weight.

His back hurts, he's always hot, he can't do anything physical, his clothes don't fit, his wife won't have sex with him, and he'll probably die before our kids are out of school. But still he eats.

And I am profoundly sad over it. I don't believe it will ever change. And I can't say these things to other people. But I wanted to say it somewhere....

Posted by PinkPink on the My Fat Spouse Forum

How long should I wait?

2010-09-25T07:54:00.000-07:00

Hi - I have been lurking in the background for a year or so - this is my first post. I am looking for some advice without being labeled a jerk for thinking that physical appearance matters - I'm pretty sure this is the place. First, let me describe my situation:

Needless to say, while she has expressed a desire to lose weight, she has yet to do so. I have tried to motivate her in every way I can think of without risking harm to myself. Specifically, I have purchased a gym membership together, I ask her to run everytime I go, I try to set a good example (I trained for and ran a marathon a few months ago), I have gotten her magazine subscriptions (healthy cooking, women's health), and have been totally positive about what she does do. Recently, she told me that she wants to go to a beach for spring break and wear a bikini.

Unfortunately, since then, what has been done is very little. She keeps coming up with excuses as to why she isn't doing anything. At first, she was too busy with work, then she quit her job to go back to school - so then she was too busy with school, she was sick, her let hurt, always something. Here's what I see: she likes to take a lot of "breaks" and play games, watch tv, etc. While she takes these breaks, she likes to snack. Also, that gym membership - she goes about once every two months. The bottom line is - I can see she is not doing anything, and at this rate, she is not going near a beach come spring.

My question is this: How long should I wait until I throw in the towel? She says she wants to lose the weight - but I can't wait forever. As an aside, she has been talking about getting married lately - and though I would never tell her this, I will not even think about it unless she loses the weight. I hate feeling this way - why do I feel like a jerk wanting her to be fit?

Posted By Clock Watcher on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

He let himself go!

2010-09-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

I have been married for 7 1/2 years. When I first meet my husband he was in good physical shape and sexually appealing. He is 6'4. After we married he started to gain weight. He went from 230 to 255. He is 29 and I am 32.

I have been blessed with a great metabolism, so working out has not been a priority; I am 5'1 105 lbs. I recently started working out for the health benefits and to stay in shape. I have tried to encourage my husband to do the same but he shows no desire to do this and our sex life has suffered for the past 6 years because of my lack of desire for his body. I have been 'gently' honest with him but I know that people do not loose weight until they are ready. I am starting to get very angry at the situation because I don't think that a man in his 20's should look like an overweight man. He carries it all in his stomach, even though he is tall, he has a large belly.

I have tried not to be selfish but I am completely turned off. I have been dealing with this for over 6 years and for the past 2 years we have been having financial problems due to him starting his own business and I have recently taken a job that has required me to be away from home all week.

All of these situations have built up and I feel so upset, disgusted and angry with him. I think intimacy is what our marriage needs but how can I get him to be sexually attractive without hurting his feelings? I'm tired of waiting for him to do it himself but my marriage is slipping away. I can deal with the poor finances, etc. but I really need him to be sexually attractive for me. I think people use marriage as an excuse to be lazy about their appearances. People should try to stay sexy and attractive all of their lives for the health benefits alone. His eating and body habits are pushing me farther away. Any advice on how to get someone motivated without damaging their feeling

posted by Margie on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

I'm ready to ride the roller coaster.

2010-09-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

This post is hopefully not going to end in me crying as hard as I did when I saw the name of this site, but I'm sure it will. If I chase a few rabbits and digress a bit, just hang with me, okay? I might over-rationalize, make excuses and really just tell you more than you'd ever want to know, but geez, it's not like I haven't done that before, right?

Okay.....I'm taking a deep breath and jumping right in ......

We went to Silver Dollar City last Friday. It's a theme park, with more rides each year. I remember back when there were two rides - an indoor, underground rollercoaster and the flume. Now there are kazillions of rides and more coming. I am a roller coaster junkie and have been since I was a kid. The bigger and faster they are, the better. I love a good thrill ride.

I am a big girl. I guess if we're gettin' honest today we'll just come right out and say it, I'm fat. I know I am, it's my fault and well, that's that.

I was a chubby kid from about 4th grade till 6th grade. I wore Pretty Plus clothes from Sears and hated it with a passion. I was popular and well-liked, but I was fat. Therefore, boys didn't like me all that much. My maiden name was Bass.

"Kristin Bass has a fat ass" was heard more than once on the playground.

I don't like sports, I don't like to sweat and I love to read and study and learn. So it was kind of a given that I'd get chunky as a kid at some point, I guess. Plus, well, I like my groceries. Then miraculously before 7th grade I started slimming down. I wasn't skinny, rail thin and gorgeous like the "pretty girls", but I wasn't fat anymore. The women in my family have butts, though - big, round butts. Baby got back? Oh yeah, we got back. The summer before my senior year I had a 27 inch waist and 40 inch hips. I had a flat stomach and small boobs - my gosh, how could I ever have thought I was fat back then? I was round and flat in all the right places, I was voluptuous and cute. Yet I was a cow in my mind and even in the mind of most guys. They wanted my best friend who was a size 2. I lived my Junior and Senior years on carrots stick and SlimFast. My Senior year I did start eating a Snickers bar and a Diet Coke for lunch every day, but the rest of the time I starved myself. My collar bones stuck out freakishly, my cheeks were sunken - my mother thought I was anorexic.

In college I was well-liked by the black guys on campus - they appreciated my curves and ooh I enjoyed that attention. Meeting a group of guys and having them turn and watch me as I passed had never happened to me before. It was nice. I ended up dating a good ol' boy from up in Missouri who wanted his women skinny and submissive. I'll never forget the Christmas that he wanted to get me some Rockies jeans and asked what size I wore. Although I weighed barely 120 pounds I wore a size 9 to 11 jeans. When I told him that he laughed and said, "Fatso. You better get out of the double digits, girl, if you wanna be with me." Needless to say, I didn't stay with him.

When I met my husband, Paul I weighed 135 and between the time we met and got married - 3 months - I had gained 10 pounds. But I still was thin and looked good, I fit in my tight cowgirl jeans and could scoot a mean boot. He loved my body the way it was and only wished that I had bigger boobs. He was happy and so was I. But I had found my niche, I had achieved my dreams - I was married! I set about being Suzy Homemaker and cooked him three meals a day. I made cakes and cookies and pies and big, hearty, meaty meals. I fried everything we ate because he was 6'1" and weighed 165 pounds and is a redneck - they eat fried foods and can get away with it. He was a beanpole and had the metabolism of a race horse. He ate my greasy food cooked with love and was a happy newlywed. I ate my greasy food cooked with love and got fat. And fatter and fatter and fatter.

Then we struggled with infertility and I ate to make myself feel better about being a total failure at giving him a child. Then I got pregnant and ate because well, I was eating for two. Then we lost our baby and I ate to drown my pain and heartache. Then he started noticing that I was gaining more and more weight and I knew he noticed so I ate more.

I am a compulsive. I have many compulsions, but eating is my most dangerous. I can alphabetize my canned goods and no one gets hurt. They may laugh, but it doesn't harm anyone or mess up anything. But my compulsion to eat is hurting me. It's killing me, to be honest. But eating makes me so happy, it's something that I can control when the world is spinning in a direction I don't want it to go and can do nothing about. If the kids are whiny, I eat a handful of chips. If Paul is cranky, I hide in the kitchen and down a couple of Twinkies. Bad day at work? Oh that merits a few Oreos. And a few more. Maybe three helpings of mashed potatoes at dinner, too. I can fix anything with food.

Except now the food that was my glue, the stuff that stuck my life together for all these years, is clogging my arteries, raising my blood pressure and making my cholesterol do a funky upward conga line to Cardiac Arrestland. I have stretch marks in places I didn't know stretch marks could exist and thrive. That barren wasteland that is on the underside of the upper arm - I had no clue it was stretch mark inhabitable, yet they have formed a colony and it looks like they're not leaving. I ache, my knees hurt, I snore, I huff and I puff.

I am the woman they kick off the roller coaster when they can't get the harness buckled.

I am now crying, by the way. I told you I would. The name of this site made me cry at first.

I never wanted to be a fat mommy. I wanted to be the cute mommy with the cute clothes and the cute hair who had tons of neverending energy to bounce around the park with her kids, have time and energy for tons of kid activities. I am ashamed to admit this, but there were a few fleeting moments where I thought it might be cool to have an outfit that matched my baby's. But they don't make Mommy and Me outfits for fat mommies. They only go up to size 10. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a cool mommy and I know I'm a good mommy, my entire self-esteem as a parent doesn't hinge on my looks, but I'm sure the kids at school talk about how fat Abby's mom is. I remember being a kid. Fat people are funny. And they're so easy to make fun of.

I have just been able to tell myself all these years that the babies like snuggling with me becuase I have lots of cushy goodness and they can snuggle into my big, squishy boobs and fall right to sleep. And trust me, they do. But if that is my rationalization, my reason, to stay fat it's a pretty poor one.

So after getting kicked off the roller coaster, I ducked my head, gathered my daughter and niece who couldn't ride without me and with cheeks ablaze, I exited Stage Mortified. TotOne was crying. (Abby wasn't - she didn't want to ride that one anyway) I had to squat down on her level, get eye to eye with my 7 year old niece and tell her that Aunt Kiki was too fat to ride the roller coaster and she'd have to wait. That was a moment I never envisioned for myself when I was a teen. But I didn't start crying until after Tater and TotTwo and Sam got back from the ride and Tater took TotOne off to ride. It was then that TotTwo asked why TotOne was getting to ride and TotOne yelled across the walking path, "Because Aunt Kiki's butt was too big to fit and we got kicked off!" That convenient hole that you wish would swallow you up whole was nowhere to be found. Instead I walked down the hill to find my Mom and youngest daughter and burst into tears when I had to tell my mom that I was too fat to ride the roller coaster.

Why am I writing all of this to you? I am not sure. Do I want sympathy? Nah. I don't need sympathy. Do I want you to send me all of your low fat, carbless recipes? Nah. I don't want those, thank you very much. I'm not sure why I wrote what I just wrote. Maybe I just needed to sit here and cry awhile.

I am on day three of Weight Watchers. I have done this before. I have started, I have stopped. I have drugged my way into two smaller pant sizes. (Legal drugs, not meth, although I hear that, too, is effective. But I do kind of have an attachment to my teeth as well) I have starved myself. I have been tempted to throw up, but I really hate to throw up. I guess the reason I might be writing all of this is to tell you that I'm ready to enjoy life again. I'm ready to run and not feel like my lungs are going to explode. I'm ready to jump and not jiggle for half an hour afterwards. I'm ready to be naked in front of my husband and not wonder if he's secretly turned off and embarrassed of me. I'm ready to feel good again.

I'm ready to ride the roller coaster.

Posted by Millie on the famous My Fat Spouse Forum

He just lies still and I do it all!

2010-09-15T05:56:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad I found this site. I have been married 10+ years, and my husband has gained about 100 pounds since we met. We were both college athletes, but he now has a huge belly and big fat "pouch" where there shouldn't be one, and he's so out of shape that we really can't have sex at all anymore unless he just lies still and I do it all. Looking at him getting out of the shower today, I realized that I have just become totally repulsed. Then tonight he complained that he doesn't get any sex anymore. It's true: sex with him is terrible, and I no longer desire sex with him.

Like other posters here, I am very disappointed that our once active lifestyle has become just a series of meals to him. Even on vacation, his primary concern is always when are where are we next going to eat, and he likes to order what amounts to two meals for himself. I see other happy couples who do things like exercise together, and it really makes me sad. Honestly, he doesn't even have energy to play in the yard with our kids. I play with them myself and I end up nagging him to go play with them since he's much more skilled at games like catch, but he acts like it's some massive chore and he only lasts out there a couple of minutes. Hey! That sounds a bit like our former sex life (we have no current sex life.)

If I didn't have school-aged children, I'd be gone. I don't see him really making an effort to be healthier, and it's all very upsetting. I'm trying to make it until the children are out of the house, telling myself that I can be free then, but I'm not sure I will make it. I do love him, but his obsession with food has taken its toll.

Posted by midwestmonica on the famous My Fat Spouse Forum

Since you asked...

2010-09-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

...I will tell you "my story."

I have been married for almost four years. When hubby and I were dating, I lived at home with Mom, I was 23-25 years old. I had a full time job as a chef and I had a free gym membership. I used the membership 1 to 5 times per week, doing cardio and weights. I Weighed 135-140 lbs at 5'4 1/2" tall.

At the time of our engagement, right after the New Year 2005, I weighed 148 lbs. I went down to 130 lbs in June2005. Then I moved out of my Mom's home and into our marital home. I did not have money for a gym membership in the new town (three hours away from my Mom's place). My responsibilities totally changed when I moved in with my Husband. His culinary tastes were (and are) completely different from mine. I ate a lot of vegetables, and enjoyed salads, and put extra vegetables in everything (sauces, pasta, etc). My hubby is a meat and potatoes kind of guy. His idea of vegetables are corn, peas, and maybe carrots. Since I wanted to be the perfect wife, I wanted to cook things he enjoys. So, his menu was in, mine was out.

I was pretty stressed out about the wedding, and I wasn't exercising, so my hubby took me for an ice cream as a treat and to get my mind off the stress. That became a nightly habit for about a month. My weight crept up to 140 lbs at the time of the wedding (aug 2005). Hubby like to eat chocolate bars. He was nice and always split them with me. I kept eating vegetables and healthy stuff, but more and more, my eating fell in line with the unhealthy stuff he was eating. In marriage, there is really no compromise (at least not in mine); the person with the strongest will gets their way. As this was going on, he seemed to get bored of me. I am inferring here, but it was as though he had bagged his trophy, and now there was no 'thrill of the hunt' any more. The sex dropped off. That bothered me. After work, he would sit in front of the tv all night. He didn't want to be bothered. That bothered me. He criticized my cooking. Since I am a chef, that bothered me.

I didn't say anything though. I wanted to be the perfect wife. After growing up with a severely alcoholic father who abandoned Mom and I when I was eleven, in that kind of chaos and insecurity, all I wanted was to be normal. That was why I got married to my hubby. He is as steady as a rock. He has parents that are still together. Normal. Just what I wanted. So I didn't say anything, I just tried harder to do what he wanted so he wouldn't complain. I figured I needed to learn his preferences as his new wife. That's what usually happens with newlyweds, right? It was never enough though. There was always (is still always) something to nitpick.

Then I got laid off from a job I really liked that allowed me to be home to get supper ready and shower and get dressed before hubby got home. That bothered me. I had to take a job that paid more, but the hours were such that I would only see hubby on three days of the week (this was january 2006). I didn't want to take the job, but we really needed the money to cover his truck payment, that, coincidentally was twice the amount of the mortgage. Nevertheless, I took the job as it was the only one that would earn enough to cover our costs. It was very stressful. The restaurant's kitchen (which I was in charge of) was in disrepair. It was the middle of the 'oil boom' in my province, hence workers for the kitchen were nearly impossible to find. The ones we did hire we incompetent. So, I had to pick up all that slack. That was very difficult and stressful. Added on top of that, I was still doing all the housework and cooking at home (still trying to be the perfect wife). Superstar chef and perfect wife. Impossible. The longer I stayed in that job, the more depressed I got. I have always struggled with depression, but the combination of new town, new home, new roles to play, and heavy responsibilities drained me and used me up. I really fell into a deep depression. I tried to talk to hubby about it. But like most guys, he tried to 'fix' the situation, by telling me he would 'go in there and fire those incompetent people himself,' or 'i'm going to go down there and tell your boss to pull her head out of her ass.' Heart in the right place, but not helpful whatsoever. I was alone in the situation. New town + crazy job = no time to make friends/develop support system.

I started eating a lot. I think it was out of frustration, sadness, loneliness, anger. I would eat at work. I would eat at home, but only when I was alone. I hated people seeing me eat. Hubby and I didn't eat together anymore. I still worked out a bit, but it was hit and miss, not consistent. At that time, I also developed this habit if picking at my hair. It progressed to the point that whenever I was sitting still, I would pull out my hair, strand by strand. It got so bad, I had pulled out 1/3 of my hair. Almost the entire left side of my head was bald. I was out of control. I took up smoking to keep my hands busy and hopefully blunt my desire to eat. Smoking didn't help. the hair-pulling and smoking were always done in secret. I could never let hubby find out. I eventually cut my hair really short, so that it would all be an even length. That finally put an end to the hair-pulling. Guilt about keeping a secret compelled me to confess my smoking habit to hubby, and I managed to quit. But then the eating gained momentum. I was now up to 176 lbs (spring 2007)

Things between hubby and I were terrible by that point. His constant nitpicking-and-ignoring routine had worn away my defenses and we fought regularly. I was distraught. I cried everyday. I could no longer carry on in the job, and I decided that a new career was in order, something that paid better and had better hours. I also knew that I couldn't stand living with my hubby anymore, but we couldn't divorce (because that would make me even more of a failure). I decided to go to school and learn a new career. This would give us some breathing room, and maybe the break would get me back in control of my emotions and eating.

AT this point I was 186 lbs (january 2008). I went to school, but my eating patterns worsened. The distance from hubby made me sad and anxious because I wasn't 'pulling my weight' at home financially. That summer when I got home I was 200 lbs. We didn't have sex the entire summer. That crushed me.

I should mention that over the course of all of this, I was continually rebuffed by hubby when I tried to initiate intimacy. Since 2006, we have had sex at most once per month. The longest stretch was 5 months without. I asked why the sex dried up. He said it had nothing to do with me. Maybe he was depressed, so he went and got antidepressants form the doc. That didn't help.

It was time to start my degree in science, so I left back for school. My weight stayed the same. In january 2009. after so many attempts to figure out what was the impediment to our sex life ("affair? sick of me? too fat? What is it, please talk to me honey. We can't fix it unless we know what the problem is") he finally spilled the beans that it was because he was not attracted to me at that weight.

So after 2-3 years of being unattracted to me, he finally decided to tell me what the problem was. He was afraid I would be hurt. He was right. I was devastated. I thought he loved me for who I was. Naively, I thought his attraction to me went beyond the physical. I was very wrong.

I also should mention that all through this time, I was trying to eat better. I don't know why it is, but I can start the day healthy, eating good food in reasonable portions, but after work , I have an overwhelming need to EAT. Especially sweets and super buttery cheese sandwiches. It sounds, no, it IS selfish and stupid to put food above my health, above my hubby's needs. I get that. I got that when he told me why his attraction for me ended. Why can't I get a hold of myself when so much is at stake? I am angry at him that he was never an emotional support for me when I had no one else to turn to. I am angry that I am a fat unattractive woman at only 29 years old. I am embarrassed at my appearance, ashamed to leave the house. Angry that I have little influence over the decisions in our marriage regarding where to live, what we eat, how the household is run, how the money is spent, how our spare time is spent.

I don't know where to go from here. We recently started marriage counseling, but stopped because we found out his mom has ALS/Lou Gehrig's disease. I have tried to be as supprtive as possible, making sure the house is as perfect as can be, being as pleasant as ever, just doing anything and everything I can think of to help him get through this awful time. Also, I am not going back to school. I need to be here to help take care of his mom, and be a support to him.

Anyway. That is the scoop on my situation. I probably left some out, simply out of forgetfulness. If there is interest/questions, I will fill in any blanks.

posted by marymaryquitecontrary on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

My Weight Loss Story

2010-08-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

This is a true story. No, my wife has not read it, but I have no doubts that she would approve of me posting it in this forum. If truth be told, she could easily tell this exact same story herself.

I am a thirty-two year old male about 5' 10” in height. My wife and I have now been married eleven years. Something very special to me this particular anniversary, or close to it, is that my weight has returned to what it was when she and I were married.

I basically stopped growing (in terms of height) when I was in high school. This is when I was ‘fit' and in my ‘prime,' or so people said. Back then I weighed about 170 pounds. Then I went to college for four years and was away from home. They always referred to the “freshman fifteen” with kids who went to college. I think this was supposed to mean that, in general, kids going away from home for the first time to college typically gained fifteen pounds. Maybe they started eating more poorly when they got away from Mom's good cooking. The “freshman fifteen” also applied to me, only in my case, the reverse was true. I didn't have a car or bicycle, so what that meant is that I did a ton of walking around campus to and from all of my classes… all of which made me lose fifteen pounds. And I ate horribly, too, but it didn't seem to matter at all.

Or, maybe the weight loss was because I fell in love with my wife sometime during college, and “pined” away for her. I wanted to wait until school was over with before asking for her hand in marriage, which seemed to be the prudent thing to do, and that was three very long years away. You'd perhaps have to understand a little about my church to know just why something like that could cause a man to lose weight. In a desire to encourage purity before marriage, my church discourages dating, unless marriage is basically imminent and forthcoming. Needless to say, it is most difficult for a man that falls in love, who is withheld from the closeness he craves, where the only contact he has with the woman of his affection is a handshake on Sunday. It makes me wonder how Jacob did it in the Bible, when he worked seven whole years for his beloved Rachel. I could barely stand just three! Even so, this might have had something to do with my weight loss.

My wife and I got married shortly after I graduated from college, and settled into life. I'm an accountant by trade and went from being fairly active to very sedentary. I was completely ignorant as to how this could affect my body. At first a few pair of pants here or there started to get tight. And then they had to be thrown away. It sort of creeps up on a fellow! Ten years passed. A few times in there I'd try to do some things to lose weight, but nothing seemed to stick, or help me lose the amount of weight I needed to.

This past year in the office where I work, a man that shares office space with us began this program of counting calories to help himself lose weight. Being “male,” I'm not the best at noticing things, but after a period went by I about did a double-take when I looked at this man. He'd lost over forty pounds and looked absolutely terrific! And I told him so, too, begging him to share with me just how he did it. I don't know if the site administrator here will bleep this out. However, I'm truly not intending to advertise anything here, except something wonderful that happened to me and I wanted to share on this board. This gentleman directed me to an internet website called: www.calorie-count.com. Diets are hard, though, and I knew it wasn't going to be fun. I was 240 pounds at the time, and a lot needed to come off. So I stalled, probably for more than half a year.

On February 6th of 2007 I finally quit stalling and went to the website. In all honesty, I think I was finally “angry” enough at myself to do it. There's really no other explanation than that. I hated that my pants perpetually felt tight around my waist. I couldn't stand the double-chin I saw when I looked in the mirror or saw myself in pictures. I saw how hard my dear wife worked to keep her weight off, because she knew how much more attractive it made her to me. I was hot all the time, and sweating for no good reason, even in the middle of winter. There had also been a few snide remarks made by some folks about how I looked, and frankly, they didn't feel all that good. Even though maybe such comments were a little mean, I can't dispute them at all. They were right! I was overweight, and it was for no good reason other than simple laziness on my own part. And I hated myself because of it. It was time for a change, and I dove in head first with a vengeance.

Everything is free on that website. I set up an account, and then began the journey to “count calories.” It asked a few questions about me. I had to tell them my sex, age, current weight, the weight I eventually wanted to weigh, and how long I wanted to take in getting there. I think they also wanted to know my body type, or how large my bones are, and my lifestyle (sedentary versus active). Shorter is better, right? I wanted to get this done and over with, so I tried to do it really fast. The system wouldn't let me. I think it's structured so that it will only let you lose weight at a certain speed. They said that most men shouldn't eat less than 1,500 calories per day; to do otherwise isn't healthy. Okay – I'm not a doctor, but that's what they said. With this info, they told me how many calories per day I could eat, and they told me about when I'd reach my goal. At first I despaired. I wanted to lose seventy pounds, and it told me this wouldn't happen until way out in the future. It seemed like a mountain! However, they say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. So, I grabbed my “mountain climbing gear” and took that step, and haven't looked back since.

Each morning I weighed myself. When I got to work, I entered the weight in the internet log, which keeps track of it for me and plots a nice ‘progress' chart. Throughout the day, when I ate things, I'd search for them on this internet site, and log them into the system. It counts the calories I eat, and lets me know just where I'm at. I made this special little paper form for the weekends so I could note my weight and the things I ate. It was embarrassing to me to have to drag out this dumb little paper to record the things I ate, especially when we had meals with our friends or family, but I did it anyway. When a person feels desperate, you do a lot of things, I suppose. These were also entered into the computer when I got back to the office. Maybe entering them wouldn't have been necessary, but for me there was an accountability aspect of this that was good. My dear mother thought I got a little obsessive about it. And perhaps that's true to some extent. I've logged literally everything I've eaten, even if it's just a simple little life saver candy, or a few raspberries I've munched on while walking through Mom and Dad's garden. I've gotten in the habit now of asking myself before I eat anything, just where I'm at in my caloric intake for the day, and just how the thing I'm about to eat is going to affect that. It's made for some painful decisions sometimes (such as going without supper because I ate too much earlier in the day), but again, I think it's been worth it. And maybe it was obsessive, but like I told my mother, it's WORKED!

And I can surely testify that while this was indeed worth it, it was most certainly NOT easy. It's one of the toughest things I think I've ever put my body through! The thing that kept me going, though, was that the results were immediate from the very first day. The very first day I lost 2.6 pounds! The next day another 1.6 pounds went away. The third day 0.9 pounds said “goodbye.” The fourth day, 2.1 more pounds left. I was ecstatic! Ten pounds gone in just a week! It slowed down later, of course, but maybe that quick start was helpful for this day and age of “instant gratification!” I've basically been one VERY hungry boy for about five months. Very hungry. I probably should go see the dentist, because the ‘teeth gritting' to make it through those hunger pangs have probably wore down all my molars! However, I can also testify that enduring those hunger pangs was the worst right at first. Then it got easier. I don't know if that means my stomach shrunk, or if I just finally got enough gumption to be able to have “power” over my own body, and the ability to deny it what it wanted.

In some ways it was funny… a person has to keep some sense of humor through it all. There were many, many nights I would go to bed, and be lulled to sleep by the “musical symphony” of my stomach at war with itself. It would protest, growl and grumble. And I would almost chuckle out my reply, “Pull it from inventory, boys. I'm done eating for the day!” And usually by morning, the “boys” in my stomach had figured things out, and the hunger pangs were gone. And then I'd pop out of bed, ready to go hop on the scales, to see just how much “inventory” they had dispensed with during the night!

This morning, almost exactly five months after commencing this journey, I stepped on the scales and about wept to see the message it contained. It said I was 170.1 pounds. I'm 69.9 pounds less than I was earlier this year! This is a loss of almost ½ of a pound each day since then. Okay, so I technically still have 0.1 pounds to go to officially meet my goal, but for all intents and purposes, I'm there. I do intend to break 170, just so I can say I did it, but this is where I stop. I am content, and thrilled that my beloved wife no longer has to go to bed with an overweight man. Now will begin the task of seeing if I can maintain this. I've informed my dear wife more than once that I only want to make this journey once in my whole life. This has been painful both to my body, and to my wallet. I have no desire to do this again – I've yoyo dieted before, but I want this one to stick. After the first fifty pounds came off, I started exercising a little, too, and I think that will help in the future if I keep it up.

Hopefully you will forgive me if I sound overly exuberant, or if it sounds like I carry a certain amount of pride with this accomplishment. I am dearly trying to fight that urge, and rather wish to give my great God the credit for helping me through this. It's only His mercy that has carried me through this and brought me this gift. I hope my life and body henceforth can be dedicated in greater discipline and of better use to Him. In many ways, I think He has taught me a few things in going through this. There are plenty of other areas in my life that need work, some of which have been pointed out by a few folks on this site incidentally, and if the Lord is able to help me do something that seemed like a mountain, then surely He is also completely capable to grant grace to help fix other issues in my life.

This is especially posted with the intent of hopefully inspiring or helping someone else to achieve the same thing. We're all made differently, I suppose, and maybe this wouldn't work for someone else, but I wanted to share it in the interest of encouragement anyway. Believe me when I say this – if I could do this, then truly anybody could. Has it helped my marriage? In many ways, I think it has. Maybe it seems like a small thing, or something that shouldn't matter, but I do feel better now when I make love to my wife being this way than when I was heavier. I don't know just why that is, but it's true. And for the gentlemen who happen to read this, I think there is another “side benefit” of losing a few pounds, and it was something I wasn't expecting. The weight loss seems to help “downstairs,” if you know what I mean. I look down there now and wonder, “Where in the world were you hiding?” Suffice it to say, it has allowed my wife and I to enjoy other positions in lovemaking we previously weren't able to. So, the weight loss has become more meaningful to me than just for health purposes!

To any currently trying to lose weight, sometimes fighting valiantly but finding it a struggle, I know exactly what it feels like. But please take hope and just grit your teeth! In many respects, I think this is more than just a physical battle for us, it's a spiritual one, and one of learning how to bring one's body into subjection. This Scripture went through my mind many times while going through this. The beloved Apostle was talking about another concept with these words, but I think it surely applies to this battle as well. I hope it will encourage you as it encouraged me:

Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain. And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible. I therefore so run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air: But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway. (I Corinthians 9:24-27)

read more on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

Am I wrong to want my partner to take care of her appearance?

2010-08-22T06:32:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying that I love my partner of 14 years. But her weight gain has really affected my desire for any hint of a sex life.

She has gained about 35 pounds during the last 2 years. It has been bothering me for a while but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. It makes me feel shallow.

I’ve been encouraging her for nearly a year to take better care of herself. For example, eating right and exercising. Finally, a few days ago she seemed to want to start losing weight because she started to exercise—doing sit ups and walking. I was excited that she was taking an interest and told that we could do this together.

Over the weekend, she bought a sleeveless shirt that was 2 sizes too small for her. I could see rolls of fat and her arms have cellulite and are flabby. If she wants to let herself go like this that’s one thing but dressing like she’s 22 with a hot body is ridiculous. Seeing her like that really bothered me. Never mind the fact she was trying to get me into bed all weekend. I kept making excuses and finally just asked her for time without saying as to why.

Saturday night when she was changing for bed she turned around and I could see this second stomach bursting from her midsection. I can say without exaggeration it REPULSED me.

Fast forward to her NEW exercising routine (I also want to mention that she drinks quite a bit). She took a long walk Tuesday night and said that she was going to take another the next night and also stop by a nearby friend’s house. By the time she gets home she’s drunk. Apparently her vigorous exercise routine incorporates beer lifting. Now that’s great for the already expanding waist line.

I was so mad I said something really awful. First, we argued about her drinking. She explained to me that she wasn’t an alcoholic but a “social alcoholic.” After arguing for 10 minutes, she started up the stairs and called me a “cold fish.”:I had had it. I shot back “Yeah. You’re just so APPEALING.”

Now she’s seething with rage and won’t talk to me. Am I wrong? Not to be conceited but I’m an attractive woman who takes good care of herself. And no offense guys (I’m a lesbian)—if I wanted this I could have married some bubba. I’m both very angry and guilty.

Any suggestions? Am I wrong to want my partner to take care of her appearance? What should I do?

James@15 posted this on Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

I was the Fat One

2010-08-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

I was the fat one. My wife is HOT. 5' 3" 105 lbs.

I was always skinny until I settled into my office job. I got up to 220lbs at 6'0". Not fat? Hardly. 25% BMI.

You can rationalize anything until you look honestly at yourself naked in the mirror.

I did and then asked myself if I wanted to be a fat guy or not. Being lazy by nature it was an honest questions. I seriously weighed the pros and cons of being lazy and fat (more time for video games, less pain, etc) and healthy and fit (working out, not eating whatever I wanted, etc)

My decision ultimately was, "NO! I don't want to be a FAT GUY!"

I got a personal trainer to teach me how to work out and lose weight. I got free weights and an elliptical. Get sensible about what I ate. And I'm a trim 185lbs now.

The best thing is the sex. My wife loves my hard body and literally can't keep her hands off me. It's better than when I was skinny because the muscles turn her on, and frankly me too. I'm still a little surprised in the shower when I soap up my shoulders because they're so much bigger than I'm used to.

Make yourself a 12 week commitment for a better body. Eat right 6 out of 7 days a week. DO an HOUR of cardio every day. Treadmill burns the most calories, but I think eliiptical is almost as good and is certainly easier on your joints. And lift weights to build muscle. Muscle BURNS calories so bigger muscles mean faster fat loss.

YOU CAN DO IT.

Click Here to read responses to this post by Get Real on the My Fat Spouse Forum

Used Cars and Fat Spouses

2010-08-03T14:17:00.000-07:00

We humans are the most complicated creatures on Earth, and after centuries of studying the human psyche, modern science has only now begun to scratch the surface into understanding it-so who can know for certain why anyone feels anything at all? Nonetheless, when logic and reason is applied to what we have already learned about the human race, it can take us a long way in helping us understand better why we do the things we do. “Feeling hurt” is a human emotion that is usually triggered in response to what we perceive as the negative actions of another, i.e. spouse, S.O., friend, partner, etc. In the same way most people feel physical pain when beaten or abused, others suffer emotional injury when they feel that their mate has in some way violated some term of their relationship in any number of various ways. Relationships are often based on mutual trust; trust that both parties will cooperate with each other by working together within certain mutually agreed upon conditions or terms whether openly acknowledged or implied, helping to meet the needs of the other which as separate individuals they would be unlikely or unable to meet alone; the right hand washes the left, as the left hand washes the right-you scratch my itch and I’ll scratch yours. After settling into a marriage or relationship, if one mate forsakes the other by neglecting their appearance, it is often naturally perceived either consciously or at least subconsciously by the other as violating something deeply innate and primal within each of us, yet exactly what that is is little understood by many.

A loose analogy could be likened to a someone who tirelessly worked long and hard to finally save enough capital to purchase the best automobile they could reasonably afford that best appealed to a balance of their various senses and reasoning based on their interpretation of their understanding gained on a particular model: a visual sense of what was attractive: style, color, shape, symmetry, accessories, and ornament if any; tactile senses, like leather interior, seating position and soforth; and performance desires, like having extra horsepower if needed for a little extra excitement and driving pleasure, while at the same time best meeting practical transportation needs with the least maintenance requirements fitting within a certain budget. Then, after making the sacrifice of time, energy, effort, and funds to make the best purchase, the new owner discovers that the salesman or previous owner had misrepresented or outright lied about certain problems or defects, some of which might render the vehicle either outright useless, too cost prohibitive to repair, or even a expensive liability in some cases. I realize that using this sort of analogy may be opening a Pandora’s Box to criticism, as some may feel that making such a comparison is crude or shallow, but I wanted to use something very obvious and easy to grasp by being plainly transparent.
Dating, mating, and marriage, from a basic nuts and bolts perspective, is really not much more different from the analogy I used, only it’s a million times more complicated regarding certain other "specifics". In a nutshell, the primary matter is that within each of us is a predetermined genetic program that drives us to reproduce by finding, wooing, and winning by truth, triumph, or trick, and keeping long enough the best mate(s) that possesses the best possible genetic material to pass on to our offspring 50% of our own genetic material, thus allowing them the best possible chance of survival to eventually do the same. Scientifically, it has been proven that visual indicators of symmetry and form (or attractiveness) are the chief indicators among others that humans use in making these selections-and most of these responses happen on a subconscious level of which we are basically unaware. I don’t have time to elaborate further now, so I’ll save that subject for another time.

I often feel emotionally hurt by the situation I’m in where my wife, for whatever reason(s,) no longer feels the need to maintain a reasonable level of health or appearance. It could be that perhaps she feels she didn’t make such a good catch as she had thought originally, or maybe she thinks I wouldn’t be able to do any better so she’s safe because I’ll have to stay put. However, I also realize that that feeling of “being hurt” I have experienced all too often is a negative emotion which is based upon my own perception. Don’t take this the wrong way; there’s no doubt about it, she’s fat-real fat in fact; 100 plus or more pounds overweight according to her doctor, but my perception of this fact has no real influence on the reality of her condition or how she perceives it for herself; rather my perception can really only affect how I feel about it and what I decide to do about it. That’s where the really hard part comes in because I can no more change my perception of this reality then I can prevent my knee from jerking when my physician taps it with a percussor. Nature has made me uncomfortable for a reason, and I believe I know what that reason is. “Pain” is often the percussor that hammers us to take action and do something, even if that’s nothing more than to “move”. One of the problems of our time in this modern age, is that the environment in which our genetic programming was formed, is far removed from us today-yet still that same programing guides nearly every thought and every decision we make in this brave new world. Today things are much more complicated then they were when humans were more closely in tune with their natural environment and their own natures. This sometimes causes me to feel like a fish out of water.

Mojo posted these thoughts on the My Fat Spouse Forum